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What can be accomplished dealing with a BPD?

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Hi, I'm new to this group. Been through a lot of therapies, read a

lot of books, but the info on BPD matches best what's happened in our

family with my mother. She wants me to go to family therapy with her

to work on " family problems " (not HER problems, the FAMILY problems),

which I have done twice now. Her therapist is reluctant to embrace

the BPD diagnosis, and I have suggested it, but thus far it's a new

idea to my mother and the therapist. So, we sit and discuss " family

issues " , but it's becoming apparent that she's not really there to a

certain extent. She will 'take responsibility' for the bad things she

did in the past, but doesn't show any remorse or compassion for what

her kids went through while she was raging, abandoning, threatening,

etc. I think that anyone else would recoil in abject horror at the

descriptions of some of what took place, out of compassion both for

the children being tormented and for her distracted condition. But

there is no sense of shame, guilt, horror, sadness or gut level

revulsion from her at the perversion of it all, it's just a parlor

game of who takes the blame and when. She doesn't seem able to care

that she hurt us.

In the past (and still) I wanted her to just understand what I was

going through, get some acknowledgement for my pain. I'm starting to

let go of that now. What I'm wondering is, what can reasonably be

accomplished talking to a BPD in therapy who doesn't even know what

it means to be a BPD? I can't make her think what I want her to

think, or feel real compassion, or do anything. It's not my job to

change her. But if she's locked in pre-denial (you can't deny what

you can't perceive) what can we possibly accomplish in therapy?

What's the point of even going?

On the one hand it's good learning ground for me to discover what the

messages were that I got, how I got them, how I still get them, and

how to dis-identify with those bizzarre ideas. So, it's good for me

and my progress. But I don't believe that any real progress can be

made on relations in our family so long as there is no perception on

her part about the real effects of her actions on others.

Who's been here done that, and what were your thoughts?

Thanks

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