new member

[Guest guest]

I knew it sounded familiar, just couldn't place it. I am in nj now. My son

is pretty good, he has a mild case of ChARGE isf there is one. basically he

is blind in his left eye (prostethesis), bilateral hearing aides, his

hearing used to be pretty good two years ago no hearing aides, but with

continuous hear infections, cysts, etc he has lost more hearing,

developmental delays--fine and gross motor, processing problems, attention

issues, sensory issues, he wears orthotics on both legs, glasses to protect

his good eye, has speech problems.

he was attending regular first grade with a support teacher ot, pt, and

speech, but we found he was getting further and further behind, and not

getting all he needs, so next year he will be attending a school for the

deaf and hard of hearing--as long as all goes well next week when we visit.

he is 8 years old, (on Aug. 15) very smart and stubborn and loving,

extremely social--sometimes too much so, a real charmer, very much needs a

routine and sometimes resists change. skinny as a rail and growing taller

as we speak I think, although still now up to his peers. so, I guess that's

Timmy in a nutshell--if that can be done, sorry to be so long winded. Timmy

has gone through and is still going through alot, but not as much as some on

the list. good luck with your daughter.

I know there is one family in Rose HIll--near wichita, not sure if they are

still on the list,

good to meet you,

, mom to Timmy 8 --aug 15, keegan 5, liam 2.5 wife to pat

Re: New Member

> >

> > Where are you in Kansas? We are in Missouri. Martha

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

-

You will be at the conference with the whole family, right? I think I remember

Timmy from past conferences, but I look forward to meeting him again. He sounds

a lot like Aubrie.

Michele W

Aubrie's mom (5 yrs)

Re: New Member

> >

> > Where are you in Kansas? We are in Missouri. Martha

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Michele, yes, we will all be there. We are leaving early to do a mini

vacation before. look forward to seeing you.

maria

Re: New Member

> > >

> > > Where are you in Kansas? We are in Missouri. Martha

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

When your dad was in the car accident - before epilepsy and MS?

Had he a blood transfusion?

About a possible cause of epilepsy, MS and many other autoimmune

diseases and about possibility of preventing:

http://www.haptens.republika.pl/haptenology_en.html

<http://www.haptens.republika.pl/haptenology_en.html>

Please feel free to write me jerzygrzeszczuk@...

>

> Hello all, my name is and my dad was just diagnosied with MS

> after he has an episode of blurred vision and an MRI that showed

> demylenation. He is 50 years old. He was also diagnosied with

> epilepsy this year.

[Guest guest]

He starting passing out before the accident once or twice, then passed out while

driving which cause the accident - turns out the passing out were actually

seizures. So the epilepsy he had before the accident, but MS was diagnoised

after. I don't know for sure if he had a blood transfusion. i would imagine so

bc he had 4 different surgeries - and they postponed one surgery bc he had

jaundice. I never would have thought of a blood transfusion causing it. But I

know his dad had MS and my Aunt (his sister) has it as well.

To: mscured@...: jerzygrzeszczuk@...: Tue, 27 Nov 2007

06:17:51 +0000Subject: Re: New Member

Hi ,When your dad was in the car accident - before epilepsy and MS?Had he

a blood transfusion?About a possible cause of epilepsy, MS and many other

autoimmunediseases and about possibility of preventing:

http://www.haptens.republika.pl/haptenology_en.html<http://www.haptens.republika\

..pl/haptenology_en.html>Please feel free to write me jerzygrzeszczuk@...>> Hello all,

my name is and my dad was just diagnosied with MS> after he has an

episode of blurred vision and an MRI that showed> demylenation. He is 50 years

old. He was also diagnosied with> epilepsy this year.[Non-text portions of this

message have been removed]

_________________________________________________________________

You keep typing, we keep giving. Download Messenger and join the i’m Initiative

now.

http://im.live.com/messenger/im/home/?source=TAGLM

[Guest guest]

,

Please take your doctor's advice and go to a pain management doctor. They

specialize in helping your pain and would be the best source for the right

medications.

Lori

wrote:

I have inflamation in my lower spine and also fibromyalgia. my

doc wants me to go to a pain management doctor.

[Guest guest]

Hello , and welcome (unfortunately). I hope we can help you.

I agree that you should see a pain specialist. If you are not getting relief

from your current management, and your internist? suggests that, it implies that

he or she feels that you will get better care there.

Of course we cannot say what you should be on, other than that either more or

different so that you get more relief. The pain doctor will have to evaluate

the sequence of what you have tried, what doses you got to, why you had to stop,

and what has worked.

Therefore, in preparation for that visit it would be helpful if you sat down and

tried to piece together the timetable of what you took, etc. In that way you

can work together to slowly make changes, one thing at a time.

You should be able to get the names of physicians from your insurance carrier,

and/or from the major pain organizations. Perhaps someone can privately make a

recommendation if you are in a city one of the other members lives in.

Good luck,

Enid

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

My heart breaks every time I read someone else's story. My mother wasn't as

physically violent as yours, although she did have her moments. She was very

mentally and emotionally abusive. I too knew something was wrong with my mother,

but only just discovered she had BDP a couple of weeks ago. It has made me look

at my childhood and adult life in a different light...She just called while I

was writing this message. Even though she is not abusive like she was when we

(my two sisters and I) were growing up, she is still very difficult to get along

with. She is extremely manipulative, illogical, unreasonable...It is impossible

to have a normal relationship with her and now I understand why.

It is all so overwhelming and I want to get so much off of my chest...but it is

too much to put all into one post--as you mentioned.

I hope you have found some peace in your life.

I left home when I was 26 and had minimal contact with my parents until they

moved closer to me a few years ago. Last May we moved really close to my

parents. My father passed away in October--so now my mother is fully embedded in

my life again. Realizing she has BDP in some ways is a blessing, because now I

know what I'm dealing with. But also somehow I was deluding myself about how bad

things had become now that she is so fully back in my life and affecting my

relationship with my husband and affecting my children...Anyways I could go on

and on.

I think it does help to know that there are people out there with similar

experiences. I hope you find some solace in sharing your story.

Sincerely,

Debby

>

> Okay, here it goes. I am about to open the flood gate about my mother. I have

been reading the post here for a few days just trying to get up the courage to

write. I am feeling guilty or like I am being disloyal or something..almost

scared. I have always suspected that my mother was mentally ill but couldn't put

a label on it. I have been researching BPD because my daughter-in-law was

diagnosed as having it. She put my son and grandchildren through living Hell for

seven years. He finally divorced her and has custody of the kids. But while

doing my research I recognized that(and more) is what is wrong with my mother. I

am not sure what the 'and more' is. She is 84 now, I am 52..I should be able to

let go of it but for reason..I just need to know. My entire life, I have tried

to please her, to prove that I am worthy of her love. She adores her sons and

dogs but her daughters are stupid and worthless. My sister detached from her 38

years ago. Not once in those 38 years has she called my sister. About three

years ago, we(long story short) 'had words' because she was enabling one of my

brothers to keep up his substance abuse addiction. I went home and dididn't call

or visit her for over a year. She never tried to contact me once. She threw

everything that I had given her over the years out into her front yard,

including a couch and loveseat which my brother told me that she lugged out

herself. She is very strong when she is one of her rages. When I was young, she

would beat me with belts, swithches, brooms, cords..anything she could get her

hands on and keep beating me like she was in some sort of trance and couldn't

make herself stop. She would only stop after she was exhausted. I could never do

anything right but my brothers were saints. There is just way too much to write

in one posting so I will stop here for now. I guess I am hoping to get some

mental release by joining this group.

>

[Guest guest]

hi,

I've just joined this list. I am 50, and the youngest of 5 kids. My BP

mother refuses to let go. She is a classic queen/witch so she's nasty,

controling and extremely manipulative. She had a heartattack in october and

she started clinging onto me even worse than before. In the last 6 months

she's called me up to yell at me for heaven only knows what ! I can never

really figure it out, but my father tells me I'm an awful daughter and need

to " shape up " I have been married to a wonderful man for the past 28 years,

and we've lived 400+ miles away from my parents. For some reason my mother

expected me to drop everything and go to her when she was in the hospital.

Not either of my sisters, just me! I have been the child she's been the

hardest on and the nastiest to. For some reason my parents had decided I

need to " communicate " more with them. I called them at Christmas time, the

15th of january and in nid feb, so I don't know wht they expect. well, I

sort of do, but am unwilling to put place them before my husband and

family/life. I could write a book about all the terrible things she's done

to me, including trying to kill me, and saying she wished she had killed me

3 times ! No one outside my siblings/father know about her behavior because

she's so sickly sweet to everyone else. My oldest brother is the perfect,

golden child in her eyes. He can do no wrong. I guess I'm the awful child,

even though I don't do anything wrong, and never did, I am the one she

always attacks the most.

Jackie

[Guest guest]

You are her target. Your mother is nasty to you because she knows that if your

self-esteem is in the gutter, she can control you. By acting sweet to everyone

in the outside world, she has established a powerful defensive shield. So what!

Forget about what other people think. You know the truth. That's enough.

That being said, Stop playing her game. Do the opposite of pretty much

everything you did before. Let her look for help elsewhere. Free yourself.

Remove all those emotional hooks. Go numb to her.

I'm almost exactly your age; also the youngest; also verbally & physically

abused (but oddly) still painted all-good. My nada also refused to let go of me.

Whenever I tried to establish autonomy as an adult, she'd throw a major tantrum.

She interfered with my relationship with my sister; she threw a HUGE tantrum

when I graduated from college--My fada showed up at my door begging me to save

their marriage. This was done to me when I was 22 years old. I should have been

given the space to spread my wings and think about myself & my future. Instead,

I was conscripted to be my nada's happiness-maker. All of her tantrums were

rewarded.

She also started acting MUCH, MUCH worse as she got older--wanting me to pledge

that I would quit my job & come live with her as her full-time nursemaid. She's

not even sick! My fada defends her every move. Any resistance was not tolerated.

Well, I've been NC for 3 years. I recommend that you also find a way to set

boundaries & separate. Take care of yourself and your immediate family. It's

great that you are already so far away. Stay strong. You can do it. Fight the

nut. You have all the power now, even though you have been trained to think that

you're weak.

>

> hi,

>

> I've just joined this list. I am 50, and the youngest of 5 kids. My BP

> mother refuses to let go. She is a classic queen/witch so she's nasty,

> controling and extremely manipulative. She had a heartattack in october and

> she started clinging onto me even worse than before. In the last 6 months

> she's called me up to yell at me for heaven only knows what ! I can never

> really figure it out, but my father tells me I'm an awful daughter and need

> to " shape up " I have been married to a wonderful man for the past 28 years,

> and we've lived 400+ miles away from my parents. For some reason my mother

> expected me to drop everything and go to her when she was in the hospital.

> Not either of my sisters, just me! I have been the child she's been the

> hardest on and the nastiest to. For some reason my parents had decided I

> need to " communicate " more with them. I called them at Christmas time, the

> 15th of january and in nid feb, so I don't know wht they expect. well, I

> sort of do, but am unwilling to put place them before my husband and

> family/life. I could write a book about all the terrible things she's done

> to me, including trying to kill me, and saying she wished she had killed me

> 3 times ! No one outside my siblings/father know about her behavior because

> she's so sickly sweet to everyone else. My oldest brother is the perfect,

> golden child in her eyes. He can do no wrong. I guess I'm the awful child,

> even though I don't do anything wrong, and never did, I am the one she

> always attacks the most.

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome Jackie!

This is the perfect place for you. I am also fairly new and have found this life

saving. We all have so many stories about our family members who are BP who have

hurt us tremendously. Its difficult because we all have to grieve for the

parents we THOUGHT we had and finally realize that we never will get that. We

all have to get to the point where we say " No more " either with words or

actions.

A lot of people here are NC with their BP's. You have to decide if that is an

option for you or not. If its not, then you have to set boundaries. Many BP's

create their own hell so someone can come to their rescue...in this case, that

person is you. Don't do it next time. Since you live far, it should be a little

easier. When she is mean to you, just say " Im sorry you feel that way " and

leave!! Either hang up or walk out. Do not engage in the rages or emotional

abuse. Walk away from it and eventually she will get it.

Its kind of like training a pet. you do it a couple of times, then you won't

ever have to do it again.

Good luck! We are here if you need us.

AJ

>

> hi,

>

> I've just joined this list. I am 50, and the youngest of 5 kids. My BP

> mother refuses to let go. She is a classic queen/witch so she's nasty,

> controling and extremely manipulative. She had a heartattack in october and

> she started clinging onto me even worse than before. In the last 6 months

> she's called me up to yell at me for heaven only knows what ! I can never

> really figure it out, but my father tells me I'm an awful daughter and need

> to " shape up " I have been married to a wonderful man for the past 28 years,

> and we've lived 400+ miles away from my parents. For some reason my mother

> expected me to drop everything and go to her when she was in the hospital.

> Not either of my sisters, just me! I have been the child she's been the

> hardest on and the nastiest to. For some reason my parents had decided I

> need to " communicate " more with them. I called them at Christmas time, the

> 15th of january and in nid feb, so I don't know wht they expect. well, I

> sort of do, but am unwilling to put place them before my husband and

> family/life. I could write a book about all the terrible things she's done

> to me, including trying to kill me, and saying she wished she had killed me

> 3 times ! No one outside my siblings/father know about her behavior because

> she's so sickly sweet to everyone else. My oldest brother is the perfect,

> golden child in her eyes. He can do no wrong. I guess I'm the awful child,

> even though I don't do anything wrong, and never did, I am the one she

> always attacks the most.

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

thank you :-) This is stuff I need to hear !! I get feeling so guilty,

then think I have done nothing to feel guilty about. My mother also

suggested when my husband retires we need to sell our place here and move in

with them..so I could cook/clean and take care of running them around, hubby

could be the handy man, mowing the lawn, shoveling the walk...and they

wouldn't have to pay us !! She even said I could bring my dogs with me !!

yeah, I know her all too well. Not that I'd EVER consider doing this, but I

know she'd be complaining non stop about the dogs !! I keep telling myself

she had 5 kids ( although one is deceased) so everything should not fall

onto me to do for her...she was furious with me this past Christmas because

we didn't go up there to visit ( non of my siblings did either, but they're

forgiven) I have horses as well, and have to find someone willing to come

2X a day to feed/check on them.. Boundaries..we weren't allowed to have

any...I'm reading a book by Henry Cloud called Boundaries...what an eye

opener !!

Jackie

You are her target. Your mother is nasty to you because she knows that if

your self-esteem is in the gutter, she can control you. By acting sweet to

everyone in the outside world, she has established a powerful defensive

shield. So what! Forget about what other people think. You know the truth.

That's enough.

That being said, Stop playing her game. Do the opposite of pretty much

everything you did before. Let her look for help elsewhere. Free yourself.

Remove all those emotional hooks. Go numb to her.

I'm almost exactly your age; also the youngest; also verbally & physically

abused (but oddly) still painted all-good. My nada also refused to let go of

me. Whenever I tried to establish autonomy as an adult, she'd throw a major

tantrum. She interfered with my relationship with my sister; she threw a

HUGE tantrum when I graduated from college--My fada showed up at my door

begging me to save their marriage. This was done to me when I was 22 years

old. I should have been given the space to spread my wings and think about

myself & my future. Instead, I was conscripted to be my nada's

happiness-maker. All of her tantrums were rewarded.

She also started acting MUCH, MUCH worse as she got older--wanting me to

pledge that I would quit my job & come live with her as her full-time

nursemaid. She's not even sick! My fada defends her every move. Any

resistance was not tolerated.

Well, I've been NC for 3 years. I recommend that you also find a way to set

boundaries & separate. Take care of yourself and your immediate family. It's

great that you are already so far away. Stay strong. You can do it. Fight

the nut. You have all the power now, even though you have been trained to

think that you're weak.

[Guest guest]

thanks AJ :-) I think just having others who understand is going to be a

great help ! My oldest brother and my father are in denial and they both

try to bully me into doing what mother wants. I used to think I could never

separate my self 100% from my parents, but now, after the last 3 nasty

yelling phone calls, I am so hurt and angry, I think I can ! Obviously they

have no respect for me as they continue to treat me like a child whose done

wrong...and even then a child should be yelled at the way I was...and how

odd that they didn't call up either of my sisters and do this to them !! Of

course now the thing is " you almost lost me " when I say I wont/cant come to

visit...it's an 8 hour drive ! and IF I ever go back there, we will stay at

a hotel !!

Jackie

Welcome Jackie!

This is the perfect place for you. I am also fairly new and have found this

life saving. We all have so many stories about our family members who are BP

who have hurt us tremendously. Its difficult because we all have to grieve

for the parents we THOUGHT we had and finally realize that we never will get

that. We all have to get to the point where we say " No more " either with

words or actions.

A lot of people here are NC with their BP's. You have to decide if that is

an option for you or not. If its not, then you have to set boundaries. Many

BP's create their own hell so someone can come to their rescue...in this

case, that person is you. Don't do it next time. Since you live far, it

should be a little easier. When she is mean to you, just say " Im sorry you

feel that way " and leave!! Either hang up or walk out. Do not engage in the

rages or emotional abuse. Walk away from it and eventually she will get it.

Its kind of like training a pet. you do it a couple of times, then you won't

ever have to do it again.

Good luck! We are here if you need us.

AJ

[Guest guest]

My mom ended up in the psych ward after a recent suicide attempt and the one

thing she latched on to with me and *would not* let go of was that I did

not drop everything and come to see her. We live 300 miles away and I made

the decision not to go after several people I really trust where I live and

where she lives told me not to go. I was not guilt free about my decision

not to go, but now a few months later - I am so glad I did not go. If I had

gone it would have been me playing right into the parental fix everything

for her role that she expects me to play and I often think I am obligated to

play.

Anyway, I could not believe how many tacks she tried - " I can't believe my

daughter would not come to see her mother " (over a three day weekend). " If I

had broken my leg wouldn't you have come? " (which actually I probably would

not have), " When I get out I'm just going to try it (suicide) again - what

do I have to live for with a cold distant daughter " , " What are you and your

brother doing to me - someone better give me answers now, " and my favorite

which was actually the only one that made not be torn up internally by guilt

and even made me chuckle a little was a really long 'sermon' on my answering

machine about how she had been thinking about what Mother Theresa would do

if she were me... how she would not abandon someone as I had her, but that

Mother Theresa would give everything she had for that person..... "

All of this was while I was actually calling her everyday and talking to her

doctors regularly - but whatever I am doing is never enough - she zeroed in

on the fact that I did not come, but if I had I'm quite sure it would have

been - I did not come fast enough - stay long enough - do the right thing(s)

while I was there - or any other thing other than what I was actually doing.

All this to say - I know how a nada can just be relentless in expressing her

displeasure about not coming to visit when they are 'ill'.

Right now I'm gearing up for the next round - She has suddenly decided to

join the Catholic church and amazingly has gotten them to fast-track her

because of her health (which is actually quite good right now) - so somehow

she is not going through the regular lengthy class. Rather than be confirmed

with the group, she's even managed to have the church OK her own her own

private affair. She already starting with " This is really important to me " ,

" I hope my *daughter *will come for this.... " .....Ahhh here we go

again.

my

> thanks AJ :-) I think just having others who understand is going to be a

>

> great help ! My oldest brother and my father are in denial and they both

> try to bully me into doing what mother wants. I used to think I could never

>

> separate my self 100% from my parents, but now, after the last 3 nasty

> yelling phone calls, I am so hurt and angry, I think I can ! Obviously they

>

> have no respect for me as they continue to treat me like a child whose done

>

> wrong...and even then a child should be yelled at the way I was...and how

> odd that they didn't call up either of my sisters and do this to them !! Of

>

> course now the thing is " you almost lost me " when I say I wont/cant come to

>

> visit...it's an 8 hour drive ! and IF I ever go back there, we will stay at

>

> a hotel !!

>

> Jackie

>

> Welcome Jackie!

>

> This is the perfect place for you. I am also fairly new and have found this

>

> life saving. We all have so many stories about our family members who are

> BP

> who have hurt us tremendously. Its difficult because we all have to grieve

> for the parents we THOUGHT we had and finally realize that we never will

> get

> that. We all have to get to the point where we say " No more " either with

> words or actions.

>

> A lot of people here are NC with their BP's. You have to decide if that is

> an option for you or not. If its not, then you have to set boundaries. Many

>

> BP's create their own hell so someone can come to their rescue...in this

> case, that person is you. Don't do it next time. Since you live far, it

> should be a little easier. When she is mean to you, just say " Im sorry you

> feel that way " and leave!! Either hang up or walk out. Do not engage in the

>

> rages or emotional abuse. Walk away from it and eventually she will get it.

>

> Its kind of like training a pet. you do it a couple of times, then you

> won't

> ever have to do it again.

>

> Good luck! We are here if you need us.

>

> AJ

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

reading your post brought back a lot of memories...my nada was disappointed

because I didn't come when she got some library " award " for donating money

to the local library ( it really wasn't a big deal) and she said those same

words...and I remember all the horse and dog shows I showed in as a kid in

4-H and she never came to watch/support me...didn't even ask how I did when

I got home ! She never came to my high school to watch/hear me sing solos

for the choir...she's just never been there for anything...then expects me

to be there when she gets some unimportant thank you " award "

Jackie

> She already starting with " This is really important to me " ,

> " I hope my *daughter *will come for this.... " .....Ahhh here we go

again.

my

[Guest guest]

Sounds to me like your nada has a lot of narcissistic traits; she feels jealous

and envious of you when you earn high achievements, and feels entitled to

showers of praise and attention when she does anything at all. Very

narcissistic, in my opinion.

I don't know if this will work for you, but along a similar line, my nada used

to complain frequently that I live far away and don't visit often, and she would

whine about how I was supposed to move closer and even live with her when I

retire (AAACK!) I got her to stop bringing that up: every time she'd mention

it, I'd remind her that it was she and dad who moved away from *me.* It was

*her* idea to move far away. Eventually she stopped beating that dead horse.

So, possibly, every time your mother brings up the topic of " you didn't come to

my awards ceremony " , you could say something like, " I attend yours just as often

as you came to my events, mother. " The point might get through to her,

eventually.

-Annie

>

> reading your post brought back a lot of memories...my nada was disappointed

> because I didn't come when she got some library " award " for donating money

> to the local library ( it really wasn't a big deal) and she said those same

> words...and I remember all the horse and dog shows I showed in as a kid in

> 4-H and she never came to watch/support me...didn't even ask how I did when

> I got home ! She never came to my high school to watch/hear me sing solos

> for the choir...she's just never been there for anything...then expects me

> to be there when she gets some unimportant thank you " award "

>

> Jackie

>

>

> > She already starting with " This is really important to me " ,

> > " I hope my *daughter *will come for this.... " .....Ahhh here we go

> again.

>

> my

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Anne,

yes, my nada is very narcissistic !! the world revolves around HER. My

nada has also said when my husband retires that we need to sell our place

here ( we have 2+ acres , 2 horses, 2 cats and 2 dogs) and move in with

them, in the middle of town ( their house is smaller than our house, where

is all their stuff and our stuff going to go?? LOL yes, I know, OUR stuff

will sit at the curb for pick up !!) Nada even said that way I could

cook/clean and run them around while hubby mows the lawn and does

repairs....like this is the perfect solution for all of us !! NOT !! I did

all the cleaning when I lived at home, and it was never good enough, of

course since I got married and moved out, their house has been terribly

cluttered and dirty...even though she has a maid. And the same thing

happened, sort of that did to you. My parents retired and moved far away

for any of their children, then get angry because we don't visit often..they

could have moved anywhere ! Thanks for your input :-)

Jackie

Sounds to me like your nada has a lot of narcissistic traits; she feels

jealous and envious of you when you earn high achievements, and feels

entitled to showers of praise and attention when she does anything at all.

Very narcissistic, in my opinion.

I don't know if this will work for you, but along a similar line, my nada

used to complain frequently that I live far away and don't visit often, and

she would whine about how I was supposed to move closer and even live with

her when I retire (AAACK!) I got her to stop bringing that up: every time

she'd mention it, I'd remind her that it was she and dad who moved away from

*me.* It was *her* idea to move far away. Eventually she stopped beating

that dead horse.

So, possibly, every time your mother brings up the topic of " you didn't come

to my awards ceremony " , you could say something like, " I attend yours just

as often as you came to my events, mother. " The point might get through to

her, eventually.

-Annie

[Guest guest]

welcome to the group. i think you'll find good support and info here!

> Hi,

>

> My mother is bp and a classic example of witch/queen. since last fall,

> when she had her heartattck, she been worse tyhan usual. I am the one she

> bullies and abuses most out of her 5 kids. Her dishrag husband ( my father)

>

> is useless and defends her to no end, even though she is very abusive to

> him

> too. Mother is extrememly angry with me because I did not go up there for

> Christmas. Although none of my other siblings did either, for some reason

> they are forgiven. Yes, I'm the youngest...sigh...and am always treated

> like a 9 year old child, even though I am 50, have been married for almost

> 28 years, and have lived 400+ miles away from them all these years. The

> last 3 phone calls I've had with them, they've done nothing but yell at me

> and tell me what an awful daughter I am because I didn't drop everything

> and

> run up there when she had her heartattack. Only the perfect child, the

> oldest, did..Mother expected me and my husband there for Christmas...she's

> ruined so many holidays, I no longer share them with her. After Christmas

> she called to yell at me, tell me she wants more phone calls from me ( I

> called at Christmas time, on jan 15th, and mid feb) and that she is very

> disappointed with me for not going there after her heartattack ( I asked if

>

> she wanted us to come, but she said no, Ken was there, the perfect one) .

> She was telling me that I almost lost her ( I couldn't be so lucky) and

> this may be her last Christmas..sigh I can't win. So anyway, the last phone

>

> call ended with I am " required " to call the first saturday of every month

> ( although my father said every WEEK)..LOL like I'm really going to do that

>

> !! NOT!!...so I will never be out of the " doghouse " .

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Jackie I just have to respond to what you said here...

" My mother also suggested when my husband retires we need to sell our place here

and move in with them..so I could cook/clean and take care of running them

around, hubby could be the handy man, mowing the lawn, shoveling the walk...and

they wouldn't have to pay us !! She even said I could bring my dogs with me !!

"

Wow how generous of her!!!! What a great offer for you, why don't you just

drop everything and do it now! Why wait until your hubby retires. An offer

like that will be gone fast, so act now. hahahahah I am being very sarcastic of

course!!!

And what exactly is it that you get out of this? The joy of taking care of an

emotionally abusive unstable person? The selfishness of BPs never cease to

amaze me.

> thank you :-) This is stuff I need to hear !! I get feeling so guilty,

> then think I have done nothing to feel guilty about. My mother also

> suggested when my husband retires we need to sell our place here and move in

> with them..so I could cook/clean and take care of running them around, hubby

> could be the handy man, mowing the lawn, shoveling the walk...and they

> wouldn't have to pay us !! She even said I could bring my dogs with me !!

> yeah, I know her all too well. Not that I'd EVER consider doing this, but I

> know she'd be complaining non stop about the dogs !! I keep telling myself

> she had 5 kids ( although one is deceased) so everything should not fall

> onto me to do for her...she was furious with me this past Christmas because

> we didn't go up there to visit ( non of my siblings did either, but they're

> forgiven) I have horses as well, and have to find someone willing to come

> 2X a day to feed/check on them.. Boundaries..we weren't allowed to have

> any...I'm reading a book by Henry Cloud called Boundaries...what an eye

> opener !!

>

> Jackie

>

>

> You are her target. Your mother is nasty to you because she knows that if

> your self-esteem is in the gutter, she can control you. By acting sweet to

> everyone in the outside world, she has established a powerful defensive

> shield. So what! Forget about what other people think. You know the truth.

> That's enough.

>

> That being said, Stop playing her game. Do the opposite of pretty much

> everything you did before. Let her look for help elsewhere. Free yourself.

> Remove all those emotional hooks. Go numb to her.

>

> I'm almost exactly your age; also the youngest; also verbally & physically

> abused (but oddly) still painted all-good. My nada also refused to let go of

> me. Whenever I tried to establish autonomy as an adult, she'd throw a major

> tantrum. She interfered with my relationship with my sister; she threw a

> HUGE tantrum when I graduated from college--My fada showed up at my door

> begging me to save their marriage. This was done to me when I was 22 years

> old. I should have been given the space to spread my wings and think about

> myself & my future. Instead, I was conscripted to be my nada's

> happiness-maker. All of her tantrums were rewarded.

>

> She also started acting MUCH, MUCH worse as she got older--wanting me to

> pledge that I would quit my job & come live with her as her full-time

> nursemaid. She's not even sick! My fada defends her every move. Any

> resistance was not tolerated.

>

> Well, I've been NC for 3 years. I recommend that you also find a way to set

> boundaries & separate. Take care of yourself and your immediate family. It's

> great that you are already so far away. Stay strong. You can do it. Fight

> the nut. You have all the power now, even though you have been trained to

> think that you're weak.

>

[Guest guest]

LOL you hit the nail on the heard !! She wants someone to take care of

them. They don't want to move, so have to pay someone to mow/shovel/clean

the house...if hubby and I were there, they wouldn't have to pay out...plus

they'd have me to do all their running around for them...we wouldn't have a

life !! and I KNOW she'd be complaining about the dogs all the time, even

though they're very well trained, they're big, and she doesn't like being

inconvenienced...she even volunteered that my aunt and uncle would take my

horses !! isn't she sweet ??? NOT !!

Jackie

" My mother also suggested when my husband retires we need to sell our place

here and move in with them..so I could cook/clean and take care of running

them around, hubby could be the handy man, mowing the lawn, shoveling the

walk...and they wouldn't have to pay us !! She even said I could bring my

dogs with me !! "

Wow how generous of her!!!! What a great offer for you, why don't you just

drop everything and do it now! Why wait until your hubby retires. An offer

like that will be gone fast, so act now. hahahahah I am being very

sarcastic of course!!!

And what exactly is it that you get out of this? The joy of taking care of

an emotionally abusive unstable person? The selfishness of BPs never cease

to amaze me.

[Guest guest]

If she continues to lobby for you to sell your house, give up your horses, move

in and become the unpaid maid/butler team, put her name and address on the

mailing list of a few nursing homes, or just pick up some brochures and have

them lying around when she visits next time. That'll give her something to gnaw

on (besides your leg).

[Guest guest]

LOL great idea !! They haven't visited here in 9 years...they're now too

decrepit to do any traveling, which make her hound me to visit them more

often...like I'm supposed to entertain them !!

Jackie

If she continues to lobby for you to sell your house, give up your horses,

move in and become the unpaid maid/butler team, put her name and address on

the mailing list of a few nursing homes, or just pick up some brochures and

have them lying around when she visits next time. That'll give her

something to gnaw on (besides your leg).

[Guest guest]

Jackie - Wow, you've kept them out of your house for NINE YEARS?? Teach me, O

Guru!! :0

[Guest guest]

LOL, sorry, it wasn't anything I actually did...they live 400+ miles from

me...and since I am the youngest of 5, they are old and decreped...althought

they DID fly to Las Vagas for a week after they told me they couldn't travel

any more...but it didn't bother me, as long as they weren't here ! nada is

84 ( will be 85 in aug) fada is 86 will be 87 in aug.

Jackie

Jackie - Wow, you've kept them out of your house for NINE YEARS?? Teach me,

O Guru!! :0