Re: GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE <fwd>

[Guest guest]

Hi Pumpkin Eater, Everyone

This is neat! Thanks. I'm going to remove the names to protect the

innocent and post it on araa for fun.

Thanks

Hi All

I got this off another list from a Mormon Church member who

is having something of a " spiritual crisis " . It's straight

up (unamended by me) and I think should be included in AA's

triennial surveys, with just a little adaptation. Note

second entry under " Miracles " :

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better

serve

your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following

questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential,

and

that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct

response

to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

__ Newspaper __ Other Book

__ Television __ Divine Inspiration

__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience

__ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery

__ Bible __ Other

__ Torah (specify): _____________

2. Which model God did you acquire?

__ Yaweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet

__ Jehovah __ Jesus

__ Allah __ Satan

__ God __ None of the above, I was taken

__ G_d in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working

order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered

here:

____

4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?

Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live

__ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in who to

despise

__ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself

__ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of death

__ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work

__ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music

__ Need to feel Morally Superior __ My shrubbery caught fire and

told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? Is so, which false god

were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

__ Odin __ Cthulhu

__ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar

__ Appolo __ Left Wing Liberalism

__ Ra __ Barney T.B.P.D.

__ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin

__ The Sun __ Bill Clinton

__ The Moon __ A burning cabbage

__ The Bomb __ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in

addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot __ Lottery

__ Astrology __ Television

__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers

__ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics

__ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl

__ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll

__ Biorythms __ Bill Clinton

__ Tea Leaves __ EST

__ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert

__ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice

__ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert

__ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery

__ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other: _____________________

__ Barney Fife __ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve

the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would

you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention

b. Less Divine Intervention

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and

miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the

following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters

flood 1 2 3 4 5

famine 1 2 3 4 5

earthquake 1 2 3 4 5

war 1 2 3 4 5

pestilence 1 2 3 4 5

plague 1 2 3 4 5

SPAM 1 2 3 4 5

AOL 1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles

rescues 1 2 3 4 5

spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5

stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5

crying statues 1 2 3 4 5

water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5

walking on water (other 1 2 3 4 5

than the Hudson)

talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5

VCRs that set their own 1 2 3 4 5

clocks

Sadam Husein still alive 1 2 3 4 5

Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5

Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving

the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if

necessary):

P.

----------------------

Pumpkin Eater

" Facts are stubborn things "

-- Judge Zobel, from Alain Rene Lesage

[no, I didnt know who he was either]

PERSONALITY-DISORDERS LIST:

http://rdz.stjohns.edu/athenaeum/lists.phtml?personality-disorders

_____________________

" At the Master's table,

They gather for the Feast;

They stab It with their steely knives

But they just cant kill The Beast. "

-- The Eagles

--- End Forwarded Message ---

P.

----------------------

Pumpkin Eater

" Facts are stubborn things "

-- Judge Zobel, from Alain Rene Lesage

[no, I didnt know who he was either]

PERSONALITY-DISORDERS LIST:

http://rdz.stjohns.edu/athenaeum/lists.phtml?personality-disorders

_____________________

" At the Master's table,

They gather for the Feast;

They stab It with their steely knives

But they just cant kill The Beast. "

-- The Eagles

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