Re: TRIGGER! New thread brought on by...

[Guest guest]

(raising hand) Me.

Except it was in reverse: nada wanted to make me into a clone of herself.

It started when I was about 10 and nada forced me to have my long hair

cut and styled like hers. That upset me badly, I felt de-feminized. I

liked having bangs and a ponytail that would swing and flip. Nada

told me I looked ugly with long hair, that my ears stuck out and were

huge. I hated my nada's hairstyle, but she forced me to wear it like

that.

Then she started doing that dress-alike thing, wanting me to wear an

outfit that matched hers. I always felt humiliated when she'd do that

to me. I was never allowed to select or buy my own clothes. Finally

when I was in my late teens I took a stand about my hair and clothes,

but I had to work up the courage for a battle. Any time I really

wanted or needed to assert my own opinions or independence it turned

into such a huge dramatic, traumatic, screaming, raging event, I never

spoke up very often. She really trained me with her hair-trigger

temper to never assert myself until I was desperate, the price was too

high.

I can't believe that she still tries to do it (or did, before I went

no-contact) and each time I decline she'll pitch a fit, like she has

the right to tell me what to wear and matching her is supposed to

flatter me. She conveniently never remembers any of the hundreds of

earlier times I've said I don't want to do that. Geez, louise.

I'm now pretty drama-phobic. And nada-phobic; I just can't take the

drama anymore, my emotional skin is worn off.

-Annie

>

> " ...does she borrow your clothes and copy your hairstyle (or expect

> you to copy hers)? It sounds like she has absolutely no idea who she

> is or how to exist without completly copying someone else (you). "

>

> Guess I never really thought about this... but Nada copies my hair to

> some degree (blatantly stated as such except MY hair, so the whining

> goes, is ALWAYS going to be better than hers and she just can't get

> hers to do what MINE does therefore, somehow, I'm bad.) She follows

> me to the same hair dresser, same products, same everything.

>

> As to clothes, OMG! We had a HUGE argument about a year ago when,

> everytime I bought something, she'd buy it too. This had been going

> on for years and, while it annoyed me, I never really called her on

> it too much. It was just a given that Nada was going to buy the same

> things. She agreed not to wear them around the same people... but

> seriously, that never worked out. I got to the point last year w

> here I just asked her to stop and then the fight ensued.

>

> She also copies my perfume, my makeup and, now, my jewelry.

>

> Geez... I think I'm going to be ill...

>

> Anyone else?

>

> Lynnette

>

[Guest guest]

Wow yep that triggers memories of my 21st. My nada suggested I buy a

dress just like hers - it was actually nice but for me more suited to

work situation than 21yo party situation - and wanted me to wear it

for my 21st pics, (it was exactly the same as her dress on that night

just slightly different in colour). I refused and wore what I wanted.

She was shitty in the photos and often commented in front of others

while looking at the photos that I should have worn a dress.

She use to also dress my little sister in similar clothes to herself

as well. Cut her hair short like hers, same shoes etc.... arghh!

>

> " ...does she borrow your clothes and copy your hairstyle (or expect

> you to copy hers)? It sounds like she has absolutely no idea who she

> is or how to exist without completly copying someone else (you). "

>

> Guess I never really thought about this... but Nada copies my hair to

> some degree (blatantly stated as such except MY hair, so the whining

> goes, is ALWAYS going to be better than hers and she just can't get

> hers to do what MINE does therefore, somehow, I'm bad.) She follows

> me to the same hair dresser, same products, same everything.

>

> As to clothes, OMG! We had a HUGE argument about a year ago when,

> everytime I bought something, she'd buy it too. This had been going

> on for years and, while it annoyed me, I never really called her on

> it too much. It was just a given that Nada was going to buy the same

> things. She agreed not to wear them around the same people... but

> seriously, that never worked out. I got to the point last year w

> here I just asked her to stop and then the fight ensued.

>

> She also copies my perfume, my makeup and, now, my jewelry.

>

> Geez... I think I'm going to be ill...

>

> Anyone else?

>

> Lynnette

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yeah...this one brings up some old memories. Two points in particular:

1. Her taste in clothing for me, which as a young child ended up

making me either look like a freaking idiot or a 40 year old (modeled

after her of course). Every picture I have of myself before the 8th

grade I'm wearing purple. Included purple glasses. She loves purple. I

can't stand it now. Even to this day she always tells me she's " found

something " that is " too cute " for me. It always ends up being the MOST

HIDEOUS thing in existence. I always end up bowing out saying, " Well

if you like it so much, why don't you keep it for yourself. " She gets

enraged and insists she's only trying to help and the proceeds to pick

apart every aspect of what I am wearing at the time.

2. Her insistence that I am fatter than I am. This one has been

destructive for so long. I've never really been thin, but I'm also six

feet tall and cursed with a large bone structure, so was never able to

be a size 2. Currently I wear a size 16, but she will insist that I am

actually a size 20 or 22 and buy me pants in this size. Or constantly

send me links to cheap stores with ugly clothes that feature sizes

" 20W - 28W. " One particularly traumatizing event was when I went to a

youth government retreat my junior year of high school. I needed my

uniform top to be a size L, but decided to go with an XL since it

would shrink. We didn't get the shirts until we arrived. When I got my

shirts I went to go fix my order at the office because for some reason

mine were XXXL. They showed me the form I submitted, and next to my

handwriting, nada had put two extra Xs in front of the XL before she

mailed it in. I was swimming in my uniform the entire retreat and

looked like an idiot in the pictures.

And herein breeds self image issues....

SJ

> >

> > " ...does she borrow your clothes and copy your hairstyle (or expect

> > you to copy hers)? It sounds like she has absolutely no idea who she

> > is or how to exist without completly copying someone else (you). "

> >

> > Guess I never really thought about this... but Nada copies my hair to

> > some degree (blatantly stated as such except MY hair, so the whining

> > goes, is ALWAYS going to be better than hers and she just can't get

> > hers to do what MINE does therefore, somehow, I'm bad.) She follows

> > me to the same hair dresser, same products, same everything.

> >

> > As to clothes, OMG! We had a HUGE argument about a year ago when,

> > everytime I bought something, she'd buy it too. This had been going

> > on for years and, while it annoyed me, I never really called her on

> > it too much. It was just a given that Nada was going to buy the same

> > things. She agreed not to wear them around the same people... but

> > seriously, that never worked out. I got to the point last year w

> > here I just asked her to stop and then the fight ensued.

> >

> > She also copies my perfume, my makeup and, now, my jewelry.

> >

> > Geez... I think I'm going to be ill...

> >

> > Anyone else?

> >

> > Lynnette

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey, I'm 6'1 " ! You're right, there is no way we would ever fit in a

size 2 ;-)

How humiliating and wrong for your mother to buy you " fat " clothes!

She must have really deep self-image issues if she has to believe her

daughter is huge in order to feel better about herself.

My mom used to offer " help " in the area of my physical appearance,

too. " I'm just trying to help you, " " I don't understand why you

wouldn't want to look nice, " " I'm telling you because I love you and

wouldn't want you to be embarassed, " (as if picking apart every

possible perceived physical flaw is the same thing as telling me I

have spinach in my teeth or something). Yeah, I understand. She's

been afraid to say anything critical at all to me though since I went

LC. Guess I got lucky.

But I still always rehearse my lines before seeing her just in case.

" Mom, I need to ask you to stop making comments about my appearance. "

and, " I'm not asking you to justify your behavior. I'm asking you to

change it. Are you willing to do that? "

kt

> > >

> > > " ...does she borrow your clothes and copy your hairstyle (or

expect

> > > you to copy hers)? It sounds like she has absolutely no idea

who she

> > > is or how to exist without completly copying someone else

(you). "

> > >

> > > Guess I never really thought about this... but Nada copies my

hair to

> > > some degree (blatantly stated as such except MY hair, so the

whining

> > > goes, is ALWAYS going to be better than hers and she just can't

get

> > > hers to do what MINE does therefore, somehow, I'm bad.) She

follows

> > > me to the same hair dresser, same products, same everything.

> > >

> > > As to clothes, OMG! We had a HUGE argument about a year ago

when,

> > > everytime I bought something, she'd buy it too. This had been

going

> > > on for years and, while it annoyed me, I never really called

her on

> > > it too much. It was just a given that Nada was going to buy

the same

> > > things. She agreed not to wear them around the same people...

but

> > > seriously, that never worked out. I got to the point last year

w

> > > here I just asked her to stop and then the fight ensued.

> > >

> > > She also copies my perfume, my makeup and, now, my jewelry.

> > >

> > > Geez... I think I'm going to be ill...

> > >

> > > Anyone else?

> > >

> > > Lynnette

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Bletch!

In 7th grade I went from 4'10 " to 5'7 " in 9 months. Hard for anyone

let alone a gymnast. And I developed large breasts (34C.) And I got

hips.

I still played Softball and skied weekly (if not more.) I ended up

at 150# of lean, solid muscle mid way through 8th grade (topped out

at 5'9 " by then.)

Mom sent me to a shrink for my 'FAT ISSUES.'

" No man will EVER want a woman over 150#'s. "

Yep, lots of food issues in H.S. and college and in my 20's. Now I'm

realizing my bombshell curves are just that...

She still hates the attention I receive and takes every opportunity

to tell me so.

Lynnette

> > > >

> > > > " ...does she borrow your clothes and copy your hairstyle (or

> expect

> > > > you to copy hers)? It sounds like she has absolutely no idea

> who she

> > > > is or how to exist without completly copying someone else

> (you). "

> > > >

> > > > Guess I never really thought about this... but Nada copies my

> hair to

> > > > some degree (blatantly stated as such except MY hair, so the

> whining

> > > > goes, is ALWAYS going to be better than hers and she just

can't

> get

> > > > hers to do what MINE does therefore, somehow, I'm bad.) She

> follows

> > > > me to the same hair dresser, same products, same everything.

> > > >

> > > > As to clothes, OMG! We had a HUGE argument about a year ago

> when,

> > > > everytime I bought something, she'd buy it too. This had

been

> going

> > > > on for years and, while it annoyed me, I never really called

> her on

> > > > it too much. It was just a given that Nada was going to buy

> the same

> > > > things. She agreed not to wear them around the same

people...

> but

> > > > seriously, that never worked out. I got to the point last

year

> w

> > > > here I just asked her to stop and then the fight ensued.

> > > >

> > > > She also copies my perfume, my makeup and, now, my jewelry.

> > > >

> > > > Geez... I think I'm going to be ill...

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else?

> > > >

> > > > Lynnette

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Alright, I didn't trigger at first as my nada stopped doing my hair

and dressing me like her when I was about 7 yrs old bc I threw such

fits. She picked her battle on that one I guess. But she did pass

down her body image issues to me. I became anorexic for about a year

in high school and she basically encouraged me...

Anyway, my issue is my boobs! (I also have the big bone, 5'8 " , size

12 in 7th grade despite being very athletic/distance

runner/skater...) She had me in padded bras when I was in 7th grade!

I was a figure skater and like gymnasts, most of the other skaters

had athlete bodies and no boobs either. But that didn't stop nada

from implanting her insecurity on me. She insisted I wear, not just

the lightly padded bras, but the thick padded bras for a

competition. I never wore more than those training type bras before

that. Urggh!

> >

> > " ...does she borrow your clothes and copy your hairstyle (or

expect

> > you to copy hers)? It sounds like she has absolutely no idea who

she

> > is or how to exist without completly copying someone else (you). "

> >

> > Guess I never really thought about this... but Nada copies my

hair to

> > some degree (blatantly stated as such except MY hair, so the

whining

> > goes, is ALWAYS going to be better than hers and she just can't

get

> > hers to do what MINE does therefore, somehow, I'm bad.) She

follows

> > me to the same hair dresser, same products, same everything.

> >

> > As to clothes, OMG! We had a HUGE argument about a year ago

when,

> > everytime I bought something, she'd buy it too. This had been

going

> > on for years and, while it annoyed me, I never really called her

on

> > it too much. It was just a given that Nada was going to buy the

same

> > things. She agreed not to wear them around the same people...

but

> > seriously, that never worked out. I got to the point last year w

> > here I just asked her to stop and then the fight ensued.

> >

> > She also copies my perfume, my makeup and, now, my jewelry.

> >

> > Geez... I think I'm going to be ill...

> >

> > Anyone else?

> >

> > Lynnette

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Whoa - that is pretty sick - making you wear padded bras.

Oddly, this is one area where I never had a problem with my mom. She

dresses better than I do right now. I would say it's because she has

more $$, which is what I used to think, but my parents just sold their

home because they were so deeply in debt, so now I know it's just

because she spends beyond her means. With three kids and a house and

me a SAHM now, as opposed to dh's and my 8 childless years in an

apartment, I have had to scale my spending way back and rely a lot on

clearance sales and consignment shops. I actually love my mom's

clothes. lol. She was a teenager when I was born, and looks young for

her age anyway, and she always looks gorgeous. That's one area where

my mom and I see eye-to-eye much of the time - clothes. It's

superficial, but at least I can pay her honest compliments - I really

mean it when I say, " That's a gorgeous sweater. "

OTOH, my grandmother, who definitely has something going on in the

mental health department, perhaps BPD, buys people ugly clothes and

gifts that are waaay out-of-touch. I love her but it was always a

blessing that she lived far away and wouldn't know it if I didn't wear

the jeans that she bought for me that were actually boys' jeans. And

my mom always had stories about the outrageous things Grandma would

buy for her and haircuts she would give her, etc. I am a bit of a

granola girl and my kids don't watch a lot of TV and I don't like

typical mass-market toys like Bratz, Barbie, etc., and my Grandma

showed up in December with a Barbie, with a full array of hootchi-mama

clothes, for my daughter. She has no clue. I compromised by letting my

daughter keep the ballerina Barbie (I figured that was the least

offensive Barbie I could think of anyway) and promised to take her

shopping for nicer clothes for her. And she bought an outfit for my

baby boy who was born at 8 lbs 14 oz., but the size of the outfit is

" preemie " . And she removed all the tags, so it's not like I can

exchange it. She knew how big my baby was. I don't get it.

> > >

> > > " ...does she borrow your clothes and copy your hairstyle (or

> expect

> > > you to copy hers)? It sounds like she has absolutely no idea who

> she

> > > is or how to exist without completly copying someone else (you). "

> > >

> > > Guess I never really thought about this... but Nada copies my

> hair to

> > > some degree (blatantly stated as such except MY hair, so the

> whining

> > > goes, is ALWAYS going to be better than hers and she just can't

> get

> > > hers to do what MINE does therefore, somehow, I'm bad.) She

> follows

> > > me to the same hair dresser, same products, same everything.

> > >

> > > As to clothes, OMG! We had a HUGE argument about a year ago

> when,

> > > everytime I bought something, she'd buy it too. This had been

> going

> > > on for years and, while it annoyed me, I never really called her

> on

> > > it too much. It was just a given that Nada was going to buy the

> same

> > > things. She agreed not to wear them around the same people...

> but

> > > seriously, that never worked out. I got to the point last year w

> > > here I just asked her to stop and then the fight ensued.

> > >

> > > She also copies my perfume, my makeup and, now, my jewelry.

> > >

> > > Geez... I think I'm going to be ill...

> > >

> > > Anyone else?

> > >

> > > Lynnette

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yep. Matching hats, matching outfits. How embarrassing. She goes

through weird reinventions now and still buys me stuff that... is so

far from stuff I would wear. e.g. she was going through this kind

of " punk " stage (nada is VERY impressionable) so she bought me and bf

matching leather cuffs with the word F**K spraypainted on in big bold

caps.

Um. I wouldn't have thought they were cool when I was 16. I'm a

teacher. I dress fairly conservatively. I'm a modest kind of person

who thinks that image is a waste of my time. Why the heck would I

want a red and black leather cuff with swears on it?

Anyway. Getting sidetracked here.

This topic always reminds me of a certain scene from a fairly random

movie - " drop dead fred " - there is a scene in this where an adult

daughter moves back in with her mother and the mother insists on her

cutting her hair to be exactly the same as hers and dressing her in

exactly the same icky power suits so she looks " better " .

It's totally a movie about a child of a borderline mother - I only

see it now. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101775/plotsummary

>

> " ...does she borrow your clothes and copy your hairstyle (or expect

> you to copy hers)? It sounds like she has absolutely no idea who

she

> is or how to exist without completly copying someone else (you). "

>

> Guess I never really thought about this... but Nada copies my hair

to

> some degree (blatantly stated as such except MY hair, so the

whining

> goes, is ALWAYS going to be better than hers and she just can't get

> hers to do what MINE does therefore, somehow, I'm bad.) She

follows

> me to the same hair dresser, same products, same everything.

>

> As to clothes, OMG! We had a HUGE argument about a year ago when,

> everytime I bought something, she'd buy it too. This had been

going

> on for years and, while it annoyed me, I never really called her on

> it too much. It was just a given that Nada was going to buy the

same

> things. She agreed not to wear them around the same people... but

> seriously, that never worked out. I got to the point last year w

> here I just asked her to stop and then the fight ensued.

>

> She also copies my perfume, my makeup and, now, my jewelry.

>

> Geez... I think I'm going to be ill...

>

> Anyone else?

>

> Lynnette

>

[Guest guest]

My mom dressed me like her too, but I think her problem was a lack of

fashion sense. I wore high waisted, peg leg jeans into high school

before I insisted on dressing my age not hers.

The fat thing on the other hand. . .

from the time I was 8 years old my mom told me that if I was fat no

one would want to be my friend. I don't remember what size I was

then, but I do know that through middle school and all of high school

I was a size 7. She would try and control my food and force me to

diet. I was convinced that she was anorexic, and whated me to be

anorexic just like her. I was so glad to get out of the house, and

go from a size 7 to a size 9 without hearing her tell me how fat I

was.

> > > >

> > > > " ...does she borrow your clothes and copy your hairstyle (or

> expect

> > > > you to copy hers)? It sounds like she has absolutely no idea

> who she

> > > > is or how to exist without completly copying someone else

> (you). "

> > > >

> > > > Guess I never really thought about this... but Nada copies my

> hair to

> > > > some degree (blatantly stated as such except MY hair, so the

> whining

> > > > goes, is ALWAYS going to be better than hers and she just

can't

> get

> > > > hers to do what MINE does therefore, somehow, I'm bad.) She

> follows

> > > > me to the same hair dresser, same products, same everything.

> > > >

> > > > As to clothes, OMG! We had a HUGE argument about a year ago

> when,

> > > > everytime I bought something, she'd buy it too. This had

been

> going

> > > > on for years and, while it annoyed me, I never really called

> her on

> > > > it too much. It was just a given that Nada was going to buy

> the same

> > > > things. She agreed not to wear them around the same

people...

> but

> > > > seriously, that never worked out. I got to the point last

year

> w

> > > > here I just asked her to stop and then the fight ensued.

> > > >

> > > > She also copies my perfume, my makeup and, now, my jewelry.

> > > >

> > > > Geez... I think I'm going to be ill...

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else?

> > > >

> > > > Lynnette

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yup, my sis and I were also expected to be clones in every single

way - especially in terms of taste and style. When stepnada came

into our lives she was HORRIFIED that we didn't want to wear

dresses. Any time we were taken shopping as children, we were always

led to the dress section and had to pick at least one dress in order

to get clothes we actually wanted. Two months later, that dress

still hung in the closet with the tags still firmly attached, and the

guilt trips started. If we were lucky she would just pout for a few

hours. If we weren't so lucky - WWIII and our father begging us to

kiss her ass. As we hit our teenage years my sister and eye both

went through a " goth-ish " phase and wore tons of black. Stepnada

HATED this and never missed an opportunity to tell us how awful we

looked in black (which is weird to me now because when I wear black I

get complimented for how well I pull off wearing black). One night I

got to hear my stepnada tell my sister how ugly she looked in black

and how it made her acne stand out even worse. My sister finally

fled from the room in tears. My father said nothing THE WHOLE TIME (

I was cowering in my bed in the other room). You think he would've

stood up for his beautiful daughter.

And shopping for my bridesmaids dresses with her AND my mom in tow

was a complete nightmare and led to the first time I had to tell my

dad that I was done with her and no longer wanted her in my life.

She damn near ruined my wedding. Which I know has happened to a lot

of people on this board. BP's just can't stand it when someone else

is getting all the collective attention - not even a wedding is

exempt from this narcissism. She wanted me to pick a certain dress

and most of the girls didn't like it. I wanted to consider their

feelings in the matter as my bridesmaids were my sisters and my best

friend. And I wanted them to have a dress they liked and could wear

again sometime. She even went as far as to pretend like she was

choking my mother behind our backs when my mother dared to agree with

me (which my baby sis saw and was horrified by). I was so stressed

by the end of the shopping trip that I had a migraine and was in

tears. My mother offered to write a very kind email to all the

ladies in attendance that day (my future MIL, stepnada, sisters and

my friend) thanking them for being so loving towards me but asking

that I be allowed to pick the dress out on my own completely since I

had a hard time hurting anyone's feelings (stepnada's) by choosing

one preference over another. I guess my stepnada completely FREAKED

OUT and confronted my sister about it when she recieved the email

which led to a screaming fight and her telling my sister to f*** off

just before hanging up on her. Sis was devastated and she and mom

tried to fix the problem immediately by apologizing and doing

whatever it took to keep me from knowing what happened (so as not to

stress me further). Sis had to beg my father to call me, which I

guess he wasn't going to do. He was going to cut me off then and

there. The next morning (I still didn't know about the fight) I

opened and email from stepnada proclaiming that she wouldn't be

coming to the wedding and that my mother's husband could walk me down

the aisle unless my father decided he wanted to attend the wedding

DESPITE what I had put her through. I lost it and bawled all day at

work - I couldn't imagine my father not walking me down the aisle.

Later on, my father begged me to meet him alone and tried to take the

blame for the email, claiming that he was the one who wrote it. Gosh

dad, I didn't know you liked to refer to yourself in the third

person!! I knew he was lying. I laid it all out for him that day,

then went home and puked. It was the hardest conversation of my

life. Things worked themselves out though, but I found out a year

after the wedding that she confronted my MIL DURING THE WEDDING and

begged my MIL's forgiveness in the matter. My MIL comforted her as

best she could and told stepnada nothing was wrong, she had never

been mad, and just to forget anything about it. My stepnada started

bawling and told her that " nothing would be forgotten. " Then she ran

out of the room.

Clothes = nada's flashpoint.

-allcats

>

> " ...does she borrow your clothes and copy your hairstyle (or expect

> you to copy hers)? It sounds like she has absolutely no idea who

she

> is or how to exist without completly copying someone else (you). "

>

> Guess I never really thought about this... but Nada copies my hair

to

> some degree (blatantly stated as such except MY hair, so the

whining

> goes, is ALWAYS going to be better than hers and she just can't get

> hers to do what MINE does therefore, somehow, I'm bad.) She

follows

> me to the same hair dresser, same products, same everything.

>

> As to clothes, OMG! We had a HUGE argument about a year ago when,

> everytime I bought something, she'd buy it too. This had been

going

> on for years and, while it annoyed me, I never really called her on

> it too much. It was just a given that Nada was going to buy the

same

> things. She agreed not to wear them around the same people... but

> seriously, that never worked out. I got to the point last year w

> here I just asked her to stop and then the fight ensued.

>

> She also copies my perfume, my makeup and, now, my jewelry.

>

> Geez... I think I'm going to be ill...

>

> Anyone else?

>

> Lynnette

>