Guest guest Posted January 22, 2009 Report Share Posted January 22, 2009 Hi, Thanks for this post. I am glad your adoptive daughter has you to lean on, with all that craziness going on. The part about low contact pissing them off more is something I need to think about. Right now, I am considering no contact or very low contact for my mother. I don't know what to do, and for now it's no contact. I also like how you said: >I learned early (around age 8) that any weakness or mistake revealed > to g-ma can and would be used against you later ad infinitum (I'd > seen her do it to my mom and an uncle), so I'd kept major mistakes > and problems to myself. I'd also learned that g-ma's and mom's > problems were so much greater than everybody else's and so I needed > to keep my problems to myself or risk sending one or both of them > over the brink (sound familiar?) " Yup, this sounds so familiar. Most of my childhood was spent tiptoeing around my mother's problems. When she did go over the edge, my father did blame us. I know now that my part in that was insignificant, but I have felt so guilty. Good luck! > > I've been here for about two months. I haven't told my story yet, so > I tell part of it below. Knowledge about BPD plus UBM, SWOE, and > this board have been a revelation and sources of healing. This is an > incredibly long post (8 pages in Word), but I offer it in the hopes > that others may see some of their own truth reflected back, as I have > from reading other's posts. > > Before I get into the story, the challenge I'm having right now is > that I vacillate back and forth between wanting to cut off all > contact with suspected-BPD grandma and thinking that maybe I can > manage LC. On one hand, I think that when I was younger, I was able > handle her wacky behavior and spouting off and not take it > personally, and maybe I can get back to that place with a bit more > time and work. On the other hand, I think that the insults, subtle > digs, constant negative talk about the extended family (she loves to > turn other family member's problems into her own personal drama), and > constant state of waiting for bs to erupt did impact me in > significant, if subconscious, ways that harmed my ability to have > healthy relationships, and left me with a raft of fleas that I've > been working on since my late 20s and am still working on several > years later. Before recognizing the possibility of BPD, I'd > attributed these issues to other occurrences – I was violently > sexually assaulted by bio-dad at age 3 or 4, mom had problems with > depression, self-medicating, and really crummy relationships, and mom > moved us around so much I never got rooted and feared getting > attached to anybody. Now I recognize that the unpredictability, lack > of emotional safety, and lack of honest acceptance I experienced > during my many extended stays with g-ma were other significant pieces > of the puzzle. > > I worry about the stuff she could start spouting off at any time in > front of my adoptive daughter if the mood takes her over again (see > below), so I felt fine about saying I don't feel comfortable about > visiting with g-ma again until she and I have had at least three > months or so of a nice, calm relationship. Around Thanksgiving, I'd > arranged for a cousin who was staying over at g-ma's house to come up > for a day visit [i hadn't seen him in 14 years]. g-ma got wind of > it, then called and left a teary voicemail asking if she could come > up to visit too so she could see DD [no mention of missing me, of > course] because she hadn't seen her in three or four months. When I > called back several hours later, she was all chipper and asked, " So, > can we come up to visit with [cousin]? " I named the condition, and > she immediately shifted to a pissed off, " Fine. Whatever. I can't > control whatever you're going to decide or do with [DD]. " [inside, I > said to myself, " Amen! Glad you finally get it! Can I get that in > writing?!? " ] When I calmly reminded her that there were reasons why > she hadn't seen DD for three months, and that a lot had happened in > those three months (again, see below), I got more pissed off " Fine. > Whatever. " responses. > > But I also know that if g-ma doesn't completely get what she wants, > she'll keep pushing and pushing for it, and she'll always want more > and more. She'll push for contact with DD's bio-grandma, who likely > also has BPD and who I cannot stand being around (see below for > that). She'll more likely than not flare up and strike out at me in > amazing, colorful ways again. There will be another series of smear > campaigns to deal with. LC simply will not be good enough for her, > and there will be a lot more angst. She will play psychological > games with DD to " get me, " with no compunction or concern for how it > impacts DD. I know this in my bones. > > Funny how just in the process of writing about something, the answer > comes to you. I now realize that I don't really have any reasonable > choice with her but NC. With NC, her flare ups and smear campaigns > will likely remain more contained. She may get pissed off about the > NC now and then, but she'll probably just bitch about it to the > extended family for a few weeks and then move on to some other > drama. LC will probably just egg her on to bigger and better things > and give her more occasions to get pissed off and riled up about how > unreasonable and evil I am. > > So here's a big chunk of my story, without going back to the > childhood stuff. > > I've been LC with my grandma for about a year. g-ma helped raise me > (she sometimes likes to claim that she raised me, but I suspect that > now that I'm split black, she's not bragging about that any more). > We had some conflicts before, but I was the all-good grandkid more > often than not. I always thought that she tended to stir up drama, > but didn't have the opportunity to fully appreciate the magnitude of > her illness and malignancy until the past year. > > Big problems started in December '07, when my cousin relinquished > parental rights to her then 4 year old, who I'd fostered for nine > months at that point and had agreed to adopt if reunification didn't > work out. g-ma had fostered DD for 11 months before I relocated to > their area and became the foster parent. I'd relocated to foster > through the attempt at reunification following cousin's release from > prison and in-patient treatment because I knew that g-ma's emotional > volatility would stack the deck against cousin's efforts to reunify > and would only add to the stress DD and cousin experienced through > the process. > > In December '07 and April '08 g-ma had cousin over or took DD to see > cousin (without consulting me), and these visits caused DD a lot of > emotional distress (there may have been more, but these were the > visits I knew of because DD spontaneously told me about them as soon > as she saw me afterward). I'd had both calm and emotional > discussions with g-ma about this in winter and spring, trying to > persuade her that there was good reason for waiting until DD seemed > emotionally ready for contact to be reestablished with her bio-mom. > After the first two times, g-ma promised it wouldn't happen again, > but in June, she had cousin over again. She claimed cousin's mom > sprung cousin on her in June, but my ability to trust her word had > been irretrievably broken by then, and her version of events was > undermined by her defensively saying, " Well, what's the problem with > her seeing [her bio-mom], anyway? " Um, maybe because it causes her > serious emotional distress she's not old enough or mature enough to > deal with, she gets violent with her preschool teachers for weeks > after, has nightmares, starts distancing herself from me, and has > mini-nervous breakdowns a week or so after each contact, as I'd > explained multiple times before?!? > > I'd had a lot of health issues in winter and spring, but various > doctors determined that there didn't seem to be organic causes for > the recurring chest pains and multiple symptoms associated with MS > (testing came back clear thankfully). I learned that these many > symptoms could also be caused by chronic stress and anxiety, > identified that ongoing conflict with my g-ma and anxiety about what > her choices were doing to DD were a major source of it, and decided > that it needed to be nipped in the bud so I could get better and stay > well enough to take care of DD and other responsibilities. I was in > the process of undergoing testing and evaluation before DD stayed > with g-ma for a few days in June while I went to a convention, and > had told g-ma about it in the hopes that she wouldn't do more to add > to my stress load. DD could only stay with licensed foster care > providers, and g-ma had kept a respite care license after DD came to > me, and at the time, staying with g-ma seemed a better option than > having her stay with a non-kin care provider. > > In July, a few days after my 35th birthday (which g-ma hadn't even > bothered to acknowledge with a card or phone call), my cardiologist > called g-ma for my phone number because his office had typoed my > number. G-ma emailed me all full of concern, saying " I didn't know > you'd been having health problems, and I certainly hope we didn't do > anything to contribute to your health problems, " (yeah, RIGHT) > volunteering that perhaps DD could come stay with her more often to > help reduce my stress, and saying that she hoped " that you don't > think I want [cousin] to have primary custody of [DD], because I > don't think she should be in her primary custody, at least not for a > long time. " She also said that my aunt (DD's g-ma, who I'm also 99% > certain has BPD) felt bad because she wasn't seeing DD very often and > couldn't have her over to visit. > > That was it. In the wake of the June incident, I'd read " Toxic > Parents, " " Emotional Blackmail, " and " Boundaries, " and decided I was > ready to explicitly set some boundaries now. I'd finally realized > that making decisions in DD's best interest was my responsibility, > and that although I wanted others to understand where I was coming > from, I didn't need to keep explaining or justifying my decisions to > g-ma or anybody else. > > I responded to g-ma's email, reminded her that cousin had legally > relinquished her parental rights, had failed to take advantage of > multiple second chances to comply with the Department's and court's > requirements so she could get her daughter back, I was adopting DD, > that is a lifetime commitment, that after the neglect, trauma and > disruption DD experienced in the previous 3 years – the last several > months that she was with bio-mom while cousin slipped back into meth > addiction and then got into manufacture in their home, and after > being removed from the home – DD really needed a lifetime commitment > from a stable and consistent primary caretaker, and the only way DD > would live with cousin again was if she decided as an adult that she > wanted to. > > I let her know that I had tried many times to explain to g-ma why > it's not in DD's best interest to see cousin until she's ready for > it, that I would try to explain just one more time, but that the > topic would not be open for discussion again, because it was my > responsibility to make decisions, including some really tough ones, > in DD's best interest, and I was done debating, discussing, and > persuading. I also let her know that DD's relationship with the g- > parents is important and I'd like the two of us to come over to visit > more often than we'd been able to recently, but DD wouldn't be able > to come over to visit without me any more because it was clear that g- > ma disagreed with me about what was in DD's best interest and g-ma > would keep on doing what she thought best, regardless of any > apologies she makes or promises to the contrary. > > I also encouraged g-ma to read " Boundaries " (I'm not a Christian, but > as much as she claims her religion is important to her, I thought a > book written by born-again Christian psychologists that cites > scriptural support for the notion of setting appropriate boundaries > might actually resonate with her). I was very empathetic about how g- > ma's difficulty in establishing reasonable boundaries seemed to be > causing her a lot of anxiety and emotional distress, and that she > needed to take better care of herself and not take her kids' and > grandkids' bad choices and the repercussions that flow from those > choices so personally. > > I also told her that I wasn't terribly sympathetic to aunt's sadness > about the lack of visits, since I'd been responsive on the few > occasions when she called up and asked if she could stop by in an > hour. She wouldn't call for weeks or months, and then would start > carrying on to everybody else about how she was being deprived of the > company of her grandchild. Then there was the rest of the story … > aunt knew dang well that the reason DD couldn't go visit at her house > was because a red flag popped up in her husband's background during > their foster licensing process. Rather than having him submit to a > sexual deviancy evaluation as their state's Department (we live in > border communities) had requested and paying the $800 to 1200 for it, > they pulled their application. She came up with a bs reason why they > might require a deviancy eval ( " because he's not a blood relative " – > uh, neither are the vast majority of foster parents). So our state's > Department had decreed that DD could not be left at her house. I had > to push her to even talk to her husband to find out what the red flag > may have been – during that discussion she said, " maybe it's because > his kids have cut off contact with him " (uh, perhaps they had a > reason to?!?) I'd offered her an innocuous possibility for a red > flag – maybe he made a clumsy but unwanted pass at someone, which > would technically be Sexual Assault 3rd degree in their state, but > the charges were later dropped. She later claimed that was what had > happened, that " it was an adult situation, a misunderstanding, when > he was single years ago, but no charges were ever filed. " But if > that had been the case, it probably wouldn't have come up during the > Department's background check. She said that if I wanted more info I > could talk with him about it directly – I took a pass on that. > > I couldn't trust aunt to put protecting kids first given her track > record: telling her adolescent/teen girls they had it coming when her > then-husband brutally beat them, telling one daughter she brought on > herself childhood molestation and two rapes when she was a young teen > and that she needed to " turn the other cheek and get over it " … which > she reiterated again in the summer of '07 when that severely bipolar > (possibly BPD) daughter asked her to go to therapy with her … > emotionally abandoning that daughter in the wake of a rape because > she couldn't dealing with her " moping around, " kicking her 12 yo (bio- > mom to DD) out of her house because g-ma had smuggled her over to > Thanksgiving dinner, a no-no because aunt is a Jehovah's Witness – > that cousin fell into meth addiction not long after, berating and > criticizing bipolar cousin for taking psych medication and doing > therapy as an adult because she should just get over things and turn > it over to Jehovah … just thinking about everything fills me with > rage. > > All heck broke loose. g-ma forwarded my email to aunt, who emailed > me and accused me of meaning to be rude and hurtful because I had to > know g-ma would show her the email (uh, no, no reasonable person > would have done so). She said that she'd made mistakes but had > reconciled with her kids, and claimed she didn't know her ex had > beaten up the kids and had gotten out of there as soon as she knew of > it (bs on all counts, as confirmed by her reliable and wholly > undramatic eldest daughter). I unleashed a torrent of anger on her > in writing. I told her I'd had it with her warped logic that > poisoned everybody around her, and with her inability to distinguish > between little mistakes, medium-sized ones, big ones, and true evil. > > At the time, I felt like I was dumping her stuff back on her on > behalf of my sexual assault survivor cousin, who was too dependent on > her nada to speak truth to her. But in retrospect, I realize that I > did so because I had a lot of anger and rage at my g-ma and my mom > (I'm not even going to get into that relationship – I can't figure > out if mom's a BPD waif/queen or just has a severe case of fleas), > but it wasn't safe to express those feelings to them, and I didn't > have a significant emotional connection to aunt, so she was a > convenient target. aunt responded about how I think I'm so perfect, > blah blah blah, then I replied with " I've said all I have to say, " > and haven't communicated with her since. > > And then there was g-ma. She pulled out all the stops, name-calling, > recriminations, accusations, guilt-tripping, claims that nobody ever > appreciates all of the sacrifices she's made ( " including you my dear > granddaughter, who I remember depositing money in your account on > several occasions and never getting so much as a thank you " – not > true, and the last time I'd asked her for money would have been at > least 6 years earlier), victimhood, claims that g-pa was upset > because of the way I was treating her, I was tearing the family > apart, keeping DD from the rest of the family, and was jealous of > DD's love for g-ma and others in the family (sound familiar, > anybody?) I'd mentioned that my job is stressful, and she one-upped > me by talking about how stressful it was for her to have to take care > of four little kids 50 years ago. But I remained firm yet > diplomatic, let her know that I didn't appreciate name calling or > insults directed at me or my mom, corrected some of her revisionist > history about my mom (my mom hadn't " dumped [me] off on [g-ma] so > many times to go off with some man " – she always found a man pretty > quickly no matter where she landed, but none of her moves during my > childhood were any particular dudes] and kept reiterating that I > wasn't trying to cut g-ma and g-pa out of our lives and that we could > come to visit together. > > She also said that although aunt " had made some mistakes, she is > doing the best she can, she's my daughter and I love her, and you > need to get off her back already. " Then she went off on another > tirade about how deficient my mother (also her daughter) was/is (I > know this sounds familiar to at least a few recent posters.) > > I learned early (around age 8) that any weakness or mistake revealed > to g-ma can and would be used against you later ad infinitum (I'd > seen her do it to my mom and an uncle), so I'd kept major mistakes > and problems to myself. I'd also learned that g-ma's and mom's > problems were so much greater than everybody else's and so I needed > to keep my problems to myself or risk sending one or both of them > over the brink (sound familiar?) Deprived of sufficient ammo for > full-blown raging at me, g-ma also insulted my mom (her daughter) and > went off on all the mistakes my mom had made during her life (like I > have any responsibility for any of that – of course, g-ma had always > given me the implicit message that I ruined my mom's life just by > being born. Ugh again). > > After a few weeks of emails back and forth, I finally said that I > wouldn't be responding to any more emails, and she could call me when > she'd had a chance to calm down and think things over a bit more. > > I'd anticipated the possibility of being smeared to the entire > family, which I think created some of the anxiety I had about finally > firmly laying down the law. I had to reach the point where I > recognized that my inaction was taking a huge toll on DD and on me, > so I no longer cared what the rest of the family might be told or > persuaded to believe. But I seriously didn't anticipate the other hi- > jinks she'd get up to. > > I heard nothing for three or four weeks. Then in August, she and g- > pa popped in at DD's preschool. A teacher called me about it, I > thought it was weird, but figured they'd just peacefully visit for a > few minutes and then go on their way, so told the teacher it wasn't a > problem. Little did I know … while we were on the phone or shortly > thereafter, g-ma went on a loud tirade for several minutes about how > I'm not DD's mother, I'll never be her mother, [my cousin] will > always be her mother, she's already talked to our social worker about > contesting the adoption and she's going to get DD back, I was keeping > DD from her cousins and the rest of the family, my mom has a gambling > problem and had a drinking and drug problem when I was a kid, > itemized every dollar she'd ever given me, the years she spent caring > for me when my mom dumped me off on her to go off with some man, and > I'm cold, unfeeling, controlling, and think I'm so much better than > everybody else, and much more. This was all in front of DD (barely 5 > yrs old) and the target was someone g-ma assumed was a teacher or > teacher's helper. She was actually DD's child therapist who worked > with her twice a week at school. Therapist kept redirecting DD to > show g-pa stuff elsewhere and hoped that if she just said, " uh huh, > uh huh " enough to g-ma, the storm would pass faster, but it went on > longer than she expected. > > Therapist called me at work right after, and I ended up taking a sick > day the rest of the day because I was so incredibly upset about all > of the nonsense she'd spewed in front of DD and was worried about how > DD would deal with hearing such things from someone she loves and > respects. After an hour or so of calming down and getting my > thoughts together, I went up to the g-parents' house to talk with > them about the situation, make sure she and g-pa knew what had > happened was completely unacceptable, and make sure that g-pa knew > that I hadn't said I wouldn't let them see DD ever again, I'd just > said that I'd need to come along. > > It was more of the same as far as g-ma went, plus the fun of being > screamed at for fifteen minutes at a stretch. I asked her what she > thought would happen to DD if she somehow managed to succeed in > stopping the adoption. She responded, " Well, she'd come back to live > with us. " I reminded her that the law dictates that DD is supposed > to have a permanent home, that given their advanced age and health > problems there was no way they could raise her to adulthood, and told > her that she'd probably have to be adopted by someone outside of the > family, in which case she certainly wouldn't see her again. G-ma > then accusingly said that she just knew that I was going to take DD > and move back to the city I'd relocated from and would never let them > see her again. Grandpa interposed that " The city just seems so > dangerous, " and I calmly responded, " Um, Grandpa, this [community] is > lousy with methamphetamine and alcoholism. It's everywhere here. > The city is a waaay better environment than here. " Then I explained > that I'd never promised anyone that I would stay in their community > forever, that it was possible we might move back there because I have > a lot of friends and professional contacts there and there are much > better employment opportunities for me and educational opportunities > for DD there, and of course we'd come back to visit, she told > me, " You're just selfish. I can't believe how selfish you are! " I > calmly responded that I'm sorry she feels that way, but making > decisions so that DD and I can have the best life possible isn't > selfish. That's what adults are supposed to do. [Not that I was the > picture of calm throughout the entire conversation. It's tough to > keep your cool when someone is screaming at you and hop-scotching > around to different topics and tactics in order to try to get your > goat.] > > She stormed off for half an hour, and g-pa and I had a very good, > calm discussion, he seemed to understand all too well where I was > coming from, but also was trying to play peacemaker, which is of > course impossible when a BPD is in full on victim rage mode. He > coaxed her back out so we could try to end things with a hug, but she > got to screaming at me again, and I honestly felt like if I tried to > hug her, she'd smack me across the face. I said, " Well, it doesn't > really look like g-ma wants a hug from me right now, and I'm not > about to force one on her, so I'd better go. " And she started > wailing, " Fine. Don't hug me! You don't want to give me a hug! You > don't care about me! Nobody cares about me! " Holy caaraaap. > > A few days later, she emailed and asked that I return some china and > silver she'd given me a few years earlier. I replied that she'd > given those things to me, so no, I wouldn't be returning them, and > reiterated that she could call me when she was ready to talk calmly > about things. In the weeks that came, g-ma talked to every social > worker she'd encountered who'd been involved in our case, trying to > persuade them that I had serious health issues and wouldn't be > capable of taking care of DD. g-ma is in her late 70s and she and g- > pa have their own health issues, so this was a weird approach to > take. She'd also had serious run-ins with the Department staff while > she was the foster parent because she was convinced they were out to > get her and were judging her a bad parent because they expected her > to comply with all of the requirements that every foster parent has > to comply with, and wrote a scathing letter to the editor, some of > which the Op-Ed editor informed her had to be edited out due to > concerns about libel or slander. [i'd had a lot of fun on several > occasions in 2006 – not – trying to persuade her over the phone that > they were merely doing what the law requires them to do – lots of > tears and screaming about how I was " taking their side!, " bossing > her, and telling her what to do. Ugh.] > > She kept on smearing me to the extended family, as expected, and kept > talking to aunt about how she was going to get me and tell my > boyfriend about how awful I am so he wouldn't want to have anything > to do with me (she did some of this in front of survivor cousin, who > gave me a few heads-ups). A week after I'd gone to talk to them, she > called my workplace while I was away at court (I'm an attorney) and > rambled at our intern for several minutes – he'd told me he wasn't > sure if she was trying to get me fired or was trying to hire the firm > I work for to represent her in contesting the adoption. She kept > trying to get into her story with my supervisor, claiming she merely > wanted advice about whether she should get an attorney to contest the > adoption; my supervisor kept shutting her down due to the conflict of > interest since I worked there. G-ma later claimed she didn't know I > worked there (complete baloney – she'd stopped by my office before). > The intern, who'd worked with a lot of mentally ill clients prior to > law school, was the first to suggest g-ma might be BPD – I looked at > the DSM-IV and thought, " Hmm, maybe, " but didn't think about it again > until my T suggested the same around November. > > My g-ma tried calling my boyfriend a few times; he refused to answer > her calls, and she didn't leave messages. In September, g-ma sent my > boyfriend a letter, informing him that I'd lived with at least two > other boyfriends previously " and she probably didn't tell you about > that, " (um, yeah, I had) and " they probably broke up with her because > she's so controlling and they saw how she was. " The thought never > entered her head that boyfriend is also in his mid-30s and has never > been married, either, so he might realize that sometimes couples just > aren't compatible, and that just because you haven't found a > relationship that could make the long haul, that doesn't mean you're > a bad or defective person. Yeesh. And she'd met him two, maybe > three times, so her efforts weren't due to any altruistic concern for > him – she just wanted to " get " me. > > I kept the Department apprised of what was going on with g-ma, and my > boyfriend and I decided that it would be better if we combined > households up in his community, a little over a half hour from g-ma > et al, so we needed to know what we needed to do as far as foster > licensing and modifying home studies and such. In October, our > social worker hooked me up with a counselor to deal with the stress > related to these extended family issues. When T told me that " I > can't diagnose her just based on your stories, but there is a strong > possibility that your g-ma has BPD or at least BPD traits, " I dove > into UBM, SWOE, this board, etc., and finally got some validation and > better insight. > > Then a cousin (BPD aunt's eldest, who's like a sister) called and > said g-ma had called and asked that cousin return an item with > sentimental value she'd given her in the summertime, then chewed her > out for something her 11 year old said while visiting a few months > earlier (something along the lines of " You know, g-ma, it's not > really your business, " in response to g-ma ranting about me and the > decisions I'm making for DD). G-ma also claimed that a new > grandparents' rights law was going into effect in January and when it > did, she'd pursue all her options and get DD back (classic > triangulation, no?) Just about three weeks later came g-ma's call > and the discussion just after Thanksgiving. Then no word again for > weeks. > > Then two weeks ago, g-ma calls me. I let it go to voicemail. She's > all calm and upbeat, mostly, as she tells me, " I just wanted to > apologize for everything that happened to us last year. " SWA? Like > some external force came out of the sky and visited all this crap > on " us " last year?!? " I'm sorry for the things I said. I hope you > can forgive me, because that's all we can do at this point in our > lives, is forgive and move on with our lives with no rebuts/rebuffs. " > (I'm not sure which word she used here, and this is where her voice > developed an edge to it.) " Blah blah blah. Of course, grandpa and I > aren't going to be around forever. Give me a call. " I haven't > returned that call. > > There's no recognition on her part that her behavior and actions were > completely over the line. No recognition that her behavior was > unacceptable and vindictive, no indication that she'll moderate it or > take steps to control herself in the future. And g-ma is definitely > big on claiming, " I can't help it! " " I'm just too old to change, " " I > have a right to say how I feel! " when she's in the midst of a > completely inappropriate rant, whether in front of little kids or > not. She gets that same creepy, evil smirk when she's just torn into > one of her kids, grandkids, or great-grandkids and she thinks she's > landed a blow. I don't want to be around that again. > > And now that I'm parenting, I find her poison coming up in me. I > find myself experiencing rage when DD does typical little kid stuff > to test boundaries and establish independence, like arguing or > showing attitude, or even just dawdling when I'm trying to get ready > to go in the morning. When DD said one afternoon, " I want to go live > with somebody else, " I found myself stifling my g-ma's automatic > response of " Fine. I don't want you here anyway. Let me pack your bag > and we'll go drop you off somewhere else. " [g-ma had actually > bragged that she'd told DD that when she was around 3 or 4, then > started packing her stuff for her, like rejecting a child who'd > already experienced a raft of disruption was some masterstroke of > parenting skill.] Instead, I responded, " Gosh, that's a really > hurtful thing to say. That hurt my feelings. I love you very much. > You're my special little person and I would be very sad if you didn't > live with me. " But I was appalled that g-ma's insane reaction came > to me first and I had to catch myself from letting it fly out of my > mouth. My response was still more guilt-inducing than I would like – > I need to figure out something better to say next time DD says > something along those lines. > > I don't like that I find myself experiencing g-ma's emotional, self- > centered over-reactions as a parenting adult, which is a large part > of what's motivated me to work on my fleas and spend the time and > energy processing the childhood experiences and how they shaped me. > I occasionally hit walls where I just don't want to think about this > stuff anymore, but wanting to do better by DD than what I experienced > and what she's experienced previously keep me on track. It also > gives me the strength to stick to the decision to be at least LC, if > not NC. I'm NC for now, at least. > > Thanks for " listening, " and thanks for being here! I'll appreciate > any insights or words of encouragement anyone feels moved to > provide. =) > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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