Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 [hand in air, waving violently] Me!! But only about certain things, and I've gotten a lot better. > > > > How many people here are perfectionists? > > > > > <http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/86877;_ylc=X3 oDMTJy > Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzIzNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ4BG 1zZ0lk > Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lAzEyMzE1NjcxODA-> Re: Waiting to > Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth > > Posted by: " overtheborder1st " > <mailto:overtheborder1st@...?Subject=%20Re%3A%20Waiting%20to% 20Exhale% > 3A%20%20Anxiety%2C%20Depression%2C%20and%20Waiting%20for%20the% 20oth> > overtheborder1st@... <http://profiles.yahoo.com/overtheborder1st> > overtheborder1st > > Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) > > Hi everyone, > I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly > just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a > great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for months > now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt > as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably > cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from > independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this > one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many > things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of > behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the > book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it > in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of borderlines. > Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long as me. > Namaste SueBee > > > > 1b. > > > > > > > > Randi Kreger > > 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave. > > Milwaukee, WI 53207 > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 I am happy to report that I am a " reformed " perfectionist. It's taken me years to get here, though. I finally got sick of trying to do everything perfect to please others. I always heard nada's voice in my head " you are going to invite people over when your house looks like THAT? " " What are you giving for a gift---really, that is ALL? " " Are you leaving the house looking like that? " I've finally gotten to a place where I simply am me. I don't have the time to try to be perfect and try to make people like me. My first Christmas n/c was incredibly peaceful. All my life on Christmas Day I would have a very heavy heart/depression from feeling like my gifts weren't good enough (nada made sure to make negative comments on everything I bought/did) This year, while we were alone for Christmas, I felt so happy and peaceful in my heart. I loved the gifts I gave DH and the kids, THEY loved the gifts, I didn't second- guess the gifts I gave. I felt GOOD. The way normal people get to feel on a daily basis. I'm proud to be letting go of my perfectionism and even happier to be N/C so I don't have constant reminders that I am not good enough. I think the combo of the two will lead me to a happier, more peaceful 2009. Here's hoping! > > > > How many people here are perfectionists? > > > > > <http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/86877;_ylc=X3 oDMTJy > Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzIzNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ4BG 1zZ0lk > Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lAzEyMzE1NjcxODA-> Re: Waiting to > Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth > > Posted by: " overtheborder1st " > <mailto:overtheborder1st@...?Subject=%20Re%3A%20Waiting%20to% 20Exhale% > 3A%20%20Anxiety%2C%20Depression%2C%20and%20Waiting%20for%20the% 20oth> > overtheborder1st@... <http://profiles.yahoo.com/overtheborder1st> > overtheborder1st > > Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) > > Hi everyone, > I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly > just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a > great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for months > now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt > as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably > cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from > independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this > one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many > things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of > behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the > book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it > in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of borderlines. > Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long as me. > Namaste SueBee > > > > 1b. > > > > > > > > Randi Kreger > > 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave. > > Milwaukee, WI 53207 > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 I've always been a perfectionist, although in the past few years, I've started to let go of a lot of things. It's just one more way that the old programming from nada is used to beat myself up -- I was never satisfied with myself, nothing was ever good enough. This was even true as a child. In second grade I remember getting assignments where we'd color a picture and then answer questions below, per the teacher's instructions. I spent so much time coloring the pictures perfectly that I usually didn't finish answering the questions. My teacher, not noticing that I was following her directions literally, would give me F's for not finishing my work. My nada would make me help her in the kitchen and then complain about everything I did. The last time I remember helping her, I was probably 13 or 14 and she threw a fit because I cut the tomatoes for a salad " wrong " ! I was always busy with something else during meal preparations after that. But it was always like that, without any prior instruction or request of how she would like something to be done. I was just supposed to know, and I never guessed correctly. > > > > How many people here are perfectionists? > > > > > <http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/86877;_ylc=X3oDMTJy > Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzIzNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ4BG1zZ0lk > Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lAzEyMzE1NjcxODA-> Re: Waiting to > Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth > > Posted by: " overtheborder1st " > <mailto:overtheborder1st@...?Subject=%20Re%3A%20Waiting%20to%20Exhale% > 3A%20%20Anxiety%2C%20Depression%2C%20and%20Waiting%20for%20the%20oth> > overtheborder1st@... <http://profiles.yahoo.com/overtheborder1st> > overtheborder1st > > Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) > > Hi everyone, > I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly > just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a > great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for months > now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt > as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably > cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from > independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this > one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many > things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of > behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the > book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it > in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of borderlines. > Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long as me. > Namaste SueBee > > > > 1b. > > > > > > > > Randi Kreger > > 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave. > > Milwaukee, WI 53207 > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 *My nada would make me help her in the kitchen and then complain about everything I did. The last time I remember helping her, I was probably 13 or 14 and she threw a fit because I cut the tomatoes for a salad " wrong " ! I was always busy with something else during meal preparations after that. But it was always like that, without any prior instruction or request of how she would like something to be done. I was just supposed to know, and I never guessed correctly. *That is just so sad. It is really odd how they expect everyone to read their minds. Especially children! Nadas are classic bullies, they want those around them to fail to make themselves feel better. Of course she wouldn't give expectations, or would change them if you got it right! If you did something good, in her mind it made her bad! Oh the kitchen. I was married 5 years before I started really cooking because I HATED the kitchen. Nada was complain about everything I did as a child. The water I was washing the dishes in wasn't hot enough. I wasn't doing it right. She would stand over me and supervise me doing tasks when I was far to old to be babysat that way. I remember a visit one year when I was a married adult around her birthday. She complained over and over that no one was doing anything for her birthday, so I offered to make her dinner and a cake. I made dinner, told everyone to go ahead and eat so I could start the cake, made the cake, got it in the oven long after everyone else had finished eating, and sat down to eat myself while the cake baked. Nada stormed into the kitchen banging around about the HUGE MESS I had left in her kitchen and being a total bitch. I stood up to her and yelled saying I was eating my dinner, everyone else had a chance to eat and I was HUNGRY. I was fully planning on cleaning up the dishes when I was done eating. She just stormed off in tears because I had been so mean to her. That is the last time I did anything for her birthday. I can't imagine treating someone who came to my home and did such a nice thing for me that way! > I've always been a perfectionist, although in the past few years, I've > started to let go of a lot of things. It's just one more way that the > old programming from nada is used to beat myself up -- I was never > satisfied with myself, nothing was ever good enough. > > This was even true as a child. In second grade I remember getting > assignments where we'd color a picture and then answer questions > below, per the teacher's instructions. I spent so much time coloring > the pictures perfectly that I usually didn't finish answering the > questions. My teacher, not noticing that I was following her > directions literally, would give me F's for not finishing my work. > > My nada would make me help her in the kitchen and then complain about > everything I did. The last time I remember helping her, I was probably > 13 or 14 and she threw a fit because I cut the tomatoes for a salad > " wrong " ! I was always busy with something else during meal > preparations after that. But it was always like that, without any > prior instruction or request of how she would like something to be > done. I was just supposed to know, and I never guessed correctly. > > > > > > > > > > How many people here are perfectionists? > > > > > > > > > > > < > http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/86877;_ylc=X3oDMTJy > > > > Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzIzNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ4BG1zZ0lk > > Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lAzEyMzE1NjcxODA-> Re: Waiting to > > Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth > > > > Posted by: " overtheborder1st " > > <mailto:overtheborder1st@...?Subject=%20Re%3A%20Waiting%20to%20Exhale% > > 3A%20%20Anxiety%2C%20Depression%2C%20and%20Waiting%20for%20the%20oth> > > overtheborder1st@... <http://profiles.yahoo.com/overtheborder1st> > > overtheborder1st > > > > Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) > > > > Hi everyone, > > I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly > > just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a > > great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for months > > now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt > > as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably > > cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from > > independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this > > one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many > > things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of > > behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the > > book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it > > in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of borderlines. > > Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long > as me. > > Namaste SueBee > > > > > > > > 1b. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Randi Kreger > > > > 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave. > > > > Milwaukee, WI 53207 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 I definitely used to be! It's gotten much better. kt > > > > How many people here are perfectionists? > > > > > <http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/86877;_ylc=X3 oDMTJy > Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzIzNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ4BG 1zZ0lk > Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lAzEyMzE1NjcxODA-> Re: Waiting to > Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth > > Posted by: " overtheborder1st " > <mailto:overtheborder1st@...?Subject=%20Re%3A%20Waiting%20to% 20Exhale% > 3A%20%20Anxiety%2C%20Depression%2C%20and%20Waiting%20for%20the% 20oth> > overtheborder1st@... <http://profiles.yahoo.com/overtheborder1st> > overtheborder1st > > Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) > > Hi everyone, > I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly > just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a > great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for months > now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt > as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably > cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from > independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this > one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many > things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of > behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the > book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it > in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of borderlines. > Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long as me. > Namaste SueBee > > > > 1b. > > > > > > > > Randi Kreger > > 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave. > > Milwaukee, WI 53207 > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 (It's because if things weren't perfect, I'd get yelled at. If I was as perfect as I could possibly be, then I had a chance at being acceptable in my mother's eyes). Procrastination follows as a direct result of perfectionism. kt > > > > How many people here are perfectionists? > > > > > <http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/86877;_ylc=X3 oDMTJy > Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzIzNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ4BG 1zZ0lk > Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lAzEyMzE1NjcxODA-> Re: Waiting to > Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth > > Posted by: " overtheborder1st " > <mailto:overtheborder1st@...?Subject=%20Re%3A%20Waiting%20to% 20Exhale% > 3A%20%20Anxiety%2C%20Depression%2C%20and%20Waiting%20for%20the% 20oth> > overtheborder1st@... <http://profiles.yahoo.com/overtheborder1st> > overtheborder1st > > Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) > > Hi everyone, > I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly > just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a > great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for months > now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt > as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably > cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from > independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this > one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many > things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of > behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the > book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it > in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of borderlines. > Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long as me. > Namaste SueBee > > > > 1b. > > > > > > > > Randi Kreger > > 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave. > > Milwaukee, WI 53207 > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 -- I can so relate to this!!! My nada was the same way but then to add in some extra fun she would kick me out of the kitchen or tell me I couldn't do some other chore because it was ALL WRONG and that I was a stupid idiot who couldn't figure out the most basic task she would then make it a point to tell everyone she knew (and didn't know, could be anyone she ran into) how spoiled I was because I didn't do anything to help around the house. Funny how she never mentioned that I was told NOT to help anymore!!! I definitely have struggled with perfectionism and it makes me not try new things because it has been ingrained in me that I will fail, do it wrong, f it up, etc etc etc. On a positive side, my perfectionism has helped me tremendously in my job so I try to at least find the positive in that and embrace that part of it. I am working on not having to be perfect from the first try at something. But I still have to consciously do that, it's not natural to me at all. > > > > > > > > > > > > How many people here are perfectionists? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > < > > http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/86877;_ylc=X3oDMTJy > > > > > > > Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzIzNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ4BG1zZ0lk > > > Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lAzEyMzE1NjcxODA-> Re: Waiting to > > > Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth > > > > > > Posted by: " overtheborder1st " > > > <mailto:overtheborder1st@?Subject=%20Re%3A%20Waiting%20to%20Exhale% > > > 3A%20%20Anxiety%2C%20Depression%2C%20and%20Waiting%20for%20the%20oth> > > > overtheborder1st@ <http://profiles.yahoo.com/overtheborder1st> > > > overtheborder1st > > > > > > Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) > > > > > > Hi everyone, > > > I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly > > > just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a > > > great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for months > > > now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt > > > as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably > > > cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from > > > independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this > > > one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many > > > things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of > > > behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the > > > book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it > > > in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of borderlines. > > > Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long > > as me. > > > Namaste SueBee > > > > > > > > > > > > 1b. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Randi Kreger > > > > > > 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave. > > > > > > Milwaukee, WI 53207 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 Recovering perfectionist/procrastinator here. I second that emotion. > > > > > > > > How many people here are perfectionists? > > > > > > > > > > > <http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/86877;_ylc=X3 > oDMTJy > > > Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzIzNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ4BG > 1zZ0lk > > Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lAzEyMzE1NjcxODA-> Re: > Waiting to > > Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth > > > > Posted by: " overtheborder1st " > > <mailto:overtheborder1st@?Subject=%20Re%3A%20Waiting%20to% > 20Exhale% > > 3A%20%20Anxiety%2C%20Depression%2C%20and%20Waiting%20for%20the% > 20oth> > > overtheborder1st@ <http://profiles.yahoo.com/overtheborder1st> > > overtheborder1st > > > > Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) > > > > Hi everyone, > > I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly > > just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a > > great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for > months > > now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt > > as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably > > cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from > > independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this > > one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many > > things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of > > behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the > > book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it > > in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of > borderlines. > > Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long > as me. > > Namaste SueBee > > > > > > > > 1b. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Randi Kreger > > > > 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave. > > > > Milwaukee, WI 53207 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 One of the most memorable childhood incidents with my nada involved sweeping the living and dining room floors when I was about 12. She wanted it done perfectly. The broom kept shedding straws though, so I'd sweep and there would be pieces of broom straw on the floor afterward. She got increasingly angry at me over that and made me sweep the floors again each time rather than just allowing me to pick up the fallen pieces of the broom. This went on for a couple of hours. I don't remember how I finally escaped from it. That may have been the point where my father came home from work. I think she knew by then that she couldn't get away with this type of thing when my father was watching. I am definitely not a perfectionist, especially where cleaning is concerned. I don't care if other people think my home is clean enough. I think I learned young that it simply wasn't possible to make anything clean enough, so why bother trying? It was clear to me that being perfect was impossible and what seemed perfect to me wasn't good enough. At 12:21 PM 01/10/2009 damemagnifique00 wrote: > -- I can so relate to this!!! My nada was the same way >but >then to add in some extra fun she would kick me out of the >kitchen or >tell me I couldn't do some other chore because it was ALL WRONG >and >that I was a stupid idiot who couldn't figure out the most >basic task >she would then make it a point to tell everyone she knew (and >didn't >know, could be anyone she ran into) how spoiled I was because I >didn't >do anything to help around the house. Funny how she never >mentioned >that I was told NOT to help anymore!!! I definitely have >struggled >with perfectionism and it makes me not try new things because >it has >been ingrained in me that I will fail, do it wrong, f it up, >etc etc >etc. On a positive side, my perfectionism has helped me >tremendously >in my job so I try to at least find the positive in that and >embrace >that part of it. I am working on not having to be perfect from >the >first try at something. But I still have to consciously do >that, it's >not natural to me at all. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 I'm 99.9% certain my grandma (who likes to claim raised me - I spent several prolonged periods living with her) is BPD , and suspect my mom may be, too, but I'm less sure there (although she definitely has/has had some clinical mental health issues). Anyway, on the cooking - I started cooking at age 6 to feed myself while with mom because she frequently didn't get home from work/school/whatever until 7 or later at night (I would do stove top mac & cheese, ramen, or TV dinners or frozen pot pies in the oven). I got pretty into baking by age 8, and did well enough with measurements to be able to prepare a recipe on my own with just an occasional question to a grownup. I remember several occasions working on a baking project (cookies, a cheesecake, a coffee cake, a pie) at grandma's, where she would keep hassling me about the mess I was making. I'd tell her I was being careful and I'd clean everything up when I was done and got whatever it was in the oven. But she'd hit a point where she just couldn't take it any more, so she'd grab a sponge and would start wiping down the counter where I was working, literally reaching around me or making me lift the bowl up, WHILE I was in the middle of trying to mix stuff or pour it into a pan or something. This happened from age 8 all the way up to 16. I avoided any further attempts at serious cooking in grandma's kitchen after that. It was irritating, but I also found it funny - I mean, who the hell does that? Why can't it wait five more minutes - especially when you'll probably just have to wipe the counter again? I remember my overriding emotion being annoyance, but I've always been very skilled at sublimating my emotions, so maybe it hit me deeper than I recognized. Grandma also had a tendency to get really pissy about people being in her kitchen while she was cooking; she'd freak out that we were gonna get burned, or we were in her way, or we'd wreck something. To this day, I feel anxious when people watch me cook, and I don't like having people around me when I cook. I wonder if there isn't a connection. Could be more of a flea picked up from grandma's behavior while she was cooking - she modeled that cooking was a severely anxiety producing affair and you gotta clear the area or you will lose your frigging MIND. =) [it's funny right now, but it hasn't been as funny when I've experienced being the anxious cook] > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > How many people here are perfectionists? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > < > > > > http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/86877;_ylc=X3o DMTJy > > > > > > > > > > > Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzIzNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ4BG 1zZ0lk > > > > Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lAzEyMzE1NjcxODA-> Re: > Waiting to > > > > Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth > > > > > > > > Posted by: " overtheborder1st " > > > > <mailto:overtheborder1st@?Subject=%20Re%3A%20Waiting%20to% 20Exhale% > > > > > 3A%20%20Anxiety%2C%20Depression%2C%20and%20Waiting%20for%20the% 20oth> > > > > overtheborder1st@ <http://profiles.yahoo.com/overtheborder1st> > > > > overtheborder1st > > > > > > > > Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) > > > > > > > > Hi everyone, > > > > I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly > > > > just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a > > > > great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for > months > > > > now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt > > > > as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably > > > > cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from > > > > independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this > > > > one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many > > > > things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of > > > > behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the > > > > book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it > > > > in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of > borderlines. > > > > Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long > > > as me. > > > > Namaste SueBee > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 1b. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Randi Kreger > > > > > > > > 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave. > > > > > > > > Milwaukee, WI 53207 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 Yep. All these perfectionism stories are so eerily similar to my own life. My nada would do that thing of demanding help with a task, calling me lazy and ungrateful, so I'd stop what I was doing and help with whatever her task was, but then harangue me because I wasn't doing it " right " . She'd hover and nitpick, also. I wasn't cutting the vegetables small enough, or the right shapes. I didn't load the dishwasher right, she had to re-do it. I didn't make the bed right. I didn't fold the clothes right.. ad infinitum. I used to be a total perfectionist in my work life. It actually helped me get ahead in my career, to a point. Then it became a detriment. I've slowly learned to divest myself of a lot of perfectionist traits. Its like our nadas are Maleficent the Evil Fairy, trying to lay curses on us: You will NEVER be Good Enough/Successful Enough/Rich Enough, etc. to please ME! (And if you do manage to do well, then, its due to MY unceasing efforts at prodding and forcing you to do so.) Argh. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > How many people here are perfectionists? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > < > > http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/86877;_ylc=X3oDMTJy > > > > > > > Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzIzNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ4BG1zZ0lk > > > Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lAzEyMzE1NjcxODA-> Re: Waiting to > > > Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth > > > > > > Posted by: " overtheborder1st " > > > <mailto:overtheborder1st@?Subject=%20Re%3A%20Waiting%20to%20Exhale% > > > 3A%20%20Anxiety%2C%20Depression%2C%20and%20Waiting%20for%20the%20oth> > > > overtheborder1st@ <http://profiles.yahoo.com/overtheborder1st> > > > overtheborder1st > > > > > > Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) > > > > > > Hi everyone, > > > I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly > > > just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a > > > great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for months > > > now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt > > > as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably > > > cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from > > > independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this > > > one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many > > > things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of > > > behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the > > > book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it > > > in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of borderlines. > > > Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long > > as me. > > > Namaste SueBee > > > > > > > > > > > > 1b. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Randi Kreger > > > > > > 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave. > > > > > > Milwaukee, WI 53207 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 I am also reformed! :) I used to STRESS OUT before having company over and CLEANED everything, I don't know what I thought would happen if someone heaven forbid saw a spider web or dog hair. Like RealMom, I was NC this xmas and had a wonderful holiday! I didn't have to have everything look perfect, I keep thinking, " it's good enough! " . > > > > > > > > How many people here are perfectionists? > > > > > > > > > > > <http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/86877;_ylc=X3 > oDMTJy > > > Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzIzNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ4BG > 1zZ0lk > > Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lAzEyMzE1NjcxODA-> Re: > Waiting to > > Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth > > > > Posted by: " overtheborder1st " > > <mailto:overtheborder1st@?Subject=%20Re%3A%20Waiting%20to% > 20Exhale% > > 3A%20%20Anxiety%2C%20Depression%2C%20and%20Waiting%20for%20the% > 20oth> > > overtheborder1st@ <http://profiles.yahoo.com/overtheborder1st> > > overtheborder1st > > > > Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) > > > > Hi everyone, > > I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly > > just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a > > great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for > months > > now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt > > as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably > > cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from > > independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this > > one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many > > things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of > > behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the > > book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it > > in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of > borderlines. > > Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long > as me. > > Namaste SueBee > > > > > > > > 1b. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Randi Kreger > > > > 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave. > > > > Milwaukee, WI 53207 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 brookefor2009, I envy you that reform, but I'm also happy for you. When I remember the constant effort to keep everything spotless and the endless housework that was required. Nowadays, my nada's house is actually kind of *dirty*--she can't abide clutter, but she's not big on actual cleaning. My friend visited my nada with me and the kids last summer, and there was this small pile of rags in a corner of the kitchen, and my friend asked me what it was for. I had no idea. Imagine my surprise when I watched nada drag it out of the corner with her foot and use it to wipe a spill on the floor--all with her foot. It was the weirdest thing. I'm just relieved that she got a garbage can that opens automatically, because she used to keep the garbage can on the kitchen counter, which I thought was foul and disgusting, especially because it was the size of a wastebasket, so there was always this passive-aggressive battle to see who would take it out when it was full. Word of the day: avalanche. tinker_mell To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: brookefor2009@...: Sat, 10 Jan 2009 21:28:59 +0000Subject: Re: perfectionism I am also reformed! :) I used to STRESS OUT before having company over and CLEANED everything, I don't know what I thought would happen if someone heaven forbid saw a spider web or dog hair. Like RealMom, I was NC this xmas and had a wonderful holiday! I didn't have to have everything look perfect, I keep thinking, " it's good enough! " .> >> > > > > > How many people here are perfectionists?> > > > > > > > > > > <http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/86877;_ylc=X3> oDMTJy> > > Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzIzNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ4BG> 1zZ0lk> > Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lAzEyMzE1NjcxODA-> Re: > Waiting to> > Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth > > > > Posted by: " overtheborder1st " > > <mailto:overtheborder1st@?Subject=%20Re%3A%20Waiting%20to%> 20Exhale%> > 3A%20%20Anxiety%2C%20Depression%2C%20and%20Waiting%20for%20the%> 20oth>> > overtheborder1st@ <http://profiles.yahoo.com/overtheborder1st>> > overtheborder1st > > > > Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) > > > > Hi everyone,> > I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly> > just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a> > great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for > months> > now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt> > as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably> > cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from> > independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this> > one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many> > things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of> > behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the> > book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it> > in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of > borderlines.> > Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long > as me.> > Namaste SueBee> > > > > > > > 1b. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Randi Kreger> > > > 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave.> > > > Milwaukee, WI 53207> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]> >> _________________________________________________________________ Windows Live™ Hotmail®: Chat. Store. Share. Do more with mail. http://windowslive.com/explore?ocid=TXT_TAGLM_WL_t1_hm_justgotbetter_explore_012\ 009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 You know, I take directions very literally, too. That's lead to a lot of problems. For example, soeone told me to find some kind of label " on the door " of my car. So I looked at the door and couldn't find it. Finally, I came to find out it was on the part of the car that the door touches when it's closed. (This part of a car may have a name, but I don't know what it is.) Randi Kreger Randi @BPDCentral.com www.BPDCentral.com * NEW! Author, The Essential Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells > > > > > > > > How many people here are perfectionists? > > > > > > > > > > > <http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/86877;_ylc=X3 oDMTJy > > > Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzIzNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ4BG 1zZ0lk > > Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lAzEyMzE1NjcxODA-> Re: Waiting to > > Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth > > > > Posted by: " overtheborder1st " > > <mailto:overtheborder1st@?Subject=%20Re%3A%20Waiting%20to% 20Exhale% > > 3A%20%20Anxiety%2C%20Depression%2C%20and%20Waiting%20for%20the% 20oth> > > overtheborder1st@ <http://profiles.yahoo.com/overtheborder1st> > > overtheborder1st > > > > Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) > > > > Hi everyone, > > I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly > > just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a > > great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for months > > now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt > > as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably > > cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from > > independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this > > one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many > > things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of > > behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the > > book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it > > in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of borderlines. > > Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long > as me. > > Namaste SueBee > > > > > > > > 1b. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Randi Kreger > > > > 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave. > > > > Milwaukee, WI 53207 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 On the subject of fear of starting new things, I belong to a group of people who either read or write fiction. I read some of the stories and I know how to do something a better way. Yet I can't start a story of my own because it would have to be just as good as my non- fiction--which I've been doing since the late 70's! I expect to write fiction just as well--and on the first draft, too. Perfectionism can be good. In the process of writing my newest book, I read not only EVERYTHING about BPD but about all the related topics that make up the five tools (eg taking care of yourself, getting unstuck, communication, setting boundaries, and reinforcing the right behavior). On top of THAT I read everything that had to do with causes, treatment, and finding a therapist, while coming up with an explanation of the conflicts that occur between BPs and nons for different types of relationships. I was driven to do this because I felt it was my life's work. But I gave up a normal life for three years,and when I resurfaced, I found out I had missed a lot, including a mammogram and making friends and nurturing friendships. And next week I'm taking the mammogram that I missed. I'm reading a great book about writing fiction. After that, I plan on actually starting the story I've been thinking about for about 6 months! We'll see what happens. Randi Kreger Randi @BPDCentral.com www.BPDCentral.com * NEW! Author, The Essential Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > How many people here are perfectionists? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > < > > > > http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/86877;_ylc=X3o DMTJy > > > > > > > > > > > Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzIzNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ4BG 1zZ0lk > > > > Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lAzEyMzE1NjcxODA-> Re: > Waiting to > > > > Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth > > > > > > > > Posted by: " overtheborder1st " > > > > <mailto:overtheborder1st@?Subject=%20Re%3A%20Waiting%20to% 20Exhale% > > > > > 3A%20%20Anxiety%2C%20Depression%2C%20and%20Waiting%20for%20the% 20oth> > > > > overtheborder1st@ <http://profiles.yahoo.com/overtheborder1st> > > > > overtheborder1st > > > > > > > > Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) > > > > > > > > Hi everyone, > > > > I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly > > > > just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a > > > > great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for > months > > > > now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt > > > > as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably > > > > cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from > > > > independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this > > > > one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many > > > > things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of > > > > behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the > > > > book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it > > > > in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of > borderlines. > > > > Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long > > > as me. > > > > Namaste SueBee > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 1b. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Randi Kreger > > > > > > > > 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave. > > > > > > > > Milwaukee, WI 53207 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 I know what you mean! I could never do anything nice for my nada without being yelled at for something. When I was 16 and could drive myself, I purchased a way-too-expensive Mother's Day gift. The night before I stayed up until after she went upstairs to bed to wrap it. She YELLED at me from the top of the stairs that I needed to go to bed. She went on and on about how she couldn't relax and go to sleep until I was in bed. That was a new rule to me, and really pissed me off that I had tried to do something for her. You're so right about the bully thing. And it is sad. > > > > > > > > > > > > How many people here are perfectionists? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > < > > http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/86877;_ylc=X3oDMTJy > > > > > > > Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzIzNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ4BG1zZ0lk > > > Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lAzEyMzE1NjcxODA-> Re: Waiting to > > > Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth > > > > > > Posted by: " overtheborder1st " > > > <mailto:overtheborder1st@?Subject=%20Re%3A%20Waiting%20to%20Exhale% > > > 3A%20%20Anxiety%2C%20Depression%2C%20and%20Waiting%20for%20the%20oth> > > > overtheborder1st@ <http://profiles.yahoo.com/overtheborder1st> > > > overtheborder1st > > > > > > Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) > > > > > > Hi everyone, > > > I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly > > > just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a > > > great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for months > > > now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt > > > as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably > > > cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from > > > independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this > > > one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many > > > things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of > > > behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the > > > book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it > > > in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of borderlines. > > > Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long > > as me. > > > Namaste SueBee > > > > > > > > > > > > 1b. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Randi Kreger > > > > > > 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave. > > > > > > Milwaukee, WI 53207 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 10, 2009 Report Share Posted January 10, 2009 Randi; I am not a perfectionist and never have been. I like seeing something finished, even if it isn't done just right. I have a lot of clothing that I've made that have flaws but I prefer to have them to wear than to have them perfect. I'm also left-handed and have synesthesia (joined senses) and I'm eccentric. From what I've been told and read, the synesthesia changes things for the positive. Flowers in Oz perfectionism How many people here are perfectionists? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2009 Report Share Posted January 11, 2009 Now I understand why I can't ever seem to finish something!! i.e. a course of yoga/studies etc ever since I was a child because of fear of failure in someway. I know it seems illogical about how can one fail at yoga right?! well in my mind during classes I often find myself saying " do it right do it right, watch that person see they can do it right " and not actually relaxing like the class teaches one to!! arrghhh > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > How many people here are perfectionists? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > < > > > > http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/86877;_ylc=X3oDMTJy > > > > > > > > > > > Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzIzNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ4BG1zZ0lk > > > > Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lAzEyMzE1NjcxODA-> Re: > Waiting to > > > > Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth > > > > > > > > Posted by: " overtheborder1st " > > > > <mailto:overtheborder1st@?Subject=%20Re%3A%20Waiting%20to%20Exhale% > > > > > 3A%20%20Anxiety%2C%20Depression%2C%20and%20Waiting%20for%20the%20oth> > > > > overtheborder1st@ <http://profiles.yahoo.com/overtheborder1st> > > > > overtheborder1st > > > > > > > > Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) > > > > > > > > Hi everyone, > > > > I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly > > > > just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a > > > > great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for > months > > > > now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt > > > > as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably > > > > cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from > > > > independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this > > > > one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many > > > > things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of > > > > behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the > > > > book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it > > > > in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of > borderlines. > > > > Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long > > > as me. > > > > Namaste SueBee > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > 1b. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Randi Kreger > > > > > > > > 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave. > > > > > > > > Milwaukee, WI 53207 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2009 Report Share Posted January 11, 2009 Wait! wait!! four more have croppped up: " You will never win with me, you will always loose " said when I was about 22 or 23 after an argument (at that point I was relieved to know she was f****d up! b/c what rational person would say that?!) " You think you are pretty cool now that you've got .......down there don't you " said to me at age 11 or 12 when I hit puberty and got p**** hair. This said in front of my step-father. " You've got that all twisted up! " after another argument - total projection! " ...oh yes I forgot *you* have a life " said with a joking tone when I had to get off the telephone to her in my 20s. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2009 Report Share Posted January 11, 2009 *You can't have every thing be PERFECT (anytime I set boundaries and rules for her to follow with my kids) *Well I guess I'm just a horrible mother/grandmother/person (when I would explain that everyone else followed the same rules/boundaries with the kids) *You are just like your FATHER (anytime I did anything that she didn't like as a child. My father was a nice enough guy, but he was bipolar, and had made several suicide attempts, so that was a pretty horrible thing to say to a kid.) On Sun, Jan 11, 2009 at 10:31 AM, angeandsimon wrote: > Wait! wait!! four more have croppped up: > > " You will never win with me, you will always loose " said when I was > about 22 or 23 after an argument (at that point I was relieved to know > she was f****d up! b/c what rational person would say that?!) > > " You think you are pretty cool now that you've got .......down there > don't you " said to me at age 11 or 12 when I hit puberty and got p**** > hair. This said in front of my step-father. > > " You've got that all twisted up! " after another argument - total > projection! > > " ...oh yes I forgot *you* have a life " said with a joking tone when I > had to get off the telephone to her in my 20s. > > > -- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 11, 2009 Report Share Posted January 11, 2009 I have always been a perfectionist much to my own detriment. I used to think it was a good thing but I have learned it has interfered with my life, my jobs, and my relationships with people. I find if I can't do something " perfectly " I won't attempt to do it at all. I also have found that when I do attempt to do something if it doesn't meet my standards I am frustrated, angry and tend to belittle, criticize and beat myself up with negative thoughts (I'm a loser, I can't do anything right, I hate myself, etc.). I believe the perfectionist in me has kept me a prisoner of my own making, blocks my creative instincts, keeps me from taking small risks, prevents me from seizing opportunities and mostly has stifled my ability to really experience and participate in life. I work on trying not to be so hard on myself, giving myself pats on the back, and being aware when I start with the negative thoughts about myself such as I can't do ANYthing right and changing the thought to I do alot of things right. It is work and a struggle but it's better than beating myself down. I've been beaten down so much most of my life somebody has to stand up for me...why not let it be me? ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Saturday, January 10, 2009 9:37:17 AM Subject: perfectionism How many people here are perfectionists? <http://groups. yahoo.com/ group/WTOAdultCh ildren1/message/ 86877;_ylc= X3oDMTJy Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU 5NzE1BGdycElkAzI zNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3B JZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ 4BG1zZ0lk Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXN nBHNsawN2bXNnBHN 0aW1lAzEyMzE1Njc xODA-> Re: Waiting to Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth Posted by: " overtheborder1st " <mailto:overtheborder1st@ yahoo.com?Subject=%20Re% 3A%20Waiting% 20to%20Exhale% 3A%20%20Anxiety% 2C%20Depression% 2C%20and% 20Waiting% 20for%20the% 20oth> overtheborder1st@ yahoo.com <http://profiles. yahoo.com/ overtheborder1st> overtheborder1st Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) Hi everyone, I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for months now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of borderlines. Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long as me. Namaste SueBee 1b. Randi Kreger 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave. Milwaukee, WI 53207 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2009 Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 ::leaping up and down:: Me Me Me! Because if I didn't do it perfectly when I was a kid, nada and narcissistic fada wouldn't let up on me, and things were always nicer if I did everything perfectly. > > > > How many people here are perfectionists? > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2009 Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 Katrina, I think my house is a paradoxical response to my mother's insistence that the house be immaculate. My house is messy. I like it that way. And I clean it when I want to clean it. It's not dirty - but things get messy and the dishes don't always get done immediately after a meal. Life won't come to an end if you go to bed without vacuuming. Somewhere, my nada just got a chill up her spine as I typed that LOLOL > > -- I can so relate to this!!! My nada was the same way > >but > >then to add in some extra fun she would kick me out of the > >kitchen or > >tell me I couldn't do some other chore because it was ALL WRONG > >and > >that I was a stupid idiot who couldn't figure out the most > >basic task > >she would then make it a point to tell everyone she knew (and > >didn't > >know, could be anyone she ran into) how spoiled I was because I > >didn't > >do anything to help around the house. Funny how she never > >mentioned > >that I was told NOT to help anymore!!! I definitely have > >struggled > >with perfectionism and it makes me not try new things because > >it has > >been ingrained in me that I will fail, do it wrong, f it up, > >etc etc > >etc. On a positive side, my perfectionism has helped me > >tremendously > >in my job so I try to at least find the positive in that and > >embrace > >that part of it. I am working on not having to be perfect from > >the > >first try at something. But I still have to consciously do > >that, it's > >not natural to me at all. > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2009 Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 Hi Randi, you probably have already enough responses to make clear that the KO population often is perfectionist... I join the club! But I am lucky that I am not perfectionist in everything. I am a real streber, because I want to be perfect in what I am good at. It used to be even stronger, it was something that kept me going. In my second year of studies, right before the exams my mother tried to kill herself with gas, I found her unconscious, dragged her naked body into the open air and waited anxiously for her to 'wake up'; she did and the first thing she said was that this should stay a secret and that I could never talk about it to anyone, also not to herself. I escaped in my work and succeeded with the highest distinction. It is also remarkable for me that I feel never happy or proud about such achievements, the more perfect they are , the less happy I feel. That year of my studies I actually felt guilty on top: how could I have such high results when something so terrible had happened? Sure it had to be true what I was almost reproached: I sure must be selfish, cold, indifferent. My perfectionism is waning though, and it sometimes feels liberating! Katrina > > > > How many people here are perfectionists? > > > > > <http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WTOAdultChildren1/message/86877;_ylc=X3 oDMTJy > Mzk3bzhzBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzIzNDI3NDUEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1MDYxMjQ4BG 1zZ0lk > Azg2ODc3BHNlYwNkbXNnBHNsawN2bXNnBHN0aW1lAzEyMzE1NjcxODA-> Re: Waiting to > Exhale: Anxiety, Depression, and Waiting for the oth > > Posted by: " overtheborder1st " > <mailto:overtheborder1st@...?Subject=%20Re%3A%20Waiting%20to% 20Exhale% > 3A%20%20Anxiety%2C%20Depression%2C%20and%20Waiting%20for%20the% 20oth> > overtheborder1st@... <http://profiles.yahoo.com/overtheborder1st> > overtheborder1st > > Fri Jan 9, 2009 12:30 pm (PST) > > Hi everyone, > I am not new to this group, been around for about a year but mostly > just read and don't write now. I wanted everyone to know about a > great book I have been reading and using with my therapist for months > now. It is called Getting Through the Day strategies for Adults Hurt > as Children and it is by J. Napier it is $16.95 but probably > cheaper at an amazon site. I have decided to buy only from > independent book sellers locally so pay top dollar but must say this > one is well worth it. I have even written in it and underlined many > things (my perfectionistic self does not usually allow this type of > behavior insert smile here) This subject is addressed often in the > book and I have gained so much insight. Look it up folks I place it > in the top 2 for this subject the other being children of borderlines. > Hang in there and hi to all the folks that have been around as long as me. > Namaste SueBee > > > > 1b. > > > > > > > > Randi Kreger > > 3120 S. Pennsylvania Ave. > > Milwaukee, WI 53207 > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2009 Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 (giving you a virtual high-five: SMAK!) Both my Sister and I did that too; our form of rebellion against our nada's obsession with having an immaculate house was that we both have messy houses. Like you, I don't allow filth, but things are kind of stacked and the bed doesn't get made up all the time, and I don't do dishes immediately, either. The irony is, that nada's obsessiveness with maintaining a neat and ordered house had no purpose. NObody ever just dropped in to say hello. NO surprise visits, from either neighbors or relatives; everything in nada's life was organized and planned. It probably would have thrown her into a state of restrained, icily-polite fury if anyone ever did just drop in! -Annie > > > -- I can so relate to this!!! My nada was the same way > > >but > > >then to add in some extra fun she would kick me out of the > > >kitchen or > > >tell me I couldn't do some other chore because it was ALL WRONG > > >and > > >that I was a stupid idiot who couldn't figure out the most > > >basic task > > >she would then make it a point to tell everyone she knew (and > > >didn't > > >know, could be anyone she ran into) how spoiled I was because I > > >didn't > > >do anything to help around the house. Funny how she never > > >mentioned > > >that I was told NOT to help anymore!!! I definitely have > > >struggled > > >with perfectionism and it makes me not try new things because > > >it has > > >been ingrained in me that I will fail, do it wrong, f it up, > > >etc etc > > >etc. On a positive side, my perfectionism has helped me > > >tremendously > > >in my job so I try to at least find the positive in that and > > >embrace > > >that part of it. I am working on not having to be perfect from > > >the > > >first try at something. But I still have to consciously do > > >that, it's > > >not natural to me at all. > > > > -- > > Katrina > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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