Re: Shameful confession

[Guest guest]

Well, I think it's healthy that you can be open about how you feel.

I'm sure there are many who have or do carry similar feeling for

their nada. I know that I have some feelings about my nada that would

be otherwise onhealthy but I'd love to just shake her real good. Then

I remember you can only fix a remote with a low battery by shaking

sometimes. It would take energy I don't want to waste on her.

Living with my nada made me depressed as a teenager and she would

tell people I was suicidal. I told her never in my life would I give

her the satisfaction of killing myself just so she could get the

attention.

What are you going to do about how you feel? Seriously. Are you going

to confront her? Are you going to just let her go? Are you going to

let her continue what she does and work on you and being the best you

can be? (I think you will. You can.)

Annie H.

>

> I'm ashamed to confess something to you all. But I think that this

is

> the place that I can finally get it off my chest.

>

> I hate my NADA. Everything about her infuriates me. She's an

> embarrassing pain in the butt. I'm full of rage and think that I

would

> rather be motherless than to have a mother with BPD.

>

> I don't trust women. Every woman I meet and hit it off with turns

out

> to have BPD. I hate myself for attracting them. I hate myself for

> showing my fangs when they act out. I hate myself for not sticking

up

> for myself when they act out.

>

> I hate the way everyone in the family kisses their butts when they

act

> like spoiled five year olds. I resent that she tells me how loved I

> was as a child when I can cover the walls with accounts of abuse.

When

> she denies her verbal abuse in the past, I feel like I'm nuts. I

KNOW

> it happened, but she looks at me like I'm the one who's nuts. I

never

> have and never would and DO NOT ADVOCATE THIS, but has anyone else

> ever wanted to just punch their NADA in the face when they pull this

> crap. I REPEAT that it's NEVER okay to resort to physical abuse in

any

> way, but I have a rage inside that tells me that if she were some

man

> that I met on the street and I saw him abuse a little kid like she

did

> to me, I'd kick him in the pants but good.

>

> Does anyone else share this anger, frustration and utter sense of

> defeat with the BPD in their life? Or am I truly alone?

>

> I'm ashamed that this has gotten to me. I never asked for a BPD and

> don't think that I deserve one. Nobody deserves this hell.

>

> There. I've said it.

>

> Scooter

>

[Guest guest]

>

> I'm ashamed to confess something to you all. But I think that this

is

> the place that I can finally get it off my chest.

>

> I hate my NADA. Everything about her infuriates me. She's an

> embarrassing pain in the butt. I'm full of rage and think that I

would

> rather be motherless than to have a mother with BPD.

>

> I don't trust women. Every woman I meet and hit it off with turns

out

> to have BPD. I hate myself for attracting them. I hate myself for

> showing my fangs when they act out. I hate myself for not sticking

up

> for myself when they act out.

>

> I hate the way everyone in the family kisses their butts when they

act

> like spoiled five year olds. I resent that she tells me how loved I

> was as a child when I can cover the walls with accounts of abuse.

When

> she denies her verbal abuse in the past, I feel like I'm nuts. I

KNOW

> it happened, but she looks at me like I'm the one who's nuts. I

never

> have and never would and DO NOT ADVOCATE THIS, but has anyone else

> ever wanted to just punch their NADA in the face when they pull

this

> crap. I REPEAT that it's NEVER okay to resort to physical abuse in

any

> way, but I have a rage inside that tells me that if she were some

man

> that I met on the street and I saw him abuse a little kid like she

did

> to me, I'd kick him in the pants but good.

>

> Does anyone else share this anger, frustration and utter sense of

> defeat with the BPD in their life? Or am I truly alone?

>

> I'm ashamed that this has gotten to me. I never asked for a BPD and

> don't think that I deserve one. Nobody deserves this hell.

>

> There. I've said it.

>

> Scooter

>

[Guest guest]

scooter you are not alone

here is my confession:

there have been times when i have wished my nada dead

when i've wished she was not my mother

when the thought that i physically came from her disgusted me

when i wished i had never been born

i was clinically depressed from about the age of 15 and had no idea

why - now i can how see the enmeshment, the abuse, the lies and

manipulation, the rages and dramas that she thrived on all

contributed, no, were all the CAUSE of my depression

the resentment i have toward her for all of my wasted years still

tears me up at times

like i said you are not alone

cheers

b

>

> I'm ashamed to confess something to you all. But I think that this

is

> the place that I can finally get it off my chest.

>

> I hate my NADA. Everything about her infuriates me. She's an

> embarrassing pain in the butt. I'm full of rage and think that I

would

> rather be motherless than to have a mother with BPD.

>

> I don't trust women. Every woman I meet and hit it off with turns

out

> to have BPD. I hate myself for attracting them. I hate myself for

> showing my fangs when they act out. I hate myself for not sticking

up

> for myself when they act out.

>

> I hate the way everyone in the family kisses their butts when they

act

> like spoiled five year olds. I resent that she tells me how loved I

> was as a child when I can cover the walls with accounts of abuse.

When

> she denies her verbal abuse in the past, I feel like I'm nuts. I

KNOW

> it happened, but she looks at me like I'm the one who's nuts. I

never

> have and never would and DO NOT ADVOCATE THIS, but has anyone else

> ever wanted to just punch their NADA in the face when they pull this

> crap. I REPEAT that it's NEVER okay to resort to physical abuse in

any

> way, but I have a rage inside that tells me that if she were some

man

> that I met on the street and I saw him abuse a little kid like she

did

> to me, I'd kick him in the pants but good.

>

> Does anyone else share this anger, frustration and utter sense of

> defeat with the BPD in their life? Or am I truly alone?

>

> I'm ashamed that this has gotten to me. I never asked for a BPD and

> don't think that I deserve one. Nobody deserves this hell.

>

> There. I've said it.

>

> Scooter

>

[Guest guest]

Scooter, I have been in the same boat, and your expressed thoughts are

EXACTLY what I think/thought about my nada. You are not alone. May I

extend a few things to think about though:

1. There is NO SHAME in sharing on this board. We are a " family " here

for you unconditionally (hoping that I can speak for the others too

here? :-))

2. TRUST has to be earned. First if you believe you are attracting

women with BPD traits it could be (and I'm no expert) that you don't

trust yourself just yet? Try firstly by building boundaries with these

" toxic " people and love yourself a little more each passing moment. Do

you have a therapist? I strongly advocate someone along the lines of

CBT speciality (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), or simply a good book

directed upon this approach.

3.DENIAL is something people around those with BPD often utilise so as

to 'difuse' any more drama. It is THEIR responsiblity NOT YOUR

responsiblity if they choose to deny her behaviour and thus in

ent-effect encourage it. Take a step back when this happens and look

at the situation as an outsider, or just leave when it happens. I've

found trying to justify things the worst. I justify and it hurts me

more. It is what it is. Unfortunate, sad and FRUSTRATING.

4.ANGER I believe is totally normal, however HEALTHY ANGER (whatever

that is?) is transformable for a KO. Ok, let me try and explain this.

What I try to do (and I emphasise 'try' because its always a process

from one moment to the next) is:

a.This is a difficult if not horrible situation

b.People react this way because they choose to

I will react to this situation in a healthy way to PROTECT MYSELF

(whatever that may be)and

c. I'm allowed to feel angry about this situation, it is unfair and

horrible, however I cannot change it, only the way I see the situation.

Finally, look I know this is a HUGE amount of info and simply put its

just my opinion. Try if you can to just 'detach' yourself from the

situation a bit, and look after yourself first, you are most

important. Forget the nada, fada, family FOG influence, women for now

and focus on you healing your wounds.

.....and keep posting WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!!

x x

Ange

> >

> > I'm ashamed to confess something to you all. But I think that this

> is

> > the place that I can finally get it off my chest.

> >

> > I hate my NADA. Everything about her infuriates me. She's an

> > embarrassing pain in the butt. I'm full of rage and think that I

> would

> > rather be motherless than to have a mother with BPD.

> >

> > I don't trust women. Every woman I meet and hit it off with turns

> out

> > to have BPD. I hate myself for attracting them. I hate myself for

> > showing my fangs when they act out. I hate myself for not sticking

> up

> > for myself when they act out.

> >

> > I hate the way everyone in the family kisses their butts when they

> act

> > like spoiled five year olds. I resent that she tells me how loved I

> > was as a child when I can cover the walls with accounts of abuse.

> When

> > she denies her verbal abuse in the past, I feel like I'm nuts. I

> KNOW

> > it happened, but she looks at me like I'm the one who's nuts. I

> never

> > have and never would and DO NOT ADVOCATE THIS, but has anyone else

> > ever wanted to just punch their NADA in the face when they pull this

> > crap. I REPEAT that it's NEVER okay to resort to physical abuse in

> any

> > way, but I have a rage inside that tells me that if she were some

> man

> > that I met on the street and I saw him abuse a little kid like she

> did

> > to me, I'd kick him in the pants but good.

> >

> > Does anyone else share this anger, frustration and utter sense of

> > defeat with the BPD in their life? Or am I truly alone?

> >

> > I'm ashamed that this has gotten to me. I never asked for a BPD and

> > don't think that I deserve one. Nobody deserves this hell.

> >

> > There. I've said it.

> >

> > Scooter

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I understand those feelings, and in a way, we ARE motherless, or

maybe worse than: mine is my biological mother (which grosses me

out, quite frankly, since I don't even like to touch her), but I

missed out on most things having a mother means: unconditional love,

voice, security, clean clothing etc, and gave her a shoulder to cry

on and a sounding board before I even knew how to talk.

Partly my rage is at the unfairness of the situation... we didn't

and don't deserve this. I'm very angry too, and in the process of

trying to figure out how the heck to let that go, for myself.

Anyone who knows what it's like for you could never, ever blame you

for feeling how you feel.

>

> I'm ashamed to confess something to you all. But I think that this

is

> the place that I can finally get it off my chest.

>

> I hate my NADA. Everything about her infuriates me. She's an

> embarrassing pain in the butt. I'm full of rage and think that I

would

> rather be motherless than to have a mother with BPD.

>

> I don't trust women. Every woman I meet and hit it off with turns

out

> to have BPD. I hate myself for attracting them. I hate myself for

> showing my fangs when they act out. I hate myself for not sticking

up

> for myself when they act out.

>

> I hate the way everyone in the family kisses their butts when they

act

> like spoiled five year olds. I resent that she tells me how loved I

> was as a child when I can cover the walls with accounts of abuse.

When

> she denies her verbal abuse in the past, I feel like I'm nuts. I

KNOW

> it happened, but she looks at me like I'm the one who's nuts. I

never

> have and never would and DO NOT ADVOCATE THIS, but has anyone else

> ever wanted to just punch their NADA in the face when they pull

this

> crap. I REPEAT that it's NEVER okay to resort to physical abuse in

any

> way, but I have a rage inside that tells me that if she were some

man

> that I met on the street and I saw him abuse a little kid like she

did

> to me, I'd kick him in the pants but good.

>

> Does anyone else share this anger, frustration and utter sense of

> defeat with the BPD in their life? Or am I truly alone?

>

> I'm ashamed that this has gotten to me. I never asked for a BPD and

> don't think that I deserve one. Nobody deserves this hell.

>

> There. I've said it.

>

> Scooter

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, you're definitely not alone in detesting your mother.

I've made leaps and bounds both in owning and overcoming my anger to

move forward in the grief process...but even recently I realized it

is still there.

My mom had surgery last week to remove a small tumor. My dad left a

message that everything went well. Then the next day, there was no

school, I was completely irritable and starting to get snappy with my

kids, so I took everybody for a drive to get milkshakes...anyway, on

the way I'm asking myself where this irritability is coming from. It

had been a LONG time since I had felt like I could lose control of my

emotions. I asked what events have been going on that could have

triggered it. And I realized that I was disappointed that my mother

hadn't died on the table. Yikes, huh? Anyway, taking the time to

think about it and acknowledge it helped immensely, and by the next

day things were a-ok again. I just wanted to share so that you will

understand it is perfectly normal for people like us to have those

hateful feelings.

I hope you will begin to challenge the thoughts of hatred toward

yourself, though. If a friend came to you with the same thoughts and

frustration about his relationships, what would your advice to him

be? Would you tell him he should hate himself for always making bad

choices? Or would you tell him he's not a bad person and that he can

learn to make new choices? Be a friend to yourself, and cut yourself

a little slack. Nobody's perfect, and everybody makes mistakes.

>

> I'm ashamed to confess something to you all. But I think that this

is

> the place that I can finally get it off my chest.

>

> I hate my NADA. Everything about her infuriates me. She's an

> embarrassing pain in the butt. I'm full of rage and think that I

would

> rather be motherless than to have a mother with BPD.

>

> I don't trust women. Every woman I meet and hit it off with turns

out

> to have BPD. I hate myself for attracting them. I hate myself for

> showing my fangs when they act out. I hate myself for not sticking

up

> for myself when they act out.

>

> I hate the way everyone in the family kisses their butts when they

act

> like spoiled five year olds. I resent that she tells me how loved I

> was as a child when I can cover the walls with accounts of abuse.

When

> she denies her verbal abuse in the past, I feel like I'm nuts. I

KNOW

> it happened, but she looks at me like I'm the one who's nuts. I

never

> have and never would and DO NOT ADVOCATE THIS, but has anyone else

> ever wanted to just punch their NADA in the face when they pull this

> crap. I REPEAT that it's NEVER okay to resort to physical abuse in

any

> way, but I have a rage inside that tells me that if she were some

man

> that I met on the street and I saw him abuse a little kid like she

did

> to me, I'd kick him in the pants but good.

>

> Does anyone else share this anger, frustration and utter sense of

> defeat with the BPD in their life? Or am I truly alone?

>

> I'm ashamed that this has gotten to me. I never asked for a BPD and

> don't think that I deserve one. Nobody deserves this hell.

>

> There. I've said it.

>

> Scooter

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Scooter,

I can totally relate to you. One of my family friends passed away a couple

weeks ago. She was young, had 3 young kids, an awesome lady everyone absoltly

loved. When she passed away, I really felt like why did it have to happen to

her, why couldnt it have been my mom. I felt horrible for thinking these

thoughts, but it feels like it would be such a relief to know that all the guilt

and stress that she puts on me was gone. I would truely only then feel totally

safe and free. It is sad, but i think anyone in our shoes can all relate to it.

Hang in there man.

Tony

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, January 26, 2009 12:49:18 AM

Subject: Shameful confession

I'm ashamed to confess something to you all. But I think that this is

the place that I can finally get it off my chest.

I hate my NADA. Everything about her infuriates me. She's an

embarrassing pain in the butt. I'm full of rage and think that I would

rather be motherless than to have a mother with BPD.

I don't trust women. Every woman I meet and hit it off with turns out

to have BPD. I hate myself for attracting them. I hate myself for

showing my fangs when they act out. I hate myself for not sticking up

for myself when they act out.

I hate the way everyone in the family kisses their butts when they act

like spoiled five year olds. I resent that she tells me how loved I

was as a child when I can cover the walls with accounts of abuse. When

she denies her verbal abuse in the past, I feel like I'm nuts. I KNOW

it happened, but she looks at me like I'm the one who's nuts. I never

have and never would and DO NOT ADVOCATE THIS, but has anyone else

ever wanted to just punch their NADA in the face when they pull this

crap. I REPEAT that it's NEVER okay to resort to physical abuse in any

way, but I have a rage inside that tells me that if she were some man

that I met on the street and I saw him abuse a little kid like she did

to me, I'd kick him in the pants but good.

Does anyone else share this anger, frustration and utter sense of

defeat with the BPD in their life? Or am I truly alone?

I'm ashamed that this has gotten to me. I never asked for a BPD and

don't think that I deserve one. Nobody deserves this hell.

There. I've said it.

Scooter

[Guest guest]

Scooter and Tony,

I feel the same way. I was just wondering myself if I was crazy for wanting her

to *poof* disappear any way as long as she was gone. Just like you Scooter, the

way that they seem to recreate history to make them out to be the perfect Mom

and we are left standing with our mouths hung open and looking like an ass. They

are so very convincing.

She became obsessed with my daughter, for 16 years I have fought to keep her out

of her life, I let her stay with her father a year and a half ago, a thousand

miles away. She has now convinced the step mother of my daughter that she is

just being shut out from her granddaughters life, and has told incredible lies

about me and how horrible I am not only to step mom but to daughter, step mom

went behind my back and has been letting daughter talk to Nada! She has now

caused a rift in our relationship, the relationship between step-mom and father,

and now my daughter will not speak to me at all. So the way I comfort myself

sometimes is imagine she was gone!

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, January 26, 2009 12:29:35 PM

Subject: Re: Shameful confession

Hey Scooter,

I can totally relate to you.  One of my family friends passed away a couple

weeks ago.  She was young, had 3 young kids, an awesome lady everyone absoltly

loved.  When she passed away, I really felt like why did it have to happen to

her, why couldnt it have been my mom.  I felt horrible for thinking these

thoughts, but it feels like it would be such a relief to know that all the guilt

and stress that she puts on me was gone.  I would truely only then feel totally

safe and free.  It is sad, but i think anyone in our shoes can all relate to

it.  Hang in there man.

Tony

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, January 26, 2009 12:49:18 AM

Subject: Shameful confession

I'm ashamed to confess something to you all. But I think that this is

the place that I can finally get it off my chest..

I hate my NADA. Everything about her infuriates me. She's an

embarrassing pain in the butt. I'm full of rage and think that I would

rather be motherless than to have a mother with BPD.

I don't trust women. Every woman I meet and hit it off with turns out

to have BPD. I hate myself for attracting them. I hate myself for

showing my fangs when they act out.. I hate myself for not sticking up

for myself when they act out.

I hate the way everyone in the family kisses their butts when they act

like spoiled five year olds. I resent that she tells me how loved I

was as a child when I can cover the walls with accounts of abuse. When

she denies her verbal abuse in the past, I feel like I'm nuts. I KNOW

it happened, but she looks at me like I'm the one who's nuts. I never

have and never would and DO NOT ADVOCATE THIS, but has anyone else

ever wanted to just punch their NADA in the face when they pull this

crap. I REPEAT that it's NEVER okay to resort to physical abuse in any

way, but I have a rage inside that tells me that if she were some man

that I met on the street and I saw him abuse a little kid like she did

to me, I'd kick him in the pants but good.

Does anyone else share this anger, frustration and utter sense of

defeat with the BPD in their life? Or am I truly alone?

I'm ashamed that this has gotten to me. I never asked for a BPD and

don't think that I deserve one. Nobody deserves this hell.

There. I've said it.

Scooter

   

     

[Guest guest]

Oh hell yeah, I hate my nada! You can't say it to people with " normal "

mothers because they don't have a frame of reference and might be tempted to

judge. You can say it here, though.

I used to picture a tragic accident in which nada was the only person who

died. I felt like I would be relieved when she died. I also felt like

other people would be nice to me and finally understand my grief because I

was already mourning the loss of a mother, even though her body was still up

walking around causing trouble!

The hardest thing sometimes is to direct the anger and frustration where it

really goes...on nada and the situation rather than toward ourselves. Let's

try to be as nice to ourselves as we are toward everyone else.

K

On Mon, Jan 26, 2009 at 1:49 AM, hondadealerads wrote:

> I'm ashamed to confess something to you all. But I think that this is

> the place that I can finally get it off my chest.

>

> I hate my NADA. Everything about her infuriates me. She's an

> embarrassing pain in the butt. I'm full of rage and think that I would

> rather be motherless than to have a mother with BPD.

>

> I don't trust women. Every woman I meet and hit it off with turns out

> to have BPD. I hate myself for attracting them. I hate myself for

> showing my fangs when they act out. I hate myself for not sticking up

> for myself when they act out.

>

> I hate the way everyone in the family kisses their butts when they act

> like spoiled five year olds. I resent that she tells me how loved I

> was as a child when I can cover the walls with accounts of abuse. When

> she denies her verbal abuse in the past, I feel like I'm nuts. I KNOW

> it happened, but she looks at me like I'm the one who's nuts. I never

> have and never would and DO NOT ADVOCATE THIS, but has anyone else

> ever wanted to just punch their NADA in the face when they pull this

> crap. I REPEAT that it's NEVER okay to resort to physical abuse in any

> way, but I have a rage inside that tells me that if she were some man

> that I met on the street and I saw him abuse a little kid like she did

> to me, I'd kick him in the pants but good.

>

> Does anyone else share this anger, frustration and utter sense of

> defeat with the BPD in their life? Or am I truly alone?

>

> I'm ashamed that this has gotten to me. I never asked for a BPD and

> don't think that I deserve one. Nobody deserves this hell.

>

> There. I've said it.

>

> Scooter

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yeah, I'm there with you too!

Mercy

>

>

> Does anyone else share this anger, frustration and utter sense of

> defeat with the BPD in their life? Or am I truly alone?

>

> I'm ashamed that this has gotten to me. I never asked for a BPD and

> don't think that I deserve one. Nobody deserves this hell.

>

> There. I've said it.

>

> Scooter

>

[Guest guest]

My mother's touch has always made my skin crawl.

>

> I'm ashamed to confess something to you all. But I think that this is

> the place that I can finally get it off my chest.

>

> I hate my NADA. Everything about her infuriates me. She's an

> embarrassing pain in the butt. I'm full of rage and think that I would

> rather be motherless than to have a mother with BPD.

>

> I don't trust women. Every woman I meet and hit it off with turns out

> to have BPD. I hate myself for attracting them. I hate myself for

> showing my fangs when they act out. I hate myself for not sticking up

> for myself when they act out.

>

> I hate the way everyone in the family kisses their butts when they act

> like spoiled five year olds. I resent that she tells me how loved I

> was as a child when I can cover the walls with accounts of abuse. When

> she denies her verbal abuse in the past, I feel like I'm nuts. I KNOW

> it happened, but she looks at me like I'm the one who's nuts. I never

> have and never would and DO NOT ADVOCATE THIS, but has anyone else

> ever wanted to just punch their NADA in the face when they pull this

> crap. I REPEAT that it's NEVER okay to resort to physical abuse in any

> way, but I have a rage inside that tells me that if she were some man

> that I met on the street and I saw him abuse a little kid like she did

> to me, I'd kick him in the pants but good.

>

> Does anyone else share this anger, frustration and utter sense of

> defeat with the BPD in their life? Or am I truly alone?

>

> I'm ashamed that this has gotten to me. I never asked for a BPD and

> don't think that I deserve one. Nobody deserves this hell.

>

> There. I've said it.

>

> Scooter

>

[Guest guest]

I can so relate to your anger and utter frustration with your

mother. If I believed everything that she tells me now in reference

to my childhood, everything that I remember was a lie. She is getting

older and the lies are easily surfacing. She verbally abuses my

grandmother (her mother). Gram says that there is no win with her so

why fight it! I have been defending myself " against " her for a long

time. On christmas day 2008 there was such a scene at Gram's house

that I DID just want to slap her in the face. How she could

participate in tearing my daughter and I apart and then sit down to

dinner and carry on casual conversation makes me sick! I can not

blame mom totally for the relationship issues between my daughter and

I because I believe she is BPD as well. The 2 of them together is

awful! I have a 4 year old grandson in the middle of all this.

Do not feel badly for venting here....I believe that this is the

place that we can all do that and everyone understands.

Take Care

> >

> > I'm ashamed to confess something to you all. But I think that

this is

> > the place that I can finally get it off my chest.

> >

> > I hate my NADA. Everything about her infuriates me. She's an

> > embarrassing pain in the butt. I'm full of rage and think that I

would

> > rather be motherless than to have a mother with BPD.

> >

> > I don't trust women. Every woman I meet and hit it off with turns

out

> > to have BPD. I hate myself for attracting them. I hate myself for

> > showing my fangs when they act out. I hate myself for not

sticking up

> > for myself when they act out.

> >

> > I hate the way everyone in the family kisses their butts when

they act

> > like spoiled five year olds. I resent that she tells me how loved

I

> > was as a child when I can cover the walls with accounts of abuse.

When

> > she denies her verbal abuse in the past, I feel like I'm nuts. I

KNOW

> > it happened, but she looks at me like I'm the one who's nuts. I

never

> > have and never would and DO NOT ADVOCATE THIS, but has anyone else

> > ever wanted to just punch their NADA in the face when they pull

this

> > crap. I REPEAT that it's NEVER okay to resort to physical abuse

in any

> > way, but I have a rage inside that tells me that if she were some

man

> > that I met on the street and I saw him abuse a little kid like

she did

> > to me, I'd kick him in the pants but good.

> >

> > Does anyone else share this anger, frustration and utter sense of

> > defeat with the BPD in their life? Or am I truly alone?

> >

> > I'm ashamed that this has gotten to me. I never asked for a BPD

and

> > don't think that I deserve one. Nobody deserves this hell.

> >

> > There. I've said it.

> >

> > Scooter

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Scooter,

I totally hear what you are saying- at times I too hate my nada.

I so dislike feeling that way- but it is so hard at times not too.

The pain and hurt they cause.

I truly can say I dislikes when she hugs me and like will smother

me in kisses. My daughter dislikes it too.

Don't beat yourself up- feelings are not fatal- they help us get

out our pain and frustrations.

Take care of yourself,

Malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " hondadealerads "

wrote:

>

> I'm ashamed to confess something to you all. But I think that this

is

> the place that I can finally get it off my chest.

>

> I hate my NADA. Everything about her infuriates me. She's an

> embarrassing pain in the butt. I'm full of rage and think that I

would

> rather be motherless than to have a mother with BPD.

>

> I don't trust women. Every woman I meet and hit it off with turns

out

> to have BPD. I hate myself for attracting them. I hate myself for

> showing my fangs when they act out. I hate myself for not sticking

up

> for myself when they act out.

>

> I hate the way everyone in the family kisses their butts when they

act

> like spoiled five year olds. I resent that she tells me how loved I

> was as a child when I can cover the walls with accounts of abuse.

When

> she denies her verbal abuse in the past, I feel like I'm nuts. I

KNOW

> it happened, but she looks at me like I'm the one who's nuts. I

never

> have and never would and DO NOT ADVOCATE THIS, but has anyone else

> ever wanted to just punch their NADA in the face when they pull this

> crap. I REPEAT that it's NEVER okay to resort to physical abuse in

any

> way, but I have a rage inside that tells me that if she were some

man

> that I met on the street and I saw him abuse a little kid like she

did

> to me, I'd kick him in the pants but good.

>

> Does anyone else share this anger, frustration and utter sense of

> defeat with the BPD in their life? Or am I truly alone?

>

> I'm ashamed that this has gotten to me. I never asked for a BPD and

> don't think that I deserve one. Nobody deserves this hell.

>

> There. I've said it.

>

> Scooter

>

[Guest guest]

You are so not alone here at all. I have daydreams about how good it

would feel to just have an all out, rough and tumble fight with her. I

would never do it either but it would let up so much pent up

frustration. On that note, maybe I should get a punching bag.

Karin

[Guest guest]

I too feel the same way about my nada! I have alot of anger at her.

Growing up, I also wished she would die, many times. She is a hateful

vengeful manipulative fake human being who has beaten me down

emotionally so much I feel like my insides are just one huge massive

bruise. My therapist told me that I really need to get angry so I

think that you should explore what you are feeling. There is

definitely nothing to be ashamed of. Of course after reading all of

these posts you already know

>

> I'm ashamed to confess something to you all. But I think that this is

> the place that I can finally get it off my chest.

>

> I hate my NADA. Everything about her infuriates me. She's an

> embarrassing pain in the butt. I'm full of rage and think that I would

> rather be motherless than to have a mother with BPD.

>

> I don't trust women. Every woman I meet and hit it off with turns out

> to have BPD. I hate myself for attracting them. I hate myself for

> showing my fangs when they act out. I hate myself for not sticking up

> for myself when they act out.

>

> I hate the way everyone in the family kisses their butts when they act

> like spoiled five year olds. I resent that she tells me how loved I

> was as a child when I can cover the walls with accounts of abuse. When

> she denies her verbal abuse in the past, I feel like I'm nuts. I KNOW

> it happened, but she looks at me like I'm the one who's nuts. I never

> have and never would and DO NOT ADVOCATE THIS, but has anyone else

> ever wanted to just punch their NADA in the face when they pull this

> crap. I REPEAT that it's NEVER okay to resort to physical abuse in any

> way, but I have a rage inside that tells me that if she were some man

> that I met on the street and I saw him abuse a little kid like she did

> to me, I'd kick him in the pants but good.

>

> Does anyone else share this anger, frustration and utter sense of

> defeat with the BPD in their life? Or am I truly alone?

>

> I'm ashamed that this has gotten to me. I never asked for a BPD and

> don't think that I deserve one. Nobody deserves this hell.

>

> There. I've said it.

>

> Scooter

>

[Guest guest]

**************A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy

steps!

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cemailfooterNO62)

[Guest guest]

I don't really like hearing anyone say they hate their mother or father; but

I certainly understand it. I used to say it quite often. I now say " I love

her, but I don't like her " . I love her because she did give me life;

but, truely I don't like her.

I don't know anything about her childhood or upbringing, but I'd be willing

to bet it was disfunctional. She's probably been displaying the behavior

that she learned as a kid. The problem is at some point as an adult it should

have stopped. She's 88 yrs old now. Her behavior is as bad and inexcusable

as it's ever been. Fada has allowed it and/or ignored it for 62 years, and

now he's stuck with her and her venum. I, personally, have finally gotten to a

point where she can't hurt me anymore. Basically, I avoid her; It's very

healing just to stay away from her.

Laurie

**************A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy

steps!

(http://pr.atwola.com/promoclk/100000075x1215855013x1201028747/aol?redir=http://\

www.freecreditreport.com/pm/default.aspx?sc=668072%26hmpgID=62%26bcd=De

cemailfooterNO62)

[Guest guest]

I hate my MIL nada!

Yup!

It was hard to tell my husband that I had hate for her. OnceI GOT IT OUT & told

him, I felt so much better!!

 

Its ok to hate them!

They have done everything to deserve our hate & nothing to deserve love.

There is a reason they have a frea of abandonment, cause they push everyone

away, case they are nasty.

Nerak

Subject: Re: Shameful confession

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, January 26, 2009, 11:33 PM

Oh yeah, I'm there with you too!

Mercy

>

>

> Does anyone else share this anger, frustration and utter sense of

> defeat with the BPD in their life? Or am I truly alone?

>

> I'm ashamed that this has gotten to me. I never asked for a BPD and

> don't think that I deserve one. Nobody deserves this hell.

>

> There. I've said it.

>

> Scooter

>

[Guest guest]

I hate my MIL nada!

Yup!

It was hard to tell my husband that I had hate for her. OnceI GOT IT OUT & told

him, I felt so much better!!

 

Its ok to hate them!

They have done everything to deserve our hate & nothing to deserve love.

There is a reason they have a frea of abandonment, cause they push everyone

away, case they are nasty.

Nerak

Subject: Re: Shameful confession

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Monday, January 26, 2009, 11:33 PM

Oh yeah, I'm there with you too!

Mercy

>

>

> Does anyone else share this anger, frustration and utter sense of

> defeat with the BPD in their life? Or am I truly alone?

>

> I'm ashamed that this has gotten to me. I never asked for a BPD and

> don't think that I deserve one. Nobody deserves this hell.

>

> There. I've said it.

>

> Scooter

>

[Guest guest]

I too don't want to hate my nada, what I want is to feel

" compassionate detachment " , but I might only be able to feel that once

she passes away. Right now, I'm struggling to feel nothing at all, no

emotion at all, towards her.

RE my nada's upbringing: she raised Sister and I on stories of how

violent her father was and how he often beat her and her two sisters

with a razor strop (its like an extra-thick leather belt). My personal

experience with my grandpa was that he was sweet and kind. Lo and

behold, now, late in life, I'm learning from my two Aunties that their

father was not violent at all, and only walloped them *once* with the

razor strop while they were all three under the bed covers (and

protected) because they kept giggling and wouldn't be quiet and let

him sleep.

That's why, in my nada's case, I'm convinced that her bpd (and

possible narcissism) are purely an unlucky draw from the genetic gene

pool. My nada's brain was/is unable to process that the love and

attention she received from her parents, her husband, and her kids

was/is *never enough.* Nada perceives *normal* interactions with

other people as herself being ignored, dismissed, and disrespected.

I think bpd (in my nada's case, anyway) must be a specific type of

brain damage that she was born with, since her perceptions have

apparently been skewed since childhood.

-Annie

>

> I don't really like hearing anyone say they hate their mother or

father; but

> I certainly understand it. I used to say it quite often. I now

say " I love

> her, but I don't like her " . I love her because she did give me

life;

> but, truely I don't like her.

>

> I don't know anything about her childhood or upbringing, but I'd be

willing

> to bet it was disfunctional. She's probably been displaying the

behavior

> that she learned as a kid. The problem is at some point as an adult

it should

> have stopped. She's 88 yrs old now. Her behavior is as bad and

inexcusable

> as it's ever been. Fada has allowed it and/or ignored it for 62

years, and

> now he's stuck with her and her venum. I, personally, have finally

gotten to a

> point where she can't hurt me anymore. Basically, I avoid her;

It's very

> healing just to stay away from her.

>

> Laurie

> **************A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just

2 easy

> steps!

>

(http://pr.atwola.com/promoclk/100000075x1215855013x1201028747/aol?redir=http://\

www.freecreditreport.com/pm/default.aspx?sc=668072%26hmpgID=62%26bcd=De

> cemailfooterNO62)

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Nerak,

Nada-in-law =NIL

Kinda funny...nada and nil mean the same thing!

>

> I hate my MIL nada!

> Yup!

> It was hard to tell my husband that I had hate for her. OnceI GOT IT OUT &

> told him, I felt so much better!!

>

> Its ok to hate them!

> They have done everything to deserve our hate & nothing to deserve love.

> There is a reason they have a frea of abandonment, cause they push everyone

> away, case they are nasty.

> Nerak

>

>

>

> Subject: Re: Shameful confession

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Monday, January 26, 2009, 11:33 PM

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Oh yeah, I'm there with you too!

>

> Mercy

>

>

> >

> >

> > Does anyone else share this anger, frustration and utter sense of

> > defeat with the BPD in their life? Or am I truly alone?

> >

> > I'm ashamed that this has gotten to me. I never asked for a BPD and

> > don't think that I deserve one. Nobody deserves this hell.

> >

> > There. I've said it.

> >

> > Scooter

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, God, yes, I often have homicidal urges toward NADA. What makes me

feel especially guilty is when she switches to her good mood, and is

kind and affectionate. I almost wish she was consistently evil so

that i could hate her guilt-free.

Incidentally, something funny/ironic that i've noticed. My NADA also

had a very bad relationship with her NADA, who now lives in a

assisted living residence 3 miles away. She calls my NADA every day

with dozens of requests for food items (because going down to the

dining room for her free meals is too much of a hassle for her),

medicines and medical appointments (she's a hypochondriac), and gifts

for her direct care staff (which she uses to bribe them so that they

will give her more Ativan). My NADA gets enraged after these phone

calls, but instead of saying no and setting limits with grandma-nada,

she goes along with it, hangs up the phone and then takes out her

rage on me and the dogs. She frequently calls Grandma-NADA an evil

old bitch, and yells that she hopes that she falls down and has a

stroke, and then suffers for all eternity in hell. And SHE MEANS

IT!!! She also says that she wants Grandma-NADA to die in terror and

pain. Now to me, Grandma-NADA is just a pathetic, miserable, senile

hypochondriac-junkie, who is so ridiculous that I can't get mad at

her; she just can't be taken seriously. But when i listen to NADA

rage about her I get afraid. Is this a glimpse of the future, and how

I will be with NADA when she's old and disabled? One of the many

awful things about BPD is that it seems to get passed down from

mother to daughter. I am CONSTANTLY monitoring myself for signs of

BPD.

[Guest guest]

Just read angeandsimon's message with all the good advice, and i had to

respond. There's so many salient points in there, and i couldn't agree

more. Especially, I liked what she said about focussing on yourself. At

present due to a lot of financial and career misfortunes, I am living

with NADA. Some people would consider this an impossible situation, and

I admit that I would agree sometimes. So how do I survive? I have some

parts of my life that she just can't touch. When I go out on a job, I

won't go straight home afterwards. I will stop in a parking lot

somewhere and do some craft project in my car. I won't show it to NADA,

who would just disparage it and compare it unfavorably with her own

work. It's just for ME. I go to the library sometimes, go to the quiet

section, and read for an hour or two; she doesn't have to know that i

finished my last job early. If i was at home, i couldn't relax, she'd

be calling out to me every 5 minutes to do something for her. In

particular this message board is MINE, purely for me, and it SO helps

to vent and to read other posts and know I'm not alone.

So Scooter, make a plan to do things for yourself, and don't feel

guilty about it. If we treat ourselves well, we are less likely to

allow others to treat us badly.

[Guest guest]

Your first paragraph struck a chord with me; its something I've

thought of often, too. I've wished that my nada were worse, so that I

could just hate her guilt-free. Mine switches back and forth, like Dr

Jekyll and Mr Hyde. My nada is very good at presenting an appealing

and normal face to the public, and at being nice and kind to Sister

and me... but only for short periods of time. Its like waiting for

the volcano to erupt; you know its going to, and it eventually does.

The telling stroke is that nada can't keep friends for very long.

After a while, the " nice " wears off when her new friend lets nada

down, disappoints her in some way, doesn't express enough appreciation

for or admiration of nada, doesn't put nada first, etc., etc.

Nada actually drove one couple to move away from her; they were her

next-door neighbors and nada had become so dependent on and demanding

with her neighbor lady that they decided to move. The husband told me

this, in irritation, as he pointed out that her own daughters should

be seeing after their mother and doing all these things for her, not

him and his wife. (I'm glad for his sake and his wife's that they

moved away, frankly.)

After those neighbors moved away, Sister volunteered to look after our

nada in her free time, and did so for 10 years. It was so, so

draining on my Sister; I could see her slowly becoming more and more

depressed. So, in a way, when nada became even *more* demanding,

critical, impossible to please, and insulting...that was good because

it propelled Sister to give nada the ultimatum: get therapy or we go

permanent no contact.

Sister said its interesting to see how hard nada is trying to be good

now; it apparently terrified nada to be threatened with permanent no

contact. Nada is elderly, has a gradually worsening condition that

will kill her eventually, and so she is motivated to at least try to

be less toxic. But according to Sister the effort is almost comical.

I just feel tired of it all. I know that she's just putting on an

act: none of it is real at all. Even the written apology. Even the

staying in therapy. I know that " Mount Saint Nada " can't stay dormant

forever, and she will eventually erupt again. Her hot molten rage,

sense of entitlement, irritation, impatience, demand for being catered

to, etc., will come spewing out at us again. Its just a matter of time.

-Annie

>

> Oh, God, yes, I often have homicidal urges toward NADA. What makes me

> feel especially guilty is when she switches to her good mood, and is

> kind and affectionate. I almost wish she was consistently evil so

> that i could hate her guilt-free.

>

> Incidentally, something funny/ironic that i've noticed. My NADA also

> had a very bad relationship with her NADA, who now lives in a

> assisted living residence 3 miles away. She calls my NADA every day

> with dozens of requests for food items (because going down to the

> dining room for her free meals is too much of a hassle for her),

> medicines and medical appointments (she's a hypochondriac), and gifts

> for her direct care staff (which she uses to bribe them so that they

> will give her more Ativan). My NADA gets enraged after these phone

> calls, but instead of saying no and setting limits with grandma-nada,

> she goes along with it, hangs up the phone and then takes out her

> rage on me and the dogs. She frequently calls Grandma-NADA an evil

> old bitch, and yells that she hopes that she falls down and has a

> stroke, and then suffers for all eternity in hell. And SHE MEANS

> IT!!! She also says that she wants Grandma-NADA to die in terror and

> pain. Now to me, Grandma-NADA is just a pathetic, miserable, senile

> hypochondriac-junkie, who is so ridiculous that I can't get mad at

> her; she just can't be taken seriously. But when i listen to NADA

> rage about her I get afraid. Is this a glimpse of the future, and how

> I will be with NADA when she's old and disabled? One of the many

> awful things about BPD is that it seems to get passed down from

> mother to daughter. I am CONSTANTLY monitoring myself for signs of

> BPD.

>

[Guest guest]

I dealt with that same guilt for years and years. My nada became more and more

abusive with my marriage and with each child. She is so jealous of anything or

anyone that takes me away from her. She doesn't share and she doesn't play well

with others. I kept her in my life out of obligation. I kept her in my life

because " she was my mother " and " the only mother I'll ever have " . It did wear

on me and I became more and more depressed. I finally realized that her

toxicity was contaminating my entire life. When a good friend of mine was

diagnosed with a rare and deadly form of cancer, at 37, it made me think. Life

is SO short. When will my nada get better? Will she ever seek therapy? Will

she ever get better? Or will she abuse me and mine till the day she dies? I

had spent so many hundreds of hours of my life crying and hurting because of

her. She says unthinkable things. The things she says are so inhumane. Ya

know, like an adult beating up their kid, or kicking a dog, things that no human

being should be capable of. That's my mother. She has left me hungry, without

heat, with no sympathy or assistance of any kind, she would tell me " you brought

this all on yourself! you made this bed; now lie in it! " She thrives on seeing

me suffer but then kisses me goodbye when we parted. She is so messed up. I

started making a list of all of the things that my nada had done and said to me,

for 36 years. I also made a list of her qualities. She is smart. She is

artistic. She is creative. That was that list; three things. Notice, none of

her qualities include humanity. She isn't kind, or generous, or considerate, or

unselfish, or forgiving, or tolerant. My other list was several pages long.

From the abuse, her refusing to work while I nearly starved to death at the age

of 7, her constant cruel criticism, ( " you are such an idiot! " " If you had never

been born... " " if it wasn't for you, your father would have never left " " you'll

never amount to anything " " you're such a pain in my ass " ), her angry tyrades,

her threats ( " maybe I'll just kill myself then; isn't that what you want? " " I'll

be dead by 38 and then I won't be anyone's problem anymore " " if you

do....I'll.... " " don't even think about moving out because I will hunt you down "

" maybe I'll just kill the X!*X!* (referring to my dad, before he left), her

abusive, disrespectful behavior towards my husband of 17 years " he's such an

idiot " " he never respects me, and that's why I hate him " " yeah right, he's

working late, he's probably out screwing around on you! " " he's pathetic " " your

relationship is not healthy; nobody needs to be that codependant. I could live

without your dad. He's a worthless bastard anyhow. " ) I realized that she is

corrupt and evil. I had wasted enough time. She had ruined every birthday,

every holiday, and so many days in between. What if I get cancer? What if I

never get to live, without her abuse? I deserved better and my husband and kids

deserved better. Yes, I felt guilty and yes, she made plenty of threats, " you

keep those kids away from me and I'll just take them " " if you leave me, I'll

kill myself " " you are all I have! " I feared for a long time that she really

would commit suicide and it would be my fault. It took me a year to get up the

courage, but then I cut off all contact and it was the best decision that I have

ever made. It has been painful and I did and still do grieve. Every once in a

while, a little voice tells me " but sometimes she was so sweet " " she always

kissed me goodbye, she must have loved me " . But the big voice in the deepest

part of my core told me that she isn't capable of love and she isn't capable of

changing. This was an abusive relationship and I did the right thing by ending

it. If she kills herself, it's her fault. She could've reached out for help.

Her entire family tried for nearly 30 years, to get her to seek help.

Eventually she has driven everyone away. I was the last one with contact. Now

she really does have nothing. But, I am free. I can breathe. I am discovering

things about myself that I never knew. I am stronger than I thought I was. I

enjoy my family more, I enjoy life more. It's like I was born again and my life

just started at 38.

D

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