Desperate

[Guest guest]

I called my pain doctor's office Friday morning, and told them on voice

mail that I messed my back up somehow. It feels like either my fusion

is screwed up, or I slipped a disk. I need more pain meds as soon as

possible and I need a MRI scheduled, because something has to be done.

The only person who is ever nice to me and treats me like a human being

and not a junky is the nurse who handles the calls. She called back and

told me she would talk to the doctor about the MRI, but that she doubted

they would give me any more medication. I told her they can take me off

the Opana, it's not doing anything for me, but if they don't give me

more morphine, I am going to be bedridden and keep gaining weight. I

don't know what else to do.

I keep telling God, " If this doesn't get better soon, then you better

take me now, because there's no way can I keep living like this " . It's

an agonizing long struggle of will trying to get off the couch or out of

bed when my brain is screaming at me that I can't move because of the

pain. I am sure the neighbors love hearing my loud cursing all the time.

My Mom paid on my electric bill like she promised last month, so I spent

my last $10 on some vodka to help dull the pain.

Going to the ER is a pointless torture anymore because the pain shots do

nothing. I don't get how people on my support groups can have IV

morphine for headaches, or Demerol (that is supposed to be banned by the

FDA now) for their pain (and it's the only drug that ever took my pain

away). - or even self injection kits to use at home for severe pain.

Or even God forbid the now legal medical marijuana for pain!

Any of these things would be a huge relief! WHY is it I am denied all of

this? I don't see how anyone who has migraines or cancer or anything can

be in worse pain than this! Even when I am laid up on the couch with a

big pillow under my legs and knees, and that is the most comfortable

spot I can be in, it still hurts enough that I can't sleep, so I have to

take a bunch of muscle relaxers and Valium to knock me out. Getting up

from that position makes me see spots and almost pass out.

What did I do to deserve this? Is this some kind of sign that I was

being lazy before? Because I get it! I WANT to do more, but I had to

have my mom pull my pants up when I went to the bathroom at the ER, and

she has to come over and do a lot of my housework now! I do not enjoy

that!

WHAT DO I DO???

~*Kris