Re: over-reacting?

[Guest guest]

It is very common for family members of BPD's to exhibit the same behavior

patterns at their BP counterparts. Over reacting is something that is very

common among BP's and I often find myself doing it also. It is helpful to have a

friend or SO close to you tell you that you are overreacting on something. Know

that you are susceptible to overreacting, playing the victim, etc. because you

lived in that world for so long. Its normal to take on those traits, but now

that you are aware of it, now is the time to take action.

AJ

>

> Hi, I'm curious if anyone else has a problem with over-reacting emotionally? I

find myself doing this in a bad way. It gets me into fights with my husband

(over stupid things) and affects my decision-making ability.

>

> My therapist once pointed out that my BPD mom over-reacts too. It's something

I'd really like to stop doing. I'm aware that I'm over-reacting but can't seem

to put the brakes on my emotions.

>

> Since I can't see my therapist due to health insurance issues right now, I

thought I'd turn to you all for help. I'm starting a new job that has me

alternating between excitement/hope and anxiety/overwhelmed. I'm ready to quit

the job because the emotional stress is too much.

>

> I would appreciate any advice/feedback. Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, yeah - I just wrote about this recently. I finally realized that it

happened just two hours after I'd had one of those long, guilt-trip-lecture

phone calls from nada. The difference this time was that I recognized that it

was an over-reaction, and made the connection to the earlier phone call. It's

not OK to really lash out at nada (nor would it do any good - it would just make

her re-wind her lecture tape and start all over), so that anger just sat there

and simmered until a pretty minor episode of spousal slovenliness just

set...me...OFF.

I'm using some the techniques recommended by others in this group - journaling,

trying to connect what's really going on to the way I react, etc. - and

recognizing the fleas for what they are. Other excellent suggestions have been:

dance frenetically (to let off steam), or put on loud, loud music and sing.

Strenuous workouts might also help. (I'm thinking of trying the punching bag at

the gym next time nada calls.)

I'm getting better at giving my husband and son calm, factual statements ( " I am

really tired and irritable this evening. " ) rather than just snapping at them

when they are working my very last nerve.

Just knowing that there's a REASON for the zero-to-sixty flashes of anger has

helped.

About the new job - you know, it's not unusual to have those feelings of anxiety

wrapped up with the excitement with such a major change. You're in uncharted

territory, learning a lot of new information quickly, and there's pressure to do

your best right away. If you have a good trainer or mentor, you could ask for

some feedback every few days, rather than leaping to the conclusion that you

need to quit. Most companies have a probationary period for new employees to

give the new hire a chance to learn the job - don't assume you can't make it

until you've given yourself and the job a chance. The better a job is, the

longer it takes to learn the ropes. Deep breaths!!

[Guest guest]

There is an excellent article describing techniques for self-calming that was

written mostly to help elementary school teachers, but it seems very applicable

to just about any situation in which a person finds him- or herself triggered

into an angry or anxiety-soaked reaction.

It suggests that children raised in chronically stressful environments (i.e.: an

emotionally unstable, scary bpd mom) become highly sensitized to stress hormones

and become more easily and quickly upset and agitated themselves.

The key thing to remember is that you need to practice the techniques and become

familiar with them *before* you can utilize them in a stressful situation, like

learning to swim in the shallow end of the pool before you jump into the deep

end.

Here's the link to the article " The Powerful Impact of Stress and Calm on

Health, Behavior and Learning " :

http://www.newhorizons.org/spneeds/inclusion/teaching/tennant.htm

Hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> Hi, I'm curious if anyone else has a problem with over-reacting emotionally? I

find myself doing this in a bad way. It gets me into fights with my husband

(over stupid things) and affects my decision-making ability.

>

> My therapist once pointed out that my BPD mom over-reacts too. It's something

I'd really like to stop doing. I'm aware that I'm over-reacting but can't seem

to put the brakes on my emotions.

>

> Since I can't see my therapist due to health insurance issues right now, I

thought I'd turn to you all for help. I'm starting a new job that has me

alternating between excitement/hope and anxiety/overwhelmed. I'm ready to quit

the job because the emotional stress is too much.

>

> I would appreciate any advice/feedback. Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you! Just scanning the article made me feel a little better. I'll read it

through tonight.

> >

> > Hi, I'm curious if anyone else has a problem with over-reacting emotionally?

I find myself doing this in a bad way. It gets me into fights with my husband

(over stupid things) and affects my decision-making ability.

> >

> > My therapist once pointed out that my BPD mom over-reacts too. It's

something I'd really like to stop doing. I'm aware that I'm over-reacting but

can't seem to put the brakes on my emotions.

> >

> > Since I can't see my therapist due to health insurance issues right now, I

thought I'd turn to you all for help. I'm starting a new job that has me

alternating between excitement/hope and anxiety/overwhelmed. I'm ready to quit

the job because the emotional stress is too much.

> >

> > I would appreciate any advice/feedback. Thanks!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks! I do realize the emotions are normal for the situation but they are

ultra intense. Or at least they feel that way to me. I appreciate the pep talk

though - it really helps me feel more normal.

>

> Oh, yeah - I just wrote about this recently. I finally realized that it

happened just two hours after I'd had one of those long, guilt-trip-lecture

phone calls from nada. The difference this time was that I recognized that it

was an over-reaction, and made the connection to the earlier phone call. It's

not OK to really lash out at nada (nor would it do any good - it would just make

her re-wind her lecture tape and start all over), so that anger just sat there

and simmered until a pretty minor episode of spousal slovenliness just

set...me...OFF.

>

> I'm using some the techniques recommended by others in this group -

journaling, trying to connect what's really going on to the way I react, etc. -

and recognizing the fleas for what they are. Other excellent suggestions have

been: dance frenetically (to let off steam), or put on loud, loud music and

sing. Strenuous workouts might also help. (I'm thinking of trying the punching

bag at the gym next time nada calls.)

>

> I'm getting better at giving my husband and son calm, factual statements ( " I

am really tired and irritable this evening. " ) rather than just snapping at them

when they are working my very last nerve.

>

> Just knowing that there's a REASON for the zero-to-sixty flashes of anger has

helped.

>

> About the new job - you know, it's not unusual to have those feelings of

anxiety wrapped up with the excitement with such a major change. You're in

uncharted territory, learning a lot of new information quickly, and there's

pressure to do your best right away. If you have a good trainer or mentor, you

could ask for some feedback every few days, rather than leaping to the

conclusion that you need to quit. Most companies have a probationary period for

new employees to give the new hire a chance to learn the job - don't assume you

can't make it until you've given yourself and the job a chance. The better a job

is, the longer it takes to learn the ropes. Deep breaths!!

>

[Guest guest]

hi there

i over-react as well, or find myself thinking mostly bad thoughts, or all good.

sound familiar? oh-oh...those damn itchy fleas again!

at least you are now aware of your tendency to over-react. a great first step!

one thing i always try to remember to do is to apologise to my ever-patient

hubby. i don't rationalise my behaviour or try to justify it, just say i'm so

sorry, i really overreacted. its hard, adn humbling, but it does work.

good luck to you

bridget

>

> Hi, I'm curious if anyone else has a problem with over-reacting emotionally? I

find myself doing this in a bad way. It gets me into fights with my husband

(over stupid things) and affects my decision-making ability.

>

> My therapist once pointed out that my BPD mom over-reacts too. It's something

I'd really like to stop doing. I'm aware that I'm over-reacting but can't seem

to put the brakes on my emotions.

>

> Since I can't see my therapist due to health insurance issues right now, I

thought I'd turn to you all for help. I'm starting a new job that has me

alternating between excitement/hope and anxiety/overwhelmed. I'm ready to quit

the job because the emotional stress is too much.

>

> I would appreciate any advice/feedback. Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

Over-reacting? Heck yeah. Especially lately. Only I've stopped calling it

*over-reacting* because I felt like I was invalidating my emotions by saying

that they were too strong. It helps me to realize that I am being emotionally

reactive for a reason...usually because something is triggering me. If I trace

it back to the trigger, I'm reacting in a way that would have been appropriate

in the original situation...but that seems extreme in the present tense.

There's an old saying from Alcoholics Anonymous... " If you're hysterical, it's

historical. " ... meaning that there is something from our past that is getting

reactivated when we get extremely upset about some current day issue.

Based on what many of us lived through as children, and have lived through as

adult children of mentally ill parents...it is no wonder that we react this way

when triggered. It makes sense. I wasn't allowed to express my emotions and

learned to go numb/dissociate when dealing with nada and some of the total

insanity that I went through with her. So now when I'm triggered, my emotions go

nuts...right throw the roof. It's also part of the healing process for me,

because for many years the only thing I felt was depression and anxiety. So

maybe it's not always a bad sign to be feeling and reacting to life...

I'm learning to be kinder to myself and to allow my emotions expression in ways

that don't hurt myself or others...it doesn't work for me to try to put the lid

on them, because they just leak out in another form...usually a headache or some

other physical manifestation of stress.

Walking helps...so does journaling. So does practicing radical acceptance and

doing some of the exercises in the book I have on dialectical behavioral

therapy. It kind of makes me mad that I have to use the same kind of coping

devices as a person with BPD...because I don't want to be identified with them.

I'm still pretty angry with nada and am probably splitting people with BDP and

making them the bad guys. It's hard not to do that when you've been so deeply

hurt. I'm working towards a more compassionate place, but the first person I

have to have compassion for is me.

Kate

> >

> > Hi, I'm curious if anyone else has a problem with over-reacting emotionally?

I find myself doing this in a bad way. It gets me into fights with my husband

(over stupid things) and affects my decision-making ability.

> >

> > My therapist once pointed out that my BPD mom over-reacts too. It's

something I'd really like to stop doing. I'm aware that I'm over-reacting but

can't seem to put the brakes on my emotions.

> >

> > Since I can't see my therapist due to health insurance issues right now, I

thought I'd turn to you all for help. I'm starting a new job that has me

alternating between excitement/hope and anxiety/overwhelmed. I'm ready to quit

the job because the emotional stress is too much.

> >

> > I would appreciate any advice/feedback. Thanks!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

If you've allowed yourself to fall into the habit of lashing out your

irritability and anger at your spouse or at your little ones who depend on you

to nurture them, then that is a very slippery and dangerous slope to be on.

Acting-out is for sure a bpd " flea " behavior that can do a lot of damage to your

marriage and/or to your kids.

My bpd-mom felt safe dumping on us; she said she couldn't help insulting,

criticizing, snapping at and having full-blown tantrums at my Sister and me, and

at our dad whenever she felt upset or frustrated or angry. But that drove my

poor dear dad to drink; he died way too young, and it made Sister and me not

trust our nada and not really want to be around her much, frankly. That

lashing-out behavior of hers made us fear her and, sadly, hate her.

Inflicting our negative moods on another person is taking that person's love for

granted, thinking that any nasty thing you say or do to them will always be

forgiven. That is self-delusional, self-indulgent bpd-thinking; you *can* drive

your loved ones away if you chronically mistreat them. After a few years,

saying " I'm sorry " becomes meaningless and even cruel. They'll stop believing

that you mean it when you continue to lash out at them and hurt them for little

or no reason.

As non-bpds, we are able to own responsibility for our behaviors, recognize a

bad behavioral habit we've slipped into, learn to self-monitor and change the

lashing-out habit with anger-management techniques and self-calming techniques.

Don't let the " fleas " in your house, you're stronger and more mentally healthy

and rational than your bpd mom; you can learn and change.

-Annie

> >

> > Hi, I'm curious if anyone else has a problem with over-reacting emotionally?

I find myself doing this in a bad way. It gets me into fights with my husband

(over stupid things) and affects my decision-making ability.

> >

> > My therapist once pointed out that my BPD mom over-reacts too. It's

something I'd really like to stop doing. I'm aware that I'm over-reacting but

can't seem to put the brakes on my emotions.

> >

> > Since I can't see my therapist due to health insurance issues right now, I

thought I'd turn to you all for help. I'm starting a new job that has me

alternating between excitement/hope and anxiety/overwhelmed. I'm ready to quit

the job because the emotional stress is too much.

> >

> > I would appreciate any advice/feedback. Thanks!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kate - very well put and just what I needed to hear. Thanks so much!

>

> Over-reacting? Heck yeah. Especially lately. Only I've stopped calling it

*over-reacting* because I felt like I was invalidating my emotions by saying

that they were too strong. It helps me to realize that I am being emotionally

reactive for a reason...usually because something is triggering me. If I trace

it back to the trigger, I'm reacting in a way that would have been appropriate

in the original situation...but that seems extreme in the present tense.

>

>

> There's an old saying from Alcoholics Anonymous... " If you're hysterical, it's

historical. " ... meaning that there is something from our past that is getting

reactivated when we get extremely upset about some current day issue.

>

> Based on what many of us lived through as children, and have lived through as

adult children of mentally ill parents...it is no wonder that we react this way

when triggered. It makes sense. I wasn't allowed to express my emotions and

learned to go numb/dissociate when dealing with nada and some of the total

insanity that I went through with her. So now when I'm triggered, my emotions go

nuts...right throw the roof. It's also part of the healing process for me,

because for many years the only thing I felt was depression and anxiety. So

maybe it's not always a bad sign to be feeling and reacting to life...

>

> I'm learning to be kinder to myself and to allow my emotions expression in

ways that don't hurt myself or others...it doesn't work for me to try to put the

lid on them, because they just leak out in another form...usually a headache or

some other physical manifestation of stress.

>

> Walking helps...so does journaling. So does practicing radical acceptance and

doing some of the exercises in the book I have on dialectical behavioral

therapy. It kind of makes me mad that I have to use the same kind of coping

devices as a person with BPD...because I don't want to be identified with them.

I'm still pretty angry with nada and am probably splitting people with BDP and

making them the bad guys. It's hard not to do that when you've been so deeply

hurt. I'm working towards a more compassionate place, but the first person I

have to have compassion for is me.

>

> Kate

>

> > >

> > > Hi, I'm curious if anyone else has a problem with over-reacting

emotionally? I find myself doing this in a bad way. It gets me into fights with

my husband (over stupid things) and affects my decision-making ability.

> > >

> > > My therapist once pointed out that my BPD mom over-reacts too. It's

something I'd really like to stop doing. I'm aware that I'm over-reacting but

can't seem to put the brakes on my emotions.

> > >

> > > Since I can't see my therapist due to health insurance issues right now, I

thought I'd turn to you all for help. I'm starting a new job that has me

alternating between excitement/hope and anxiety/overwhelmed. I'm ready to quit

the job because the emotional stress is too much.

> > >

> > > I would appreciate any advice/feedback. Thanks!

> > >

> >

>