Adults with Aspergers FAQ

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Frequently Asked Questions on Asperger SyndromeDr. Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.1. What is Asperger Syndrome?Asperger Syndrome (AS) is the term applied to the high functioning end of what isknown as the spectrum of pervasive developmental disorders or the Autism spectrum.Asperger syndrome is a relatively new category, since it was officially recognized in theDiagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) for the first time in 1994.Since AS itself shows a range or spectrum of symptom severity, many individuals whomight meet criteria for that diagnosis are viewed as "unusual" or "just different," or aremisdiagnosed with conditions such as Attention Deficit Disorder.The new DSM-4 criteria for a diagnosis of AS include the presence of:* The impaired use of nonverbal behaviors to regulate social interaction, failure todevelop age-appropriate peer relationships, lack of spontaneous interest in sharingexperiences with others, and lack of social or emotional reciprocity.* Restricted, repetitive, and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, andactivities involving: preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted pattern ofinterest, inflexible adherence to specific nonfunctional routines or rituals, stereotyped orrepetitive motor mannerisms, or preoccupation with parts of objects.2. How common is Asperger Syndrome?AS is much more common than previously realized and many adults are undiagnosed.Studies suggest that AS is considerably more common than "classic" Autism. WhereasAutism has traditionally been thought to occur in about 4 out of every 10,000 children,estimates of Asperger Syndrome have ranged as high as 20-25 per 10,000. A studycarried out in Sweden , concluded that nearly 0.7% of the children studied had symptomssuggestive of AS to some degree. Time Magazine notes in its May 6, 2002 issue coverstory, "ASD is five times as common as Down syndrome and three times as common asjuvenile diabetes."3. All of us have symptoms like these at times. Are we all Aspergers?Many describe living with an Aspie as "water torture." It is the constant drip, drip, dripof small thoughtless behaviors that destroys the relationship. The lack of eye contact, theobsessive/compulsive behaviors, the adherence to rigid routines, the self absorption, thesocial anxiety, all lead to family members feeling like they just cannot connect with theirAsperger family members. But it isn't so much the unusual behaviors that make theconnecting difficult, but the inconsistency. Never knowing what is coming next, makes aloving connection very difficult.4. What distinguishes Asperger thinking from normal thinking?Asperger Syndrome (AS) is demonstrated by deficits in communication, social skillsand reciprocity of feelings. The Aspie knows what they think and feel but are oftenunaware of what their loved ones think or feel. With limited empathy for others, you can'treally connect. So those with Asperger Syndrome go through life focused on their needsand wants often missing what is going on with others. This does not mean that they don'tfeel or love but they don't seem to notice what is going on with others and do not conveythat they care.5. What is mind blindness?Most of our communication and interpersonal relating is nonverbal in nature. Theperson with Asperger Syndrome has trouble reading these nonverbal cues and thereforeignores the bulk of communication. This mind blindness leaves the spouse wondering ifshe is understood or cared for or trusted by her Aspie partner.6. Can men with Asperger Syndrome love?All people can feel love. It's a matter of quality in a relationship with an AS adult. TheAS man never seems to learn that his wife can't feel his love if he does not demonstrate it.He will do what he thinks is best for the both of them but seldom talks to her about herfeelings or opinions. And if she tries to share her love for him, he may find her need to"connect" smothering. Often these relationships are without sexual intimacy.7. Why can't these men connect?If you don't have much of an interior life yourself and you cannot comprehend theinterior life of another, then connection is very difficult. An Aspie husband and Neuro-typical (NT) wife are often described as like two insulated wires wrapped around eachother, . . . touching but not connecting.8. Why do Asperger men and Neuro-typical women get married?AS men are attracted to strong, intelligent, compassionate women who can handle thesocial world for them. These same women are attracted to the unconventional nature andboyish charm of AS men. They feel he will allow them their independence. It is only laterthat they learn their AS partner is quite conservative. Instead of supporting herindependence the NT wife realizes that her AS husband is merely disinterested in herinterests. His attention is narrowly focused on his interests.9. Are there women with Asperger Syndrome?Yes and their lives are probably even more complex than their male counterparts. Tosome extent, males with Asperger's are more accepted because their behavior is viewed asextreme male thinking. But women with Asperger Syndrome are viewed as cold, uncaring,and selfish. Many AS women never marry or they marry AS men.10. What kind of parents are people with Asperger Syndrome?We are just learning about this tragedy from adults coming forward to tell about beingraised by AS parents. So far these people are reporting that they have coped with severedepression and self esteem problems because they lived with a parent who could notnurture them or get to know who they really are. It is very debilitating to experienceemotional rejection daily as a child, even if your physical needs are provided for. This doesnot mean the AS parent does not love their child. But the communication and relatingdeficits confuse the child and can lead to the child feeling unloved.11. Why is it so emotionally debilitating for NTs to live with these people?When the person you love does not respond to your bids for affection, or attempts toshare your inner world, you come to doubt your perception of reality. Slowly your self-esteem is eroded. You walk on eggshells wondering what abuse the AS parent or spousewill dish out next. If your mate, child or parent has not yet been diagnosed, you do notknow that they have a developmental disability. So you keep trying to reach them or solvethe problem and often blame yourself. You find a way to cope and often this createssevere depression or extreme resentment. Many NTs who have grown up with AS parentsreport a lifetime of severe depression, "nervous breakdowns" and a string of brokenrelationships because they came to believe that they had no worth. Remember it is thechild's experience that defines the parenting, not whether the AS parent loves their child.12. What do you mean by walking on eggshells in an Asperger marriage?Men with undiagnosed AS often feel as if their spouse is being ungrateful or "Bitchy"when she complains he is uncaring or never listens to her. He knows what he thinks andhow he feels, so should she. He has no need to understand her so her complaints arebothersome to him. He can come to be quite defensive when she asks for clarification or alittle sympathy. The defensiveness turns into verbal abuse (and sometimes physical abuse)as the husband attempts to control the communication to suit his view of the world.13. Is there a cure for Asperger Syndrome or for the marriage?Asperger Syndrome is an incurable form of autism. The usual methods ofpsychotherapy used to teach clients communication and interpersonal skills will not workwith AS. The AS client can master some simple behaviors to get them by in the world, butthey will fall short in the intimacy of marriage. In the marriage the NT spouse will need toadapt to the handicap. She must learn to translate the language to make her needs andwants as explicit as possible because her partner cannot read her non-verbalcommunication. She must also look to others for the type of personal and spiritualconnection she can never have with her husband.14. How can you have a marriage without connecting personally or spiritually?Again it is a matter of quality. If you have many interests in common, such as music orsports, you may enjoy the companionship of your AS spouse. However, the strain ofraising children who may have inherited AS from their parent, often puts an end to themarriage. The NT spouse cannot handle the loneliness and abuse, and care for dependentchildren as well. Often she is the one to finally call an end to the marriage. On the otherhand, some NT spouses report that the marriage can be quite gratifying if their AS spouseacknowledges his limitations and works with his wife to create a kind of loving connection.