Fw: Cat & Dog

[Guest guest]

Cat & Dog

How to give your cat a pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a

baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and

gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens

mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and

repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws

tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with

right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse

from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear

paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Ask spouse to hold head firmly with one

hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's

throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Take note to

buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and

vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible

from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with

pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take

taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from

carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.

Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force

mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. Fetch

screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.

11. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to

cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to

cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new

one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from across the road. Apologize to

neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from

foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind

tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push

pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold

head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room,

sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants

from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to

see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.