Getting accountable

[Guest guest]

Good Morning Everyone!

Okay, in an attempt to get a grip and get accountable ~ I finally stepped on the scale after not doing so for the last 6 weeks. It wasn't pretty, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I gained 9 pounds (at 268). As you know, I've been dealing with a lot of stress over buying a home (oh, we're closing Tuesday evening ~ everything finally worked out great!), and over my health issues. It also didn't help to break my toe! Anyway, I can look for all the excuses in the world ~ but I have to admit to myself and everyone else that I have food issues. An addict? Yes, that's what I probably am. Able to control myself for months at a time ~ then going completely "off the wagon" in moments of stress. Why else would I turn to food in the moment of crisis? I'm not happy to discover this about myself ~ I admit that it does make me feel weak. However, I am happy that this break in my program has given me this insight and now I can work on it. It's not just about being on a diet anymore ... it's about learning why I eat out of frustration, pain, stress, etc. So, if these 9 pounds have given me the knowledge that I need to work on my mental state, then maybe it's been a good thing. You would think that after losing 166 pounds I would have learned a thing or two. I guess I really didn't. Yes, I can lose the weight ~ but I can just as easily gain it back. So, starting over ... I've lost 157 pounds in 3 years, an accomplishment I should be proud of. Why don't I see that it's wonderful? I recognize that it's good, but deep down it's never enough. I'm forever telling others to be patient and kind to themselves ... but now I'm wondering if I really do that with myself.

So, I'm re-committed. Not only to losing the rest of the weight, but in discovering what's going on inside my brain and why I need the comfort of food the way I do when stressed. I need to learn other techniques to cope. Most importantly, I need to learn why I don't feel that I should have what others have.

This has been a startling revelation to me. I really thought I was very well centered and understood myself. It's funny that 9 pounds could have given me all this insight. Has anyone been through this? What have you learned?

Hugs,

Babette