Guest guest Posted May 14, 1998 Report Share Posted May 14, 1998 Thank you Lori for being so open. I really think God is working here in our lives. Connie talked for an hour and 1/2 with (the therapist) today and broke down and cried about some things. Then her dad called her tonight and was mean and she called me 3 times trying to work it out in her mind with what she had worked with on. We discussed how she must work out the abuse issue from her dad so she could improve her marriage and her parenting, even tho it is SO hard. And she sees how her mom is allowing it to herself and to Connie and her little brother (same age as ). I told her I feel about like she feels about Mark and she said AHA! Much more but I gotta tend to my grandsons bedtime. S. Re: child abuse cycle > > >Hi , > >If it is any consolation, it *is* possible to break the abuse cycle especially if the child can be saved >from the situation. > >I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother and had a wimp of a father who stood by and did >nothing to stop it because he was too afraid of my mother (she abused him too: hit him, threw things at >him, destroyed the things he loved like his train set, destroyed his clothes etc.). She and my father >would have arguements after we (my brother and I) were asleep but make my brother and I get out of bed to >watch the fight. She wanted us to see " how bad our father was " . My grandparents lived across the street >and frequently came over to stop the fight...they were so loud that my grandparents could hear them! >They often took my brother and I over to their house to stay over night just to get us out of that >environment. Finally, they divorced and my father managed to get custody. We lived with my grandparents >and they essentially raised us. My grandmother never once laid a hand on me in discipline but she didn't >need to (although she did swat my brother on the bottom once in awhile as a last resort but he was more of >a " handful " than I was). She used the technique of making me suffer the consequence of my own actions. >She taught me that there are alternative ways of disciplining your child besided beating them and yelling >at them. > >My grandmother started the saving process and my husband finished it. He grew up in a household >reminiscent of the Waltons. He has incredible control of his temper and sets a good example for me when I >am about to lose it. On the other hand, he tends to yell to much and I keep him in check by reminding him >that he is yelling. We work together to avoid taking any anger our on our child. If I see that Alycia is >getting to him, I will step in until he calms down and he does the same for me. If I am alone with Alycia >and feel I am losing my temper, I put her in her room where she is safe while I go put *myself* in time >out until I cool down. I also have recieved a lot of guidance in parenting from Alycia's daycare director >and from observing how the teachers at school handle discipline issues. I try to use consequences or >distraction when ever possible and use time out as a last resort. I don't hit because I am trying to >teach Alycia not to hit her friends....I feel it gives her a warped message if she is told not to hit when >angry if her parents spank her when angry. I think we are doing a good job so far, she is a pretty >obedient child and a pleasure to be around. > >As for Arm pulling...I could be accused of that because I alway hold Alycia by the upper arm instead of >her hand. I do this because her joints are so loose and I literally fear that I will pull her wrist out >of it's socket by holding her hand. I worry that it looks abusive to hold her by the arm but I am doing >this for her safety. So, sometimes, holding by the arm is acceptable. > >Lori > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >Looking for a new hobby? Want to make a new friend? >http://www.onelist.com >Come join one of the 145,000 email communities at ONElist! >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >Brought to you by www.imdn.org - an on-line support group for those affected by mitochondrial disease. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 1998 Report Share Posted May 14, 1998 Thank you Lori for being so open. I really think God is working here in our lives. Connie talked for an hour and 1/2 with (the therapist) today and broke down and cried about some things. Then her dad called her tonight and was mean and she called me 3 times trying to work it out in her mind with what she had worked with on. We discussed how she must work out the abuse issue from her dad so she could improve her marriage and her parenting, even tho it is SO hard. And she sees how her mom is allowing it to herself and to Connie and her little brother (same age as ). I told her I feel about like she feels about Mark and she said AHA! Much more but I gotta tend to my grandsons bedtime. S. Re: child abuse cycle > > >Hi , > >If it is any consolation, it *is* possible to break the abuse cycle especially if the child can be saved >from the situation. > >I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother and had a wimp of a father who stood by and did >nothing to stop it because he was too afraid of my mother (she abused him too: hit him, threw things at >him, destroyed the things he loved like his train set, destroyed his clothes etc.). She and my father >would have arguements after we (my brother and I) were asleep but make my brother and I get out of bed to >watch the fight. She wanted us to see " how bad our father was " . My grandparents lived across the street >and frequently came over to stop the fight...they were so loud that my grandparents could hear them! >They often took my brother and I over to their house to stay over night just to get us out of that >environment. Finally, they divorced and my father managed to get custody. We lived with my grandparents >and they essentially raised us. My grandmother never once laid a hand on me in discipline but she didn't >need to (although she did swat my brother on the bottom once in awhile as a last resort but he was more of >a " handful " than I was). She used the technique of making me suffer the consequence of my own actions. >She taught me that there are alternative ways of disciplining your child besided beating them and yelling >at them. > >My grandmother started the saving process and my husband finished it. He grew up in a household >reminiscent of the Waltons. He has incredible control of his temper and sets a good example for me when I >am about to lose it. On the other hand, he tends to yell to much and I keep him in check by reminding him >that he is yelling. We work together to avoid taking any anger our on our child. If I see that Alycia is >getting to him, I will step in until he calms down and he does the same for me. If I am alone with Alycia >and feel I am losing my temper, I put her in her room where she is safe while I go put *myself* in time >out until I cool down. I also have recieved a lot of guidance in parenting from Alycia's daycare director >and from observing how the teachers at school handle discipline issues. I try to use consequences or >distraction when ever possible and use time out as a last resort. I don't hit because I am trying to >teach Alycia not to hit her friends....I feel it gives her a warped message if she is told not to hit when >angry if her parents spank her when angry. I think we are doing a good job so far, she is a pretty >obedient child and a pleasure to be around. > >As for Arm pulling...I could be accused of that because I alway hold Alycia by the upper arm instead of >her hand. I do this because her joints are so loose and I literally fear that I will pull her wrist out >of it's socket by holding her hand. I worry that it looks abusive to hold her by the arm but I am doing >this for her safety. So, sometimes, holding by the arm is acceptable. > >Lori > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >Looking for a new hobby? Want to make a new friend? >http://www.onelist.com >Come join one of the 145,000 email communities at ONElist! >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >Brought to you by www.imdn.org - an on-line support group for those affected by mitochondrial disease. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 1998 Report Share Posted May 14, 1998 When I say arm pulling I mean yanking him too hard or squeezing it hard enough to cause a bruise. I know about yanking kids arms out of sockets because when Tasha was a baby picked her up by the arm (no abuse, just picked her up that way) and it pulled the arm loose at the shoulder (makes me shudder to think about it). We didn't know it until several days had passed and she kept fussing and favoring her arm, wouldn't use it, etc. so we took her to the Dr. worried at what could possibly be wrong (not even hooking it to that) and he explained to us NEVER pick a child up that way as this was so easy with little ones. It is like the shaking thing when people think they are having fun tossing the baby in the air. Fun or not it can damage the brain. What you are doing with Alycia is totally understandable and not abuse as you say, in fact you are being careful of another area of weakness. I hope no one would think you were hurting her. You sound like a super careful, loving parent to me Lori. - >>As for Arm pulling...I could be accused of that because I alway hold Alycia >by the upper arm instead of >>her hand. I do this because her joints are so loose and I literally fear >that I will pull her wrist out >>of it's socket by holding her hand. I worry that it looks abusive to hold >her by the arm but I am doing >>this for her safety. So, sometimes, holding by the arm is acceptable. >> >>Lori >> >> >>------------------------------------------------------------------------ >>Looking for a new hobby? Want to make a new friend? >>http://www.onelist.com >>Come join one of the 145,000 email communities at ONElist! >>------------------------------------------------------------------------ >>Brought to you by www.imdn.org - an on-line support group for those >affected by mitochondrial disease. >> > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >The Final Countdown is here! >http://www.ONElist.com >Join the " Star Wars " craze at ONElist. >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >Brought to you by www.imdn.org - an on-line support group for those affected by mitochondrial disease. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 1998 Report Share Posted May 14, 1998 When I say arm pulling I mean yanking him too hard or squeezing it hard enough to cause a bruise. I know about yanking kids arms out of sockets because when Tasha was a baby picked her up by the arm (no abuse, just picked her up that way) and it pulled the arm loose at the shoulder (makes me shudder to think about it). We didn't know it until several days had passed and she kept fussing and favoring her arm, wouldn't use it, etc. so we took her to the Dr. worried at what could possibly be wrong (not even hooking it to that) and he explained to us NEVER pick a child up that way as this was so easy with little ones. It is like the shaking thing when people think they are having fun tossing the baby in the air. Fun or not it can damage the brain. What you are doing with Alycia is totally understandable and not abuse as you say, in fact you are being careful of another area of weakness. I hope no one would think you were hurting her. You sound like a super careful, loving parent to me Lori. - >>As for Arm pulling...I could be accused of that because I alway hold Alycia >by the upper arm instead of >>her hand. I do this because her joints are so loose and I literally fear >that I will pull her wrist out >>of it's socket by holding her hand. I worry that it looks abusive to hold >her by the arm but I am doing >>this for her safety. So, sometimes, holding by the arm is acceptable. >> >>Lori >> >> >>------------------------------------------------------------------------ >>Looking for a new hobby? Want to make a new friend? >>http://www.onelist.com >>Come join one of the 145,000 email communities at ONElist! >>------------------------------------------------------------------------ >>Brought to you by www.imdn.org - an on-line support group for those >affected by mitochondrial disease. >> > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >The Final Countdown is here! >http://www.ONElist.com >Join the " Star Wars " craze at ONElist. >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >Brought to you by www.imdn.org - an on-line support group for those affected by mitochondrial disease. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 1998 Report Share Posted May 14, 1998 When I say arm pulling I mean yanking him too hard or squeezing it hard enough to cause a bruise. I know about yanking kids arms out of sockets because when Tasha was a baby picked her up by the arm (no abuse, just picked her up that way) and it pulled the arm loose at the shoulder (makes me shudder to think about it). We didn't know it until several days had passed and she kept fussing and favoring her arm, wouldn't use it, etc. so we took her to the Dr. worried at what could possibly be wrong (not even hooking it to that) and he explained to us NEVER pick a child up that way as this was so easy with little ones. It is like the shaking thing when people think they are having fun tossing the baby in the air. Fun or not it can damage the brain. What you are doing with Alycia is totally understandable and not abuse as you say, in fact you are being careful of another area of weakness. I hope no one would think you were hurting her. You sound like a super careful, loving parent to me Lori. - >>As for Arm pulling...I could be accused of that because I alway hold Alycia >by the upper arm instead of >>her hand. I do this because her joints are so loose and I literally fear >that I will pull her wrist out >>of it's socket by holding her hand. I worry that it looks abusive to hold >her by the arm but I am doing >>this for her safety. So, sometimes, holding by the arm is acceptable. >> >>Lori >> >> >>------------------------------------------------------------------------ >>Looking for a new hobby? Want to make a new friend? >>http://www.onelist.com >>Come join one of the 145,000 email communities at ONElist! >>------------------------------------------------------------------------ >>Brought to you by www.imdn.org - an on-line support group for those >affected by mitochondrial disease. >> > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >The Final Countdown is here! >http://www.ONElist.com >Join the " Star Wars " craze at ONElist. >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >Brought to you by www.imdn.org - an on-line support group for those affected by mitochondrial disease. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 1999 Report Share Posted May 14, 1999 Hi , If it is any consolation, it *is* possible to break the abuse cycle especially if the child can be saved from the situation. I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother and had a wimp of a father who stood by and did nothing to stop it because he was too afraid of my mother (she abused him too: hit him, threw things at him, destroyed the things he loved like his train set, destroyed his clothes etc.). She and my father would have arguements after we (my brother and I) were asleep but make my brother and I get out of bed to watch the fight. She wanted us to see " how bad our father was " . My grandparents lived across the street and frequently came over to stop the fight...they were so loud that my grandparents could hear them! They often took my brother and I over to their house to stay over night just to get us out of that environment. Finally, they divorced and my father managed to get custody. We lived with my grandparents and they essentially raised us. My grandmother never once laid a hand on me in discipline but she didn't need to (although she did swat my brother on the bottom once in awhile as a last resort but he was more of a " handful " than I was). She used the technique of making me suffer the consequence of my own actions. She taught me that there are alternative ways of disciplining your child besided beating them and yelling at them. My grandmother started the saving process and my husband finished it. He grew up in a household reminiscent of the Waltons. He has incredible control of his temper and sets a good example for me when I am about to lose it. On the other hand, he tends to yell to much and I keep him in check by reminding him that he is yelling. We work together to avoid taking any anger our on our child. If I see that Alycia is getting to him, I will step in until he calms down and he does the same for me. If I am alone with Alycia and feel I am losing my temper, I put her in her room where she is safe while I go put *myself* in time out until I cool down. I also have recieved a lot of guidance in parenting from Alycia's daycare director and from observing how the teachers at school handle discipline issues. I try to use consequences or distraction when ever possible and use time out as a last resort. I don't hit because I am trying to teach Alycia not to hit her friends....I feel it gives her a warped message if she is told not to hit when angry if her parents spank her when angry. I think we are doing a good job so far, she is a pretty obedient child and a pleasure to be around. As for Arm pulling...I could be accused of that because I alway hold Alycia by the upper arm instead of her hand. I do this because her joints are so loose and I literally fear that I will pull her wrist out of it's socket by holding her hand. I worry that it looks abusive to hold her by the arm but I am doing this for her safety. So, sometimes, holding by the arm is acceptable. Lori Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 1999 Report Share Posted May 14, 1999 Hi , If it is any consolation, it *is* possible to break the abuse cycle especially if the child can be saved from the situation. I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother and had a wimp of a father who stood by and did nothing to stop it because he was too afraid of my mother (she abused him too: hit him, threw things at him, destroyed the things he loved like his train set, destroyed his clothes etc.). She and my father would have arguements after we (my brother and I) were asleep but make my brother and I get out of bed to watch the fight. She wanted us to see " how bad our father was " . My grandparents lived across the street and frequently came over to stop the fight...they were so loud that my grandparents could hear them! They often took my brother and I over to their house to stay over night just to get us out of that environment. Finally, they divorced and my father managed to get custody. We lived with my grandparents and they essentially raised us. My grandmother never once laid a hand on me in discipline but she didn't need to (although she did swat my brother on the bottom once in awhile as a last resort but he was more of a " handful " than I was). She used the technique of making me suffer the consequence of my own actions. She taught me that there are alternative ways of disciplining your child besided beating them and yelling at them. My grandmother started the saving process and my husband finished it. He grew up in a household reminiscent of the Waltons. He has incredible control of his temper and sets a good example for me when I am about to lose it. On the other hand, he tends to yell to much and I keep him in check by reminding him that he is yelling. We work together to avoid taking any anger our on our child. If I see that Alycia is getting to him, I will step in until he calms down and he does the same for me. If I am alone with Alycia and feel I am losing my temper, I put her in her room where she is safe while I go put *myself* in time out until I cool down. I also have recieved a lot of guidance in parenting from Alycia's daycare director and from observing how the teachers at school handle discipline issues. I try to use consequences or distraction when ever possible and use time out as a last resort. I don't hit because I am trying to teach Alycia not to hit her friends....I feel it gives her a warped message if she is told not to hit when angry if her parents spank her when angry. I think we are doing a good job so far, she is a pretty obedient child and a pleasure to be around. As for Arm pulling...I could be accused of that because I alway hold Alycia by the upper arm instead of her hand. I do this because her joints are so loose and I literally fear that I will pull her wrist out of it's socket by holding her hand. I worry that it looks abusive to hold her by the arm but I am doing this for her safety. So, sometimes, holding by the arm is acceptable. Lori Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 14, 1999 Report Share Posted May 14, 1999 Hi , If it is any consolation, it *is* possible to break the abuse cycle especially if the child can be saved from the situation. I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother and had a wimp of a father who stood by and did nothing to stop it because he was too afraid of my mother (she abused him too: hit him, threw things at him, destroyed the things he loved like his train set, destroyed his clothes etc.). She and my father would have arguements after we (my brother and I) were asleep but make my brother and I get out of bed to watch the fight. She wanted us to see " how bad our father was " . My grandparents lived across the street and frequently came over to stop the fight...they were so loud that my grandparents could hear them! They often took my brother and I over to their house to stay over night just to get us out of that environment. Finally, they divorced and my father managed to get custody. We lived with my grandparents and they essentially raised us. My grandmother never once laid a hand on me in discipline but she didn't need to (although she did swat my brother on the bottom once in awhile as a last resort but he was more of a " handful " than I was). She used the technique of making me suffer the consequence of my own actions. She taught me that there are alternative ways of disciplining your child besided beating them and yelling at them. My grandmother started the saving process and my husband finished it. He grew up in a household reminiscent of the Waltons. He has incredible control of his temper and sets a good example for me when I am about to lose it. On the other hand, he tends to yell to much and I keep him in check by reminding him that he is yelling. We work together to avoid taking any anger our on our child. If I see that Alycia is getting to him, I will step in until he calms down and he does the same for me. If I am alone with Alycia and feel I am losing my temper, I put her in her room where she is safe while I go put *myself* in time out until I cool down. I also have recieved a lot of guidance in parenting from Alycia's daycare director and from observing how the teachers at school handle discipline issues. I try to use consequences or distraction when ever possible and use time out as a last resort. I don't hit because I am trying to teach Alycia not to hit her friends....I feel it gives her a warped message if she is told not to hit when angry if her parents spank her when angry. I think we are doing a good job so far, she is a pretty obedient child and a pleasure to be around. As for Arm pulling...I could be accused of that because I alway hold Alycia by the upper arm instead of her hand. I do this because her joints are so loose and I literally fear that I will pull her wrist out of it's socket by holding her hand. I worry that it looks abusive to hold her by the arm but I am doing this for her safety. So, sometimes, holding by the arm is acceptable. Lori Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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