And the hits keep coming

[Guest guest]

I really didn't think I could feel any worse right now, but I was

wrong. As family and friends are finding out what happened I keep

hearing the same thing, he talked to me about it a couple times but I

never thought he would do it and they didn't know how to tell me.

Evidentally he has been planning this for at least a year near as I

can tell. It makes me sick to my stomach to think I've been living a

lie for that long, and worse that I never saw the signs.

I admit I take pain meds, muscle relaxers, xanax, etc, but I assure you they

don't give me any type of high that would cause me to miss this for that long

(although right now I wish they did).

How could he have been so fake, cuddled, said he loved me, had sex with me (of

course I could probably count the times), pretend to be my husband, for what? To

make me miserable for a year while he perfected his escape route?

That man that left is not the man I married, and the more I find out

the more I think I've been living with a stranger for a long time

now. I can't really be upset with the people he told, even though

they are my friends and family, because how would they know for sure

it wasn't just letting off steam after a fight or something, we've

all done the same, at least I have.

It's hurting so much to find all of this out but it making it easier to let the

love go. The irony?

The first two years we were married he left us three times. The last

time I hid money until I had $5000 saved that he knew nothing about.

The last time he left was 3 years ago (almost to the day).

Last October I started to have to tap into the money to fix his work

truck, home repairs, etc. He never knew where the money came from,

but things were fine, all was good, right? So if he had left a year

ago when he started talking about it I would have the money I had put

away just in case it happened, but because he stayed and lied to me

day in and day out it's all gone.

Then on top of it he stayed long enough to go through my income tax money and my

stimulus check (which were both mine since we file seperate because he owes back

child support). Less than a week after he helped spend the money from the

stimulus check I got served.

My God, I could have paid my car payment or something with that until I got on

my feet. And to add insult he takes most of what was in the checking account

with him when I have bills do.

I try really hard not to hate people, I really do, but between him, his mom, and

his sister I am really having a hard time. I want to hit him, over and over. I

want him to hurt like I hurt.

I have never wished chronic pain on anyone but I wish he could have it just for

a year or two, just so he knows what I have to go through and how hard it is for

me to function as well as I do.

No, I'm not happy all of the time, but my God who with CP is? Maybe

if I had a husband who wanted to be a husband, who wanted to be a

partner, who once in a while could just hold my hand and say I know I

can't do anything.

But I'm here, just hug me once in a while, done anything but sit out in the

garage watching TV getting stoned or playing video games, maybe then I could

have been a little happier.

He can blame me, my depression, my back, everything else all on me,

but he never tried and now I wonder if he ever cared. I know he did

in the beginning, but I think the only reason he kept coming back was

because he didn't want to be alone and he can't stand feeling guilty,

it eats away at him.

You know what? Guilt can't eat away at you unless you've done something you can

feel guity about. I had really large trust issues before this, but I don't

think I'll be able to trust any man that way again. I'll always be scared of

him just picking up and walking out, like they all seem to do (my father

included).

Wow, do they make " happy " pills that work instantly and make all the

problems go away until your strong enough to deal with them, or maybe

even so you only have to deal with a little at a time so your chest

doesn't tighten and you get short of breath whenever you think about

it all?? I think the drug companies should make that pill.

Thanks again for listening to the venting.

in Florida