TGIF- Uncle Noon and Aunt Mess

[Guest guest]

ny Hoffman, one of my favorite Cajun humorists tells stories

about Uncle Noon and Aunt Mess. Uncle Noon seems to hunt and fish all

the time and Aunt Mess is noticably unattractive, to put it mildly.

Aunt Mess it the one about whom they invented that old

saying, " Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the

bone " . But I got good news about Aunt Mess. Two weeks ago, Uncle

Noon took her to a plastic surgeon. That doctor took a good look at

her face. " Hmmmm. Noon, I'll tell you what we're gonna do. I think

we're gonna start with her nose, " the doctor said. " What you gonna

do with that? Straighten it out? Make it smaller? What? " Noon

asked. " Well, I thought we'd start by putting it between her two

eyes, " the doctor said. After fixing the nose, the doctor performed

a skin graft on Aunt Mess' face like you would no believe. That

doctor got all the wrinkles out of Aunt Mess' face with that skin

graft. What he did was graft on her face the skin from the smoothest

part of her body that he could find. He wouldn't tell anone where he

got the skin from. But every time Aunt Mess would get tired, her

face wanted to sit down!.........What Uncle Noon and Aunt Mess like

to do best is to go hunting. One time the game warden was wandering

around and he saw Noon come out of the woods. Noon had around his

belt some squirrels that he had killed. He had their tails tucked up

under his belt, all around. So the game warden said to him " Boy,

well, you got your limit, huh? " " I better count them just to make

sure " The game warden said. He counted and found that Noon was

right on the limit, so there was no problem with that. Then he

says: " Noon, I notice you ain't got no gun with you. No weapon at

all. Those squirrels ain't got a mark on 'em. How did you kill

them? " " Well, since it's you, I'm gonna tell you what I did. I

uglied them to death. I hide behind a tree and wait til the squirrel

comes out on the branch. I make a noise, and he looks at me. Then I

give him a face, and the squirrel just gets uglied to death! And down

he comes! " " Well, I've never seen nothin' like that before, but I

can't argue with that " the game warden says. About that time, out of

the woods comes Aunt Mess. " What....is....that? " the warden

asks. " That's my wife, Aunt Mess, " Noon says. " She hunt with you

often? " " Well, whe comes in the woods, but we don't let her hun no

more. She tears 'em up too bad, " Noon explains.