Re: The off and on

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group. Sorry you needed to find us.

Your post below is exactly the way my nada behaved when Sister and I

were little, and it was both bewildering and terrifying. My mother

could turn into a raging monster in the blink of an eye, and rage at

us and beat us and call us horrible names, and then in another blink

of an eye she'd be happy and singing as though nothing had happened.

That is pretty severe child abuse.

" Nothing happened to you, and if you try to bring it up or flinch away

from me in fear, I'll turn into a monster and rage at you again. "

No wonder we are screwed up, we had to literally warp reality in order

to survive the unpredictable mood swings of an insane person.

That's why I think that bpds should not be allowed to raise children,

they're too unstable.

-Annie

>

> As I said in a nother topic, I just joined and am currently working

> through the swoe workbook, going through the book has been stirring

> up so many childhood memories and painful feelings. The ones im

> reliving right now are the memories of the horrible blow ups my nada

> would have, and the strange, unapologetic calm which would follow.

> Nada would scream awful things like she had never wanted me and

> having me ruined her life, that I was an awful person and going to

> hell, she would slap and " spank " me, etc etc etc... then a short time

> later, sometimes as short as an hour, sometimes the next morning, all

> would be well again, she would hug me, fix me breakfast, give me a

> bit of extra money for lunch at school things like that. She would

> never apoligize or even reference the earlier fit, ignoring any

> physical marks such as a swollen or cut lip or toilet paper in my

> nose to keep it from bleeding, and being so sweet and loving that I

> felt like I was the crazy one. I didnt understand how if she hated me

> so much like she had said before, she could now be so sweet and kind.

> I didnt understand how she could just stop being so angry with me and

> start being so nice. I am beginning to realize how going through this

> from birth through my teen years has deeply affected how I percieve

> many situations. On the one hand it almost is good because I almost

> never hold a grudge against what people say to me in anger, being

> able to forgive and forget quite easily, but it also allows me to let

> others treat me very badly and forgive them when I shouldnt, whic has

> affeted me badly also. I lack any perspective on what is healthy

> forgiveness of a loved ones mistake and what is unhealthy and

> allowing others to continue to treat me badly. I hope that with

> therapy and work I will be able to gain this but I dont know if you

> can overcome something thats been trained in you since birth.

>

[Guest guest]

My nada was the same. Usually after really bad rages there would be

days of the silent treatment, then for no apparent reason, she'd

start talking to us again. My sister and I considered looking into

foster care during one long silent treatment. Same as you, she'd

never talk about the rages, apologize for anything. One time, I was

so shocked by what she was saying, I hyperventilated. She did help

me and got me a paper bag to breath into. Once I was okay, she said,

we won't mention this to anyone. screwed up stuff.

>

> As I said in a nother topic, I just joined and am currently working

> through the swoe workbook, going through the book has been stirring

> up so many childhood memories and painful feelings. The ones im

> reliving right now are the memories of the horrible blow ups my

nada

> would have, and the strange, unapologetic calm which would follow.

> Nada would scream awful things like she had never wanted me and

> having me ruined her life, that I was an awful person and going to

> hell, she would slap and " spank " me, etc etc etc... then a short

time

> later, sometimes as short as an hour, sometimes the next morning,

all

> would be well again, she would hug me, fix me breakfast, give me a

> bit of extra money for lunch at school things like that. She would

> never apoligize or even reference the earlier fit, ignoring any

> physical marks such as a swollen or cut lip or toilet paper in my

> nose to keep it from bleeding, and being so sweet and loving that I

> felt like I was the crazy one. I didnt understand how if she hated

me

> so much like she had said before, she could now be so sweet and

kind.

> I didnt understand how she could just stop being so angry with me

and

> start being so nice. I am beginning to realize how going through

this

> from birth through my teen years has deeply affected how I percieve

> many situations. On the one hand it almost is good because I almost

> never hold a grudge against what people say to me in anger, being

> able to forgive and forget quite easily, but it also allows me to

let

> others treat me very badly and forgive them when I shouldnt, whic

has

> affeted me badly also. I lack any perspective on what is healthy

> forgiveness of a loved ones mistake and what is unhealthy and

> allowing others to continue to treat me badly. I hope that with

> therapy and work I will be able to gain this but I dont know if you

> can overcome something thats been trained in you since birth.

>

[Guest guest]

My nada did the same thing. She would rage, cursing, yelling,

crying, in a long monologue which sometimes lasted all night, about

how horrible her life was, how she should have never married my

father, how she hated all of us and wished she'd never had us, on and

on and on (once at least she threatened to kill us all), then the

next day she'd be all sweetness and nice. She was either in " a good

mood " or " a bad mood " and her " mood " dictated the household. We were

to fall in line either way. I responded by being the mascot,

especially when younger, trying to make her laugh, and then later, as

a pre-teen on, by confronting her, taking up for us while my sis and

dad cowered and tried to hush me. Then I fled at 18 and went LC.

Joanna

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Jenn Scharstein "

wrote:

>

> As I said in a nother topic, I just joined and am currently working

> through the swoe workbook, going through the book has been stirring

> up so many childhood memories and painful feelings. The ones im

> reliving right now are the memories of the horrible blow ups my

nada

> would have, and the strange, unapologetic calm which would follow.

> Nada would scream awful things like she had never wanted me and

> having me ruined her life, that I was an awful person and going to

> hell, she would slap and " spank " me, etc etc etc... then a short

time

> later, sometimes as short as an hour, sometimes the next morning,

all

> would be well again, she would hug me, fix me breakfast, give me a

> bit of extra money for lunch at school things like that. She would

> never apoligize or even reference the earlier fit, ignoring any

> physical marks such as a swollen or cut lip or toilet paper in my

> nose to keep it from bleeding, and being so sweet and loving that I

> felt like I was the crazy one. I didnt understand how if she hated

me

> so much like she had said before, she could now be so sweet and

kind.

> I didnt understand how she could just stop being so angry with me

and

> start being so nice. I am beginning to realize how going through

this

> from birth through my teen years has deeply affected how I percieve

> many situations. On the one hand it almost is good because I almost

> never hold a grudge against what people say to me in anger, being

> able to forgive and forget quite easily, but it also allows me to

let

> others treat me very badly and forgive them when I shouldnt, whic

has

> affeted me badly also. I lack any perspective on what is healthy

> forgiveness of a loved ones mistake and what is unhealthy and

> allowing others to continue to treat me badly. I hope that with

> therapy and work I will be able to gain this but I dont know if you

> can overcome something thats been trained in you since birth.

>

[Guest guest]

You said it sister:

" That's why I think that bpds should not be allowed to raise children,

they're too unstable. "

Only if they could be legally diagnosed, documented and have thier

parental rights stripped of them.

Unfortunately society fails to recognize this and will allways

allways let us down as teachers, ministers, policemen, therapists,

neighbors, god parents, relatives and yes even other family members

and who love to use the old cliche that just makes me want to vomit:

" Shes still your mother and she loves you "

M.

> >

> > As I said in a nother topic, I just joined and am currently

working

> > through the swoe workbook, going through the book has been

stirring

> > up so many childhood memories and painful feelings. The ones im

> > reliving right now are the memories of the horrible blow ups my

nada

> > would have, and the strange, unapologetic calm which would

follow.

> > Nada would scream awful things like she had never wanted me and

> > having me ruined her life, that I was an awful person and going

to

> > hell, she would slap and " spank " me, etc etc etc... then a short

time

> > later, sometimes as short as an hour, sometimes the next morning,

all

> > would be well again, she would hug me, fix me breakfast, give me

a

> > bit of extra money for lunch at school things like that. She

would

> > never apoligize or even reference the earlier fit, ignoring any

> > physical marks such as a swollen or cut lip or toilet paper in my

> > nose to keep it from bleeding, and being so sweet and loving that

I

> > felt like I was the crazy one. I didnt understand how if she

hated me

> > so much like she had said before, she could now be so sweet and

kind.

> > I didnt understand how she could just stop being so angry with me

and

> > start being so nice. I am beginning to realize how going through

this

> > from birth through my teen years has deeply affected how I

percieve

> > many situations. On the one hand it almost is good because I

almost

> > never hold a grudge against what people say to me in anger, being

> > able to forgive and forget quite easily, but it also allows me to

let

> > others treat me very badly and forgive them when I shouldnt, whic

has

> > affeted me badly also. I lack any perspective on what is healthy

> > forgiveness of a loved ones mistake and what is unhealthy and

> > allowing others to continue to treat me badly. I hope that with

> > therapy and work I will be able to gain this but I dont know if

you

> > can overcome something thats been trained in you since birth.

> >

>