Re: Help me understand--to Bob

[Guest guest]

Hello Bob --

I just thought I'd share my two cents in all this. I agree with most

everything everyone else has already written, so I won't be too redundant. I

think you're fabulous for being as caring and sensitive as you are, and am

glad you want to know our responses. I think you're being really smart about

all this.

I just thought I'd share a couple of thoughts, caveats really. 1.)Even

though it's great you want to know so much, there is a danger of getting too

much information from us that isn't directly from the woman you're involved

with. She seems to be going really slow and there's a danger that you are

racing ahead of her, in a way. Not that it's at ALL bad for you to be caring

and ask for our thoughts, I love that you want to know. But ultimately,

she'll want to feel in control and like she's leading, not that you've

secretly " figured her all out " . So just watch out you don't leap headlong

into this faster than she's willing to go. I bet you already know this... I

just mention this because it's exactly the kind of thing I'D do, and often do

(rush into things too fast for my partner). 2.) Second thing: say this

does work out, and you do get into a relationship with this woman. You sound

like you will be incredibly supportive, hooray, and lucky her. Just watch

out you don't set yourself up as a saint. Male partners can get frustrated,

and they need to know that every once and a while, they can tell their

girlfriend of that frustration... because otherwise it just gets bottled

inside and goes nowhere good. Of course this is much later down the line.

At the beginning, unconditional support is the way to go. If you get serious

later on, and she understands you won't walk out on her, then it's better to

be able to speak honestly about difficulties.

OK, those are my 2 cents!

best wishes,

[Guest guest]

Dear Bob --

I'm glad you appreciated my advice and weren't offended by it! I do think

you're being smart and thoughtful about all this and so I really hope all

goes well for you.

One other thing occured to me when I read your post: you say it felt at

times like this woman was trying to fend you off by telling you all these

things about her health problems. It struck a chord with me, because I had

the same impulse with my current boyfriend. In a way, you could be right

even if she does like you; she could be trying to fend you off even as she's

interested in you at the same time. Pain, depression or low self-esteem on

sex issues will make a lot of women do seemingly " contradictory " things.

They're not really contradictory when you understand why...

For instance... she may feel like she has to make sure she's not covering up

any problems, so that IF you truly like her, you won't be disappointed later

on. She may feel like she has no RIGHT to present herself as an attractive

mate since she can't " follow through " on all that is usually expected of an

intimate couple. I did that... tried to act as unattractive as I could so

that I couldn't be accused of " bait and switch " later on. I put all my " bad

qualities " up front, from the first, for inspection -- not usually what

someone does to attract a mate!

Of course, she may also just be reluctant and wary of going through a

relationship for her own reasons, and so wants to keep you at arm's length to

protect herself (whether from confronting issues of physical pain, or just

protecting herself from getting her hopes up if they're only going to be

dashed later on...)

You see, there are a lot of facets to this that could all add up to the

sensation that she's trying to keep you away. And, as you keep mentioning

wisely, there's always the possibility that she's actually, really not

interested. But if you do feel an honest connection between the two of you,

I'd guess there's a good chance that the other explanations are the right

ones.

Basically, this whole sex/pain syndrome turns us sufferers, emotionally, into

hedgehogs. We develop lots of spines on the outside and curl up to protect

our tender parts. But if you have the time, understanding, love, patience

for it, you can help the hedgehog to relax and uncurl a little. You alone

can't get the problem to go away -- it would be nice if love alone could do

all that, but it doesn't seem to have that power. However, love can be a

very crucial ingredient in a larger treatment program!!!

OK, that was more of my two cents, hope it helps. Enjoy the rest of your day

--

best,