God Help me- 2 BPs in my life

[Guest guest]

I'm sure most of you have heard my story.  In case you haven't, here's a recap-

Mom and older sis both have BP.  Mom is waif, sis a queen.  Sis has 3 children,

all of whom are in an abusive household.  (It kills me everyday that I am not in

my nieces and nephew's lives)Sis used to use drugs which exacerbated the

problems of an already crazy household.  She's on her 3rd husband-- which he's

an alcoholic.  Dr. ordered him to stop drinking a couple of years ago after

diagnosis of Prostate cancer and near liver failure.  His stopping of drinking

is the only sanity that has occured for those children.  I have a typical waif

Mom, living in a motorhome, trying to invoke the " I'm broke, take care of me "

sympathy card.

 

After the last drug binge, in which sis and bro-in-law went into 72 hour

lockdown (Baker Acting), they almost lost their kids.  As expected, I was to

rush over (I live 3 1/2 hrs away) and save the children, rescue sis, and play my

part.  At the time this last straw happened, I was in therapy for a year before

this.  I could tell you guys countless situations of pain, throwing me under the

bus, holidays ruined, basically living my life for them, but I'll spare you the

details.  With the guidance and help of my therapist, I made the choice to go

NC.

 

In the past three and half years of NC, I have slowly begun to live my own

life.  I saved my marriage.  My hubby doesn't hate them, but hates what they've

done to me.  He pretty much said, if you don't choose to live your own life,

then I cannot be a part of it.  At first, I blamed hubby for putting an

ultimatum on me.  And I still battle with that today.

 

However, let me catch you up to speed.

 

Half-sister from my Dad's 4th marriage is getting married in April.  The past

year has been a bit difficult to keep NC with BP Sis because of all these damn

events.  We had half-sis's college graduation party, their engagement party and

2 weeks ago, the bridal shower.  There were 20 women there, inc step-mom, which

I chose to hang with half-sis and her bridal party, and we were fine.  She was

on her side of the room, and I mine.  However, I think I brought this pain on

myself.  You see, I gave my Dad and step-mom Christmas gifts for BP sis's

children.  These gifts have been at their home for 7 weeks.  I asked my Dad to

put the gifts in Step-mom's car, so that at the shower, she could give them to

BP sis.  I was fine up until the end of the party, when I was loading half-sis

gifts in the car.  I noticed the Christmas gifts still there.  I asked step-mom,

" Did you give these to BP sis? "   She said, Mandy, honey, I am so sorry, but she

wouldn't

take them "   OUCH.  Set myself up for that pain.  Typical Queen BP, " You don't

want anything to do with ME, then you'll have nothing to do with my PAWNS

(children).  Off with your head! "

 

We we're supposed to go over to Half-sis house after the shower, and hang out,

it was Dad's b-day too.  After that blow, I decided to go home, couldn't take

the pain. 

 

Now really catching you up to speed:  it's my birthday this weekend.  My BP mom

and I have made an attempt to communicate.  It was two months ago at Christmas,

and I agreed to meet her for a cup of coffee.  BP Sis has moved the family

closer to my neck of the woods.  Only an hour away, and of course, BP Mom

followed suit in her trailer.  Have Motorhome, will travel.  I guess it was the

Christmas Spirit, maybe the FOG rolled in, who knows?  But, I met her for

coffee.  And it actually was nice to see her.  After all, it had been  3 years. 

We didn't get into heavy stuff, but she wanted to go to counseling, work on

things, etc. etc.  I guess I fell into the Fairy Tale again.

 

I told her a boundary: I could handle 2 emails per month.  no phone calls, no

showing up at the house, no visits, etc.  She's been pretty good about her

boundary, surprisingly.  But, since it's my b-day, she wanted to get a gift to

me, so I agreed to see her yesterday.  BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!

 

She wanted to go to the movies.  I figured that would be a safe visit, because

we wouldn't have to speak.  But, by meeting there 15 mins early, she started in

on the shower situation from 2 weeks ago.  She asked me " Do you love your

sister? "   I said, look, " NO MORE TRIANGULATION!  You're not going to suck me

into a conversation about her.  If I choose to have a email-relationship with

you, and a visit or two or year WITH YOU, that has nothing to do with me having

a relationship with BP sis. "   She said, " well, it just hurts me that both of my

daughers are hurt.  You know, your sister cried for 3 days after that shower. 

She said you wouldn't come back to the house to hang out, because she was

there.  I responded, " Do you know WHY I didn't go??? "   She said, 'No, she

thought it was because you didn't want to be there with her. "   I said, " NO, it

was because I got hurt.  She refused the Christmas gifts for her kids.  And

since, we aren't

tango-ing, it was the only way she could hurt me. "   BP mom, said, " Ohhh, she

didn't tell me that.  How do you know she wouldn't take them?  Maybe, she just

forgot them. "   So at this point, I am heated, borderline yelling, and trying to

rationalize with this BULLSHIT!  I said, " Well, of couse she didn't tell you any

of this.  She evokes sympathy from you, A MASTER MANIPULATOR.  Just like you are

doing to me right now. "   HOOK, LINE, SINKER.  She got me. 

 

Now, the rational thing would've been for me to just leave.  But, I went and saw

the damn movie, and I felt worse than I have in a LONG TIME.  We parted and said

our goodbyes.  God, help me, I hope this is the final goodbye!!!!

 

I haven't told my husband any of the antics I have gone through over the past 2

months.  I know my secrets keep me sick.  Here is a prime example of how of how

twisted and codependent and guilty I can get.  Remember, I still have an

ultimatum on me.  But, now I realize this ultimatum is to save my life.

 

I am so sad today.  I'm sorry this is such a long post, but thank God for this

online group.  Words, anyone???

[Guest guest]

Mandy,

Sorry to hear about your angst with nada and N-sis. I can relate - I

have 1. grandnada who I lived w/ for many extended periods in

childhood, 2. nada-aunt (bio-grandnada to my adoptive dd), 3. n-

aunt's middle daughter (who told me on Saturday that she herself had

been diagnosed with BPD in addition to the bipolar and PTSD she'd

previously disclosed), 4. n-aunt's youngest (adoptive dd's bio-mom)

has a history of meth dependency and seems to have BPD or Antisocial

PD, and 5. my mom, who has a lot of BP traits if not BPD, some sort

of mood disorder (major depressive or some flavor of bipolar), and a

decade-plus history of compulsive gambling, which was preceded by

years of chemical dependency. Plus our younger cat - did I tell you

she has BPD? (Just kidding about the cat.) I'd always thought my

mom's extended family was really close - it's not until recently that

I've realized that it's actually severely, unhealthily enmeshed, and

that I'd been selected early on to play a role similar to that of my

grandnada's eldest son - golden child, peacemaker, and savior of

everyone else (grandnada's also tried put n-aunt's eldest daughter

and son, and eldest uncle's older son in that role).

If your BPD-sis's behavior is too difficult to deal with and you have

to stay NC for your own sanity (trust me, I understand), you may need

to come to terms with not having a relationship with your BPD-sis's

kids while they are minors. From her perspective, you've rejected

her. She may also fear that you are trying to buy her kids off and

will smear her to her own children – if she were on the outs with

your nada, she could probably expect that sort of thing from her,

couldn't she? In her reality, this is probably just how family

behaves, so she won't expect better from you. Add into the mix her

own mental illness, and it seems extremely unlikely that you're going

to be able to have any relationship with her kids while they're kids

if you remain NC with BP-sis.

It is really rough when they start double-teaming you like you

experienced - you get two or more people parroting the same warped

version of reality at you, and it gets harder to trust your own

impressions and understanding of what is right. After all, if they

agree, maybe I'm the wrong one, maybe I'm the crazy one. What's

worse is, if somebody told me that a large number of their family

members are mentally ill, I'd probably wonder about that person's

sanity. A few days ago, a friend who I'm not extremely close with

asked if I'm okay ... I thought about laying out the above, that I'm

basically surrounded by crazy people (but at least none of them are

in my own home any more), and then thought better of it because I

feared the friend would wonder about me.

On Sunday, I had a conversation with my mom similar to yours with

your nada - ours revolved around grandnada. Mom didn't focus on

trying to guilt me - she knows enough about everything that's gone

down over the past several months to know that wouldn't get a lot of

traction. She validated my feelings and my decision to avoid contact

(at least for now) quite a bit, but at one point, she said, " You

know, your grandparents aren't going to be around forever. " I wanted

to say, " Are you kidding? That mean-spirited b*tch will outlive us

all, fueled as she is on hate and other people's grief. Her own

hateful nada lived to 94, for g_d's sake. " Instead, I said something

like, " That may be, but as long as she has no interest in working on

moderating her emotions and controlling her behavior, I'm just not

willing to put myself in the line of fire for more abuse. I just

can't do it any more. "

Then mom said, " What about your grandfather? He's never been

abusive. " I started getting agitated, and said, " No, he hasn't, but

he sits idly by when grandnada flies off the handle and screams lies

and insults at her kids and grandkids, and doesn't do anything to

reign her in and protect us. Everyone in this family acts like she

can do or say whatever she wants, and the rest of us are just

supposed to suck it up, deal with it, and get over it when her mood

changes and she's ready to be nice. I just can't do it any more.

Plus kids don't and can't just `get over it.' She has this bad habit

of saying things in front of kids that are really damaging

because `she can't help it.' I remember her ranting in front of me

when I was 8 about how everybody dumps their kids off on her and what

an impossible burden it was for her – I got the message that nobody

wanted me and I was a horrible burden, and heard it from her again,

over and over in the years since. That was really damaging. You

told me that she said similar things about dd, in front of dd, when

dd was in her care and she was raging about dd's bio-mom. There's

never any telling what will set her off, and I'm not willing to risk

grandnada inflicting any more emotional damage on dd. She's gone

through enough already. "

I'm really struggling with the individuating goal lately. Part of me

wants to just broadcast an explanation to the family about why,

exactly, I'm NC with grandnada, and let them know that I don't want

to talk about her any more. I know that will probably only provide

the impetus for a drama, and I know somebody has to start modeling

individuation, but it also seems that my family is so screwed up that

perpetuating the enmeshment ever so briefly, so that I can finally

just tell my truth, couldn't possibly make things any worse. I've

been working on this since July with books on boundaries and toxic

parents, since around October with a therapist, since November with

awareness of BPD. Jeeze, this is a tough process. Sorry for the

rambling.

>

> I'm sure most of you have heard my story.  In case you haven't,

here's a recap- Mom and older sis both have BP.  Mom is waif, sis a

queen.  Sis has 3 children, all of whom are in an abusive household. 

(It kills me everyday that I am not in my nieces and nephew's lives)

Sis used to use drugs which exacerbated the problems of an already

crazy household.  She's on her 3rd husband-- which he's an

alcoholic.  Dr. ordered him to stop drinking a couple of years ago

after diagnosis of Prostate cancer and near liver failure.  His

stopping of drinking is the only sanity that has occured for those

children.  I have a typical waif Mom, living in a motorhome, trying

to invoke the " I'm broke, take care of me " sympathy card.

>  

> After the last drug binge, in which sis and bro-in-law went into 72

hour lockdown (Baker Acting), they almost lost their kids.  As

expected, I was to rush over (I live 3 1/2 hrs away) and save the

children, rescue sis, and play my part.  At the time this last straw

happened, I was in therapy for a year before this.  I could tell you

guys countless situations of pain, throwing me under the bus,

holidays ruined, basically living my life for them, but I'll spare

you the details.  With the guidance and help of my therapist, I made

the choice to go NC.

>  

> In the past three and half years of NC, I have slowly begun to live

my own life.  I saved my marriage.  My hubby doesn't hate them, but

hates what they've done to me.  He pretty much said, if you don't

choose to live your own life, then I cannot be a part of it.  At

first, I blamed hubby for putting an ultimatum on me.  And I still

battle with that today.

>  

> However, let me catch you up to speed.

>  

> Half-sister from my Dad's 4th marriage is getting married in

April.  The past year has been a bit difficult to keep NC with BP Sis

because of all these damn events.  We had half-sis's college

graduation party, their engagement party and 2 weeks ago, the bridal

shower.  There were 20 women there, inc step-mom, which I chose to

hang with half-sis and her bridal party, and we were fine.  She was

on her side of the room, and I mine.  However, I think I brought this

pain on myself.  You see, I gave my Dad and step-mom Christmas gifts

for BP sis's children.  These gifts have been at their home for 7

weeks.  I asked my Dad to put the gifts in Step-mom's car, so that at

the shower, she could give them to BP sis.  I was fine up until the

end of the party, when I was loading half-sis gifts in the car.  I

noticed the Christmas gifts still there.  I asked step-mom, " Did you

give these to BP sis? "   She said, Mandy, honey, I am so sorry, but

she wouldn't

> take them "   OUCH.  Set myself up for that pain.  Typical Queen

BP, " You don't want anything to do with ME, then you'll have nothing

to do with my PAWNS (children).  Off with your head! "

>  

> We we're supposed to go over to Half-sis house after the shower,

and hang out, it was Dad's b-day too.  After that blow, I decided to

go home, couldn't take the pain. 

>  

> Now really catching you up to speed:  it's my birthday this

weekend.  My BP mom and I have made an attempt to communicate.  It

was two months ago at Christmas, and I agreed to meet her for a cup

of coffee.  BP Sis has moved the family closer to my neck of the

woods.  Only an hour away, and of course, BP Mom followed suit in her

trailer.  Have Motorhome, will travel.  I guess it was the Christmas

Spirit, maybe the FOG rolled in, who knows?  But, I met her for

coffee.  And it actually was nice to see her.  After all, it had

been  3 years.  We didn't get into heavy stuff, but she wanted to go

to counseling, work on things, etc. etc.  I guess I fell into the

Fairy Tale again.

>  

> I told her a boundary: I could handle 2 emails per month.  no phone

calls, no showing up at the house, no visits, etc.  She's been pretty

good about her boundary, surprisingly.  But, since it's my b-day, she

wanted to get a gift to me, so I agreed to see her yesterday.  BIG

MISTAKE!!!!!!

>  

> She wanted to go to the movies.  I figured that would be a safe

visit, because we wouldn't have to speak.  But, by meeting there 15

mins early, she started in on the shower situation from 2 weeks ago. 

She asked me " Do you love your sister? "   I said, look, " NO MORE

TRIANGULATION!  You're not going to suck me into a conversation about

her.  If I choose to have a email-relationship with you, and a visit

or two or year WITH YOU, that has nothing to do with me having a

relationship with BP sis. "   She said, " well, it just hurts me that

both of my daughers are hurt.  You know, your sister cried for 3 days

after that shower.  She said you wouldn't come back to the house to

hang out, because she was there.  I responded, " Do you know WHY I

didn't go??? "   She said, 'No, she thought it was because you didn't

want to be there with her. "   I said, " NO, it was because I got hurt. 

She refused the Christmas gifts for her kids.  And since, we aren't

> tango-ing, it was the only way she could hurt me. "   BP mom,

said, " Ohhh, she didn't tell me that.  How do you know she wouldn't

take them?  Maybe, she just forgot them. "   So at this point, I am

heated, borderline yelling, and trying to rationalize with this

BULLSHIT!  I said, " Well, of couse she didn't tell you any of this. 

She evokes sympathy from you, A MASTER MANIPULATOR.  Just like you

are doing to me right now. "   HOOK, LINE, SINKER.  She got me. 

>  

> Now, the rational thing would've been for me to just leave.  But, I

went and saw the damn movie, and I felt worse than I have in a LONG

TIME.  We parted and said our goodbyes.  God, help me, I hope this is

the final goodbye!!!!

>  

> I haven't told my husband any of the antics I have gone through

over the past 2 months.  I know my secrets keep me sick.  Here is a

prime example of how of how twisted and codependent and guilty I can

get.  Remember, I still have an ultimatum on me.  But, now I realize

this ultimatum is to save my life.

>  

> I am so sad today.  I'm sorry this is such a long post, but thank

God for this online group.  Words, anyone???

>

>

>

>

>