Your experiences integrating memories--what do you guys DO with them?

[Guest guest]

If any of you would like to share,I'd very much welcome your

ideas/input/experiences about how you have integrated painful memories into your

current awareness of being a KO...Or how you deal with them as they crop up--do

you sit with some memories and confront them and try to process them? If so,do

you deal with the memory head on and face it or do you find that you need to

engage in some other more soothing activity before you can address the feelings

the memory has brought up?

And do any of you give yourselves permission to not dwell on a memory because

at the moment when you remember it,it exceeds your capacity to deal with it?

I'm asking these questions because I got broad sided by a memory tonight.I

don't know why this one is bothering me so much,quite.I know that both of my

parents were mentally ill.I've been thinking of my memories from childhood (and

later) from that perspective--that I was raised by two personality disordered

individuals (BPD nada and NPD fada) and that all of my attempts to have a

normal,loving relationship with them were futile.They simply weren't capable of

that.

I have lots of disturbing memories--seventeen years' worth-- until I left

home,that I could fill a book with.And more from later when I made the mistake

of having contact with them.But won't fill a post with...

Anyway...this one memory...I went to a nearby convenience store tonight to buy

milk.It's owned by these friendly Indian people who keep a television by the

register and the guy there had it on tonight.As I'm paying,he says to me, " Oh,I

love this commercial,look at this commercial " ,so I watched it with him.

It was a commerical from a telephone company with a father who had gone on

business trips and took his little daughter's stuffed monkey with him.He was

taking photos of the stuffed monkey in front of various landmarks and e-mailing

them back to his daughter.At the end of the commercial he comes to their front

door holding the monkey and hugs his daughter because he is home.

I'm watching this and thinking that my fada would never have done anything

like that.If I had given him one of my stuffed animals to take on a trip,he

would have grumbled disgustedly, " What do you want me to do with this thing? " and

if he'd taken it with him at all,you could be sure he would have forgotten it or

left it behind.

I asked the guy in the convenience store, " Why do you like this commercial

so much,what is it about it you like so much? "

I was shutting down my emotions,not wanting to think about loving fathers

who remember their daughters when they're away on a trip.Feeling cynical: here's

some telephone company playing on peoples' sentimentality to sell their

product...

The convenience store guy said, " I like it because it's so sweet...the

father sends his little girl pictures of her monkey from all the places where he

went on business to let her know he's thinking of her... "

I said nothing.I didn't know what to say...Well,you know what buddy,I

can't relate to this goddamned commercial at all,my father was a narcissist...do

you know what that is?...Instead,I told him to have a nice evening and I left

feeling suddenly very sad.

In the car I thought of the one time fada had to go on a business trip.I

was six.He flew up to Boston from Philadelphia in a snow storm and it was such a

turbulent flight he was sure they were going to crash.In the airport on the way

home he bought me a poster.He must have bought my brother something too but I

don't remember at all what.

He bought me a poster of a baby seal.White with huge vulnerable black eyes

that looked like they were going to cry.Cuddled in some snow,with sprinklings of

snow on its head.

I was thrilled.Fada never paid any attention to me.He never showed me any

affection.He rarely even called me by my name.I was more often referred to as

" pain in my ass " and " you little creep " by him,or failing that,he whistled for

me to come like I was a dog.

But he had thought of me.I put the poster up on my wall the same

evening,in a place of pride on the wall next to my bed.

When nada tucked me in that night,I was feeling all warm and fuzzy that

fada had thought of me when he was away and brought me a gift,a poster of an

adorable baby seal.It was like that had made every time he had been nasty to me

all right,because he really did care for me after all.

Some posters on here have mentioned their nada getting a creepy,weird smile

on her face just when she's said or done something mean or was about to do or

say something mean...That night,nada did that creepy self satisfied weird smirk

and said casually as she tucked the blanket around me, " They bludgeon those baby

seals to death,every winter.The hunters go up north with their clubs and they go

to the beaches where the baby seals are and beat them to death until the snow is

all red with their blood.People pay alot of money to buy fur coats made out of

baby seal fur. "

She said that on purpose to horrify me.This was a pattern with her: saying

or doing things to horrify me when I was feeling good or contented or

relaxed.Apparently having fada pay attention to me for the two seconds it took

for him to give me that poster was too much.Apparently me being happy that my

own father had thought of me and brought me something from his trip was too

much.

I had to pay for that.I loved animals and she knew it.I hated hunting and

she knew it.I couldn't watch " nature shows " on tv with animals hunting eachother

because they upset me and she knew it.Telling me that was going to horrify me

and destroy my sense of contentedness and give me nightmares and she knew it.

I had learned not to show emotion in front of nada because that only made

her nastier,only made her drive the knife in even deeper.We both knew that she

had ruined my moment of happiness but I couldn't say anything lest she make it

even worse.I turned my back to the poster of the baby seal and tried to force

myself not to think of baby seals being hit with clubs until the snow ran red

with their blood but I was so anxious I wanted to throw up.All I could think of

to console myself was that she was lying,she didn't know what she was talking

about.

The next day I waited until I thought I was alone with fada to ask him if

baby seals really are hunted for their fur.I was very concerned that if I gave

him the impression at all that I wasn't happy with his gift that he would never

pay any attention to me again,since he never did and I wanted most of all for

him to know how grateful I was,how thrilled...I was thinking of his feelings

more than mine: if I hurt his feelings with my question about hunting,he'd be so

hurt...I debated even asking him at all but every time I looked at that

poster,what nada had said bothered me so much...

I asked him in a gentle voice,trying to sound like it didn't trouble me too

much.Nada appeared out of nowhere,it seemed to me,and said, " That's what you said

last night,that they hunt baby seals and everytime you look at that

poster,that's what you're going to think. "

I said no,that's what YOU said,that they hunt baby seals with clubs.She

went, " I never said that,YOU said that. "

I was muttering, " No...no..you're the one who said that " while she stood

there and said to fada, " She told me she doesn't want that poster.She hates

it.They kill baby seals.She doesn't want to look at it. "

Fada would get wracked with self pity at times.This was one of those

times.He mumbled with extreme self pity, " I shouldn't have gotten you that

poster.I shouldn't have gotten you a poster of an animal.I should have known

better.I should have known you'd hate it. "

Now it was no longer about the horrifying things nada had said when she was

tucking me in.It was all about me " hating " the poster.How she had made me feel

was now a non issue.

I protested, " I don't hate the poster- "

Fada mumbled,looking hurt, " If you hate the poster so much,just take it

down... "

I tried again: " I don't hate it.I was happy you gave it to me- "

Nada said, " You told me last night that you hate it.You hate thinking of

hunting.They hunt baby seals.You hate thinking of baby seals being killed. "

" Just take it down, " fada moaned. " The next time I'll know better. "

....Sorry that got so long....

I just don't know what to DO with some of these memories,ones like this...I

have others that are worse but this one seems to symbolize how eager nada was to

make me feel horrified and awful,all because fada paid some slight attention to

me...symbolizes how much nada never wanted me to ever feel even just ok...that

was such a threat to her...

If I had said something so horrifying and hateful to a six year old on

purpose to give her nightmares and make her feel scared I wouldn't be able to

live with myself until I did something to make it better for her again.

Sometimes it seems like all I can do is conclude that nada was/is profoundly

sick...I am NC and don't intend to break it.

Thank you for letting me vent...and getting back to my initial questions,if

any of you would like to share,please do tell me how you deal with these kinds

of memories.I'd appreciate any of your thoughts.

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