Re: Shameful confession

[Guest guest]

D,

I'm so sorry to hear about the awful things your mother has said to

you, her neglect of your basic needs, and everything else. Hugs.

- gethappy73

>

> I dealt with that same guilt for years and years. My nada became

more and more abusive with my marriage and with each child. She is

so jealous of anything or anyone that takes me away from her. She

doesn't share and she doesn't play well with others. I kept her in

my life out of obligation. I kept her in my life because " she was my

mother " and " the only mother I'll ever have " . It did wear on me and

I became more and more depressed. I finally realized that her

toxicity was contaminating my entire life. When a good friend of

mine was diagnosed with a rare and deadly form of cancer, at 37, it

made me think. Life is SO short. When will my nada get better?

Will she ever seek therapy? Will she ever get better? Or will she

abuse me and mine till the day she dies? I had spent so many

hundreds of hours of my life crying and hurting because of her. She

says unthinkable things. The things she says are so inhumane. Ya

know, like an adult beating up their kid, or kicking a dog, things

that no human being should be capable of. That's my mother. She has

left me hungry, without heat, with no sympathy or assistance of any

kind, she would tell me " you brought this all on yourself! you made

this bed; now lie in it! " She thrives on seeing me suffer but then

kisses me goodbye when we parted. She is so messed up. I started

making a list of all of the things that my nada had done and said to

me, for 36 years. I also made a list of her qualities. She is

smart. She is artistic. She is creative. That was that list; three

things. Notice, none of her qualities include humanity. She isn't

kind, or generous, or considerate, or unselfish, or forgiving, or

tolerant. My other list was several pages long. From the abuse, her

refusing to work while I nearly starved to death at the age of 7, her

constant cruel criticism, ( " you are such an idiot! " " If you had never

been born... " " if it wasn't for you, your father would have never

left " " you'll never amount to anything " " you're such a pain in my

ass " ), her angry tyrades, her threats ( " maybe I'll just kill myself

then; isn't that what you want? " " I'll be dead by 38 and then I won't

be anyone's problem anymore " " if you do....I'll.... " " don't even

think about moving out because I will hunt you down " " maybe I'll just

kill the X!*X!* (referring to my dad, before he left), her abusive,

disrespectful behavior towards my husband of 17 years " he's such an

idiot " " he never respects me, and that's why I hate him " " yeah right,

he's working late, he's probably out screwing around on you! " " he's

pathetic " " your relationship is not healthy; nobody needs to be that

codependant. I could live without your dad. He's a worthless

bastard anyhow. " ) I realized that she is corrupt and evil. I had

wasted enough time. She had ruined every birthday, every holiday,

and so many days in between. What if I get cancer? What if I never

get to live, without her abuse? I deserved better and my husband and

kids deserved better. Yes, I felt guilty and yes, she made plenty of

threats, " you keep those kids away from me and I'll just take

them " " if you leave me, I'll kill myself " " you are all I have! " I

feared for a long time that she really would commit suicide and it

would be my fault. It took me a year to get up the courage, but then

I cut off all contact and it was the best decision that I have ever

made. It has been painful and I did and still do grieve. Every once

in a while, a little voice tells me " but sometimes she was so

sweet " " she always kissed me goodbye, she must have loved me " . But

the big voice in the deepest part of my core told me that she isn't

capable of love and she isn't capable of changing. This was an

abusive relationship and I did the right thing by ending it. If she

kills herself, it's her fault. She could've reached out for help.

Her entire family tried for nearly 30 years, to get her to seek

help. Eventually she has driven everyone away. I was the last one

with contact. Now she really does have nothing. But, I am free. I

can breathe. I am discovering things about myself that I never

knew. I am stronger than I thought I was. I enjoy my family more, I

enjoy life more. It's like I was born again and my life just started

at 38.

> D

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