JEN! (Was: can someone do this for me?????)

[Guest guest]

wrose-@... wrote:

original article:/group/12-step-free/?start=9253

> Amen, .

>

>

<blush>

Oh, shit, and I've been beating myself up all day for being so

hard on this poor woman! I fucking _hate_ Dr for being so

hardass on people who are obviously in a world of hurt and here

I am doing the same goddamn thing. Too blunt for my own good, or

anyone else's.

OK, so I'm not cut out to be a therapist, but Jen! HEY Lady! If you

read this I'm pulling for you! Really! So is everyone else here,

I'm willing to bet (and I'm such a f***ing tightwad I wouldn't bet

on the sun coming up tomorrow)!

I'm also pulling for your man, having been in his position. I

honestly hope he doesn't have to go through much more--if I could

WISH him straight for you (and for him), I would. But you need to

be really strong for YOURSELF if you're going to do ANY good for

him, or the people around you, or for yourself.

If you need to, find a good therapist who can help you see through

all the unearned guilt you feel--and it no doubt is unearned.

If that isn't a possibility, you have a bunch of people here willing

to offer their advice, and some of it may be good! But leaving

your man for awhile is probably going to be the best thing you can

do, even if it isn't the easiest. You shouldn't live in fear, just

as you shouldn't live with undeserved guilt.

Keep in touch, okay?

.

>

> babystrang-@... wrote:

> original article:/group/12-step-free/?start=9252

> > javajen-@... wrote:

> > original article:/group/12-step-free/?start=9

250

> > > ok here is the problem....when I started researching the cult

phenom

> > of 12

> > > step groups, my husband decided that it was ok to start drinking

> > again. His

> > > choice yes, but of course I feel guilty about him losing his

" clean "

> > time. He

> > > is now back to doing coke on the weekends and selling stuff like

his

> > jewelry

> > > and tools for crack. He is penniless and hungry by Monday and I am

> > right

> > > there to feed him and clothe him and rehydrate him and give him

cig

> > and lunch

> > > money. I am not capable of leaving because I no longer have words

> > like " tough

> > > love " and " enable " in my vocabulary anymore.

> >

> >

> > Jen, if you can type those words to an email group, they are

> apparently

> > still in your vocabulary. But if you're looking for a better term,

> how

> > about

> > " self preservation " ? I don't know why you're staying in the same

> house

> > with

> > a drug addict, but your vocabulary has nothing to do with it.

> >

> >

> > We have a 15 year history of

> > > this and now this time I do not know what to do. I want to leave

and

> > I cannot

> > > make myself.WHY?? can someone please tell me why? I can't go

through

> > this

> > > again with no money and watching him destroy himself, yet he won't

> > leave

> > > because he has no where to go. I on the other hand have lots of

> > places to go

> > > and can afford to, but instead I am just sinking my money all back

> > into his

> > > fuckups. I am very desperate and lost I am a helper, for some

> reason

> > I

> > > cannot turn my back on people in need, yet I cannot protect myself

> > either.

> > > Yesterday I thought suicide was a good way out, but I would miss

my

> > daughter,

> > > and she would be heart broken.

> >

> >

> > You don't say how old your daughter is. But if she's still a kid,

or

> > even a

> > young adult, ask yourself this: " Is the way I am living what I would

> > want for

> > her? Is this the kind of role model my daughter needs--a mother who

> > suffers

> > for a guy whose habit is more important than her? "

> >

> > What would you tell her if she were in your exact same position?

> >

> >

> > I know that I am not afraid to die, but I

> > > would hurt to many people that way. God forbid I hurt anyone. How

> > come I feel

> > > like I am not worth it? Do I hate myself? Do I like abuse? Is this

> > all about

> > > self esteem? Am I scared of my husband? I am sure he would show up

> > whereever

> > > I am anyway. He has not hit me in 3 years, although we get closer

> and

> > closer

> > > to it these days. I feel responsible for him now that I can't send

> > him

> > > packing off to AA or some such place. I guess what I want is for

> > someone to

> > > tell me how to just leave. Is this a common problem for people who

> > were once

> > > involved in the steps? can anybody help me?

> > > Jen

> >

> > I don't know how you can live with a man who you think may

eventually

> > start

> > hitting you again.

> >

> > You are NOT responsible for his drug use--understand that much.

> >

> > Your looking into alternatives to AA had nothing to do with his

> > starting to drink or use--it was HIS decision. The decision to quit

> is

> > his, too--and if he has someone willing to be his Mommy through it,

> and

> > feel

> > guilty over his own shitty choices in the bargain, there is no

reason

> > for

> > him to quit.

> >

> > However much he may love you, the drugs are more important to him

> right

> > now.

> > They're more important than you, they're more important than

> > maintaining a

> > responsible adult life, they're more important than his own ability

to

> > look at

> > himself in the mirror and know he's a decent human being. It's a

> shitty

> > thing, to think that the high he keeps chasing after is more

important

> > than

> > you, who love him as you do. It's understandable that you would

want

> > to try

> > everything you could to protect him from the harm he doesn't see fit

> to

> > protect himself from. But if you stick around and continue to mother

> > him and

> > feel guilty it's only going to prolong his drug use.

> >

> > He will quit when there is a compelling reason for him to quit--I

have

> > no

> > idea what that will be, or even if he will ever find one. But if

you

> > keep

> > making him the center of your life, and insist on sticking around

out

> > of

> > guilt and pity, he's going to drag you right down with him. What

are

> > you

> > going to do if he hits you again? What are you going to do if the

> > cops show

> > up at your door?

> >

> > You already have somewhere to go; I suggest you take advantage of

it.

> > It

> > doesn't have to be forever, but I wouldn't move back in with him

until

> > he

> > was clean again, and had been so for a reasonable amount of time.

And

> > in the

> > meantime, I'd try to find out why you feel so crappy about yourself

> that

> > you're willing to put up with this sort of situation and still feel

> > like the

> > guilty party.

> >

> > If my bluntness is hurtful, I am sorry; but I also say all this

from

> > experience. I was the addicted partner in a relationship years ago,

> > with

> > a boyfriend who kept trying to carry my load as well as his. It

wasn't

> > until he refused to protect me from my own actions any longer that

I

> > began looking for help; I could have gone on using for a long time

had

> > he

> > kept being my caretaker. We're still friends, and can laugh about

it

> > now; though I was angry and hurt and full of hate for him at the

> time,

> > in retrospect I'm glad he did it.

> >

> > Take care,

> > .

> >

> >

> >

> >

>