Guest guest Posted February 3, 2009 Report Share Posted February 3, 2009 I am new to this group, and I have only been reading these posts for a short while. It strikes me in this admittedly small sample that a lot of the discussion is about reducing contact, about examples of hurtful exchanges, about incidents of abuse. I am curious, does compassion fit in somewhere? How often does it come up? My sibling and I are fresh from a recent BPD diagnosis for our mother, following a horrifying holiday suicide attempt. Ever since I can remember she has been " eccentric, " " depressed, " " angry. " Yes, she hit us, yes, she emotionally tortured us as kids. But it still felt like the world turned upside down when we found out she tried to kill herself. It doesn't take being " under her spell " to feel utterly devastated. A lot of the posts on here are about mothers who have BPD but also seem to have homes, jobs, husbands, friends, churches. Husbands?! There must be a wide range of levels of function in BPD. Our experience is that she is very low functioning, completely isolated by choice, unable to do things like clean, pay bills, hold a job, have friends, do laundry, put together a non-crazy-looking outfit. BPD issues like sending an unwanted gift? Calling too much? Cleaning out her house I found stashes of mail, Christmas cards, thank you notes, handwritten letters from her little granddaughters, unopened, dating back years and years, enough to fill garbage bags. A room in the house had been serving as cat box; there was something growing maggots in the back of a kitchen cupboard. In my adult life, I can count on one hand the number of times she has voluntarily called me on the phone. Low contact is not going to help anyone here. Her clinical diagnoses include BPD, chronic suicidality, depression and transitory psychosis. In real life this translates to her not being able to get up in the morning, lashing out at us, accusing us of terrible things, rarely answering the phone, never checking voicemail, relating scary delusional incidents that she believes happen to her. She has filed offical complaints against every medical institution she has come in contact with. Daily we might either be her hero or conspiring against her. Yes, BPD has a lot of characteristics that make social interactions difficult, but that is part of the pathology. She has a terrifying mental illness. She is on some extremely serious meds. My emotions have been on a roller coaster, going from fury, to fear, to lately, sadness. When she says hateful things, it is easy to take it personally but I am trying to see it in the big picture. Deep down, she doesn't want to be alive. She wants to injure us, but she is severely ill. I am trying to manage my automatic reactions to this new reality. I had a psychiatrist tell me that the adrenaline I have had running through me for these two months isn't healthy. But " No Contact " ? Not an option: she can't care for herself right now. So instead we find that we deal with her, which asks of us a heartbreaking combination of maturity, responsibility, and loving detachment. After reading this board it seems that probably the NAMI resources are the best place for adult children who need the kind of information we need on how to help her and ourselves -- DBT resources, long-term disability strategies, treatment options -- but where does that leave boards like this? A place where people seek validation for compassion fatigue? Talk to me in ten years and see if I feel the same way, but that only makes me sadder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 3, 2009 Report Share Posted February 3, 2009 annfrank, You- as we each must decide what is best for your personal situation. I do have contact with my mother. I do love my mother, and I think I am a good daughter. With that said- I have boundaries now, and I do protect my feelings and my life from my mother's lack of healthy boundaries, actions and words to me. I always did what my mother asked of me. For 8 years I helped my mother take care of her parents, while I had a young child. I took my grandparents to drs appts, cleaned their house, did cooking- eventually hospital and nursing home visits. I also for easily 15 shoveled snow for my parents- helped them clean, did yard work for them in the spring, summer and fall. I was involved with daughter's school- girl scout leader-I did everything for everyone. I showed compassion to everyone, but me. I finally just became so depressed and exhausted, that I had to change my life. I have forgiven my mother- I know she gives me what she is capable to give me. We are not good or bad people- or compassionate or not compassionate people- we are people trying to do the best we can with what we were given, just like you. Your situation doesn't sound easy- and I do have empathy for you- but please remember you in all of this. This disorder is not easy, and taking care of another person is exhausting. Good luck, Malinda In WTOAdultChildren1 , " annfrank40 " wrote: > > I am new to this group, and I have only been reading these posts for > a short while. It strikes me in this admittedly small sample that a > lot of the discussion is about reducing contact, about examples of > hurtful exchanges, about incidents of abuse. I am curious, does > compassion fit in somewhere? How often does it come up? > > My sibling and I are fresh from a recent BPD diagnosis for our > mother, following a horrifying holiday suicide attempt. Ever since I > can remember she has been " eccentric, " " depressed, " " angry. " Yes, > she hit us, yes, she emotionally tortured us as kids. But it still > felt like the world turned upside down when we found out she tried to > kill herself. It doesn't take being " under her spell " to feel > utterly devastated. > > A lot of the posts on here are about mothers who have BPD but also > seem to have homes, jobs, husbands, friends, churches. Husbands?! > There must be a wide range of levels of function in BPD. Our > experience is that she is very low functioning, completely isolated > by choice, unable to do things like clean, pay bills, hold a job, > have friends, do laundry, put together a non-crazy-looking outfit. > BPD issues like sending an unwanted gift? Calling too much? > Cleaning out her house I found stashes of mail, Christmas cards, > thank you notes, handwritten letters from her little granddaughters, > unopened, dating back years and years, enough to fill garbage bags. > A room in the house had been serving as cat box; there was something > growing maggots in the back of a kitchen cupboard. In my adult life, > I can count on one hand the number of times she has voluntarily > called me on the phone. Low contact is not going to help anyone here. > > Her clinical diagnoses include BPD, chronic suicidality, depression > and transitory psychosis. In real life this translates to her not > being able to get up in the morning, lashing out at us, accusing us > of terrible things, rarely answering the phone, never checking > voicemail, relating scary delusional incidents that she believes > happen to her. She has filed offical complaints against every > medical institution she has come in contact with. Daily we > might either be her hero or conspiring against her. > > Yes, BPD has a lot of characteristics that make social interactions > difficult, but that is part of the pathology. She has a terrifying > mental illness. She is on some extremely serious meds. > > My emotions have been on a roller coaster, going from fury, to fear, > to lately, sadness. When she says hateful things, it is easy to take > it personally but I am trying to see it in the big picture. Deep > down, she doesn't want to be alive. She wants to injure us, but she > is severely ill. > > I am trying to manage my automatic reactions to this new reality. I > had a psychiatrist tell me that the adrenaline I have had running > through me for these two months isn't healthy. But " No Contact " ? > Not an option: she can't care for herself right now. > > So instead we find that we deal with her, which asks of us a > heartbreaking combination of maturity, responsibility, and loving > detachment. > > After reading this board it seems that probably the NAMI resources > are the best place for adult children who need the kind of > information we need on how to help her and ourselves -- DBT > resources, long-term disability strategies, treatment options -- but > where does that leave boards like this? A place where people seek > validation for compassion fatigue? > > Talk to me in ten years and see if I feel the same way, but that only > makes me sadder. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 5, 2009 Report Share Posted February 5, 2009 My mother is low functioning as well, and I still can't bring myself to be overly involved in her life. She used to call crying hysterically several times a day. I asked her nicely not to call me unless she was in a better mood and she took that to mean " don't call me " and she has never called me again, but if I don't call her, she gets hysterical all over again. She hasn't attempted suicide for a while, she's more into getting into fistfights with strangers bigger than her/sleeping with 100,000,000,000 weird abusive people/using drugs and alcohol even though she has hepatitus C. I can't stop her and I'm not strong enough to watch her. All I can do is do my best to help her to see that she has someone who cares for her. If I felt that she was truly as alone as she feels sometimes I would feel too deeply sad for her. For the record, I think validation for compassion fatigue has its place. In a world where the primary experience has been accessing suitable emotions such as love or understanding for a needy parent, but always falling short somehow, I think it's sometimes important to acknowledge (or attempt to access) your real feelings, whether these are compassionate or not. I have compassion towards my parents (sometimes), but I am still also deeply hurt and have not transcended the loss I feel for never having the experience of being a real child. This makes me less willing to put myself second after my parents ever again. I veer between compassion for them and resentment for the situation (and yes, sometimes resentment for them to). That doesn't mean that the " heartbreaking combination of maturity, responsibility, and loving detachment " isn't a big part of my life as well (beautiful phrasing, by the way)... it's just that I dearly, dearly wish it didn't have to be. > > I am new to this group, and I have only been reading these posts for > a short while. It strikes me in this admittedly small sample that a > lot of the discussion is about reducing contact, about examples of > hurtful exchanges, about incidents of abuse. I am curious, does > compassion fit in somewhere? How often does it come up? > > My sibling and I are fresh from a recent BPD diagnosis for our > mother, following a horrifying holiday suicide attempt. Ever since I > can remember she has been " eccentric, " " depressed, " " angry. " Yes, > she hit us, yes, she emotionally tortured us as kids. But it still > felt like the world turned upside down when we found out she tried to > kill herself. It doesn't take being " under her spell " to feel > utterly devastated. > > A lot of the posts on here are about mothers who have BPD but also > seem to have homes, jobs, husbands, friends, churches. Husbands?! > There must be a wide range of levels of function in BPD. Our > experience is that she is very low functioning, completely isolated > by choice, unable to do things like clean, pay bills, hold a job, > have friends, do laundry, put together a non-crazy-looking outfit. > BPD issues like sending an unwanted gift? Calling too much? > Cleaning out her house I found stashes of mail, Christmas cards, > thank you notes, handwritten letters from her little granddaughters, > unopened, dating back years and years, enough to fill garbage bags. > A room in the house had been serving as cat box; there was something > growing maggots in the back of a kitchen cupboard. In my adult life, > I can count on one hand the number of times she has voluntarily > called me on the phone. Low contact is not going to help anyone here. > > Her clinical diagnoses include BPD, chronic suicidality, depression > and transitory psychosis. In real life this translates to her not > being able to get up in the morning, lashing out at us, accusing us > of terrible things, rarely answering the phone, never checking > voicemail, relating scary delusional incidents that she believes > happen to her. She has filed offical complaints against every > medical institution she has come in contact with. Daily we > might either be her hero or conspiring against her. > > Yes, BPD has a lot of characteristics that make social interactions > difficult, but that is part of the pathology. She has a terrifying > mental illness. She is on some extremely serious meds. > > My emotions have been on a roller coaster, going from fury, to fear, > to lately, sadness. When she says hateful things, it is easy to take > it personally but I am trying to see it in the big picture. Deep > down, she doesn't want to be alive. She wants to injure us, but she > is severely ill. > > I am trying to manage my automatic reactions to this new reality. I > had a psychiatrist tell me that the adrenaline I have had running > through me for these two months isn't healthy. But " No Contact " ? > Not an option: she can't care for herself right now. > > So instead we find that we deal with her, which asks of us a > heartbreaking combination of maturity, responsibility, and loving > detachment. > > After reading this board it seems that probably the NAMI resources > are the best place for adult children who need the kind of > information we need on how to help her and ourselves -- DBT > resources, long-term disability strategies, treatment options -- but > where does that leave boards like this? A place where people seek > validation for compassion fatigue? > > Talk to me in ten years and see if I feel the same way, but that only > makes me sadder. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 5, 2009 Report Share Posted February 5, 2009 Thank you! I just wanted to say I think that our compassion is not only clear in our posts to each other, but clear in our thoughts and actions. I see hear each day wonderful human beings who have been repeatedly abused- comings to terms with their abusive treatment from their parents, trying to establish healthy boundaries and somehow still develop for the first time compassion within themselves for all they have endured. I see others here continually question their compassion to their abuser, seeking validation for all they have tried to repeatly do and give to their abusive parents- with the same results. I think most of us have gone beyond showing compassion over and over to our bp parents- till one day we realize the person who was really being denied the compassion - was us. Either directly by our abusers, or becoming so involved with the abuser that we neglect our needs and end our compassion to ourselves. Malinda In WTOAdultChildren1 , Kotchteddy@... wrote: > > malinda, great post!!!! > **************Great Deals on Dell Laptops. Starting at $499. > (http://pr.atwola.com/promoclk/100000075x1217883258x1201191827/aol? redir=http://ad.doubleclick. > net/clk;211531132;33070124;e) > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 7, 2009 Report Share Posted February 7, 2009 hi there i wanted to make it clear that my definition of compassion for our nada's shouldn't be confused with buying into every single drama in their lives and feeling responsible for each of their (self inflicted) hurts and (self inflicted) heartaches and (self inflicted) lack of ability to relate to just about anyone...i didn't mean that anyone should have compassion at the expense of themselves. in fact i think that unless you have gotten to the stage where you DO have compassion for yourself it is highly uunlikey that you can have genuine compassion for another person, let alone a bpd. also i'd to clarify that i think that having compassion for others does not mean you need to take responsiblity for them - it simply means you can see their suffering (and bpds do suffer, they live sad, wasteful and terrible lives for the most part, easily as much as the terrible suffering they inflict on others around them) and feel for them. it doesn't mean to need to help them, engage with them or even have any contact with them! in fact as many of us knopw it is often better, in the case of bpd's, that you don't. but to have a detached ability to see them for what they are, not what they have done or do to us, and feel for their twistedness really actually help you to let go and move on into your own life. i hope i'm not preaching, don't mean to be, but i did want to make clear my thoughts and feelings on compassion. jesus christ's biggest and most important lesson...(and i'm not even religious!) cheers b > > > > > > I am new to this group, and I have only been reading these posts > > for > > > a short while. It strikes me in this admittedly small sample > that > > a > > > lot of the discussion is about reducing contact, about examples > of > > > hurtful exchanges, about incidents of abuse. I am curious, does > > > compassion fit in somewhere? How often does it come up? > > > > > > My sibling and I are fresh from a recent BPD diagnosis for our > > > mother, following a horrifying holiday suicide attempt. Ever > > since I > > > can remember she has been " eccentric, " " depressed, " " angry. " > Yes, > > > she hit us, yes, she emotionally tortured us as kids. But it > > still > > > felt like the world turned upside down when we found out she > tried > > to > > > kill herself. It doesn't take being " under her spell " to feel > > > utterly devastated. > > > > > > A lot of the posts on here are about mothers who have BPD but > also > > > seem to have homes, jobs, husbands, friends, churches. > > Husbands?! > > > There must be a wide range of levels of function in BPD. Our > > > experience is that she is very low functioning, completely > > isolated > > > by choice, unable to do things like clean, pay bills, hold a > job, > > > have friends, do laundry, put together a non-crazy-looking > > outfit. > > > BPD issues like sending an unwanted gift? Calling too much? > > > Cleaning out her house I found stashes of mail, Christmas cards, > > > thank you notes, handwritten letters from her little > > granddaughters, > > > unopened, dating back years and years, enough to fill garbage > > bags. > > > A room in the house had been serving as cat box; there was > > something > > > growing maggots in the back of a kitchen cupboard. In my adult > > life, > > > I can count on one hand the number of times she has voluntarily > > > called me on the phone. Low contact is not going to help anyone > > here. > > > > > > Her clinical diagnoses include BPD, chronic suicidality, > > depression > > > and transitory psychosis. In real life this translates to her > not > > > being able to get up in the morning, lashing out at us, accusing > > us > > > of terrible things, rarely answering the phone, never checking > > > voicemail, relating scary delusional incidents that she believes > > > happen to her. She has filed offical complaints against every > > > medical institution she has come in contact with. Daily we > > > might either be her hero or conspiring against her. > > > > > > Yes, BPD has a lot of characteristics that make social > > interactions > > > difficult, but that is part of the pathology. She has a > > terrifying > > > mental illness. She is on some extremely serious meds. > > > > > > My emotions have been on a roller coaster, going from fury, to > > fear, > > > to lately, sadness. When she says hateful things, it is easy to > > take > > > it personally but I am trying to see it in the big picture. > Deep > > > down, she doesn't want to be alive. She wants to injure us, but > > she > > > is severely ill. > > > > > > I am trying to manage my automatic reactions to this new > reality. > > I > > > had a psychiatrist tell me that the adrenaline I have had > running > > > through me for these two months isn't healthy. But " No > Contact " ? > > > Not an option: she can't care for herself right now. > > > > > > So instead we find that we deal with her, which asks of us a > > > heartbreaking combination of maturity, responsibility, and > loving > > > detachment. > > > > > > After reading this board it seems that probably the NAMI > resources > > > are the best place for adult children who need the kind of > > > information we need on how to help her and ourselves -- DBT > > > resources, long-term disability strategies, treatment options -- > > but > > > where does that leave boards like this? A place where people > seek > > > validation for compassion fatigue? > > > > > > Talk to me in ten years and see if I feel the same way, but that > > only > > > makes me sadder. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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