Fence Sitters

[Guest guest]

Hi All

Someone recently posted abt fence sitters, portraying those

on the fringes of XA in rather a harsh light. Since I do

still go to OA meetings occasionally, then that makes me

a fence sitter I guess.

I have to admit to some recognitin of the portrayal of the

fence sitter as given; I guess I have often sought out

help, never really committed myself to the help I got, and

finally rejected or been rejected by one source, moved on

to another one.

I'm not alone in this however, and by no means the worst I

think. This kind of behavior is i think associated with

dependent or borderline personality disorder, where extreme

fear of abandonment predominates, but is coupled, at least

in the case of borderline, with a fear of being

overwhelmed: hence the classic 'I hate you - dont leave me'

position of the borderline sufferer.

However, I think such borderline trait behavior is also a

feature of chronic depression anyway. Any change, even for

the good, involves stress, and a depressed person is not

good at handling stress.

Firstly, altho the fence sitter can be annoying, I think

they (we?) deserve comappssion - they are suffering, amd

dont know what effect they have on others. also, if youre

smart you can get to spot them pretty quickly and defend

yourself against being too drawn in.

Also, i think a certain amount of fence sitting can be

justified. I am amazed at the paradox that XA is. Does it

really help or doesnt it? I think the truth is very

complex and varies a great deal for different ppl.

Very probably, some ppl become abstinent who would have

found it difficult to do so without the support and some

theory (however odd) to cling on to. also, possibly many

ppl are probably best not returning to alcohol again - or

at least, not for a long time, and then reintroducing it

carefully.

what of the long term however? Probably some ppl are held

back by it, becoming obsessional and 'addicted' to it. Some

ppl may fall foul of its self-denigratory philosophy.

Proably those who were already religious, and dont feel it

offends their religious beliefs, can do pretty well in XA.

but others?

The belief in 'powerlessness' and the process of inventory

etc is likely to create depression imo. Those ppl with

depression might be advised to avoid it - but problem

drinkers often have depression.

Claims that XA was either influenced by, or influenced

classic CBT are BS. However, there can be *some* apparent

similarity if the religious aspect of XA is dropped. A

particualr form of CBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

(DBT) does have aspects which are remarkably similar to

some XA ideas, and I expect actually may have been

influenced by them - such as Radical Acceptance, whiuch is

similar to XA Acceptance except there is no invocation of

God.

Modern XAs often claim 'anything can be your Higher Power'

- and certainly rehab therapists almost always do. as

I have written before, this actually *proves* that the HP

is a placebo effect. why then, does it apparently work,

at least initially for some ppl, to not only help ppl stop

drinking, but also tackle their life difficulties?

I think the answer is that, when it *does* work

succesfully, it is because it encourages ppl to do things

that made sense anyway; to behave *rationally*, one might

say. The 'powerless' notion serves merely to help a person

avoid any drinking and also not beat themselves up for

their problem drinking in the past. It help relieves them

of the burden of fear of overcoming the disorder and allows

ppl to *feel* powerless without guilt. this is very

dangerous territory of course, and could easily produce

very negative emotions and self-destructive behavior as

well as drinking; hence this is why this is probably *not*

a good method to achieve these aims. The 'Higher Power'

idea helps ppl to approach the future and their problems

with confidence. again, this a process fraught with

difficulties, not least it may be offensive not only to

atheists and agnostics but also ppl with existing religious

beliefs. Altho I think the idea that healthy attitudes are

always a matter of thinking 'rationally' is not always

helpful (ppl are not rational beings) then clearly it would

seem that the way forward is to acknowledge that there is

not reason to be totally pessimistic abt the future and

one's problems; it is possible to beat an addiction and

overcome other troubles too. Rather than urging ppl to

totally throw themselves on God's protection, it might be

rather better to encourage ppl to throw themselves into

healthy, positive behavior and as much positive thinking as

they can manage .

The process of regular inventory and confession, and

amends (steps 4 through 10) when they work well are abt

sharing yourself openly and honestly with other ppl,

letting ppl get to know why you are, and letting them love

you and accept you. The amends are also abt taking

responsibility for one's actions and how they ffect others.

Again, I emphasise this is when they work well. Too often

of course, they become a system of masochistic guilt-trips.

These steps are good for sociopaths, but not for

borderlines and depressives who are usually overcome with

shame and guilt anyway. Simply emphasising the importance

and benefit of being caring to others, and to sharing love,

is what these ppl need, and the belief that if they give

love it will be returned eventually, possibly quicker than

they think.

Prayer and meditation?

quiet reflection may help decide positive, social behavior

that is one's own and other's interest. however, one

ultimately lives life for oneself , not others. To Thine

Own Self be True is a slogan that could be heard more

*often* in XA with benefit, imo. Self, not God, however one

understands 'Him'. Happy, fulfilled ppl who meet their own

needs are better able to give love and help to others.

Helping others is a good idea, though that neednt be ppl

with a problem that one once had oneself by encouraging the

same method - especially to the exclusion of everyone else

and their problems.

So, shoot me down off the fence if you have a mind to.

Pete

------------------------------------------------------------------------