Re: Jacquie's open letter to the universe

April 12, 2002

I'm crying with you, Jacquie Why is the world so damn cruel....

(in Ohio)

April 12, 2002

Oh Jacquie-

sorry for your crappy situation here.

I really can't believe that Austin's Mom didn't invite . She is just

rude. How could she invite some of the kids in the class and not all-

especially when they are friends.

What was she thinking?

My son is only 2.5 and gets invited to the standard parties (neighbors and

relatives) and the one's he doesn't get invited to are " just because " not

because he's autistic. I hope i don't have to face the same thing as you in

5 years. But, i suspect I will- and will- and for the rest of our

lives. I try not to think of it- but sometimes i think " will he ever go to

the prom? " etc... but, you know what?- *I* didn't even go to my Prom-

WHO CARES? There are plenty of kids who don't get invited to parties and to

proms to on dates, etc.... And the smarter, prettier, richer people in the

world have more advantages- that's the way it has always worked. Everyone

has their place in the world. Be it President of the United States or the

guy who picks up the garbage.....

We all must live by the idea that is someone doesn't want to be our friend,

or boy/girlfriend or husband/wife, etc- it is THEIR LOSS!

I hope you find some great kids out there to be your son's friend and he

sounds so loving and frienldy- i'm sure they will come- just be patient and

positive- good luck-

April 12, 2002

Oh, Jacquie. I am sorry. Anything I could possibly say seems pretty

inadequate. Just one possibility? I really guess I can see how it could

have happened without ill feeling towards . You see, I let Sophie draw

up her party lists and she has occasionally forgotten some friend and made

me send out an invitation a few days later. I would guess that there are

also friends who she forgets as we do those invitations in a very haphazard

way.

It's not nice to think you are forgotten either, I know, but it isn't quite

as bad as being deliberately left out?

Salli

April 12, 2002

Jacquie,

I am so sorry for you. Greggory has only been invited to 1

birthday party I think. It was when he was 4 yrs old. A little girl

on his soccer team invited the whole team. We were ok friends with

her father, but other than that not another party. That has been

almost 2 yrs now. I am sure there have been other parties and I dont

know exactly why he wasnt invited to them. Greggory thinks everyonhe

is his friend. he likes everyone! I have no idea how to explain to

him that this is just not true. There are people who just dont like

him, for whatever reason. I didnt invite all of Greggory's classmates

to his birthday party and at that only 2 boys showed up. But there

were his real friends anyway. I choose not to invite a boy because I

dont like that way he treats Greggory even though Greggory thinks he

is his friend and seems to like this boy anyway. I think when you

have a child whose main problem is the social part of it and they

really want friends it becomes a whole new challenge. It is sad to

see them rejected but that is just the way it is. It would be nice if

parents were more understanding but that isnt always the case. Maybe

if he goes to another school next year he might find a real friend.

Jacquie H

> Dear Horrible Reality That I Inhabit:

>

> You really socked it to me today, didn't ya? Got me right in the

kisser when I wasn't looking.

>

> I guess I've been handling this whole autism thing you handed me a

little too well lately -- I can't think of any other reason you'd

throw such a cruel twist into my life.

>

> I have to admit, though, that your timing couldn't have been

better. On my period, on a grey rainy day when the edges of

depression were closing in. Nice touch.

>

> I was already feeling sad when I went to pick up at school.

It was just 'one of those days'. Of course, when his teacher

reported he hadn't hit a single person today, I was overjoyed! (nice

touch, again -- setting me up for the fall)

>

> And then, as we neared the car, you swung your diabolical plan into

action. " See you Saturday?! " called Dale's mom. Of course, taking

the bait, I turned back: " What's on Saturday? " " Oh, " said your

minion, realizing she'd been a pawn in your nasty little Jacquie

takedown, " ummmm....oh, well..... " I walked away.

>

> Along came another mom, one I trust, one who doesn't seem to play

your games. " So Debbie, " I said, " tell me what we haven't been

invited to on Saturday. " " Austin's birthday party, " she replied,

having the good grace to look ashamed on behalf of Austin's mother.

>

> Universe, don't you KNOW that calls Austin his FRIEND????

That really really LIKES Austin?

>

> Well, all the suspected univited parties have now been confirmed.

>

> I managed, although you didn't think I could,to NOT cry until we

were home and was upstairs. Then, admittedly, I lost it, not

even allowing my husband to touch me for fear the contact would send

me over the edge into hysteria.

>

> If you had given me an autistic child who didn't give a crap about

other kids, this wouldn't hurt me so badly. But you gave me an

autistic child who, paradoxically, LOVES people and WANTS to have

friends. The key to this is social skills, I know. He needs more

social skills in order to have friends. But how will he learn social

skills with no friends to learn them from?

>

> Have you given me a child who wants so badly to have people be with

him, and about whom " 's your boyfriend! " will be a playground

taunt? Have you given me a child with such a capacity to love, but

who may never be loved? A child who never judges, but who will

always BE judged? A child who wants so badly to be included in

things, but who will always be overlooked and pushed to the sidelines?

>

> What the HELL did he ever do to YOU???????

>

> Jacquie

>

April 12, 2002

Jacquie,

Oh my, I'm so sorry about this. Oh how I understand the day you were having

before this hit... I wish I had here, near my boys where we could all

be together and love each other unconditionally... Oh we have been where

and you were put today. The hurt to the parent I think is sometimes

worse then the child.

Jacquie, you hang in there mom.. All your love for is what will help

him. You are the most important person to him.\

Oh if you need anything let me know. I was crying reading this and will

not go back up to my room to lay on my left side and wish children were less

cruel....

Love

_________________________________________________________________

Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp.

April 12, 2002

>> If you had given me an autistic child who didn't give a crap about

other kids, this wouldn't hurt me so badly. But you gave me an

autistic child who, paradoxically, LOVES people and WANTS to have

friends. The key to this is social skills, I know. He needs more

social skills in order to have friends. But how will he learn social

skills with no friends to learn them from?>>

Jacquie,

Many schools have " friendshipping " programs for children who lack the

social skills to make friends...a small circle of children who work

together with a speech path or psychology person to teach the child

in need appropriate ways of interacting with others during meals,

ways to become involved with group activities during recess or free

time, and ways to express feelings appropriately when upset. Is that

a possibility for ? I know you are not keen on " pretend "

friendships, but this is actually a type of therapy...helping him

gain skills he needs to function well in all of life. And, as you

are hoping to get him into a different school next year...maybe this

is a question to ask them when you consider where to go?

> Have you given me a child who wants so badly to have people be with

him, and about whom " 's your boyfriend! " will be a playground

taunt? Have you given me a child with such a capacity to love, but

who may never be loved? A child who never judges, but who will

always BE judged? A child who wants so badly to be included in

things, but who will always be overlooked and pushed to the sidelines?

For whatever it's worth, many, many NT kids go through this same

torment every day...sweet kids who for whatever reason just don't fit

in with the others...I don't know what the answer is---well I do, but

I don't see it as a " school " issue...I think it's inside of people.

At the risk of offending you, I will say that I also firmly believe

that the Lord does not put us in situations to hurt us or

others...and if He has placed in your care, it is because you

are the person who can best help him in life. It's obvious that you

love him fiercely, and there is nothing a child needs more in this

world than to know that their parents love them...that they are

unconditionally acceptable to the people who know them best. is

truly blessed---and he is a blessing to you, because he brings out

wonderful strength and deep, deep emotions of love, compassion and

empathy. You understand him, you feel his joys and sorrows...and it

changes your view of what is important in life.

I look at sometimes and wonder where the fairness of it all

is...his former OT called not long ago to talk, and she told me that

he has always had a special place in her heart because it is so clear

how very much he wants to be a part of this world around him, but he

just can't tolerate it...so sad to watch. But I still feel that

there is a reason to it all---so many things he has taught so many

people. And I believe the scriptures that say that these " little

ones " are precious to God in a special way---that doing either harm

or good to them is the same as doing those things to Him. They are

almost " angels " in our midst...an opportunity to serve in a way that

few people ever experience. I would love to have get

better...to be able to do so many things that he can't right

now...but I wouldn't trade what I have learned from his struggles for

anything.

Raena

April 12, 2002

Oh, Jacquie, You made me cry, too. But have faith in the universe,

God, fate, whatever...there are people out there who will renew your

faith in humanity. It wasn't the little boy's fault, it was probably

his ignorant mother. The type that thinks her kid will get autism by

hanging out with one of our kids. It breaks your heart for our kids,

but they are too naive, sweet and trusting to be exposed to people

like her! You don't want him there, really! And there will be kids

and parents who will treat him with respect and love and forgive all

of the little quirky things he does, just like you and his dad do. I

am amazed every day how many perfect strangers like and talk to to my

son even when he's stimming out and talking to himself. Most people

and nearly all kids are basically good, and if they are not, who

needs em? Maybe a new school with new kids will help, it made a

world of difference in my son's life. Just keep plugging away there

and know that there are people who will love and appreciate him just

like you do. Leggs

April 12, 2002

I don't think it's the kids who are cruel in 's

class..I think it's the parents..what a nasty, self

centered bunch of jerks.

Mimi

--- Rajnert wrote:

> Jacquie,

>

> Oh my, I'm so sorry about this. Oh how I understand

> the day you were having

> before this hit... I wish I had here, near my

> boys where we could all

> be together and love each other unconditionally...

> Oh we have been where

> and you were put today. The hurt to the parent

> I think is sometimes

> worse then the child.

> Jacquie, you hang in there mom.. All your love for

> is what will help

> him. You are the most important person to him.\

> Oh if you need anything let me know. I was crying

> reading this and will

> not go back up to my room to lay on my left side and

> wish children were less

> cruel....

>

> Love

>

_________________________________________________________________

> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at

> http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp.

>

__________________________________________________

April 12, 2002

> Have you given me a child who wants so badly to have people be with him,

and about whom " 's your boyfriend! " will be a playground taunt? Have

you given me a child with such a capacity to love, but who may never be

loved? A child who never judges, but who will always BE judged? A child

who wants so badly to be included in things, but who will always be

overlooked and pushed to the sidelines?

>

> What the HELL did he ever do to YOU???????

Jacquie, this is just bad parenting. Even children have more grace than

this, and if they don't, the parents are the ones who should be teaching

them this. It's okay to hope so and so doesn't come to some party, but to

flat out not tell your child that regardless of reason, you MUST invite him

if the whole class is invited - - - - well, that's just bad parenting. I

may not want someone's child to come, but if the class is invited to my

child's birthday party, that child WILL get an invitation, and my child will

be giving that child an invitation or else he gets no party.

Having a child with autism can sometimes be embarrassing, and in this case,

it hurts like a bitch.

But truth be told, in this particular scenario, I would be much prouder to

be you than to be any single one of them. What losers. What heartless

losers.

And I hope they get a taste of their own medicine soon. In fact, I am sure

they will, one day.

Even if it is because their child grows up to be a bigoted, prejudicial,

unaccepting FOOL in jail.

It's not the universe's fault. It's not anyone's fault.

It's just a way of confirming that the world is going down the drain because

with every generation, we become more and more shallow, and lose sight of

what life is all about.

Good for you for knowing life, living it, and loving it the way it should

be.

And damn them all, the m*ther-f^^^#$cking sh*tssuc*king LOSERS that they

are. Shame on them!!!!!

Grace

April 12, 2002

I think that's a very good idea. And even if it doesn't get through to Austin's

mother, and you have done a very sweet thing by remembering 's friend

on his birthday. Maybe Austin will remember it, even if his mother doesn't.

B

Re: Jacquie's open letter to the universe

> And I hope they get a taste of their own medicine soon. In fact, I am

sure

> they will, one day.

> Even if it is because their child grows up to be a bigoted, prejudicial,

> unaccepting FOOL in jail.

I am fixated on a very graceful revenge which Marc is trying to talk me out

of.

Knowing that considers Austin his " friend " , I want to buy Austin a

birthday card, a nice cute one, and have sign it and give it to him on

Monday. Just that. No catty remarks, no digs...just a nice card from a

sweet kid who found out it was his birthday.

This is calculated to inspire a guilty feeling in the mother.

Marc says I should absolutely NOT do this. But *I* say it's about time

SOMEONE was held accountable for their actions. It has to start SOMEWHERE.

Right now they're all safe and comfortable in the denial of the unknown, and

ignorant of the pain they are causing someone else. But if Austin's mother

could have a second thought, maybe she would share that second thought with

someone ELSE who might have a second thought and then maybe share it with

someone ELSE.

It has to start somewhere.

Marc says I shouldn't do this because it won't do any good. But

damnit, I am TIRED of just feeling victimized by people too lazy or afraid

or BLIND to consider this child and what it feels like to be HIM!

It might not change anything at all. But just doing it would make me feel a

lot less like a victim.

Jacquie

April 12, 2002

> And I hope they get a taste of their own medicine soon. In fact, I am

sure

> they will, one day.

> Even if it is because their child grows up to be a bigoted, prejudicial,

> unaccepting FOOL in jail.

I am fixated on a very graceful revenge which Marc is trying to talk me out

of.

Knowing that considers Austin his " friend " , I want to buy Austin a

birthday card, a nice cute one, and have sign it and give it to him on

Monday. Just that. No catty remarks, no digs...just a nice card from a

sweet kid who found out it was his birthday.

This is calculated to inspire a guilty feeling in the mother.

Marc says I should absolutely NOT do this. But *I* say it's about time

SOMEONE was held accountable for their actions. It has to start SOMEWHERE.

Right now they're all safe and comfortable in the denial of the unknown, and

ignorant of the pain they are causing someone else. But if Austin's mother

could have a second thought, maybe she would share that second thought with

someone ELSE who might have a second thought and then maybe share it with

someone ELSE.

It has to start somewhere.

Marc says I shouldn't do this because it won't do any good. But

damnit, I am TIRED of just feeling victimized by people too lazy or afraid

or BLIND to consider this child and what it feels like to be HIM!

It might not change anything at all. But just doing it would make me feel a

lot less like a victim.

Jacquie

April 13, 2002

Ouch!

April 13, 2002

In a message dated 4/12/02 5:59:17 PM Eastern Daylight Time, vhunnius@...

writes:

Jacquie

I will be free today. Just send me Austins address. I'll go over there on

your behave and ruin his party by KICKING his mom's ASS. I hope this makes

you feel a little better.

Now I don't want you to worry about all these OTHER mother's. I want you to

try and be friends with ONE mother of a child that likes. How about

Dale's mother? No, she did not say this to hurt you. It probably seems this

way because it does hurt. I want you to make an effort to put this out on

the table. The next time you see her simply say the truth. You know that my

son is special. Just because we are different doesn't mean that we don't

have feelings. This could have happened to ANY of the other mothers ... but

it happened to me. Since you are the LUCKY ones maybe you should show some

compassion to someone was loves their child just the same as you do. I'm not

expecting a captain or the football team or class valedictorian. I don't

have the same dreams that you have. All I want is exceptance for my son.

Please think about this.

Hope this helps. You and will always have two friends here in PA.

G

April 13, 2002

In a message dated 4/13/02 1:00:08 AM Eastern Daylight Time, vhunnius@...

writes:

> " , I want to buy Austin a birthday card, a nice cute one, and have sign

> it and give it to him on Monday.

Dear Abby couldn't have given a better answer

G

April 13, 2002

>>> Jacquie I don't see anything wrong with this... <<<

I agree. Austin gets a card. feels good giving him

something. Austin's mother gets a bitch-slap upside the

head.

Oh. Did I say that out loud? Wishful thinking.

in Sydney, Australia

Mum to , 6yo AS ADHD, and , 5yo mild hearing

loss

April 13, 2002

I'm not sure. Encouraging to acknowledge a friend's birthday sounds good,

but if he then finds out he's not invited to the party, that may hurt his

feelings.

I'm reminded of a quote by W.C. Fields " Don't cry over spilt milk, it might be

poisoned. " If were to go to a party held by this ignorant woman, it could

do him more harm than good. I also think it's unlikey that giving a b-day card

is going to change the mind of someone like this.

TunaGet more from the Web. FREE MSN Explorer download : http://explorer.msn.com

April 13, 2002

Jacquie

I don't see anything wrong with this...if it only makes the woman think for a

moment, it will be worth doing and who knows, Austin may be really glad to

receive it and take more time to get to know as a result...

(inAus)

Subject: Re: Jacquie's open letter to the universe

I am fixated on a very graceful revenge which Marc is trying to talk me out

of.

Knowing that considers Austin his " friend " , I want to buy Austin a

birthday card, a nice cute one, and have sign it and give it to him on

Monday. Just that. No catty remarks, no digs...just a nice card from a

sweet kid who found out it was his birthday.

This is calculated to inspire a guilty feeling in the mother.

Marc says I should absolutely NOT do this. But *I* say it's about time

SOMEONE was held accountable for their actions. It has to start SOMEWHERE.

Right now they're all safe and comfortable in the denial of the unknown, and

ignorant of the pain they are causing someone else. But if Austin's mother

could have a second thought, maybe she would share that second thought with

someone ELSE who might have a second thought and then maybe share it with

someone ELSE.

It has to start somewhere.

Marc says I shouldn't do this because it won't do any good. But

damnit, I am TIRED of just feeling victimized by people too lazy or afraid

or BLIND to consider this child and what it feels like to be HIM!

It might not change anything at all. But just doing it would make me feel a

lot less like a victim.

Jacquie

April 13, 2002

Jacquie

I cried while reading your post. I can empathise with the pain you must have

been feeling while writing this. Your words show just how much love you have for

and all I can say is he is one lucky boy. We all want the absolute best for

our children and that does include friends and a social life even though we know

these may be their biggest stumbling blocks. Keep up the good work of being the

best mother could have (don't forget he told you that himself) and try not

to let people like these ignorant fools spoil your day...as hard as that can

often be...

( ( ( ( ( ( Jacquie) ) ) ) ) ) & ( ( ( ( ( ( ) ) ) ) ) )

(inAus)

Jacquie's open letter to the universe

Dear Horrible Reality That I Inhabit:

You really socked it to me today, didn't ya? Got me right in the kisser when

I wasn't looking.

April 13, 2002

>> Not our school. Our school SUCKS.>>

Are you still thinking of trying to get him into a different school

next year? Honestly, if you truly think the parents at this place

are fairly hopeless in terms of compassion and

understanding...sometimes all you can do is open up another option.

>At the risk of offending you right back, I just can't

> believe this. Not because I doubt any of it on a theological

level, but

> because I just do not believe in god. To me, the universe is

completely random, with no rhyme or reason.>

I don't offend real easy...one of the most important things about

life to me was figuring out that to understand and respect other

people, you have to understand and respect what they believe...no one

can dictate to another what is " right " , because it's just too

personal...everyone has to find that themselves, on their own terms,

I think. Most faiths have more in common than people realize...and

most folks are looking for pretty much the same thing. :-)

I will say that the reason I can't believe in nothing is because of

things like simple laws of physics. Take inertia...NOTHING moves

until an outside force is applied to it...so in my mind, something or

someone had to apply some force to start that first little

atom/electron/particle moving...people can debate about what that

something was, but I can't see debating about the need for it to

exist. But that's just how I see it; others have very different

views.

> But there are so many things I want to give back to him --

confidence,

> independance, contentment, self-esteem -- that I am so afraid I

just can't

> pass to him. I am afraid sometimes that I am just not up to the

task.

Jacquie, from what I have seen, you are more than up to the task.

Don't sell yourself short...you are nothing short of amazing.

Raena

April 13, 2002

> I am fixated on a very graceful revenge which Marc is trying to talk me

out

> of.

>

> Knowing that considers Austin his " friend " , I want to buy Austin a

> birthday card, a nice cute one, and have sign it and give it to him

on

> Monday. Just that. No catty remarks, no digs...just a nice card from a

> sweet kid who found out it was his birthday. <snip>

> This is calculated to inspire a guilty feeling in the mother.

> Marc says I shouldn't do this because it won't do any good. But

> damnit, I am TIRED of just feeling victimized by people too lazy or afraid

> or BLIND to consider this child and what it feels like to be HIM!

> It might not change anything at all. But just doing it would make me feel

a

> lot less like a victim.

>

I still say I disagree with Marc about Kara. I think he was wrong to stop

you from taking a stand.

That said - in this case, I agree with him.

First off, it makes you look ridiculous because the recipient is obviously

incapable of kindness or reason. The kind of parent you are dealing with is

not someone who can be so easily swayed into feeling bad, or feeling

compassion or regret - - or particularly GUILT. The kind you are dealing

with is an ignorant and shallow person who did what she felt was RIGHT and

GOOD " I don't like that mother, and I don't like that son. " IF that card

were to be taken home and shown to his mother, I'm sure she would just

guffaw, and think, " What a pathetic woman.... she's obviously begging to be

invited to MY party next year! " Whatever!

Secondly, in effect, you're using as a means to an end, and an end

which more than likely will not be what you had intended. may never

find out about the party, but if this Austin doesn't accept the card as the

good deed intends for it to be, 's feelings might get hurt. If all

goes well, may really believe this is his good friend, only to find out

later in August that this is one boy who will not be attending his b-day

party.

You may feel victimized, but fortunately, your son doesn't feel that way.

If you were to walk up to them and have it out - - I'd say fine. But don't

make a point through . No need to make him realize or see what can only

hurt him, come the day he realizes it.

ly.... in my opinion, it's a done deal, and the party has happened or

is happening right now.

JMO - - I hope this doesn't make you mad. I just don't think this is a good

idea, although I DO understand why you would want to do this.

Grace

April 13, 2002

Jacquie, I think that's a great idea. Austin will probably be thrilled to get a

birthday card. Maybe he'll want to give something. Kids are cruel at that

age, but they're very accepting of differences also. Hopefully, it'll cause the

mother to rethink and be more accepting also.

Janae

, 9, ADD

Jake, 6, autism

April 13, 2002

You know, I hadn't thought of it from that point of view, but you're absolutely

right. I was so busy being hurt and angry for Jacquie that I forgot the point

of the non-invite -- .

Jacquie, listen to this woman.