Guest guest Posted November 12, 1999 Report Share Posted November 12, 1999 Dear , PLEASE don't feel guilty about not having the same feelings that some here do. The first time this happended to me, I was emotionally wrecked. I was in such a state of grief that I wasn't sure I'd ever recover. My blow, too, was lessened by the fact that I had a 2 yr old daughter to come home to, but the pain was still there. The second time I suffered a pregnancy loss was different. I felt more *detached*. Like I had NO hope whatsoever that it was going to be alright. I felt that if I was not hopeful or optimistic, then I wouldn't be hurt. I am ashamed to admit, but each time I have a loss, I am less affected by it. Not to say I don't mourn the loss and feel sorry for myself (yes, I do go through the self-pity thing). I just get more resolved to the fact that I may never have another child and maybe I should just count my blessings and thank God that I have my daughter. Why do I feel I HAVE to have another child? Olivia can be an only child, there are worse things. It is though, this nagging ache in my heart that still wants. I can't stop it. I think that maybe one day, if it doesn't happen for me, I'll have to resolve myself to the fact that I need to accept my luck. Until that point, I will keep trying or atleast thinking about that baby that I want so badly! Now, that is some endless rambling... I apologize for the poor grammar, however it is 12am!!! Take Care, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 15, 1999 Report Share Posted November 15, 1999 tracey I don't think that there is anything wrong with the way you feel. I have only had one loss (ep. last year June) and I didn't know that I was pg. so for me it was a big shock. I found out I was pg., and had surgery 30 later, almost lost my own life. I still cry often for that baby, but I also feel now that we are ttc. that if it did happen again, I would be emotionally more equipped to handle it, I'm not saying that I won't be sad, but I think that you do find ways to protect yourself against that kind of grief, so I think that how you feel is entirely normal. I know that I could have another ep. so I'm prepared for that, it won't be a shock next time, and I'm not letting myself become so fulnerable again. DON'T feel guilty, there is nothing wrong with your emotions. I hope this helps you. take care sonja Just thinking... Hi all... As I sit here and read all the emails, I tend to wonder if there is something wrong with me. Let me explain. When I was in the ER and was sure I had a e/p, I occasionally asked for something for the pain. I understood that I had to wait, no problem. I started to feel guilty about trying to get rid of the pain. The pain was my baby in the wrong place. Right before surgery, I almost welcomed the pain because that was the last time I would ever feel our baby. I felt guilty that I enjoyed the general anesthesia. I wanted to wake up and make this all go away. Again, the guilt. I had surgery on a Friday (about three and a half hours from home) and went home on that next Monday. I was okay, emotionally, but still felt guilty over not being more distressed. When my dh (someone explain exactly what that stands for?) left for work that night, I let all my emotions come out. I cried and said good-bye to our baby. The only other time I came close to crying again was when my Mom told me that she and my Dad had went to the store and purchased an angel statue holding a baby. She said that was for the baby. I almost lost it. After that, I could talk about it for the most part and be fine. I think about our baby every day since it happened. I will always think about that. Sometimes it all seems like a dream. When I went to the doctor when I found out through a HPT (it was barely showing) we were so excited. We couldn't wait to tell our parents. I was still leery of saying anything because I might " jinx " something. I know that's not true but... I wonder why I am able to talk freely about what happened. I see other people here that are still very upset about their e/ps and wonder what's wrong with me? I do thank God that we had a two year old girl to come home to. That lessened the blow, somewhat. Sorry for rambling but I've wanted to tell you all this for a long time. I want to talk about it with someone and you all here are just what I needed. Please don't think I'm cold-hearted, because I'm not. I'm hoping I just handle grief in a different way. Thanks again for putting up with my rambling and poor composition! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A shopper’s dream come true! Find practically anything on earth at eBay! Come and browse the more than 2 million items up for bid at any time. You never know what you might find at eBay! http://clickhere./click/1140 -- Check out your group's private Chat room -- /ChatPage?listName=ectopicpregnancy & m=1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 15, 1999 Report Share Posted November 15, 1999 Hi Sonja, This is a good suggestion: I am TTC too. I am due for AF tomorrow. Does this make me #3? Joanne > >Reply-To: ectopicpregnancyegroups >To: " 'ectopicpregnancyegroups' " <ectopicpregnancyegroups> >Subject: Re: Just thinking... >Date: Mon, 15 Nov 1999 17:01:01 +0200 > >Hi Tara > >I just had a thought, we should actually officially find out who is all >ttc. right now. I know that you are ttc. but I have no idea who else. It >would be nice to know who of us are in the same boat right now, that way >we can be of more support to each other. IF we know expected ov. dates >etc. we can send good luck emails and stuff at the right time. Don't you >think? We can sort of post our cycle dates, that way we know who we >share dates with, and who can expect AF when, so if she does come, we >will be there, and we won't have to post these long stories each month >it doesn't work. The other thing that would be interesting would be to >find out in which order we all joined. I think someone mentioned it >before, but now we have Krista pg. and pg. (in the right >order) so it would be nice to try figure who's next. > >anyway, just ideas >scroll please > > > > > > > > > > > > > >this is my cycle at the moment: day one was Nov.14 (AF official arrival) >so I'm now day2. ovulation expected on day 14 which will be Nov. 27. >next AF due Dec. 11th. So lets here it for cycle ttc.#2!!!!!! > >take care >sonja > > Re: Just thinking... > >Dear , > >PLEASE don't feel guilty about not having the same feelings that some >here >do. The first time this happended to me, I was emotionally wrecked. I >was >in >such a state of >grief that I wasn't sure I'd ever recover. My blow, too, was lessened >by >the >fact that I >had a 2 yr old daughter to come home to, but the pain was still there. > >The second time I suffered a pregnancy loss was different. I felt more >*detached*. Like I had NO hope whatsoever that it was going to be >alright. >I felt that if I was not hopeful or optimistic, then I wouldn't be hurt. > >I am ashamed to admit, but each time I have a loss, I am less affected >by >it. > Not to say I don't mourn the loss and feel sorry for myself (yes, I do >go >through the self-pity thing). I just get more resolved to the fact that >I >may >never have another child and maybe I should just count my blessings and >thank >God that I have my daughter. >Why do I feel I HAVE to have another child? Olivia can be an only >child, >there are worse things. It is though, this nagging ache in my heart >that >still wants. I can't stop it. I think that maybe one day, if it >doesn't >happen for me, I'll have to resolve myself to the fact that I need to >accept >my luck. Until that point, I will keep trying or atleast thinking about > >that >baby that I want so badly! > >Now, that is some endless rambling... I apologize for the poor grammar, >however it is >12am!!! > >Take Care, > > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >A shopper's dream come true! Find practically anything on earth at eBay! >Come and browse the more than 2 million items up for bid at any time. >You never know what you might find at eBay! >http://clickhere./click/1140 > >-- Easily schedule meetings and events using the group calendar! >-- /cal?listname=ectopicpregnancy & m=1 > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >A shopper’s dream come true! Find practically anything on earth at eBay! >Come and browse the more than 2 million items up for bid at any time. >You never know what you might find at eBay! >http://clickhere./click/1140 > >-- Talk to your group with your own voice! >-- /VoiceChatPage?listName=ectopicpregnancy & m=1 > > > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ >A shopper’s dream come true! Find practically anything on earth at eBay! >Come and browse the more than 2 million items up for bid at any time. >You never know what you might find at eBay! >http://clickhere./click/1140 > >eGroups.com Home: /group/ectopicpregnancy/ > - Simplifying group communications > > ______________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 15, 1999 Report Share Posted November 15, 1999 Hi and , I have to admit that when my ectopic first happened, the emotions of it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I was a basket case for awhile there, but I do believe the physical elements of the surgery added to my emotional state and depression to some degree. I also had suffered a miscarriage about a year before the ectopic, which I seemed to get over very quickly...emotions from that surfaced again as well, so I had a lot on me all at once. I was bound and determined though that this was not going to keep me an a state of turmoil forever, so I forced myself to deal with things, perhaps sooner than I should have. I made myself hold babies and look at babies (not having one at home to come home to, I had to borrow my friends' children) and deal with my friends that were pregnant. I went to a baby shower two weeks after my surgery. Was it hard? Yes, it was. Was it worth it? Yes it was, because I am not tormented and sad by others being pregnant and seeing their babies. We all handle things differently...we all grieve in different ways and recover in different ways. I never thought about my due date until one depressing day in June when I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself because I had been TTC for another 6 months and *nothing* and counted it up and it had been on Father's Day (just past that at that point). I felt incredibly disloyal at the time, but I don't think it would be a problem again (new baby or not). I was concerned about the anniversary of the ectopic, because I had heard how depressing it was for some, but it turned out all right as well. Yes, I miss my babies. I wish they were here with me. But every waking moment is not consumed by them. There are some women I have encountered on other lists that lost children YEARS ago and are still tormented by their memories and guilt. That is not healthy! I lost both my grandmothers about 10 years ago, within two months of each other. Yes, I still think of them. I miss them a lot sometimes. I think of them on their birthdays. I do the same for my babies. I know that they are all in such a better place now, and I will see them again someday. That is a comfort to me. In the meantime, I want to be able to enjoy life...savoring the special moments that come, and not consumed by something I had no control over. I want to be able to rejoice with my friends who have children (yes, I have to admit I get pangs, wishing it were me, but it does not throw off my whole day). The whole point of this list is to help those who are going through what we have been through. I have moved on and am over the hard part of the experience, but if I can offer comfort to someone else, it will make that whole terrible mess worth it...that's why I joined and why I stay around. I don't know if this is making any sense or not...I feel like I am rambling. I just wanted you guys to know that you are not strange or cold...you are dealing with your experience in your own way and at your own pace....and that can help someone else. J. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 15, 1999 Report Share Posted November 15, 1999 , I had to respond to your post. In the hospital I barely thought of losing my baby. I was there for 5 days and my sole thought was when will the next shot arrive. I was poked and prodded and transfused and recatheterized (sp) to death - so I was able to avoid painful thoughts. In fact in the ER when I was told I was pg, before I was told it was not viable, I panicked and thought we are not ready for this. I was thinking about how it would cramp my lifestyle and affect our pocketbooks (we were already barely making ends meet). It wasn't until the ride home from the hospital that I experienced real feelings of loss. Dh (dear husband) stopped to fill my scripts and I saw pg women everywhere. By the time he retuned to the car I was a blubbering mess. Yet I keep these feeling to myself now. I may cry in front of my dh, but my friends are not aware of all I have gone through. For the most part I keep it inside. So don't feel bad if your grief doesn't match the grief of others. We all experience it in our own way. Tara Re: Just thinking... Dear , PLEASE don't feel guilty about not having the same feelings that some here do. The first time this happended to me, I was emotionally wrecked. I was in such a state of grief that I wasn't sure I'd ever recover. My blow, too, was lessened by the fact that I had a 2 yr old daughter to come home to, but the pain was still there. The second time I suffered a pregnancy loss was different. I felt more *detached*. Like I had NO hope whatsoever that it was going to be alright. I felt that if I was not hopeful or optimistic, then I wouldn't be hurt. I am ashamed to admit, but each time I have a loss, I am less affected by it. Not to say I don't mourn the loss and feel sorry for myself (yes, I do go through the self-pity thing). I just get more resolved to the fact that I may never have another child and maybe I should just count my blessings and thank God that I have my daughter. Why do I feel I HAVE to have another child? Olivia can be an only child, there are worse things. It is though, this nagging ache in my heart that still wants. I can't stop it. I think that maybe one day, if it doesn't happen for me, I'll have to resolve myself to the fact that I need to accept my luck. Until that point, I will keep trying or atleast thinking about that baby that I want so badly! Now, that is some endless rambling... I apologize for the poor grammar, however it is 12am!!! Take Care, ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A shopper's dream come true! Find practically anything on earth at eBay! Come and browse the more than 2 million items up for bid at any time. You never know what you might find at eBay! http://clickhere./click/1140 -- Easily schedule meetings and events using the group calendar! -- /cal?listname=ectopicpregnancy & m=1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 15, 1999 Report Share Posted November 15, 1999 Hi Tara I just had a thought, we should actually officially find out who is all ttc. right now. I know that you are ttc. but I have no idea who else. It would be nice to know who of us are in the same boat right now, that way we can be of more support to each other. IF we know expected ov. dates etc. we can send good luck emails and stuff at the right time. Don't you think? We can sort of post our cycle dates, that way we know who we share dates with, and who can expect AF when, so if she does come, we will be there, and we won't have to post these long stories each month it doesn't work. The other thing that would be interesting would be to find out in which order we all joined. I think someone mentioned it before, but now we have Krista pg. and pg. (in the right order) so it would be nice to try figure who's next. anyway, just ideas scroll please this is my cycle at the moment: day one was Nov.14 (AF official arrival) so I'm now day2. ovulation expected on day 14 which will be Nov. 27. next AF due Dec. 11th. So lets here it for cycle ttc.#2!!!!!! take care sonja Re: Just thinking... Dear , PLEASE don't feel guilty about not having the same feelings that some here do. The first time this happended to me, I was emotionally wrecked. I was in such a state of grief that I wasn't sure I'd ever recover. My blow, too, was lessened by the fact that I had a 2 yr old daughter to come home to, but the pain was still there. The second time I suffered a pregnancy loss was different. I felt more *detached*. Like I had NO hope whatsoever that it was going to be alright. I felt that if I was not hopeful or optimistic, then I wouldn't be hurt. I am ashamed to admit, but each time I have a loss, I am less affected by it. Not to say I don't mourn the loss and feel sorry for myself (yes, I do go through the self-pity thing). I just get more resolved to the fact that I may never have another child and maybe I should just count my blessings and thank God that I have my daughter. Why do I feel I HAVE to have another child? Olivia can be an only child, there are worse things. It is though, this nagging ache in my heart that still wants. I can't stop it. I think that maybe one day, if it doesn't happen for me, I'll have to resolve myself to the fact that I need to accept my luck. Until that point, I will keep trying or atleast thinking about that baby that I want so badly! Now, that is some endless rambling... I apologize for the poor grammar, however it is 12am!!! Take Care, ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A shopper's dream come true! Find practically anything on earth at eBay! Come and browse the more than 2 million items up for bid at any time. You never know what you might find at eBay! http://clickhere./click/1140 -- Easily schedule meetings and events using the group calendar! -- /cal?listname=ectopicpregnancy & m=1 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A shopper’s dream come true! Find practically anything on earth at eBay! Come and browse the more than 2 million items up for bid at any time. You never know what you might find at eBay! http://clickhere./click/1140 -- Talk to your group with your own voice! -- /VoiceChatPage?listName=ectopicpregnancy & m=1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 15, 1999 Report Share Posted November 15, 1999 LOL about joining order! There is another group I belong to that has different members in charge of their lists. There is the " PIT list: (for those who have had AF and are waiting to O) and " Limbo list " for those after O waiting to test or see AF to know if they are pg. You guys could do that or something similar if you wanted. I like the idea of being able to cheer on those who are ttc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 15, 1999 Report Share Posted November 15, 1999 In a message dated 11/12/99 9:01:26 PM Central Standard Time, Teneniel2@... writes: << I wonder why I am able to talk freely about what happened. I see other people here that are still very upset about their e/ps and wonder what's wrong with me? >> Don't feel bad. Sometimes I want to talk about it and sometimes I don't. I know how you feel, always wondering if something is wrong with the way you feel. I often ask myself if I am in denial. I feel bad because I do not post everyday with the group. Sometimes I do not feel like I contribute anything useful. I just hope that no one feels like I am a peeping tom. Angel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 1999 Report Share Posted November 16, 1999 My DH calls it the " wonder drug " . I did not get any when I had my ectopic, but I had plenty when I had my miscarriage. He says he could watch it take effect by the look on my face. Demerol and Morphine are my friends Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 1999 Report Share Posted November 16, 1999 OK I loved Demerol. It was great. I didn't even feel the pain of the injection. I hated Morphine though. Three years ago I was hosp for 5 days w/ pneumonia and they put me on Morphine. I cried the entire time. When the ep happened, my dh told the doc NO MORPHINE . That's when I discovered my friend demerol. Tara Re: Just thinking... My DH calls it the " wonder drug " . I did not get any when I had my ectopic, but I had plenty when I had my miscarriage. He says he could watch it take effect by the look on my face. Demerol and Morphine are my friends ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A shopper's dream come true! Find practically anything on earth at eBay! Come and browse the more than 2 million items up for bid at any time. You never know what you might find at eBay! http://clickhere./click/1140 -- Easily schedule meetings and events using the group calendar! -- /cal?listname=ectopicpregnancy & m=1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 18, 1999 Report Share Posted November 18, 1999 Dont let my my husband hear that Amy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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