Re: How can anyone be so insecure and self-centered?

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry that your nada is so ungrateful and abusive. No, I don't

think you are wrong at all! You don't have to take that guilt from

her! It sounds like you did great -- holding your boundaries and

finishing your meal and conversation, even in the face of her demands.

Good for you!

I think this is quite common, at least it is in my family. My nada is

experiencing the same thing with my grandmother (who I just recently

began to see as BP, also). My grandmother complains about everything

my nada does for her. It's difficult to watch, having been through

some of the same feelings with my nada myself. (But that's another

thread!)

Hold on to your boundaries and don't accept the offensive or abusive

behavior. It sounds like you're doing great with this, and I know it's

so difficult when you're in the middle of it. When you hold your

boundaries, I think it's common to feel the backlash FOG

(fear/obligation/guilt), because that's how your nada trained you to

feel if she didn't get her way or she didn't get to behave however she

pleased. It's more productive and it's healthy to pay attention to

your needs and feelings, and you can then deal with your FOGgy

feelings of not taking care of your nada's feelings/desires first.

I also think when nadas age, they are not able to hide their

dysfunctions as well. The masks they wear in " public, " or outside of

the immediate family, start to crack and little things slip through.

Maybe that's what her doctor is seeing now?

Take care!

>

> Yesterday, I decided to be nice and take my 85 year old nada to a

> ladies event (a Christian speaker). As soon as the speaker mentioned

> that often our parents have not lived their own lives fully and try

> to control their children's lives-my nada tuned- out. She refused to

> participate in the interactive part of the program. Afterwards, we

> went to lunch with my Sunday School class. My nada has to be the

> center of attention or she 'acts up " . She stood up, with her house

> key in her hanad and said " it's time to go " . She doesn't drive

> anymore so she is dependent upon me to drive. At first I ignored her

> and then she got louder. It was embarassing. The ladies (who had

> only met her once before-all looked at me to see what my reaction

> would be. I finished my meal (slowly) and finished my conversation.

> She continued to stand over our table and monopolize the

> conversation. She has to tell everyone her age and what a dear,

> sweet man her husband was (right, and I'm a fairy princess, too). I

> was steaming inside. She complained all the way home about the

> speaker, the food and the time. I vow that I will not repeat this

> tortue again. Why couldn't I have had a normal mother? Should I be

> feeling so guilty over telling her that she is offensive? I am on

> only child and she depends upon me to take her to doctor

> appointments, manage her finances, etc. The doctor diagnosed her with

> senile dementia but I know she has acted like this all my life.

>

[Guest guest]

Holy cow, I think we have the same mother.

You have every right to express your discomfort with her behavior. Not that

it will be accepted like a normal person!! but all the same confronting her

with a specific bad behavior and asking for a response from her is perfectly

normal. My experience tells me she'll go on the defensive, blame someone

else, and/or not admit that it ever happened.

Pursue making her responsible for her behavior in the future. She will

probably deny and wrong behavior for the rest of her life and look for pity

instead. don't give pity. just walk away from the conversation.

Don't take her with you on any more excursions unless she actually is the

center of attention!!!!!

good luck. I've experienced 55 years of this horible behavior from someone

who is supposed to love me. It's all about them and always will be.

Laurie

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