Using a narcissist as a refuge from nada- any input?

[Guest guest]

Today was a long day, and I just don't totally get why I remain on

a roller coaster ride with my emotions. As much as I dislike being

sick- I enjoyed my time to reflect and just think of my life and my

feelings.

I was checking for apartments, looking for free legal advice and I

was feeling so sure- and today I was back at work, and tonight I dyed

my nada's hair.

It happened while I was dying her hair my father was hanging blinds -

he fell- no big deal, really. He was fine. My nada went crazy-

shaking- screaming at my father- crying hysterically. She told him he

was an a-hole, he never listens to her. The drama was so deep. I asked

my dad if he was ok and he said he was fine- he fell off a step

ladder.

Then it started nada asking me why I got quiet and what was

wrong with me. I told I get upset when she gets angry and speaks so

unkindly. Of course she said that she will never change and she has

the right to speak her mind. I told that is fine- but I don't have to

find it acceptable. She then just like turned on me and told me how

dare I be so judgemental with her. Then she told me how unkind I am as

I daughter.

She then told me it isn't too late- my daughter will turn on me,

and be a horrible daughter too. I told I felt like I would feel

blessed if my daughter was as good as a daughter to me as I was to

her.

I also said I really dislike when you tell you hope for me to have a

bad relationship with my daughter.

She started about how she is going to die soon and her life is

almost over. I don't spend enough time with her. I explained - I don't

because I am entitled to have a life and I have boundaries with

everyone in my life including her. I understood that our relationship

had changed but- I need to lead my own life. Reminding her I talk to

her everyday- and see her 1-2 a week and that is the best I could do.

Then she started crying and saying I just didn't understand- and

I told her I probably didn't. Then she said- " You don't have to dye

my hair again, and she could see this was a huge inconvenince for me. "

I told her they were her words and that is not how I felt, and if

she wanted me to stop dying her hair, then I would. I told I won't

play these games anymore with her.

Had dye not been on this woman's head, I would have probably

left. There was other stuff- but this was just some of the highlights.

I was emotionally spent when I got home. I stood my ground with nada-

I really have been listening to what everyone says in these posts- I

did not back down and I also remained calm.

I came home to my husband who was being human tonight and my

cats-who I love....and here in these moments I just fold- I definitely

know my husband is a narcissist- no doubt- verbally and emotionally

abusive too. This home with this man has been a refuge for me from my

bp mother- but I can't do that anymore- I need to find my refuge

inside of me.

I am exhausted- so exhausted I cave and retreat

to what I know- too tired to keep going, but then I know I give up on

me.

Maybe I need to get a better therapist- maybe I

need to get more aggressive with these people- I just know I in a sick

way maybe use the one as a refuge from the other- and that isn't a

good place for me.

Any advice so I get unstuck and keep moving forward...

Malinda