Guest guest Posted August 29, 1999 Report Share Posted August 29, 1999 , I can honestly say I know how you feel. As I said in my Intro, my first ectopic resulted in surgery and the tube was not removed. I was SO thankful. Now, all that tube has done for me is give me two more ectopics and the realization that surgery is necessary again anyway! Good luck to you and Ely on TTC again. Take Care, ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 29, 1999 Report Share Posted August 29, 1999 Hi ! I can't imagine going through this three times, but I guess I'm taking that chance by trying again. If it happened again, I think I'd probably call it a day. I finally got up the nerve to ask Ely that all-important question: " What if it turns out I can't have any more kids? " Of course, the unspoken question behind it was, Will you leave me if I can't give you a baby? He responded by reassuring me emphatically that we will have a baby (which kind of dodged the question but I didn't push it). Is anyone else dealing with these kinds of fears? (This is going to everybody, right?) Even though I'm normally a very secure person, and I have faith in Ely and our relationship, this experience is dredging up feelings of inadequacy that I didn't know I had. I'm not used to it, and I don't like it! I guess it's because reproductive problems strike at the heart of our feminine identities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 29, 1999 Report Share Posted August 29, 1999 , Good to " see " you here! I am so thankful that you have all joined this group. I hope that we all will be able to help each other, and those who come along later! I want to get some daily things going for the list, but am trying to wait until everyone else gets signed up! Egroups still has not corrected the listing problem. Ugh. If any of you have any suggestions as to what you would like to see on a daily basis (question of the day, new medical information, etc.), just let me know! Take care, Krista Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 29, 1999 Report Share Posted August 29, 1999 and : I know what you mean...for the longest time, I was so upset that my tube had been removed. Terrified of never getting pregnant again. Then, after doing all the research, I found that it was probably better that it had been. I don't know how I would get through another ectopic, and women who have amaze me. I have a lot of respect for them. Todd and I had the " what if " conversation. He reassured me that we would have child, too. I think that in Todd's case (and probably Ely's, too), he wanted me to be reassured. We have had the conversation since then, and he says that he didn't marry me to have children. We hope that we can have another child, but I think that our marriage would be okay (strained, yes) if that wasn't possible. Ugh. I don't want to think about it, though. I sometimes feel that I have failed at the one thing that ALL women should be able to do. Luckily, those feelings don't last long... Does that sound bitter, selfish, etc? Take care, Krista Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 30, 1999 Report Share Posted August 30, 1999 Don and I both have wanted children since we were children ourselves. It was never a matter of " IF " with us, but " WHEN " . Since my ectopic in November of last year, my confidence on this issue has been shattered. I feel like defective goods or something. Don is confident that we will have children, either our own or adopted. He won't even discuss the possibility that it will not happen for us. I do not share that feeling. Adoption is far too expensive for me to even dream about. I am going through some tests to determine exactly what hindrances, if any, there are to conceiving biological children, but after three years and two losses, I must admit I hold very little hope. Perhaps that is just to protect myself. I can't even bear the thought of losing another child, much less to an ectopic. Every month I am terrified that I will be pregnant and afraid I won't be at the same time. When AF comes I am disappointed, but it is no reassurance either, since I had a normal period while pregnant with my ectopic...and AF for me is heavy, long (6-7 days) and painful (cramps cramps cramps). It is like being on pins and needles all the time. I do not think for a minute that my husband will leave me if I am unable to give him a child, but I get so tired of everyone around me being so damn positive all the time. I wish, just once, that my feelings, the possibility that there will not be a happy ending for me, would be acknowledged. Some women feel like the subject of their " lost " children is taboo...for me the subject of the children I may never have is the thing I am not allowed to talk about. , Mother of two angel babies: born into Heaven 7/12/97 and 11/6/98 visit our memorial at http://members.tripod.com/don_n_bess/memorial.html Re: 's Intro > and : > > I know what you mean...for the longest time, I was so upset that my tube had > been removed. Terrified of never getting pregnant again. Then, after doing > all the research, I found that it was probably better that it had been. I > don't know how I would get through another ectopic, and women who have amaze > me. I have a lot of respect for them. > > Todd and I had the " what if " conversation. He reassured me that we would > have child, too. I think that in Todd's case (and probably Ely's, too), he > wanted me to be reassured. We have had the conversation since then, and he > says that he didn't marry me to have children. We hope that we can have > another child, but I think that our marriage would be okay (strained, yes) if > that wasn't possible. Ugh. I don't want to think about it, though. I > sometimes feel that I have failed at the one thing that ALL women should be > able to do. Luckily, those feelings don't last long... > > Does that sound bitter, selfish, etc? > > Take care, > > Krista > > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > eGroups.com home: /group/ectopicpregnancy > - Simplifying group communications > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 30, 1999 Report Share Posted August 30, 1999 In a message dated 8/30/99 11:39:50 AM Eastern Daylight Time, @... writes: << Some women feel like the subject of their " lost " children is taboo...for me the subject of the children I may never have is the thing I am not allowed to talk about. >> , I know exactly what you mean. I'm starting to sense a teensy bit of impatience or discomfort when I bring up my ectopic with my friends, so I haven't been bringing it up as much. And it hasn't even been two months yet! But, to be fair, people who haven't been through it just don't understand. It's one thing to have a miscarriage (that's bad enough), it's quite another to have the fear that your own growing child is a ticking time bomb inside your body. But we need to talk about it! We have to, in order to heal. That's what's so great about this group. This is an important outlet for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 1999 Report Share Posted September 1, 1999 dear elizabeth i have just read your letter on egroups and i felt i had to write to you as i have experienced alot of what you are feeling now. Just over a year ago i also suffered an ectopic pregnancy. My husband , Graham and I already had one child, a son then aged 2 and a half years old. We desperately wanted another, and since my pregnancy with our son was so straight foward and basically easy, we thought that when I get pregnant again, it would be the same. We both have some fertility issues, and we were warned with our son that it might take over a year to conceive.Lo and behold i fell pregnant on the first go.We did not however expect to be that lucky again, and that is why I did not think that I was pregnant( again on the first try.) It was a great shock to discover that it was an ectopic pregnancy.I suppose it is just one of those things that you never believe will happen to you. After the whole experience, I lost complete trust in myself. The one area of my life where I felt I had complete control over, and was very good at, was suddenly taken away without any notice or warning. I felt like there was nothing I was good at any more. I always trusted and understood my body so well, and now even that was gone. As a woman i felt useless.As a person, a failure. My husband took me away for a weekend without our son.We did nothing but talk,and risking offending someone, made love. It might sound strange, but what I got out of those few days was nothing but wonderfull. I suddenly realised that I was not put on this earth only to procreate, but to be a complete person.Not only a woman but a human being,that can do so much more than just create babies.I started concentrating on what I was good at like decorating, renovating, and realised that getting pregnant, and staying that way was a gift, a blessing given to us only when the time is right.Not something you can take for granted, or feel you have some womanly right to have.I think that these things happen to us so that at that time when we take for granted something that is nothing short of a miracle, we have to be reminded that not all is in our hands. After our failed pregnancy we also had a failed adoption. The baby assigned to us had severe medical complications, and because we did not apply in the Special needs category, he was taken away from us three months after placement.Once again we were shattered. We then gave up trying, and started concentrating on what we had. The freedom to enjoy a social life for the first time in years,each others company, and the realisation that we were lucky that one day, when we got our courage back and felt more confident, we can try again.But for now it is just the three of us, and I suppose that is a lot to be gratefull for. I know my story is different to yours, but what i wanted to say was remember that you are a wonderfull person, it sounds like you have a wonderfull husband and I am sure there are many other things that you are good at, so don't let this one area of failure, or rather misfortune make you lose sight of the rest of yourself. I know how scary it is not knowing if you will ever have a successfull pregnancy, but for now just know that you are a woman, a person, a wife,and you are not responsible for what happened, it was out of your control, but you have not lost yourself, you are still here, and capable of many wonderfull things. I hope that this has helped, and not upset you. please write to me if you want, I would love to talk. Sonja Kershaw sonja_kershaw@... > >Reply-To: ectopicpregnancyegroups >To: <ectopicpregnancyegroups> >Subject: Re: 's Intro >Date: Mon, 30 Aug 1999 11:29:34 -0400 > >Don and I both have wanted children since we were children ourselves. It >was never a matter of " IF " with us, but " WHEN " . Since my ectopic in >November of last year, my confidence on this issue has been shattered. I >feel like defective goods or something. Don is confident that we will have >children, either our own or adopted. He won't even discuss the possibility >that it will not happen for us. I do not share that feeling. Adoption is >far too expensive for me to even dream about. I am going through some >tests >to determine exactly what hindrances, if any, there are to conceiving >biological children, but after three years and two losses, I must admit I >hold very little hope. Perhaps that is just to protect myself. I can't >even bear the thought of losing another child, much less to an ectopic. >Every month I am terrified that I will be pregnant and afraid I won't be at >the same time. When AF comes I am disappointed, but it is no reassurance >either, since I had a normal period while pregnant with my ectopic...and AF >for me is heavy, long (6-7 days) and painful (cramps cramps cramps). It is >like being on pins and needles all the time. > >I do not think for a minute that my husband will leave me if I am unable to >give him a child, but I get so tired of everyone around me being so damn >positive all the time. I wish, just once, that my feelings, the >possibility >that there will not be a happy ending for me, would be acknowledged. Some >women feel like the subject of their " lost " children is taboo...for me the >subject of the children I may never have is the thing I am not allowed to >talk about. > > , >Mother of two angel babies: >born into Heaven 7/12/97 and 11/6/98 >visit our memorial at http://members.tripod.com/don_n_bess/memorial.html > Re: 's Intro > > > > and : > > > > I know what you mean...for the longest time, I was so upset that my tube >had > > been removed. Terrified of never getting pregnant again. Then, after >doing > > all the research, I found that it was probably better that it had been. >I > > don't know how I would get through another ectopic, and women who have >amaze > > me. I have a lot of respect for them. > > > > Todd and I had the " what if " conversation. He reassured me that we >would > > have child, too. I think that in Todd's case (and probably Ely's, too), >he > > wanted me to be reassured. We have had the conversation since then, and >he > > says that he didn't marry me to have children. We hope that we can have > > another child, but I think that our marriage would be okay (strained, >yes) >if > > that wasn't possible. Ugh. I don't want to think about it, though. I > > sometimes feel that I have failed at the one thing that ALL women should >be > > able to do. Luckily, those feelings don't last long... > > > > Does that sound bitter, selfish, etc? > > > > Take care, > > > > Krista > > > > > > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > > > eGroups.com home: /group/ectopicpregnancy > > - Simplifying group communications > > > > > > > > > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > >eGroups.com home: /group/ectopicpregnancy > - Simplifying group communications > > > > ______________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 1999 Report Share Posted September 1, 1999 Sonja, I agree with you that we have to remember that we do have worth in other areas! Although I desperately want to have a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby, I do see that I could be a whole person otherwise. That is not to say that I will give up any time soon. I look at it this way, when something like this happens, I have two choices: I can either wilt away and crumple in on myself, or learn and grow from the experience (and become a better person in the process). I will always love and miss Tucker, but what kind of legacy would he be if I lost sight of my importance? Not much. I am so sorry about the adoption. Do you mind if I ask what his medical problems were? If you can't talk about it, I understand. Sonja, you can always say anything that you like here. That is what this is all about, being able to express our feelings without fear of embarrassment or harassment! Take care, Krista Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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