Re: cousins - extended family - dealing with bpd

[Guest guest]

Hi Jeanie,

I'm reposting (and expanding on) a response I gave in another thread.

Sounds like your family, like mine, is terribly enmeshed. Your relationship with

female cousin shouldn't have much - if anything - to do with your relationship

with her brother. Can you call her just to see how she's doing and sort of

cleverly push the topic aside if she brings her bro up? I know it may be for

nothing, but you can try. If she cares about you, she should be able to maintain

independent relationships with both of you without " picking sides. "

You said you recognized that you'd over-reacted in your email to male cousin.

Would it be appropriate in the situation to send him another email apologizing

for the over reaction part of things, and also letting him know that you care

about him, but your relationship with your mother is between you and her, you

don't want him being pulled into the middle of it, and so you'd rather not

discuss you & mum with him in the future?

This differentiation process – trying to extract yourself from a seriously

enmeshed family – is something I've been wrestling with for three months at

least. I haven't managed it yet – I've continued talking about my problems with

grandnada with two sympathetic cousins and my mom (who has a lot of serious

issues and may also be a nada). I've managed it with just one cousin so far.

Even trying to figure out what exactly I'll say to other members of the FOO has

been a struggle. So I'm not exactly an expert on the process, although I quite

like the idea in theory. =)

One thing to keep in mind while you do this, though - a lot of your family

members will react negatively. You're upsetting the norm. You're violating the

family rules. You're supposed to just all tolerate her, for goodness sake! And

if you're not around for her to use up your energy, her efforts will be

redirected to the remaining folks in the fmaily - they'll get more of it than

they did before! And it's " your fault! " ... But it's NOT your fault. Those

other family members who let your nada drive them nuts and/or can't keep some

distance from her are making their own choices to be in her line of fire.

If your nada has BPD, it is likely that many more in the family know that there

is something " off " with her. Even if it seems like she's always sweet with your

cousins, she's probably acted out as an adult toward her parents and/or at least

one of her siblings. There may be family stories about " crazy her " out there

you haven't heard yet. It was only recently that my mom told me that my

grandnada had, around age 13, crouched over a floor air vent in the attic and

urinated on the head of one of her older sister's boyfriends, who was sitting in

the living room below. I mean - YIKES. Anyway, some family members may fully

understand understand why you're keeping your distance.

The family members who are more emotionally healthy than not and who care to do

so will maintain a relationship with you, and they will be able to say to

themselves " That sure doesn't sound like the Jeanie I know, " if/when your nada

makes up crazy stories about you. At least, that's what I'm told. =)

I've definitely experienced some anxiety about losing relationships with many in

the extended family because of her smear campaigns and my decision to cease

contact with her. She's played the matriarch role and conveys news about

everyone else to each of us so we don't have to talk with one another directly

(always through her filter, though), hosts uncles and cousins when they come in

from out of town and coordinates the family get-togethers ... [drama related to

that, but I'll try not to veer off on a tangent this time]

Now that I'm NC with grandnada, I realize that I've let myself be lazy about

nurturing many of my family relationships, and if I want relationships with

folks, I need to make an effort to connect and communicate with them. I may

succeed with some and not others. But those who I don't succeed with ... I

probably didn't have much in the way of a real, healthy relationship with them,

anyway.

I've grappled a lot with how to re-connect with family members and address the

issue in way that lets them know I'm not trying to steal them away from

grandnada (which I'm sure is how she'll view it) or force them to choose sides

or put them in the middle in any way, but I care about them and want to maintain

a relationship with them so maybe we do that by agreeing not to talk about her

with one another. But I haven't figured out how to ask them not to convey info

I disclose about my life on to grandnada because she can be relied upon to use

everything against me somehow (like coming to my little one's kindergarten

without permission after my mom told her where dd was going to school). Maybe

saying something along the lines of, " You'll probably find life to be a lot

easier if you adopt a similar rule with grandnada, that you won't talk to her

about me, whether the rule is out loud or just in your own mind. "

Hope this helps.

- gethappy

>

> i have recently fallen out with a much-valued cousin. Her brother sides with

my nada. I wrote a rather angry email to him (maybe it was a bit over-the-top),

but i feel hurt that he sides with nada, knowing nothing about the situation.

>

> He forwarded my email to his sister, and now she is angry with me. I can't

help feeling he is being unfair - after all, he is 49 years old, and its

pathetic that he has involved her instead of dealing with it himself. I imagine

he doesn't like she and I being friends.

>

> I suppose i'll just have to wait and see if it blows over and she and i can

re-establish our relationship. Any opinions or ideas?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi - i really appreciate your response " gethappy73 " . I particularly like the

line " if she cared about you ...without " picking sides " . I couldn't agree more!

Only trouble is, she's more or less made it clear that " enough is enough " , so I

don't feel I have the option of casually phoning her for a conversation. While

I can understand that I may have gone over the top, I must admit I think she is

being a bit unreasonable. After all, she and I haven't fallen out.

As for her brother, he has been " off " with me for years, even though we have

never fallen out. But he seems to believe everything my nada tells him. Nada

thinks he is wonderful, and he in turn, seems to think the same about her. So

to be honest, I don't feel much like apologising to him - especially as i think

he has stirred up trouble between his sister and me. I think he's pathetic -

he's 49 years old! Why can't he just sort out his own problems?

> >

> > i have recently fallen out with a much-valued cousin. Her brother sides

with my nada. I wrote a rather angry email to him (maybe it was a bit

over-the-top), but i feel hurt that he sides with nada, knowing nothing about

the situation.

> >

> > He forwarded my email to his sister, and now she is angry with me. I can't

help feeling he is being unfair - after all, he is 49 years old, and its

pathetic that he has involved her instead of dealing with it himself. I imagine

he doesn't like she and I being friends.

> >

> > I suppose i'll just have to wait and see if it blows over and she and i can

re-establish our relationship. Any opinions or ideas?

> >

>