Re: Desperate

[Guest guest]

hang in there....my heart goes out to you - Can't you try another doctor that

will help you.   I would try different ones until I got one that helped me.   

Good luck

________________________________

> wrote:

>What did I do to deserve this? Is this some kind of sign that I was

being lazy before? Because I get it! I WANT to do more, but I had to

have my mom pull my pants up when I went to the bathroom at the ER, and

she has to come over and do a lot of my housework now! I do not enjoy

that!

WHAT DO I DO???

[Guest guest]

>Kris wrote:

>What did I do to deserve this? Is this some kind of sign that I was

being lazy before? Because I get it! I WANT to do more, but I had to

have my mom pull my pants up when I went to the bathroom at the ER, and she has

to come over and do a lot of my housework now! I do not enjoy that!

WHAT DO I DO???

--------------

Kris,

First and foremost you cannot compare yourself to others and there pain by

thinking that your pain is somehow greater than another's is. You need to learn

that you're not alone and the pain you suffer with wasn't given to you by God.

You need to learn that bad things happen to good people for no reason at all.

It just happens without forethought. There wasn't any grand plan that you alone

should suffer, just chalk it up to " Shit Happens " .

In doing so you will release the built up anger you hold because you have this

premise to blame for your condition when really there isn't.

You also need to start taking better charge of your medical care if the doctor

isn't performing than " Fire-Him, " Find one that is understanding to your

condition and will provide you the care you need.

Oh and you stated in your message that you spent your last 10 dollars on Vodka.

In the " Pain Management world that will get you kicked out and " Black Balled For

Ever " for mixing Drugs and Alcohol.

I understand your reasoning for it trying to keep the " Genie in the bottle " but

that road will only leave you without care.

Each person and their pain is a special case and treated accordingly. You are no

more special than the last person the doctor saw before you. This wasn't your

fault that it happened. It just did.

It is a good thing to have your mother helping you, think of it as a bonding

period. I live 5 hours away from my mother and father I am 44 years old and

would love to chat with my Mom while she cleaned my home or just sat and talked.

Learn to take the Negative and LOOK at it as a Positive Find the right doctor

and the medicine, but don't ever be-little others, thinking your pain is somehow

greater than theirs, because that will never be.

Rob

Retired Military

New York

[Guest guest]

Kris wrote:

> I don't see how anyone who has migraines or cancer or anything can

> be in worse pain than this!

May you never find out the true pain of cancer or migraines.

You are in a lot of pain, but you can still be grateful that you don't

know how advancing cancer or migraines feel.

If you don't have a gratitude list, you can start one and put those two

items right at the top of your list.

Lyndi

[Guest guest]

Kris,

You will not gain weight if you refuse to make excuses for yourself and take

a more proactive approach to managing your pain. Also, try eating food that

will not cause weight gain.

Get out of the poor-poor-me phase of your blame-game, and stop acting like a

caged animal who cannot read, speak softly, or look to other things besides

drowning your pain out with chemicals.

When the doctors cut off your pain medicine, it never helps to scream for

more. That only shows them you do not plan on behaving yourself and learning

new strategies.

We are all trying to help, but you are not listening. Instead, you are

complaining more and throwing more problems at us than we can keep up with.

God bless your mother for all that she does for you. Your behavior is

probably breaking her heart.

Kris wrote:

> What did I do to deserve this? Is this some kind of sign that I was

> being lazy before? Because I get it! I WANT to do more, but I had to

> have my mom pull my pants up when I went to the bathroom at the ER, > and she

has to come over and do a lot of my housework now! I do not > enjoy that!

[Guest guest]

Kris wrote:

I keep telling God, " If this doesn't get better soon, then you better

take me now, because there's no way can I keep living like this " . It's

an agonizing long struggle of will trying to get off the couch or out of

bed when my brain is screaming at me that I can't move because of the

pain. I am sure the neighbors love hearing my loud cursing all the time.

------------------

Just one more thought; I often feel like this, too, asking (not telling) God

to cure me or kill me. It is often agonizing for me to get out of bed in the

morning, feed the cats, scoop the litterboxes, and make sure my husband has

a packed lunch to take to work.

All this before I start on my agonizing 30-second-at-a-time leg stretches,

as many as I can endure, which I do hate. My new pain doc thinks I don't

need pain medicine until bedtime. Then the medicine Opana is the only one he

will give me takes hours to start working. This regimen is not ideal at all,

but I refuse to give in to the pain which wants me to " curse loudly " .

I want to find a new doc and will keep looking. I have lived with this pain

for 12 years, so what is another day, week, month, or year?

I have not been through what you are living with, and cannot dare to know

how you feel. I do not mean to cause you more anxiety or be mean, either. I

just feel that your pain will be more manageable if you change the way you

are dealing with it.

[Guest guest]

Hi Kris,

Wow, I have so much I want to say! I will try to get it in one email.

First, and most importantly, it sounds from your emails that you are suffering

from depression. I, myself, have dealt with depression, and deal with it to

this day. Depression and chronic pain often appear together for obvious reason.

Do you have a psychiatrist? If so, I think it is time for a check up. If not,

please get one as soon as possible. If you need help finding one, let me know,

and I will help. You will not be able to get anything done until the depression

is under control. Trust me, I've been there.

Depression is a wicked beast, and will suck everything from you. I remember

days where I just couldn't muster the strength or the desire to pay and mail one

bill. ONE BILL! Considering you circumstances, it would not be surprising that

you are dealing with depression. Luckily, depression can be treated.

Second, don't mess with the booze. I know it is a quick fix, but it is a HUGE

mistake, as well as being very irresponsible. It is a very easy way to get

yourself in big trouble.

For example, let's say your pain skyrocketed tonight, and you HAD to go to the

ER. The ER doc smells alcohol on your breath, and does a blood test. Your pain

doctor is alerted to the results.

Now, most likely, the doctor would stop seeing you, immediately. Then, you

would be really screwed. No one, NO ONE, wants to touch a chronic pain patient

who is a drunk as well. That is a huge sign that the patient is drug/alcohol

abuser, and no doctor would want to risk their license on someone who is

irresponsible.

Plus, sweetie, you are just 24!!?? My goodness, you have so much to live for,

and the answer is not in a bottle of vodka. Also, do you know what could happen

if you mix meds? Really, stop drinking immediately. Pour the rest of the booze

down the drain.

Third, you did nothing to deserve the pain. Neither did I. Neither did anyone

on this board. It just happens. It sucks, big time.

Don't waste your time blaming God, or anyone for what happened. It happened,

the pain is there, and for now, it is not going away. Learn ways to deal with

the pain.

That is another point, that might be difficult to take. You cannot expect

narcotics to remove your pain entirely. They won't, and really shouldn't.

Taking enough narcotics to remove all your pain would render you a zombie, and

you don't want that. You need the pain levels down low enough that you can

employ other means of pain control.

There are many things you can do, from exercise like yoga and water aerobics, to

behavioral modification and therapy, to good old laughing and relaxing. I know

you are thinking " Yeah, Right " , but you CAN make it better. Laying around

wallowing in your misery is not doing you any good whatsoever, so you might as

well try.

I know it is difficult to do most everything when you hurt. And I know it isn't

fair. However, life is not fair. You are going to have to work harder than

everyone else. You are going to have to force yourself off the couch, and force

yourself to do something,

anything.

Heck, make yourself a giant salad, and divide it into 3 or 4 bowls. That would

be a great activity to get you up and around, and would also help you with the

weight issue.

You don't want to gain weight. For every one pound you gain, that is another 7

pounds on your joints, and you don't need that extra pain to deal with. There

are so many things you can do, if you need ideas, just let me know.

Lastly, I sent you an email through the group a few weeks ago, when you were

complaining about money. I wrote that I had many ideas for you, and that I earn

a rather comfortable living working from home.

No kidding, about 50 people on this list emailed me, except for you. I was

quite disappointed, as I really want to help you. My ideas are EASY - easy as

filling out an online survey about food!

I did one yesterday about dog food that paid me $10, and tomorrow I am doing a

30 minute online web focus group thing that pays me $50. That is easy money and

you can do it too.

Heck, you can do it from the couch if you have a laptop! I just want to see you

do something, anything, to help you get out of this rut you are stuck in.

In closing, know that no one is going to rescue you. No one is going to come to

your door, and offer to solve all your problems. No fairy will appear with a

magic wand to make your pain disappear. It's all on you sweetie, you're the

boss, and YOU must make it happen.

I know you are scared, alone, in pain, and tired. I know, I've been there. But

it is time you said " enough " ! You are just a baby at 24, you have your youth, a

blessing many here would love to have again. I don't know your medical history,

perhaps you could fill us in, but at 24, there must be something that can be

done.

I know back problems suck, but often that is due to it being degenerative, and

from years of working, or from an accident. There might be something you can

do. My ankle was smashed to bits in an auto accident, and I just met with a

surgeon who invented the artificial ankle. It might not work, but I am looking

for a solution. It gives me hope - and hope for the future. That is what you

need Kris, hope.

Sorry this is so long, I could probably go on all day! Just know that all of us

here on the list understand. We all suffer from pain too, just as much as you

do, if not more. We are all fighting the good fight, and are here for you. But

you need to try too. You can do it, I know you can. Ask for help, we will give

it. Just let us know what you need.

Keep your chin up, even though it is hard. Do just one thing today...different

that yesterday. Make something healthy to eat from scratch. Walk around the

block. Call an old friend from high school.

Look into taking an online class in nutrition, or something else that interests

you. Do you have any pets? If not, I would suggest getting one. Just ask

anyone...they help...a lot. A sweet kitten would make you feel a lot better.

I better get to bed, I am freaking exhausted. Please know that I may not know

you, and you don't know me, but I care about you. I want you to feel better,

stronger, and I want you to believe in yourself. I am willing to help, just let

me know how.

Regards,

[Guest guest]

I guess I have come to think that I deserve better treatment because that is how

I was raised. I never said I was more special than any other patient, I simply

said I am not getting NEARLY the level of pain management care as others are,

and I don't know why.

My mother has ALWAYS told me " Just put your foot down and demand that they (the

doctors) listen to you and do this " or " Just tell them you can't live like this

anymore and something has to be done! "

She is used to bullying her way into getting whatever she wants, and that is not

the way I am. I have been kissing the asses of my pain management team for

months trying to get my pain meds raised and now that I am in the worst pain I

have ever been in in my life, they are still not budging.

If they had listened to me 3 months ago when I told them all that really works

for me is Oxycontin, and if they had put me on a reasonable dose instead of the

lowest dose, then I might not be dying from pain right now.

But these are the most stubborn, mis-understanding, dis-compassionate people I

have ever worked with. It's not as simple as 'firing him' when it took me so

long to find a pain doctor in the first place.

It seems like there are NO understanding, compassionate doctors in my area who

are willing to work with me on the meds.

Also, I know God did not make this happen, but I have been begging and praying

for years and he has not taken my pain away either, it's only gotten much worse.

Which is why I wonder what I did to deserve this.

I was awake half the night and all morning crying and begging God to make the

pain stop and I could not get into a comfortable position for the life of me,

and it is still that way.

I called both of my doctors first thing this morning telling them my situation

of the sudden new nerve pain and that I need something for pain and an MRI ASAP

to find out what is going on, and I have not heard back from them at all.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

~*Kris