Re: New Person -- Looking for advice

[Guest guest]

Welcome SJ,

The more and more I read posts on this message board, the more it

makes me want to work on some BPD awareness campaign. I'm 32 and

just heard about BPD last month. When I tell my friends my mother

has this (she's not been formally diagosed but my therepist suggested

to me she sounds like it) they've never heard of it either. If all

of us had known about this YEARS ago, think of all the time that

could've been saved that we've spent on guilt.

To stay in contact with a borderline, I think you have to have firm

boundaries and NOT ENGAGE with her. Nothing other than a surface

relationship, and set LIMITS AND MORE LIMITS.

From what I have read on this board and know from personal

experience, borderlines have no understanding of boundaries, so this

is incredibly difficult to do.

Are you in therepy? Best of luck to you,

>

> Dear all,

>

> I joined this list about a week ago and I can’t even describe how

> relieving it has been just to hear your stories and how similar they

> are to my experiences. Just knowing that I am not alone in this

makes

> me feel much better.

>

> A little background on how I ended up here †" my mother is not

formally

> diagnosed as BPD. I work with violent gang members and it was

actually

> our psychiatric consult with whom I work on how to deal with the

> occasional sociopath or paranoid schizophrenic who told me my mother

> sounded like classic BPD when we got to talking one day. I did some

> more research and I have no doubt that she is. Without a proper

> diagnosis I don’t know any details on any other compound

disorders she

> may have, but in my mind there’s no doubt its BPD.

>

> Part of it has been so relieving to know that her constant swings

> between being “so proud of me†and hating me for “abandoning

her†(of

> course coupled with “you need to drop everything you’re doing

and come

> home and take care of meâ€) doesn’t actually have anything to do

with

> what I say or do.

>

> Right before I left America she was diagnosed with breast cancer and

> although has now been 2 years cancer free is convinced she will die

> and that the side effects of her post-cancer treatment has crippled

> her beyond the ability of ever being able to work again (furthering

> the argument that I should come home and take care of her).

>

> From what I’ve seen on this list it seems like everyone eventually

> makes the deciding to cut their nada out of their life completely.

> ly, I don’t know if I’m ready to do that (although it

might be

> the healthiest thing for me to do). I don’t have any other family

> members and although I have some close friends that undoubtedly

serve

> as a “stand in†family †" a lot of them are spread out around

the world

> and not always available.

>

> Suggestions on how I can protect myself from my mother’s BPD

swings

> but still possibly maintain a relationship with her?

>

> Thanks!

>

> SJ

>

[Guest guest]

At 10:51 AM 01/08/2009 jacksonsally40 wrote:

>Suggestions on how I can protect myself from my mother's BPD

>swings

>but still possibly maintain a relationship with her?

My experience is that you need to set firm rules and enforce

them and you need to have contact on your terms, not hers. Don't

play her games because if you play, you will lose. Let her know

what your rules are - one phone call per day or per week for

example. Also let her know what the consequences will be if she

doesn't play by the rules. Make sure you actually follow through

with the consequences. My main rule for my nada is that I won't

participate in her attempts to verbally abuse me or other

people. If she can't be nice, I end the phone conversation or

leave and go home. I refuse to voice any opinion on what I think

of her hair styles, her clothing, her decorations etc because if

what I say doesn't suit her, she takes it personally and goes

into a rage. I also won't drop everything and run over to her

house to solve her supposed emergencies. (She does things

without thinking through the consequences which results in far

too much drama for my taste.) I'll do things for her, but only

when it is convenient for me unless it is a real emergency.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

hi sj

i maintain limited contact with my bpd mother - i have spent years

setting up very clear boundaries (i won't discuss certain things with

her - like her failed romances, her estranged family etc etc etc).

she can only visit when she makes a time that is convenient to us or

is invited over. i won't be drawn into her emotional web - i state

very clearly to her that i am an adult with my own life, that my life

and the lives of my husband and children must come first, and that

she is responsible for her won life. i tell her i spent too many

years of my childhood being a parent to her and that i can no longer

play the game of lovign caretaker. it doesn't always work, we still

have dramas, some major some minor. she still pushes my buttons, all

the time, but i get better and better at not letting them switch on.

having a close and wonderful husband has been my saving grace - and

for that i am thankful.

all the best for you - it is a really hard thing to go LC let alone

NC.

bridget

>

> Dear all,

>

> I joined this list about a week ago and I can’t even describe how

> relieving it has been just to hear your stories and how similar they

> are to my experiences. Just knowing that I am not alone in this

makes

> me feel much better.

>

> A little background on how I ended up here †" my mother is not

formally

> diagnosed as BPD. I work with violent gang members and it was

actually

> our psychiatric consult with whom I work on how to deal with the

> occasional sociopath or paranoid schizophrenic who told me my mother

> sounded like classic BPD when we got to talking one day. I did some

> more research and I have no doubt that she is. Without a proper

> diagnosis I don’t know any details on any other compound

disorders she

> may have, but in my mind there’s no doubt its BPD.

>

> Part of it has been so relieving to know that her constant swings

> between being “so proud of me†and hating me for “abandoning

her†(of

> course coupled with “you need to drop everything you’re doing

and come

> home and take care of meâ€) doesn’t actually have anything to do

with

> what I say or do.

>

> Right before I left America she was diagnosed with breast cancer and

> although has now been 2 years cancer free is convinced she will die

> and that the side effects of her post-cancer treatment has crippled

> her beyond the ability of ever being able to work again (furthering

> the argument that I should come home and take care of her).

>

> From what I’ve seen on this list it seems like everyone eventually

> makes the deciding to cut their nada out of their life completely.

> ly, I don’t know if I’m ready to do that (although it

might be

> the healthiest thing for me to do). I don’t have any other family

> members and although I have some close friends that undoubtedly

serve

> as a “stand in†family †" a lot of them are spread out around

the world

> and not always available.

>

> Suggestions on how I can protect myself from my mother’s BPD

swings

> but still possibly maintain a relationship with her?

>

> Thanks!

>

> SJ

>