My Authentic Self Eight Years Old

[Guest guest]

Ive been looking in myself for a memory of when I ate intuitively and

just tried to connect with it on a daily, hourly, minutely, each meal

basis. It seems all of my attempts to quantify this IE have failed

so I decided to turn to the last time I can remember experienciing it?

I got an idea to post my memory and thought that you all might have

one to share too? I get so involved in looking for where things went

wrong, I forget to notice where things went right. Maybe our shared

memories will help us all to remember even more happy and good days??

Well, here goes:

I was about eight or nine years old. It was fall and close to my

birthday. My favorite time of year still! The sun made my face warm

but the wind could chill me if I wouldnt have had on my favorite blue

plasticy wind breaker. My teeth were mis-shapen and crooked but I

smiled with abandon at everything and anything I found funny and

happy. I still remember that smile! My hair, still the same although

some grey in it now, fine and a slave to the wind blew into my mouth

and in front of my eyes only to be pushed back behind my ears like

barettes. My bike was my ticket to ride the wind and my legs were not

judged or criticized but just the fuel to operate it. I remember my

Mom who was and is overweight and seeing her smile. I loved the feel

of her body and fell into it with kisses and hugs feeling warm and

safe from anything that could harm me. I thought of her body as

muscle! I didnt judge anyone or anything as better or worse. The

world was simply my oyster and here for me to enjoy and explore. I

felt free and happy. I stopped to eat when I was hungry and did so

with abandon and free from shame and guilt stopping when I was full

so I could get back to my kingdom. I really resented stopping to pee

and sometimes would wait too long and then would have to do

the " dance " and shift my hips to get my pants down. In fact, if I

dont get kidney disease from that it will be a miracle!

I would really love to hear everyone elses stories. It has been good

for me to remember and document mine.

When I am having a really bad day, I can search and settle myself

with this feeling and memory. I think of it as some sort of higher

power who can protect and rescue me from my darker and more

controlling self?

Its worked the past couple of days? Maybe?

[Guest guest]

My best memory of being an " intuitive eater " was about 10 years ago,

when I first met the man who was going to become my husband. We were

at his parents' house for dinner -- we did that a LOT! -- and his

mother always would tell me, " Eat! " I ate 'like a bird' back then,

and she's Italian (straight from Italy), so she always thought I ate

too little. But, when I'd had enough, I wouldn't take more no matter

HOW much people tried to convince me to do so!

As soon as I had my son, though, I always overate... and my (now)

mother-in-law never again had to coax me to eat more! LOLOL. :-P

Jenn

<><

>

> Ive been looking in myself for a memory of when I ate intuitively

and just tried to connect with it on a daily, hourly, minutely,

each meal basis. >>Maybe our shared memories will help us all to

remember even more happy and good days??

[Guest guest]

My best memory of being an " intuitive eater " was about 10 years ago,

when I first met the man who was going to become my husband. We were

at his parents' house for dinner -- we did that a LOT! -- and his

mother always would tell me, " Eat! " I ate 'like a bird' back then,

and she's Italian (straight from Italy), so she always thought I ate

too little. But, when I'd had enough, I wouldn't take more no matter

HOW much people tried to convince me to do so!

As soon as I had my son, though, I always overate... and my (now)

mother-in-law never again had to coax me to eat more! LOLOL. :-P

Jenn

<><

>

> Ive been looking in myself for a memory of when I ate intuitively

and just tried to connect with it on a daily, hourly, minutely,

each meal basis. >>Maybe our shared memories will help us all to

remember even more happy and good days??

[Guest guest]

Its going to take us a lifetime. A lifetime!

At first, I thought I didnt have any good memories either and everyone

else seemed to have them at about ten or eleven years old so I almost

used the fact mine was eight years old to judge myself. Then, I just

accepted we are all different and it didnt matter when, what, why, how

or who the memory was just as long as I could muster up the feeling

associated with it.

I have a photo of myself at a young age next to my bed and I look at it

everyday. I think my photo is very important to me. I try try try to

remember what was going on. There are many photos from my family that

make me remember my family's dysfunction (and theres plenty of that -

arg) but for some reason I really like this one and I can revert to

that feeling and acceptance. Maybe you can do the same?

Give yourself a break on the eggplant. Its a vegetable!!!! Youre

doing great! Sounds like you need more eggplant in your life!

Thanks for your post!

>

> wow...a lot of good work...all this just made me sad...even when i

was little I don't think I was " good enough " ...I think a lot of my

eating for a very long time has been to comfort myself...to tke care of

myself the best way I knew/know how...which has obviously turned into

its opposite...

> Today I went to the gym...bought healthy groceries...cooked healthy

yummy food...eggplant is really my favorite...but now I'm feeling

stuffed because I ate more than I needed...this is going to take a long

time to learn how to take good care of myself

>

[Guest guest]

THis is a very interesting topic and well timed. I was home over the weekend and found myself looking through my old photo albums. I always remember myself as a great big fat kid because that's what I was told I was. I remember my mother making me weigh myself when I was 8 and saying I was too fat. Looking back on my pictures though I really wasn't fat. Yes, I was a big kid but I don't think I look "fat." There was a picture of me showing my 4H calf when I was 9. Next to the boy my age in the same class I was bigger but I was also a lot taller. I just looked like a slightly overweight kid! Now I just have to remember a POSITIVE event when I was happy as a kid...showing that darn calf was not exactly positive. You can tell I am trying not to cry in that picture....I don't know how many times Skipper jumped on my feet! I often wonder how my weight would have been if I

hadn't been told all the time I was too fat. It's sad really because I'm sure my mother was trying to motivate me in her own warped way and trying to prevent me becoming fat like her. If I ever have kids I hope I don't inflict my food issues onto them. I'll have to find some other way to screw them up! just kidding!

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[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome. I'm a little confused about

this posting/replying process, so not sure how this will turn out.

When you do a reply, do you delete the actual message you're

responding to since it will come up with the correct title? Details,

details . . .

Lots of interesting comments about the memories of the authentic

self. I really don't remember when I ever had a normal reaction to

food. I look at photos and I see a child who looks round compared to

her very angular, bony sister 14 months older, but she's not fat.

I think the comparison to my sister had much to do with the

attention my roundness got. The things I remember early on: my

mother making a swimsuit for me with a little front skirt to

camouflage the roundness of my tummy, being on a diet in 2d grade ~

I think it was Stillman's quick weight loss, a more extreme version

of Atkins; being on a 500 calorie diet and diet pills in 3d grade.

That was a particularly horrible thing. I remember taking my meals

in my room. 500 calories is not much food. It's pretty hideous,

actually, to do that as a child, or as an adult. I think they were

trying to help.

My parents were very loving people but they had issues with

appearance and what others would think of a chubby daughter. I

really don't know when it started, but I know I had a tremendous

weight gain in 7th grade after I used food to deal with the loss of

my mother. I kind of " woke up " in a fog after 8 months and weighed

193 pounds. I guess that's pretty shocking for one entering the 8th

grade. I also grew 5 " that year and then it was downhill from there.

Diet pills, restrictive dieting, efforts to do the Stillman thing,

other drugs and on and on and on.

Oh well. I've done a lot of work in therapy on grief issues and I

think this whole concept of being tender and gentle with that child

who probably DID know, somewhere, how to eat, is the only way for

me. Nothing I've done to date has worked and I really don't care if

I lose a pound. I just want to be free of the obsession with

dieting, weight, what I'm eating, not eating, ought to be eating.

Geeeeeeeze it gets tiring. But I doubt any of y'all can relate, eh?

lynette

[Guest guest]

Lynette, As I was reading your post I was thinking that my family was probably emabarrassed about me and then I read your 4th paragraph and you said the same thing. Wonder why our parents put so much emphasis on appearance? I think that made me worse. It is a shame that kids get the brunt of the parents' issues. I never made a big deal about my kids weight and all 4 of them turned out to be a nice size.......no weight problems. Even when you are tryng to help , I think the more you call attention to something the worse it gets. Kathy Kathylynette9446 wrote: Thanks everyone for the warm welcome. I'm a little confused

about this posting/replying process, so not sure how this will turn out. When you do a reply, do you delete the actual message you're responding to since it will come up with the correct title? Details, details . . . Lots of interesting comments about the memories of the authentic self. I really don't remember when I ever had a normal reaction to food. I look at photos and I see a child who looks round compared to her very angular, bony sister 14 months older, but she's not fat. I think the comparison to my sister had much to do with the attention my roundness got. The things I remember early on: my mother making a swimsuit for me with a little front skirt to camouflage the roundness of my tummy, being on a diet in 2d grade ~ I think it was Stillman's quick weight loss, a more extreme version of Atkins; being on a 500 calorie diet and diet pills in 3d grade. That was a particularly horrible thing. I

remember taking my meals in my room. 500 calories is not much food. It's pretty hideous, actually, to do that as a child, or as an adult. I think they were trying to help. My parents were very loving people but they had issues with appearance and what others would think of a chubby daughter. I really don't know when it started, but I know I had a tremendous weight gain in 7th grade after I used food to deal with the loss of my mother. I kind of "woke up" in a fog after 8 months and weighed 193 pounds. I guess that's pretty shocking for one entering the 8th grade. I also grew 5" that year and then it was downhill from there. Diet pills, restrictive dieting, efforts to do the Stillman thing, other drugs and on and on and on. Oh well. I've done a lot of work in therapy on grief issues and I think this whole concept of being tender and gentle with that child who probably DID know, somewhere, how to eat, is the

only way for me. Nothing I've done to date has worked and I really don't care if I lose a pound. I just want to be free of the obsession with dieting, weight, what I'm eating, not eating, ought to be eating. Geeeeeeeze it gets tiring. But I doubt any of y'all can relate, eh? lynette

[Guest guest]

I know my memory exactly. I was eight years old too, and it was a year or so before my parents divorced. The Girl from Iponema was playing on our backyard stereo, and I had just come out of the swimming pool. It was evening, and still HOT (I grew up in Arizona). My mom (who was frequently a rage-a-holic then, probably because her marriage was breaking up...) was inside making dinner. My brother was around, playing, and I was sitting on the back porch with my black lab dog Chip. What I remember most about that memory was the feeling of being safe and secure. I was home, and my parents were taking care of me. That enabled me to be free. The next year, everything changed, as my parents divorced. I never felt safe again (as a child) and not coincidentally, that was when my problems with food began. I now have young children (as well as a

teenager, but because I repeated my mother's patterns, failed to give her that feeling of safety and security) and my primary goal is to give them the feeling of security that I had during my "Ipanema" years. I can reparent myself now, through them, and give us all the feeling of home, safety and security.

Ahhh...imagining that irresistible "new car" smell? Check out

new cars at Yahoo! Autos.

[Guest guest]

I really love the way you say that being tender and loving with the

child and I am coming to believe that child DOES know exactly how to

eat and I will never be able to force or demand that she reveal

herself. Thats why I love so much how you said it.....tender and

gentle....with her and consequently ourselves....thats the only way!!!

PS. This is really making me want to SEE these photographs! Id love

to if anyone want to email me any of them. I bet they are so darn

cute!!!!!!

> think this whole concept of being tender and gentle with that child

> who probably DID know, somewhere, how to eat, is the only way for

> me. Nothing I've done to date has worked and I really don't care if

> I lose a pound. I just want to be free of the obsession with

> dieting, weight, what I'm eating, not eating, ought to be eating.

> Geeeeeeeze it gets tiring. But I doubt any of y'all can relate, eh?

>

> lynette

>

[Guest guest]

What a great memory! Girl from Iponema! Thats incredible!

I feel so honored to have shared in this memory with you!

Im coming to understand that the little girl and I are the same

person but I have become the " rage-a-holic " to her. I really want to

get better.

Thank You! )))) <~tears in my eyes!!! Truly!

>

> I know my memory exactly.

>

> I was eight years old too, and it was a year or so before my

parents divorced. The Girl from Iponema was playing on our backyard

stereo, and I had just come out of the swimming pool. It was evening,

and still HOT (I grew up in Arizona). My mom (who was frequently a

rage-a-holic then, probably because her marriage was breaking up...)

was inside making dinner. My brother was around, playing, and I was

sitting on the back porch with my black lab dog Chip.

>

> What I remember most about that memory was the feeling of being

safe and secure. I was home, and my parents were taking care of me.

That enabled me to be free.

>

> The next year, everything changed, as my parents divorced. I

never felt safe again (as a child) and not coincidentally, that was

when my problems with food began.

>

> I now have young children (as well as a teenager, but because I

repeated my mother's patterns, failed to give her that feeling of

safety and security) and my primary goal is to give them the feeling

of security that I had during my " Ipanema " years.

>

> I can reparent myself now, through them, and give us all the

feeling of home, safety and security.

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Ahhh...imagining that irresistible " new car " smell?

> Check outnew cars at Yahoo! Autos.

>

[Guest guest]

First, what a great name you have, ....and thats my name too!

Second, I am dying to see this photograph! I bet it is precious!

I love that you were discussing how you were uncomfortable because

how the calf was stepping on your feet! And not because you were

afraid of looking fat in the photograph because thats what usually

happened with me and photographs after my disease took over. (some of

them are so artfully posed and skillfully arranged it is pathetic so

as to maximize my inner thinness and detract from my outter

fattness...ha ha) It was some very real pain you were experiencing

due to that calf!!!!

>

> THis is a very interesting topic and well timed. I was home over

the weekend and found myself looking through my old photo albums. I

always remember myself as a great big fat kid because that's what I

was told I was. I remember my mother making me weigh myself when I

was 8 and saying I was too fat. Looking back on my pictures though I

really wasn't fat. Yes, I was a big kid but I don't think I

look " fat. " There was a picture of me showing my 4H calf when I was

9. Next to the boy my age in the same class I was bigger but I was

also a lot taller. I just looked like a slightly overweight kid!

Now I just have to remember a POSITIVE event when I was happy as a

kid...showing that darn calf was not exactly positive. You can tell

I am trying not to cry in that picture....I don't know how many times

Skipper jumped on my feet!

[Guest guest]

Hi ! Unfortunately that picture is an hour away in my parents house in my childhood photo album....or I'd send it to you! My face is bright red and I'm holding on for dear life to that darn calf who is frolicking at my side! You can see the other people in the class in the background. My first thought when I saw the picture was of horror....that darn Skipper! But then I realized...hey I wasn't fat. And actually I just remembered that I did feel fat that day. I had to wear beige pants and a white blouse and my Mom had to buy the pants special for that as I didn't have any beige pants. I remember Mom complaining about how big I was getting when she bought the pants. But looking back I really wasn't very big. voxunpopuli wrote: First, what a great name you have, ....and thats my name too!Second, I am dying to see this photograph! I bet it is precious!I love that you were discussing how you were uncomfortable because how the calf was stepping on your feet! And not because you were afraid of looking fat in the photograph because thats what usually happened with me and photographs after my disease took over. (some of them are so artfully posed and skillfully arranged it is pathetic so as to maximize my inner thinness and detract from my outter fattness...ha ha) It was some very real pain you were experiencing due to that calf!!!!

.

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[Guest guest]

I laughed out loud at "That darn skipper!"...bwhahahahahaha

I can feel the pain and tension in your reply! Im sorry!

Bless your heart. I think both of our Moms unwittingly projected much of their self loathing and contempt for their own bodies on ours. Im discovering that it doesnt matter if they were fat or thin, it still translates into youre not good enough the way you are and lets work together to change it quickly before anyone else notices.

I, too, remember the uncomfortableness when pants or clothes didnt fit and new ones had to be bought. Unfortunately, we werent well off when I was growing up (3 girls too) and I think with the "diet messages and all sometimes I translated my mothers disgust at my developing body into that I was somehow flawed and not the truth that she just didnt have the money or just plain didnt want to spend it on me? Ill never know.

Lucky for me, I have sons and asked the doctor to take responsibility for them as they were growing up. I took my sick head and hands off of it. The doctor explained that sometimes children will put on excess weight in preparation for a growth spurt. My son is now 6'2" so I am glad his body knew to do that for him! Boy....its a good thing I am not in charge of my body!

Anyway, thank you for the opportunity to email you and share this story. I hope I didnt bore you! If you do get out to your Moms I would really really really love to see that photo. I am an artist and oil painter. I have a thing for "seeing". I would consider it an honor. For the time being though, your description was nothing short of precious. Its always wonderful to experience things through the subjects eyes intially.

Thanks again......

Love,

Re: Re: My Authentic Self Eight Years Old

Hi ! Unfortunately that picture is an hour away in my parents house in my childhood photo album....or I'd send it to you! My face is bright red and I'm holding on for dear life to that darn calf who is frolicking at my side! You can see the other people in the class in the background. My first thought when I saw the picture was of horror....that darn Skipper! But then I realized...hey I wasn't fat. And actually I just remembered that I did feel fat that day. I had to wear beige pants and a white blouse and my Mom had to buy the pants special for that as I didn't have any beige pants. I remember Mom complaining about how big I was getting when she bought the pants. But looking back I really wasn't very big.

voxunpopuli <voxunpopuliaol> wrote:

First, what a great name you have, ....and thats my name too!

Second, I am dying to see this photograph! I bet it is precious!

I love that you were discussing how you were uncomfortable because

how the calf was stepping on your feet! And not because you were

afraid of looking fat in the photograph because thats what usually

happened with me and photographs after my disease took over. (some of

them are so artfully posed and skillfully arranged it is pathetic so

as to maximize my inner thinness and detract from my outter

fattness...ha ha) It was some very real pain you were experiencing

due to that calf!!!!

..

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[Guest guest]

HI ! No you did not bore me!! I enjoyed telling you about it. My family didn't have much money either when I was growing up so I think that was part of my mother's frustration when I needed bigger clothes. I was from a family of 5 and we used to go to the States every summer (I'm from Nova Scotia) and buy cheap clothes. I remember Mom making me try on these ugly elastic waist pants in the aisle at KMart and getting mad when they didn't fit! I'm glad I don't have a picture of that!! I'll try and remember and scan that picture the next time I am home. I'm glad I didn't bore you! voxunpopuli@... wrote: I laughed out loud at "That darn skipper!"...bwhahahahahaha I can feel the pain and tension in your reply! Im sorry! Bless your heart. I think both of our Moms unwittingly projected much of their self loathing and contempt for their own bodies on ours. Im discovering that it doesnt matter if they were fat or thin, it still translates into youre not good enough the way you are and lets work together to change it quickly before anyone else notices. I, too, remember the uncomfortableness when pants or clothes didnt fit and new ones had to be bought. Unfortunately, we werent well off when I was growing up (3 girls too) and I think with the "diet

messages and all sometimes I translated my mothers disgust at my developing body into that I was somehow flawed and not the truth that she just didnt have the money or just plain didnt want to spend it on me? Ill never know. Lucky for me, I have sons and asked the doctor to take responsibility for them as they were growing up. I took my sick head and hands off of it. The doctor explained that sometimes children will put on excess weight in preparation for a growth spurt. My son is now 6'2" so I am glad his body knew to do that for him! Boy....its a good thing I am not in charge of my body! Anyway, thank you for the opportunity to email you and share this story. I hope I didnt bore you! If you do get out to your Moms I would really really really love to see that photo. I am an artist and oil painter. I have a thing for "seeing". I would consider it an

honor. For the time being though, your description was nothing short of precious. Its always wonderful to experience things through the subjects eyes intially. Thanks again...... Love, .

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