Re: Interpreting her letters

[Guest guest]

Sounds like your nada is sucking you dry like an emotional vampire and when you

attempt to set boundaries she attacks you from all over the emotional map.

(ie: " I hate you, don't leave me " ) Classic bpd. I bet you are realizing that in

retrospect moving right next door to her was not really a very good idea.

Physical distance from your abuser is the best boundary, truly. I'd recommend

across the board: never live closer than several hours away from an abusive

parent if you can possibly manage it.

My Sister and I had success with giving our nada an ultimatum: go into therapy,

stay in therapy and there is a possibility of re-establishing contact with us.

It worked for us: nada did go into therapy for six months and has shown some

improvement in her nasty, hateful, critical, nothing-you-do-is-ever-enough

behaviors.

I personally do not believe the new, improved nada behaviors are either sincere

or permanent, but my Sister is happy about the changes so I am happy for her.

She's the one who lives near nada, I don't.

All I've noticed is that the insults nada directs at me are a lot more subtle,

more passive-aggressive than ever before. But Sister is

on the front lines and nada is behaving noticeably better for Sister, and that's

what counts in my book; my Sister is my hero.

I think that the ultimatum worked for us because my Sister and I presented a

united front and because we were dead serious about no contact with nada unless

she followed through. Nada chose to not be emotionally abandoned, apparently

the bpd's worst fear.

That may not work with other bpd-parent/adult child situations, so its not a

cure-all, but if you've tried everything else to no avail it may be worth a

shot.

- Annie

>

> My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of letters.

>

> The first one begins with:

> " A B*tch

> A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last gathering with

your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to thin to go. I

cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she is

feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my face to get

away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled with " SELFISH "

across it.

> Finally I receive emails:

> " I am on hiatus from your life.

> I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I suppose it

was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would try something

I made, however the situation you made for the offering arrival caused my

participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You perpetuate my

familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is how I perceive

you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For you to not have

transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am not interested in

being around you, and that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin

is too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a party a plate

of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I forgive you for

that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I would prefer

to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered. Eventually I will

forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me, that is a chance I will

take.

> Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not arrive as a

selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting or you came by

it all by yourself.

> PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in violence,

please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother and father so it

is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his colors. Sometimes it

takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> Love,

> Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

>

> And two seconds later it is

> " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for unemployment

and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me, because I am

foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is bullshit and I am

smarter than you know.

> Bye,

> Mom "

>

> I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all she has in

the world but I can't take it.

> I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her to be

willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at work. I am

falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am drowning.

>

[Guest guest]

hi duckie

wow you are in a truly terrible place right now - completely enmeshed with your

bpd mother, at the mercy of her moods and whims, and probably feeling like

nobody understands and that you have no place to go.

firstly though it is important to know that you do have us here - this group.

you must know that so many of us know EXACTLY what you are going through with

your mother - we have all been there. for some of us it is now merely a memory

(albeit a ghastly one), for some of us it is a sometime only thing, others (like

me) have managed to establish very firm adn clear boundaries that help us to

live with and manage our parents with bpd. some of us even cut off contact

completely (nc - 'no contact'). still others, like you, are new to the group and

are only starting out on their journeys to hopefully living happy, fulfilled and

healthy lives with, or without, their bpd parents.

please hang in there duckie. there is light at the end of the tunnel.

some preliminary advice? remember it is the bpd talking, not your mother. she

has a mental illness that causes her to behave in some truly terrible ways. none

of it is really about you at all. you are all she has in the world because she

has alienated everybody else. being the sole focus of someone's life is

crushing, claustrophobic, and completely unhealthy. it is an unbearable burden

which is why you feel like you are drowning.

keep telling us your story and you will find so much from people who know and

care that will hopefully help you

regards

bridget

>

> My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of letters.

>

> The first one begins with:

> " A B*tch

> A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last gathering with

your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to thin to go. I

cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she is

feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my face to get

away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled with " SELFISH "

across it.

> Finally I receive emails:

> " I am on hiatus from your life.

> I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I suppose it

was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would try something

I made, however the situation you made for the offering arrival caused my

participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You perpetuate my

familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is how I perceive

you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For you to not have

transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am not interested in

being around you, and that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin

is too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a party a plate

of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I forgive you for

that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I would prefer

to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered. Eventually I will

forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me, that is a chance I will

take.

> Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not arrive as a

selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting or you came by

it all by yourself.

> PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in violence,

please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother and father so it

is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his colors. Sometimes it

takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> Love,

> Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

>

> And two seconds later it is

> " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for unemployment

and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me, because I am

foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is bullshit and I am

smarter than you know.

> Bye,

> Mom "

>

> I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all she has in

the world but I can't take it.

> I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her to be

willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at work. I am

falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am drowning.

>

[Guest guest]

The thing you said about being " all she has in the world " really struck a chord

with me. I have felt this very strongly about my own nada and I have an almost

inbuilt guilt reaction when I do anything that asserts my different-ness

sometimes. I am slowly finding my way out of this, but it is hard.

The kind of responsibility you feel to your mother is not right, and is not your

responsibility to feel. As dysfunctional and ill as she is, she is supposed to

be the parent. You should not have to make sacrifices for her, and just because

she has isolated herself does not mean that you now have to be obligated to act

like her only friend, her caretaker, her sounding board, that you have to be

obligated to put up with the kind of put-downs and manipulation that you

wouldn't accept from anyone else in your life. Mothers are supposed to protect

you. Since she is incapable, you need to protect yourself.

You have the right to a life of your own - you need to honour your own feelings

here if you want to find your way out of your depression. I believe that my

depression in the past came from denying my true feelings about how I felt about

my parents.

My thoughts go out to you and I hope it is at least a small consolation that

others know how this feels.

>

> My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of letters.

>

> The first one begins with:

> " A B*tch

> A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last gathering with

your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to thin to go. I

cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she is

feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my face to get

away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled with " SELFISH "

across it.

> Finally I receive emails:

> " I am on hiatus from your life.

> I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I suppose it

was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would try something

I made, however the situation you made for the offering arrival caused my

participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You perpetuate my

familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is how I perceive

you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For you to not have

transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am not interested in

being around you, and that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin

is too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a party a plate

of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I forgive you for

that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I would prefer

to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered. Eventually I will

forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me, that is a chance I will

take.

> Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not arrive as a

selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting or you came by

it all by yourself.

> PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in violence,

please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother and father so it

is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his colors. Sometimes it

takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> Love,

> Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

>

> And two seconds later it is

> " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for unemployment

and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me, because I am

foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is bullshit and I am

smarter than you know.

> Bye,

> Mom "

>

> I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all she has in

the world but I can't take it.

> I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her to be

willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at work. I am

falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am drowning.

>

[Guest guest]

I don't think there's much to interpret.  She's angry--about any number of

things, not necessarily what she said she is angry about--and she is taking it

out on you.  She says what she feels in that partcular moment, which is not how

she feels at another moment. 

What I thnk is interesting is that she says she is an abusive parent.  She said

this in a moment when she was feeling like a bad parent, but I wonder if it also

indicates that deep down, she knows what she has done to you.  Bpds will do this

sometimes.  It is like a little bit of truth slips out every once in a while and

they don't even realize.

What she really wants is for her feelings to be seen.  She starts off with

" b*tch " (towards you) and ends with b*tch in reference to herself.  It is not

about you hurting her.  It is that she feels bad and it is like that bad feeling

is rushing out of her and landing all over the place.  The problem is that she

cannot see herself, she can't see you as a separate person, and so feeling like

someone else sees her would be a pretty tough thing to do.  She wants you to see

her and how she is feeling, but I don't know that she would be able to tell that

she is being seen if you did see her.  I think what is really upsetting her is

the feeling that she isn't real and doesn't exist.

It must be tough to watch.  It must be even harder not to absorb her feelings

and to end up feeling bad yourself.

I used to have a friend with bpd (my opinion).  I felt very responsible for her

for several reasons and I felt guilty in the same way most of us feel for bpds

about not really being able to help her.  So, I would imagine her as a small

child coming to me and asking for comfort and in my mind, I would take her

gently by the hand and lead her out of my house and tell her to go find my

grown-up friend and to tell her because that is the only person who can help

her.  I did it every time I felt worried or guilty.

You could try something like that.  The only person who can really see or help

your mother is herself, but you end up carrying around her bad feelings for

her.  She probably feels fine by now--she purged her feelings by acting out--and

you are the one feeling angry, and hurt, and upset.  It doesn't help her--the

more she does this, the more she loses herself--and it is harmful to you to have

all of those toxic emotions.  I think you need walls--only your feelings should

be inside you--and you need the feelings that aren't yours to go outside and to

stay outside.  It is hard enough just managing your own emotions.

All the best,

Ashana

Check out the all-new face of Yahoo! India. Go to http://in.yahoo.com/

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I feel like we have all tried individually but we need a united front so

she can't latch on and attack us one by one. Also there has been ALOT of bad

reinforcement from the whole family. No one talks about it. We all give in to

her. My grandparents still support her.

I think a united front is the only option.

> >

> > My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of letters.

> >

> > The first one begins with:

> > " A B*tch

> > A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> > then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last gathering with

your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to thin to go. I

cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> > One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she is

feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> > Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my face to get

away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled with " SELFISH "

across it.

> > Finally I receive emails:

> > " I am on hiatus from your life.

> > I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I suppose it

was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would try something

I made, however the situation you made for the offering arrival caused my

participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You perpetuate my

familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is how I perceive

you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For you to not have

transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am not interested in

being around you, and that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin

is too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> > A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a party a

plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I forgive you

for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> > For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I would

prefer to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered. Eventually

I will forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me, that is a chance I

will take.

> > Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not arrive as a

selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting or you came by

it all by yourself.

> > PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in

violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother and

father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his colors.

Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> > Love,

> > Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

> >

> > And two seconds later it is

> > " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for

unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me,

because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is

bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> > Bye,

> > Mom "

> >

> > I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all she has

in the world but I can't take it.

> > I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her to be

willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at work. I am

falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am drowning.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Bridget,

This is a really wonderful group. I am so thankful.

You described it perfectly about being the sole focus of someone's life. She

even keeps tons of pictures of me all over her house and makes little shrines to

me (she even calls them that).

I do know that NC is not an option for me. I've made the decision to stand by

her and take care of her and I feel like it's something I have to do.

However hard it is I am sure I can be strong enough and find away.

Thank you!

> >

> > My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of letters.

> >

> > The first one begins with:

> > " A B*tch

> > A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> > then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last gathering with

your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to thin to go. I

cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> > One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she is

feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> > Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my face to get

away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled with " SELFISH "

across it.

> > Finally I receive emails:

> > " I am on hiatus from your life.

> > I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I suppose it

was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would try something

I made, however the situation you made for the offering arrival caused my

participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You perpetuate my

familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is how I perceive

you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For you to not have

transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am not interested in

being around you, and that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin

is too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> > A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a party a

plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I forgive you

for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> > For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I would

prefer to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered. Eventually

I will forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me, that is a chance I

will take.

> > Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not arrive as a

selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting or you came by

it all by yourself.

> > PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in

violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother and

father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his colors.

Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> > Love,

> > Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

> >

> > And two seconds later it is

> > " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for

unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me,

because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is

bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> > Bye,

> > Mom "

> >

> > I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all she has

in the world but I can't take it.

> > I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her to be

willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at work. I am

falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am drowning.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

In no way are any of us suggesting that you have NC with your nada. Some people

feel that it is what they had to do to live a healthy life. What works for one

cannot work for the other.

I am sorry that you feel the need to maintain this unhealthy relationship.

Clearly this is an abusive relationship and I completely relate to how hard it

is to accept that fact. We have all been there. Maybe this support group is not

for you. You did say that you made the decision to stand by her. That is very

noble of you and you are being a great daughter. However, you are also choosing

to stay in an unhealthy relationship and if you are thinking that things will

change on their own, they will not.

I hope you find the peace you are looking for. You are a terrific daughter and

any of us would be lucky enough to have someone like you to stand by us.

AJ

> > >

> > > My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of letters.

> > >

> > > The first one begins with:

> > > " A B*tch

> > > A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> > > then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last gathering

with your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to thin to

go. I cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> > > One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she is

feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> > > Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my face to

get away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled with

" SELFISH " across it.

> > > Finally I receive emails:

> > > " I am on hiatus from your life.

> > > I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I suppose

it was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would try

something I made, however the situation you made for the offering arrival caused

my participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You perpetuate my

familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is how I perceive

you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For you to not have

transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am not interested in

being around you, and that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin

is too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> > > A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a party a

plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I forgive you

for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> > > For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I would

prefer to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered. Eventually

I will forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me, that is a chance I

will take.

> > > Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not arrive as

a selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting or you came

by it all by yourself.

> > > PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in

violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother and

father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his colors.

Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> > > Love,

> > > Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

> > >

> > > And two seconds later it is

> > > " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for

unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me,

because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is

bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> > > Bye,

> > > Mom "

> > >

> > > I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all she

has in the world but I can't take it.

> > > I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her to be

willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at work. I am

falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am drowning.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

the picture shrine thing is freaky!!!

we have talked about that in this group before. a few months back.

a lot of the BPDs have a wierd obsession with pictures!

Subject: Re: Interpreting her letters

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, March 17, 2009, 5:57 PM

Thanks Bridget,

This is a really wonderful group. I am so thankful.

You described it perfectly about being the sole focus of someone's life. She

even keeps tons of pictures of me all over her house and makes little shrines to

me (she even calls them that).

I do know that NC is not an option for me. I've made the decision to stand by

her and take care of her and I feel like it's something I have to do.

However hard it is I am sure I can be strong enough and find away.

Thank you!

> >

> > My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of letters.

> >

> > The first one begins with:

> > " A B*tch

> > A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> > then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last gathering with

your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to thin to go. I

cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> > One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she is

feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> > Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my face to get

away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled with " SELFISH "

across it.

> > Finally I receive emails:

> > " I am on hiatus from your life.

> > I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I suppose it

was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would try something

I made, however the situation you made for the offering arrival caused my

participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You perpetuate my

familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is how I perceive

you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For you to not have

transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am not interested in

being around you, and that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin is

too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> > A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a party a

plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I forgive you

for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> > For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I would prefer

to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered. Eventually I will

forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me, that is a chance I will

take.

> > Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not arrive as a

selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting or you came by

it all by yourself.

> > PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in

violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother and

father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his colors.

Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> > Love,

> > Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

> >

> > And two seconds later it is

> > " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for

unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me,

because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is

bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> > Bye,

> > Mom "

> >

> > I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all she has

in the world but I can't take it.

> > I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her to be

willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at work. I am

falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am drowning.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Please don't miss understand. I completely agree that it is often best to go NC.

It is important for one's personal well being.

I hope that my decision to stay in contact doesn't mean I can't participate in

this group. It really really has already helped.

I am just looking for support. I understand the repercussions of my choice and

that it is my choice.

I just want people who have gone through similar things to talk about it with.

> > > >

> > > > My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of letters.

> > > >

> > > > The first one begins with:

> > > > " A B*tch

> > > > A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> > > > then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last gathering

with your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to thin to

go. I cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> > > > One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she is

feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> > > > Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my face to

get away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled with

" SELFISH " across it.

> > > > Finally I receive emails:

> > > > " I am on hiatus from your life.

> > > > I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I

suppose it was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would try

something I made, however the situation you made for the offering arrival caused

my participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You perpetuate my

familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is how I perceive

you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For you to not have

transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am not interested in

being around you, and that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin

is too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> > > > A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a party a

plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I forgive you

for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> > > > For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I would

prefer to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered. Eventually

I will forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me, that is a chance I

will take.

> > > > Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not arrive

as a selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting or you

came by it all by yourself.

> > > > PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in

violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother and

father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his colors.

Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> > > > Love,

> > > > Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

> > > >

> > > > And two seconds later it is

> > > > " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for

unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me,

because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is

bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> > > > Bye,

> > > > Mom "

> > > >

> > > > I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all she

has in the world but I can't take it.

> > > > I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her to

be willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at work. I

am falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am drowning.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I am new here too. I still have contact with my mom. Am I in the wrong place?

Does anyone know of another group that is more appropriate? Thanks

Re: Interpreting her letters

Please don't miss understand. I completely agree that it is often best to go

NC. It is important for one's personal well being.

I hope that my decision to stay in contact doesn't mean I can't participate in

this group. It really really has already helped.

I am just looking for support. I understand the repercussions of my choice and

that it is my choice.

I just want people who have gone through similar things to talk about it with.

> > > >

> > > > My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of letters.

> > > >

> > > > The first one begins with:

> > > > " A B*tch

> > > > A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> > > > then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last gathering

with your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to thin to

go. I cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> > > > One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she

is feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> > > > Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my face

to get away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled with

" SELFISH " across it.

> > > > Finally I receive emails:

> > > > " I am on hiatus from your life.

> > > > I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I

suppose it was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would try

something I made, however the situation you made for the offering arrival caused

my participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You perpetuate my

familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is how I perceive

you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For you to not have

transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am not interested in

being around you, and that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin is

too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> > > > A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a party

a plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I forgive

you for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> > > > For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I would

prefer to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered. Eventually

I will forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me, that is a chance I

will take.

> > > > Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not

arrive as a selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting or

you came by it all by yourself.

> > > > PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in

violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother and

father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his colors.

Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> > > > Love,

> > > > Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

> > > >

> > > > And two seconds later it is

> > > > " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for

unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me,

because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is

bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> > > > Bye,

> > > > Mom "

> > > >

> > > > I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all

she has in the world but I can't take it.

> > > > I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her to

be willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at work. I

am falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am drowning.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I remember reading that a key trait of bpds is that when a person is not

standing right there in front of them, even if its a dear loved one, that person

ceases to exist for the bpd. " The inability to conjure up (mental)

representations of absent others (object inconstancy) " Maybe pd individuals

actually need lots of photos to remind them that other people exist?

My nada has actually announced that she does not believe that certain events

happened (that she attended with us) because there are no photos of them. She

claims Sister and I are lying about having visited her a couple of Christmases

ago, because there are no photos.

Of course, that could be partly due to senile dementia setting in, but, I find

the whole thing about needing photos to make things " real " for bpds fascinating.

Now that I think about it, a woman I used to be friends with had an obsession

with photos, but what she had were " shrines " of photos of *herself* all around

her house. She has a lot of narcissistic traits, and bpd traits, which is why I

found myself pulling away from her. I was waking up to how dysfunctional my

relationship with my bpd/n-mom was, and I recognized a similar dynamic in my

friendship with this woman and decided it wasn't healthy. When I broke off our

friendship, she stalked me on the Internet for over 3 years!

So yes, there does seem to be some kind of a connection between " Cluster B " pds

and lots and lots of photos everywhere; or it could be just a weird coincidence,

I suppose.

-Annie

> > >

> > > My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of letters.

> > >

> > > The first one begins with:

> > > " A B*tch

> > > A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> > > then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last gathering

with your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to thin to

go. I cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> > > One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she is

feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> > > Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my face to

get away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled with

" SELFISH " across it.

> > > Finally I receive emails:

> > > " I am on hiatus from your life.

> > > I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I suppose

it was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would try

something I made, however the situation you made for the offering arrival caused

my participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You perpetuate my

familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is how I perceive

you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For you to not have

transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am not interested in

being around you, and that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin is

too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> > > A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a party a

plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I forgive you

for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> > > For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I would

prefer to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered. Eventually

I will forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me, that is a chance I

will take.

> > > Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not arrive as

a selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting or you came by

it all by yourself.

> > > PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in

violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother and

father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his colors.

Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> > > Love,

> > > Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

> > >

> > > And two seconds later it is

> > > " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for

unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me,

because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is

bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> > > Bye,

> > > Mom "

> > >

> > > I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all she

has in the world but I can't take it.

> > > I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her to be

willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at work. I am

falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am drowning.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

there is a combo of people here.

contact & nc.

 

we all understand eachothers views

Subject: Re: Interpreting her letters

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, March 17, 2009, 6:50 PM

Please don't miss understand. I completely agree that it is often best to go NC.

It is important for one's personal well being.

I hope that my decision to stay in contact doesn't mean I can't participate in

this group. It really really has already helped.

I am just looking for support. I understand the repercussions of my choice and

that it is my choice.

I just want people who have gone through similar things to talk about it with.

> > > >

> > > > My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of letters.

> > > >

> > > > The first one begins with:

> > > > " A B*tch

> > > > A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> > > > then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last gathering

with your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to thin to

go. I cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> > > > One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she is

feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> > > > Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my face to

get away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled with

" SELFISH " across it.

> > > > Finally I receive emails:

> > > > " I am on hiatus from your life.

> > > > I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I

suppose it was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would try

something I made, however the situation you made for the offering arrival caused

my participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You perpetuate my

familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is how I perceive

you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For you to not have

transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am not interested in

being around you, and that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin is

too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> > > > A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a party a

plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I forgive you

for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> > > > For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I would

prefer to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered. Eventually

I will forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me, that is a chance I

will take.

> > > > Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not arrive

as a selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting or you came

by it all by yourself.

> > > > PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in

violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother and

father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his colors.

Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> > > > Love,

> > > > Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

> > > >

> > > > And two seconds later it is

> > > > " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for

unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me,

because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is

bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> > > > Bye,

> > > > Mom "

> > > >

> > > > I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all she

has in the world but I can't take it.

> > > > I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her to

be willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at work. I

am falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am drowning.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

We all understand and are here for you when you need us!! This has helped me

tremendously, as well. We are all in the same situation.

AJ

> > > > >

> > > > > My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of letters.

> > > > >

> > > > > The first one begins with:

> > > > > " A B*tch

> > > > > A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> > > > > then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last gathering

with your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to thin to

go. I cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> > > > > One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she

is feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> > > > > Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my face

to get away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled with

" SELFISH " across it.

> > > > > Finally I receive emails:

> > > > > " I am on hiatus from your life.

> > > > > I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I

suppose it was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would try

something I made, however the situation you made for the offering arrival caused

my participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You perpetuate my

familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is how I perceive

you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For you to not have

transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am not interested in

being around you, and that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin

is too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> > > > > A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a party

a plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I forgive

you for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> > > > > For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I would

prefer to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered. Eventually

I will forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me, that is a chance I

will take.

> > > > > Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not

arrive as a selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting or

you came by it all by yourself.

> > > > > PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in

violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother and

father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his colors.

Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> > > > > Love,

> > > > > Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

> > > > >

> > > > > And two seconds later it is

> > > > > " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for

unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me,

because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is

bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> > > > > Bye,

> > > > > Mom "

> > > > >

> > > > > I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all

she has in the world but I can't take it.

> > > > > I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her to

be willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at work. I

am falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am drowning.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I also have contact with my mom as well, but I have found this group very

helpful. Any help is needed!

> > > > >

> > > > > My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of

letters.

> > > > >

> > > > > The first one begins with:

> > > > > " A B*tch

> > > > > A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> > > > > then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last

gathering with your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to

thin to go. I cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> > > > > One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she

is feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> > > > > Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my

face to get away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled

with " SELFISH " across it.

> > > > > Finally I receive emails:

> > > > > " I am on hiatus from your life.

> > > > > I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I

suppose it was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would try

something I made, however the situation you made for the offering arrival caused

my participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You perpetuate my

familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is how I perceive

you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For you to not have

transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am not interested in

being around you, and that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin is

too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> > > > > A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a

party a plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I

forgive you for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> > > > > For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I

would prefer to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered.

Eventually I will forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me, that is

a chance I will take.

> > > > > Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not

arrive as a selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting or

you came by it all by yourself.

> > > > > PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in

violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother and

father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his colors.

Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> > > > > Love,

> > > > > Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

> > > > >

> > > > > And two seconds later it is

> > > > > " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for

unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me,

because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is

bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> > > > > Bye,

> > > > > Mom "

> > > > >

> > > > > I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all

she has in the world but I can't take it.

> > > > > I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her

to be willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at

work. I am falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am

drowning.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

lilmissducky, I know the drowning feeling and I feel sooo bad for you.

Living next door makes it pretty impossible for you to escape long

enough to catch your breath. My bpd mom is 62 and has no interest in

even considering that she needs professional help - I wish I had some

promising examples of her getting help but I don't. I have started to

realize that I have to take care of myself which is harder than it seems

for those of us with bpd parents! I did start reading Emotional

Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry. If you haven't read

it, you might want to pick it up at the library. Codependent No More

by Melody Beattie is also really good. It doesn't change the bpd mom's

continual manipulation but it does give hope that we may reach a point

that we aren't completely controlled by their behaviors and abuse. Good

Luck to you. I would probably try to ignore as much inappropriate

writings as possible! The trash can is nice - but I also ripped mine

into a million pieces so I wouldn't be tempted to just re-read it and go

crazy!

>

> My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of letters.

>

> The first one begins with:

> " A B*tch

> A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last gathering

with your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to

thin to go. I cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she

is feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my face

to get away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled

with " SELFISH " across it.

> Finally I receive emails:

> " I am on hiatus from your life.

> I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I

suppose it was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father

would try something I made, however the situation you made for the

offering arrival caused my participation to not have an opportunity to

be valued. You perpetuate my familial disrespect. I do not want to see

you because that is how I perceive you. As far as I am concerned- That

was so unfair of you! For you to not have transported my offering, I am

still angry about that. I am not interested in being around you, and

that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin is too thin. I

do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a party

a plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I

forgive you for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I would

prefer to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered.

Eventually I will forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me,

that is a chance I will take.

> Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not

arrive as a selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty

parenting or you came by it all by yourself.

> PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in

violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive

mother and father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not

shown his colors. Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> Love,

> Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

>

> And two seconds later it is

> " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for

unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to

me, because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know

that is bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> Bye,

> Mom "

>

> I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all

she has in the world but I can't take it.

> I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her to

be willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at

work. I am falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am

drowning.

>

[Guest guest]

I have been here for nearly a year now, and I am again in contact with my

bpd/n-mom. I know that others here are in contact with (or in limited contact)

with their nadas (bpd-moms). This group is for all non-bpd adult kids of

bpd-parents, no matter what your level of contact is with them.

Each person has to figure out what degree of contact (including temporary or

permanent non-contact) will work for them, individually.

I and my Sister went no-contact with our nada for about 6 months in a effort to

force nada to go into therapy, learn to self-monitor and show improved behavior

towards us. Nada complied, went into therapy and " miraculously " transformed

into an angelic, sweet little old lady.

However, our nada is very good at being charming and sweet for limited periods

of time when she wants to, but I have no illusions that this behavior is either

genuine or permanent. It never has been in the past.

What going no-contact with nada *did* do that was real and good, was to give my

Sister a badly-needed six-month hiatus from nada's constant carping criticism

and soul-shriveling disrespect. Nada treated her younger child like a

dim-witted servant instead of like a beloved daughter, and after ten years of

that kind of abuse my Sister was growing more and more depressed.

Sister and nada are seeing the same psychiatrist, but separately. (Although they

did have one joint session, a few weeks ago.) He's given Sister lots of tools to

use to counteract our nada's manipulative, abusive behaviors. So when nada

inevitably starts in again with her more typical behaviors (insults, criticisms,

negative comparisons, whining, manipulating, etc.) Sister is now armed with the

tools and the permission, as it were, to use them to defend herself. I live far

away from nada and only have phone contact with her, that's my main defensive

tool.

It took six months of no-contact to convince nada that we meant business and

were perfectly prepared to remain in no-contact as long as nada failed to comply

with the ultimatum. It must have finally penetrated the bpd-distorted synapses

in nada's brain that Sister and I have time on our side and can outlast nada in

a stubborn-contest, and nada feared psychiatric treatment less than she feared

permanent emotional abandonment by her adult children, apparently.

So, again, each person has to figure out what will work for her own situation.

We share our experiences here so others can see what might be applicable to

their own relationship.

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of

letters.

> > > > >

> > > > > The first one begins with:

> > > > > " A B*tch

> > > > > A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> > > > > then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last

gathering with your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to

thin to go. I cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> > > > > One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she

is feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> > > > > Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my

face to get away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled

with " SELFISH " across it.

> > > > > Finally I receive emails:

> > > > > " I am on hiatus from your life.

> > > > > I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I

suppose it was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would try

something I made, however the situation you made for the offering arrival caused

my participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You perpetuate my

familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is how I perceive

you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For you to not have

transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am not interested in

being around you, and that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin is

too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> > > > > A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a

party a plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I

forgive you for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> > > > > For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I

would prefer to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered.

Eventually I will forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me, that is

a chance I will take.

> > > > > Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not

arrive as a selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting or

you came by it all by yourself.

> > > > > PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in

violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother and

father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his colors.

Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> > > > > Love,

> > > > > Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

> > > > >

> > > > > And two seconds later it is

> > > > > " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for

unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me,

because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is

bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> > > > > Bye,

> > > > > Mom "

> > > > >

> > > > > I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all

she has in the world but I can't take it.

> > > > > I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her

to be willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at

work. I am falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am

drowning.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I found a valuable information and helpful techniques in the book

 

How to Hug a Porcupine

 

this books supports staying in contact and ways to set boundaries so I can keep

my emotional self intact.  I highly recommend this book as a guideline.

 

blessings, mg

[Guest guest]

my nada has a " picture shrine " too! It scares me.

Now that you've decided that it is not an option for you to go NC (I'm not NC

either, but I am low contact with mine), I really believe that you need to be

careful how much of your heart and soul you put into trying to fix your mother -

it will be wasted energy until she lifts a finger to try and help herself.

I understand that in our culture, it is really important to honour and look

after our parents, which makes it harder for people's parents who ask too much

of them, like ours. I understand why you would still want to look out for your

own mother, but I would honestly also be asking you what you need and how to

strike a balance so that caretaking nada does not cost you too much. I sincerely

think the balance of the way things are at the moment is too much for you to do

for nada and still find joy, fulfillment and your individuality.

> > >

> > > My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of letters.

> > >

> > > The first one begins with:

> > > " A B*tch

> > > A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> > > then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last gathering

with your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to thin to

go. I cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> > > One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she is

feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> > > Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my face to

get away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled with

" SELFISH " across it.

> > > Finally I receive emails:

> > > " I am on hiatus from your life.

> > > I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I suppose

it was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would try

something I made, however the situation you made for the offering arrival caused

my participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You perpetuate my

familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is how I perceive

you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For you to not have

transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am not interested in

being around you, and that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin

is too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> > > A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a party a

plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I forgive you

for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> > > For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I would

prefer to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered. Eventually

I will forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me, that is a chance I

will take.

> > > Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not arrive as

a selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting or you came

by it all by yourself.

> > > PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in

violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother and

father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his colors.

Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> > > Love,

> > > Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

> > >

> > > And two seconds later it is

> > > " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for

unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me,

because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is

bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> > > Bye,

> > > Mom "

> > >

> > > I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all she

has in the world but I can't take it.

> > > I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her to be

willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at work. I am

falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am drowning.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Duckie,

I thought I was strong enough to help half my family over their " rough patches "

(okay, just my mom, step-dad, and cousin, while also starting to care for

cousin's young daughter) and deal with the constant chaos and bouts of grief

from my grandnada (who at least doesn't need any sort of financial hand-up, like

others in my family did). After all, I pretty much raised myself from age 6,

did well enough in school despite being moved 25 times by age 16 to get

scholarships to cover tuition for college, grad school, and law school. I suck

up adversity, stay positive, keep moving forward, and get things done. That's

who I am.

In the past few years, I've realized that the family's issues are too big for me

to help them through - despite a few financial boosts, mom and step-dad keeping

relapsing back to their addictions and quasi-homelessness living in a motel (and

both have a LOT of BPD traits), and cousin has addiction and mental health

issues, one of which I suspect may be BPD and/or Antisocial PD. I've since

adopted her daughter. Her older sister has also gotten closer to me since I

moved to their area, and disclosed that she had a BPD diagnosis on top of

bipolar and

And I also learned the hard way that I was NOT that strong. After various

physical symptoms I'd dealt with off and on for 10 to 15 years worsened (acid

reflux, double vision, numbness and tingling in my limbs, periods of difficulty

focusing mentally, problems articulating speech, back pain, wild appetite

fluctuation from zero to BIG and back) and I developed insomnia, headaches 3x

per week and finally chest pains, I finally got checked out, and it appears that

all of the phsyical symptoms were primarily due to chronic stress. I've also

started experiencing periods of extremely high anxiety more frequently - I'm

still grappling with extracting myself from my family's unhealthy enmeshment,

developing healthy boundaries with my mom, and figuring out what to do about my

grandnada, who's been stalking me.

It makes sense in a weird way that stress would have come out as physical issues

- I've long been the rock, the fixer, the survivor. It wasn't acceptable for me

to be emotionally fragile or stressed, so I pushed it down for a very long time.

I didn't always recognize that I was experiencing those things. But they had to

come out somehow.

Keep an eye on your physical well-being as well as your emotional state. Your

stress may be like mine long was and may come out in ways other than feeling

overwhelmed or anxious.

Take care of yourself first. You do NOT have an obligation to sacrifice of your

own life and your own opportunities for happiness to take care of your mom. And

you do not have an obligation to do this just because you decided at some point

along the line that she was your responsibility. ESPECIALLY since she has

probably been giving you the message that you were responsible for her

well-being since you were very young (which I fear may be the case).

Even though she is mentally ill, she is her own responsibility, not yours. You

might be surprised how resourceful she got if she didn't have you to lean for

financial support on any more. Sounds like she hasn't worked steadily since you

were 17 years old. But she did for periods before then?

I was a little concerned about your description about your disappointment

because an ex wasn't able to weather your mom's lashing out at him (I'm pretty

sure that was you - hopefully I'm not mixing up posters). That is a lot to ask

of anybody, and it is very unlikely that a healthy person would agree to have

someone who behaves like your mom be a significant person in their life (and if

she has her ways of getting their phone numbers and harassing them, and if

you're planning to continue living next door to her, it doesn't sound like your

SOs have any chance to maintain some distance). If you choose to take care of

your mom, it could cost you some otherwise very positive relationships.

I hope I'm not sounding like I'm trying to tell you what you should do. But I

hope that you feel encouraged to protect yourself and choose to live your life

in the way that will maximize your happiness - what that looks like is up to you

to decide.

Everyone has their own path in life and their own path to healing. It is up to

you to choose yours, as it is up to me to choose mine (and honestly, through the

process of learning of BPD over the past 4 to 5 months and dealing with my

grandnada's escalations and my mom's boundary violations, my path definitely

isn't a straight one - sometimes it's a cloverleaf! =) )

If you haven't yet, check out Understanding the Borderline Mother by

Lawson (which, despite the primary title, is very focused on how growing up with

a BPD caretaker impacts her kids. It's pricey at $42, but get it if you can. I

also strongly recommend Surviving a Borderline Parent - I resisted actually

doing any of the exercises for close to a month, but it was extremely helpful

once I was ready for it (I've only done a few so far, though).

- gethappy

> > >

> > > My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of letters.

> > >

> > > The first one begins with:

> > > " A B*tch

> > > A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> > > then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last gathering

with your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to thin to

go. I cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> > > One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she is

feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> > > Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my face to

get away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled with

" SELFISH " across it.

> > > Finally I receive emails:

> > > " I am on hiatus from your life.

> > > I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I suppose

it was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would try

something I made, however the situation you made for the offering arrival caused

my participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You perpetuate my

familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is how I perceive

you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For you to not have

transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am not interested in

being around you, and that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin

is too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> > > A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a party a

plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I forgive you

for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> > > For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I would

prefer to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered. Eventually

I will forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me, that is a chance I

will take.

> > > Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not arrive as

a selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting or you came

by it all by yourself.

> > > PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in

violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother and

father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his colors.

Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> > > Love,

> > > Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

> > >

> > > And two seconds later it is

> > > " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for

unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me,

because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is

bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> > > Bye,

> > > Mom "

> > >

> > > I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all she

has in the world but I can't take it.

> > > I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her to be

willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at work. I am

falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am drowning.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

okay I keep seeing everyone say NC and i don't have that word in my BPD

vocab list so can someone explain it to me ...? does it mean No Contact?

-Cricket

> my nada has a " picture shrine " too! It scares me.

>

> Now that you've decided that it is not an option for you to go NC (I'm not

> NC either, but I am low contact with mine), I really believe that you need

> to be careful how much of your heart and soul you put into trying to fix

> your mother - it will be wasted energy until she lifts a finger to try and

> help herself.

>

> I understand that in our culture, it is really important to honour and look

> after our parents, which makes it harder for people's parents who ask too

> much of them, like ours. I understand why you would still want to look out

> for your own mother, but I would honestly also be asking you what you need

> and how to strike a balance so that caretaking nada does not cost you too

> much. I sincerely think the balance of the way things are at the moment is

> too much for you to do for nada and still find joy, fulfillment and your

> individuality.

>

>

> > > >

> > > > My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of letters.

>

> > > >

> > > > The first one begins with:

> > > > " A B*tch

> > > > A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> > > > then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last

> gathering with your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin

> is to thin to go. I cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> > > > One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she

> is feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> > > > Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my face

> to get away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled with

> " SELFISH " across it.

> > > > Finally I receive emails:

> > > > " I am on hiatus from your life.

> > > > I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I

> suppose it was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would

> try something I made, however the situation you made for the offering

> arrival caused my participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You

> perpetuate my familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is

> how I perceive you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For

> you to not have transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am

> not interested in being around you, and that does not have to do with you,

> but with me. My skin is too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as

> I do. I am my own fool.

> > > > A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a party

> a plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I

> forgive you for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> > > > For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I would

> prefer to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered.

> Eventually I will forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me,

> that is a chance I will take.

> > > > Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not

> arrive as a selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting

> or you came by it all by yourself.

> > > > PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in

> violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother

> and father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his

> colors. Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> > > > Love,

> > > > Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

> > > >

> > > > And two seconds later it is

> > > > " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for

> unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me,

> because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is

> bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> > > > Bye,

> > > > Mom "

> > > >

> > > > I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all

> she has in the world but I can't take it.

> > > > I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her

> to be willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at

> work. I am falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am

> drowning.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

yes

> > > > >

> > > > > My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of letters.

> >

> > > > >

> > > > > The first one begins with:

> > > > > " A B*tch

> > > > > A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> > > > > then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last

> > gathering with your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin

> > is to thin to go. I cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> > > > > One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she

> > is feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> > > > > Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my face

> > to get away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled with

> > " SELFISH " across it.

> > > > > Finally I receive emails:

> > > > > " I am on hiatus from your life.

> > > > > I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I

> > suppose it was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would

> > try something I made, however the situation you made for the offering

> > arrival caused my participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You

> > perpetuate my familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is

> > how I perceive you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For

> > you to not have transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am

> > not interested in being around you, and that does not have to do with you,

> > but with me. My skin is too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as

> > I do. I am my own fool.

> > > > > A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a party

> > a plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I

> > forgive you for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> > > > > For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I would

> > prefer to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered.

> > Eventually I will forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me,

> > that is a chance I will take.

> > > > > Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not

> > arrive as a selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting

> > or you came by it all by yourself.

> > > > > PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in

> > violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother

> > and father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his

> > colors. Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> > > > > Love,

> > > > > Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

> > > > >

> > > > > And two seconds later it is

> > > > > " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for

> > unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me,

> > because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is

> > bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> > > > > Bye,

> > > > > Mom "

> > > > >

> > > > > I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all

> > she has in the world but I can't take it.

> > > > > I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her

> > to be willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at

> > work. I am falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am

> > drowning.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

adam (and duckie)

not everyone here is nc. it really depends on the individual and on the extent

of bpd in our parents (high functioning, completely crazy or somewhere in

between!). there are so many variations here, but most people understand all of

your dilemmas. some of us here have gone nc as for them it is the only way they

can cope. some have very limited contact and others, like you, feel a great deal

of responsibility. whatever you are doing it is ok and you will be accepted

here...

i think an earlier poster suggested that first up start setting boundaries. this

is really really important. do lots of reading of the books and websites that

people suggest here, and KEEP POSTING! i no longer post all that much, but i

still read all the posts. they help to keep me sane!

my mother is a high functioning bpd. my sister has been nc with her for almost a

decade. my brother and i have limited contact and have set very clear

boundaries. for example there are things we will not discuss with her (our

father who she divorced many many years ago), her family of origin (who she

doesn't speak to), our partners/relationships etc. it can be really hard. REALLY

hard. she will say the most outrageous things, but we manage to (mostly!) stay

calm, say 'i'm sorry you feel that way but i will not discuss this with you.' we

tell her we won't enter into correspondence if she sends shitty emails/letters

or whatever. we tell her to ring before she comes to visit to make sure it is a

convenient time for us (by the way that was a hard boundary to set up - she was

frosty and awful to me for a year afterwards).

if you are the adult child of a bpd this IS the group for you!

keep posting! tell your story because we want to hear adn we do understand!

cheers

bridget

> > > > >

> > > > > My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream of

letters.

> > > > >

> > > > > The first one begins with:

> > > > > " A B*tch

> > > > > A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> > > > > then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be your last

gathering with your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin is to

thin to go. I cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> > > > > One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next it is that she

is feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> > > > > Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming in my

face to get away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled

with " SELFISH " across it.

> > > > > Finally I receive emails:

> > > > > " I am on hiatus from your life.

> > > > > I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late. Thus I

suppose it was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father would try

something I made, however the situation you made for the offering arrival caused

my participation to not have an opportunity to be valued. You perpetuate my

familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that is how I perceive

you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you! For you to not have

transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am not interested in

being around you, and that does not have to do with you, but with me. My skin is

too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it as I do. I am my own fool.

> > > > > A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not attend a

party a plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I

forgive you for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> > > > > For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from you. I

would prefer to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered.

Eventually I will forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me, that is

a chance I will take.

> > > > > Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit did not

arrive as a selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty parenting or

you came by it all by yourself.

> > > > > PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand on you in

violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother and

father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his colors.

Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> > > > > Love,

> > > > > Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone mode. "

> > > > >

> > > > > And two seconds later it is

> > > > > " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will qualify for

unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to me,

because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is

bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> > > > > Bye,

> > > > > Mom "

> > > > >

> > > > > I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know I am all

she has in the world but I can't take it.

> > > > > I don't even know where to start. I am still just trying to get her

to be willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not focusing at

work. I am falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am

drowning.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

yes,

nc =

no contact

> my nada has a " picture shrine " too! It scares me.

>

> Now that you've decided that it is not an option for you to go NC

(I'm not

> NC either, but I am low contact with mine), I really believe that you need

> to be careful how much of your heart and soul you put into trying to fix

> your mother - it will be wasted energy until she lifts a finger to try and

> help herself.

>

> I understand that in our culture, it is really important to honour and

look

> after our parents, which makes it harder for people's parents who ask

too

> much of them, like ours. I understand why you would still want to look out

> for your own mother, but I would honestly also be asking you what you need

> and how to strike a balance so that caretaking nada does not cost you too

> much. I sincerely think the balance of the way things are at the moment is

> too much for you to do for nada and still find joy, fulfillment and your

> individuality.

>

>

> > > >

> > > > My Nada, in one of her serious fits just sent me a stream

of letters.

>

> > > >

> > > > The first one begins with:

> > > > " A B*tch

> > > > A person who belittles another person's offering. "

> > > > then concludes with " Have a good time. This may be

your last

> gathering with your grandfather conscious... Count your blessings. My skin

> is to thin to go. I cannot dodge any barbs - you can see that "

> > > > One second it's that I am a bitch and wrong. The next

it is that she

> is feeling fragile because her father is dying.

> > > > Then after a hysterical fit, suicide threat, and screaming

in my face

> to get away from her. I find on my windshield a piece of paper scrawled

with

> " SELFISH " across it.

> > > > Finally I receive emails:

> > > > " I am on hiatus from your life.

> > > > I paid $$ to have my offering delivered- it came too late.

Thus I

> suppose it was mainly not eaten. Naturally I would not think my father

would

> try something I made, however the situation you made for the offering

> arrival caused my participation to not have an opportunity to be valued.

You

> perpetuate my familial disrespect. I do not want to see you because that

is

> how I perceive you. As far as I am concerned- That was so unfair of you!

For

> you to not have transported my offering, I am still angry about that. I am

> not interested in being around you, and that does not have to do with you,

> but with me. My skin is too thin. I do not see life like you do. I see it

as

> I do. I am my own fool.

> > > > A thoughtful person may have made a person who did not

attend a party

> a plate of food to enjoy, but you do not think of things like that. I

> forgive you for that. Not that you need my forgiveness.

> > > > For now I do not wan to see you, speak to you, hear from

you. I would

> prefer to be left alone. I perceive you as selfish and self centered.

> Eventually I will forget I am angry. By then you may not want to see me,

> that is a chance I will take.

> > > > Know that I will always love you, and I know your spirit

did not

> arrive as a selfish person- but more the opposite. You had faulty

parenting

> or you came by it all by yourself.

> > > > PS, If your boyfriend has a flip side and ever lays a hand

on you in

> violence, please leave him and do not go back. You have an abusive mother

> and father so it is possible you will pick an abuser who has not shown his

> colors. Sometimes it takes months for bad behavior to surface.

> > > > Love,

> > > > Mom -- Who is currently in full bitch and leave me alone

mode. "

> > > >

> > > > And two seconds later it is

> > > > " Ask if you can be laid off to go to school? You will

qualify for

> unemployment and you may also get food stamps maybe. Or do not listen to

me,

> because I am foolish and not worthy or a good idea. However I know that is

> bullshit and I am smarter than you know.

> > > > Bye,

> > > > Mom "

> > > >

> > > > I live next door to her, I bought the house because I know

I am all

> she has in the world but I can't take it.

> > > > I don't even know where to start. I am still just

trying to get her

> to be willing to get diagnosed but she won't get help. I am not

focusing at

> work. I am falling further into my own depression. I am desperate. I am

> drowning.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>