Who Am I?

[Guest guest]

Last night I finished reading last night a book about Living with

a Narcissist- not as a parent but a partner. I am so angry because so

much of the book was devoted to not only what triggers the narcissist-

but based on my childhood what triggers my want or to be attracted

to a narcissist, to need or want to be a narcissist.

As I read clearly understood why anyone can end up with a NP- but

it is my screwed up and abusive childhood that kept me staying with a

NP. There lies my inability to leave an unhealthy relationship.

Of course I am angry-but I am so hurt and confused. WHo am I in

all of this? I have decided I probably need to understand me more

before I can walk away. I am looking into a new therapist, because as

these realizations keep popping so do my anxieties. I think I was

experiencing a panic attack the other day- or damn close to it.

These personality disorder are so strong- that it takes such huge

amounts of energy to deal with them and somehow maintain a sense of

self.

Then I think do I really even have a sense of self?? I just go

back and forth in survival mode. Surviving being raised by a BP/NP

and remaining a partner to one.

Anyway....I just needed to be heard, and thank you for listening.

Malinda