Matt-better day/isolating

October 18, 1999

I can sure relate to what you're saying Matt. 1 1/2

years out of NA and I'm still alone. Trying to figure

out the puzzle. When you say " I desperately need

people to survive- like oxygen " that sounds like when

AA says " you need the other AA members or you'll end

up in jails, institutions or dead if you " isolate " .

When you say " I get very confused by myself " this

sounds a lot like when NA says " An addict alone is in

bad company " , etc. There is so much SHAME I got for

" isolating " . And why was I doing it? Cause they were

emotionally abusing the hell out of me, that's why!

And this " I should get my ass in gear and do

something about this, meet some people, or else commit

suicide(or something to that effect you said) well

that sounds a lot like a " show some willingness or

else " ! death threat from AA.(and who needs any more of

those?)

I have not figured out the whole puzzle yet but I've

decided that part of the new plan has to be that

spending time by yourself is OKAY. Even AFTER we make

new friends, etc. it is still important to have time

to yourself. Also I have stoppped giving myself death

threats and urgent ultimatums/ " must " do,s. Part of

their step 2 and 3 / " willingness " is to force you to

do things you're not ready to do/ go against yourself.

One theory I have is that I was ENMESHED (Scmucked

together, the extreme opposite of " isolated " ) with so

many people for so long, telling total strangers

intimate things about myself at meetings, and

especiallly in " treatment " , that I need a period

totally by myself to balance that off with, to

reestablish my sense of a seperate self, boundaries.

More recently, I'm suspecting that it's important

for me to learn that I will NOT die by myself. Yes, I

get lonely. Sometimes very. This one sure is a puzzle.

Recommended Posts