introducing myself,

[Guest guest]

Thirty two years ago, I left home at age 18. I was able to persevere,

and not run away, because that " small still voice " inside of me at

15, told me that most of the craziness would be resolved if I bade my

time, loved myself and my brother (9 years younger than I), spoke

the truth and left as soon as I was legally able. Easier said, than

done for sure!

I have not gone back to that house but for visits I can count on the

fingers of one hand.

Last fall, I finally realized mom has BPD.

I live 3000 miles from my parents, who are still married. My mom is

75 now and my dad a non-BPD is 83.

It took me 32 years to identify my BPD, perhaps because I am

diagnosis-aversive, I do not like putting people in boxes. At all.

So, over the years I have seen this diagnosis called borderline

personality disorder. I had no interest in learning anything about

it. Oh, I had one almost friend who told me she had it. Did I ask her

ANY questions about it? NOoooooo. (Well, largely it was because I had

my own issues to focus on, myself, in recovery. I have been given a

number of diagnoses myself, because of the unfortunate way in which I

respond to external (and internal) stress.)

Also this past fall, I came to realize I will not have the closure

on my parent's lives, that I had always hoped for. You know, having

them live in my home instead of in residential care.

If I am really really honest with myself, one of the main reasons I

stay in contact is that I STILL want a relationship with my dad! I

think I survived my childhood because of his wisdom. On the other

hand, I can easily have anger at him for not making an effort to call

me himself, be available to talk... etc. He never answers the phone,

now that he is retired. My mom is the one who does all the calling,

too. And, if I allowed it, she would make my talking to him

conditional on my " good behavior " in how I interact with her. Well,

I pretty much say what I damned well please and hang up when she is

wants to treat me like a garbage can. Net result, I almost never get

to talk to my dad.

I also do not believe in Evil, I won't give it power in my life! It

took a lot: my brother's near crisis last fall ( financially) for

me to confront that my mom would never be normal. After

" witnessing " my mother's craziness with my brother through

speakerphone (thanks to a coincidence and my brother's quick

thinking) I was able for the first time to LISTEN to my mom do to

SOMEONE else, what she has always tried to do to me over the years. I

haven' t let her get away with doing IT to me, because I can smell it

coming and get off the phone! Because of my brother, I realize now

the freedom of my having had no financial ties to her. My mom made

sure I had no financial support from her in going to college. ly

I knew I would never be able to accomplish anything in my life if I

needed to take handouts from her.

This fall, I got the best laugh of my life, when I finally said what

I had thought for years. One of the things I told my mom as all this

crap was going down with my brother, and I was calling her cards on

it (I wasn't supposed to KNOW she was crapping on my bro.).. " Mom, my

freedom is every penny I never got from you. " Unlike my

brother, who got some reluctant help in college, I have not received

significant money from my parents in 32 years, except for the

occasional generous gifts they have given their grandson (my only)

this past nine years. I feel absolutely no obligations for those

gifts, they are an opportunity for my son to expres gratitude and to

write wonderful thank you notes). But after this awful saga my

brother went through over THREE months.... I was ready to admit my

mom IS forever evil and to completely give up on her. I was reeling

from the Evil, and ready at last to tell my therapist I was giving up

on my mom and dad. Screw them both. That was the morning, Walking on

Eggshells leaped off the shelf at me while I was waiting in her

office. Oh, it had been there before, but not for me. In my mind, it

was bad enough that my mom was narcissistic.

Looking quickly at the checklist back cover, I saw my mom through

the experience my brother had shared with me. This was the mom I

THOUGHT I had left behind at `18, the mom I thought I was

" transforming " through my good hard work, NOT.

Another BPD book for children of, helped me realize that " the

witch MOM " had become reinvigorated by her son needing something

from her. For my mom, folks really needing her actually brings out

her worst. She becomes sadistic and she projects evil on the person

who needs here. I had forgotten that, because in 32 years, I had only

gone to her twice in need. And had been protected in both cases,

because I had good people in my life who met my need when she showed

her inadequacies.

I want to share that I have used Emotions Anonymous program to heal

myself this past 18 years. And that real recently when I realized my

mom was BPD, I found myself welcomed at a Al-anon meeting. It helps

to see the BPD as a dry drunk, and to realize that I am trying to

recover in much the same way as a family member of an alcoholic (We

have no adult child of alcoholics groups in our area, so I am

grateful to be allowed to bend the rules a bit). Because I have

good program background it is easy for me to get educated from others

shares and add my own experience to the mix in a way that does not

detract from their focus)

But SWOE was what made me realize I needed to get more support and

validation from 12-step program that is for co-addicts... and learn

about boundary setting. That supported the work I did on my own with

SWOE and helped transform my brother's and my relationship AND it has

helped me to put ME first. I am the compassionate type that wants to

solve others problems, thinking that is how I solve mine.

Time to bust that myth. Last month, I finally set boundaries,

openly, with my mom on the phone, using the SWOE work book. I put

NPD mom on speakerphone in order to do it.

She has not called back since, at least from what I can tell on my

caller id. I have answered all the private caller phone calls that

have come in, and none of them have been her.

Our relationship, or mine with myself, has changed. I hope it is not

too late. BUT I WOULD like to know my father's story, before he dies.

Best,