A hard post...

[Guest guest]

This is a hard post for me. And, the journey that lies ahead is going

to be even harder. It is going to take all the will power I have not

to let this effect my eating. I need to remember that I am making

this lifestyle change for my health.

The day before yesterday, I got evidence that my husband is cheating

again or at least looking for someone to cheat with via the Internet.

He has met a woman, and they met in a town 27 miles a way to go " job

hunting. " Anyway, with my husband's past (other confirmed affairs), I

have no choice but to think the worst. I have always forgiven him

because at the time I did not think that I was being a good wife, and

I realized I had some changes to make too. I have made those changes,

but it seems that he is unwilling to make the changes I need from him.

At this moment, he is camping with our Scout troop. He is supposed to

come in tomorrow and pick me up so I can finish out the trip with the

troop after I get off work. I told him that I was not sure the path

that I was going to take. He left yesterday, which gave me last night

and tonight alone. I told him I was going to use that time to

evaluate what I want to do. I have, and I have decided enough is

enough. I am getting out before what is left of my self-esteem is

destroyed. I am getting out before I let his actions change me as a

person.

He told me he was looking for someone on the Internet because I had

given him an ultimatum to get a job by the middle of May or he was

going to have to get out. He said he was looking for " back up. " I

can't believe he actually thought this would justify things, and make

me forgive him. All it did was serve to show me how " replaceable " he

thinks I am. And, if he truly thinks I am that replaceable, he does

not love me. I gave him the ultimatum because he quit a good paying

job in July of 2003, and he has put in very few applications since

that time. I am behind on all my bills and often don't take my

diabetes medicine because I can't afford to see my doctor or pay my

co-pays. I had decided enough was enough. Maybe I was wrong to give

him an ultimatum, but at least I found out where I stood. I am

replaceable for him. I know that for someone in this world, I am

their only one. I will not be replaceable to them. And, I will find

it some day. But, I am not sacrificing my soul for someone who thinks

I am like a battery you discard when it no longer serves its purpose.

I am sorry to bring things down. I just want you all to know that I

may need a lot of extra support to stay on this journey. I want to

look better, but most of all I want to start living again. And, if

possible, I want to get off my insulin.

Thanks in advance for the love and support you all have provided and

will provide. I am not sure when I am telling my husband. I am trying

to figure out what I need to do. This is so hard for me to grasp

because our 10th anniversary would have been this October. Anyway,

please keep me in your prayers.

Shell

>^..^<