Guest guest Posted January 17, 2009 Report Share Posted January 17, 2009 Hi Annie I also had to speak " very,very,very carefully " to nada,taking care to preface whatever I said with a gentle loving smile so she wouldn't automatically " think " that I was " hating " her.Which is a really inauthentic way of relating when you are genuinely upset or feeling aggrieved and to this day my knee jerk reaction when I need to voice a hurt or a complaint is to be " sweet " about it.I hate it and am working on it but I feel so triggered by the mere potential of an emotional/verbal/physical attack that I immediately try to placate the other person,even before I have actually spoken up about feeling wounded or pissed off,which makes the other person believe that whatever it is isn't " really that bad " .It's SO frustrating. When people tell you how carefully you speak and enunciate your words,does it remind you of the reasons why? I appreciate well meant compliments but I can't help but recall the bitter early experiences that made me be...for example I am often told that I am " so patient " and am known for being patient: " is so patient/ is so calm " ...I had to train myself to be " patient " because nada was the one who was allowed to cry,to be upset,to be hysterical.I was " selfish " if I had any feelings.I had to be the little adult. I went for a check up with a doctor a few years ago and was stressed out because the appointment was on my lunch break and it was running late.While he was listening to my heart and taking my blood pressure I took a deep breath to calm myself down and slowly exhaled,willing myself to relax.He listened to my heart again and said as he took off the stethoscope, " Wow,that's amazing...did you know you can regulate your own heartbeat? I've heard of people achieving that through meditation but I've never actually seen anyone do it.You just took your heart rate down by twenty beats per minute,that's amazing... " Not so " amazing " ,I thought,if you've been through what I have.I had been trained in the " nada school of meditation " ! > > > > > > " Don't get your hopes up " > > > > > > " No matter how good you are there is always someone better " > > > > > > " I'm not your nigger " > > > (she resented having to do ANYTHING for me and she's racist, > > obviously) > > > > > > " You're just like your FATHER " > > > (said with such disdain) > > > > > > " What did YOU do? " > > > (to make someone do something bad to me) > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2009 Report Share Posted January 18, 2009 Sounds like our nadas were cut from the same piece of cloth. Like you, I have had people compliment me on my patience, saying I would be a good teacher. And that is because, like you, I had to train myself to wait, be calm and not react when nada was being abusive. During nada's rages, my little Sister learned to tune out her feelings to the point that she is in therapy now to get back her ability to experience a full range of emotions. When nada would rage at us, she'd get right in our faces and scream at us, and we had to just stand there and take it like zombies or dolls, because if we cried or begged for mercy, for God knows what warped reason that would just ratchet up the level of nada's rage and prolong it. We might get beaten with the belt instead of just screamed at. I had to train myself to not flinch involuntarily if nada made a sudden, unexpected move near me. If she saw me flinch then it was obvious that I was afraid of her, that I was expecting her to strike me, and it made her feel not perfect. I was rebuking nada by flinching, and that would trigger yet another rage, so I learned to not do that. For whatever reason, I lost that ability and now startle so strongly at unexpected noises that it hurts. (I have a herniated neck disc and sudden jerking movements of the upper body aren't good.) Again, I wish that somehow bpd moms (or any personality disordered / mentally ill moms) could be relieved of the duty of parenting. I wish that society, that the powers that be would come to realize how destructive and crippling mentally ill parents are to young children, particularly the mother, the primary care-giver. My bpd/narcissist mom was way too poorly equipped to parent small children, yet able to project this public image of " the perfect mother " . I think the most long-lasting, deepest damage was done to my Sister and me before we were six years old. By school age we were thoroughly trained and programmed, obedient, silent, terrified little robots. -Annie > > > > > > > > " Don't get your hopes up " > > > > > > > > " No matter how good you are there is always someone better " > > > > > > > > " I'm not your nigger " > > > > (she resented having to do ANYTHING for me and she's racist, > > > obviously) > > > > > > > > " You're just like your FATHER " > > > > (said with such disdain) > > > > > > > > " What did YOU do? " > > > > (to make someone do something bad to me) > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2009 Report Share Posted January 18, 2009 > My bpd/narcissist mom was way too poorly equipped to parent small > children, yet able to project this public image of " the perfect > mother " . I think the most long-lasting, deepest damage was done to my > Sister and me before we were six years old. By school age we were > thoroughly trained and programmed, obedient, silent, terrified little > robots. > Annie, what you said here really struck a cord because that was me too - a silent obedient little robot. Adults always commented on how incredibly well-behaved I was and how " mature " I was for my age. At the same time others my age were running, yelling, playing, fighting, all that normal childhood stuff. Turns out children aren't supposed to be quiet and still and listen attentively and be oh so polite. Who knew? J Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2009 Report Share Posted January 18, 2009 Here is another phrase repeated over and over: " You are determined to do me in! " Funny how they seem to be actually doing the very thing they accuse us of doing. M > > > > > > > > > > " Don't get your hopes up " > > > > > > > > > > " No matter how good you are there is always someone better " > > > > > > > > > > " I'm not your nigger " > > > > > (she resented having to do ANYTHING for me and she's racist, > > > > obviously) > > > > > > > > > > " You're just like your FATHER " > > > > > (said with such disdain) > > > > > > > > > > " What did YOU do? " > > > > > (to make someone do something bad to me) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2009 Report Share Posted January 18, 2009 Yes, its a chilling thought: small, trusting, defenseless children in the hands of an insane person. Don't forget that some bpds have intermittent (transient) breaks with reality, as well. I've seen mine do that on more than one occasion. My Sister and I could easily have been killed or maimed when our mother suddenly stopped " being there " , in the present, with us. I'm pretty sure that happened when nada was driving, at least once. She was so infuriated with me one time when I was small and she was driving, that she kept looking at me to scream at me instead of looking at the road. She must have totally forgotten that she was even driving. Its a miracle we didn't wind up in a head-on collision with oncoming traffic. My nada was dangerously mentally ill, too unstable to raise kids. Its a wonder we survived at all. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > " Don't get your hopes up " > > > > > > > > > > " No matter how good you are there is always someone better " > > > > > > > > > > " I'm not your nigger " > > > > > (she resented having to do ANYTHING for me and she's racist, > > > > obviously) > > > > > > > > > > " You're just like your FATHER " > > > > > (said with such disdain) > > > > > > > > > > " What did YOU do? " > > > > > (to make someone do something bad to me) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 18, 2009 Report Share Posted January 18, 2009 Yep, that's called " projection " : their own thoughts are projected outwards onto other people. Very, very insane, and very, very creepy. I wonder what the best answer is to a person who is projecting their thoughts onto you? Is there anything the projectee can say in the moment that will give the bpd self-awareness, make them realize that they are just trying to rid themselves of their own unhappy, obsessive thoughts by attributing them to someone else? Whenever I'd question something my nada said to me, it would trigger a rage. I can't even begin to count how many times my nada would attribute negative thoughts to me when I wasn't even engaged with her in conversation. I'd be, like, reading a book or watching TV and she'd say something like, " You look like you're angry at me " . WTF? She'd also tell me that I was a glutton, or I was ungrateful, or stupid, etc. etc. She herself had to be perfect, always, so I guess my Sister and I were the waste baskets: she could toss her negative self-talk into us. Nada was fond of telling me in a sad, sincere tone, " You know, you can't help how you feel about a person / a situation / whatever. " I guess that was her justification for raging at us: she couldn't help it. I always wanted to add, " But you sure as hell can help how you *behave*, no matter *what* you are feeling, mommy dearest. " That explanation never worked in reverse, though. Sister and I were held totally responsible for every word we uttered and every choice we made. Another nada-ism: " Do as I Say, Not As I Do. " Probably that old saying came from someone with a " Cluster B " personality disorder. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > " Don't get your hopes up " > > > > > > > > > > > > " No matter how good you are there is always someone better " > > > > > > > > > > > > " I'm not your nigger " > > > > > > (she resented having to do ANYTHING for me and she's > racist, > > > > > obviously) > > > > > > > > > > > > " You're just like your FATHER " > > > > > > (said with such disdain) > > > > > > > > > > > > " What did YOU do? " > > > > > > (to make someone do something bad to me) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 As a person who is knew to knowing that her mother had BPD these Top Fives always mess with me...its this slow realization that all the things my mother did when I was a child is in fact -- not normal. Sometimes its freaky. " You're trying to do me in. " -- Got that one. When she got cancer, of course, it was her stress of having to deal with me that " caused " her to develop it. " You're lazy/inconsiderate/selfish/self-centered/spoiled. " -- Those could come up at any moment in time. " I am the best mother in the world. " -- Of course, having been trained NEVER to disagree this one has been validated ENDLESSLY. The last one that really struck me was when someone posted about other people commenting that as a KO I was always very " patient " and " extremely mature for my age. " These were almost my DEFINING characteristics as a child...less so as an adult since now its just called having " success. " I'm constantly taken aback by how far reaching the effects of being raised by a nada are. SJ. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > " Don't get your hopes up " > > > > > > > > > > > > > > " No matter how good you are there is always someone better " > > > > > > > > > > > > > > " I'm not your nigger " > > > > > > > (she resented having to do ANYTHING for me and she's > > racist, > > > > > > obviously) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > " You're just like your FATHER " > > > > > > > (said with such disdain) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > " What did YOU do? " > > > > > > > (to make someone do something bad to me) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Stepnada only said this once, but it certainly summed up the way she felt about my sister and I. She said it after I was saying how family is the best thing in my life (though actually referring to my dad, sisters, husband, and my real mom.): " Family will hurt you more than anyone else. " Then she started crying and accused me of writing a book about her. Ha. Maybe I will. > > And now for more sayings! I want to thank everyone so much for replying to my 'top ten > nada sayings' over the holidays. I was glad to see so many were helped by that thread. As > I continue to be no contact, more memories are continuing to pop up, and I have realized > there were also a series of terrible, terrible sayings that were also repeated over and over, > with the guise of 'protecting' me but that really only were nada projecting her infantile > terror and inability to raise me onto poor grade school Charlie. > > So here they are, the Top Five nada Terror-Talks: > > 1. You're gonna poke your eye out with those scissors! > (?) > > 2. You're gonna slice your finger off with that knife! > (every time I picked up a knife) > > 3. You're gonna get pneumonia out there! > (every time I went outside in the winter) > > 4. 'Beeeee careful!' > (every time I drove anywhere--implication, you will die in a car wreck) > > Oh, sorry. I guess there are only four. > > Charlie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 hey thanks for the idea. I will have extra time this summer. this will be a great project. M > > > > And now for more sayings! I want to thank everyone so much for > replying to my 'top ten > > nada sayings' over the holidays. I was glad to see so many were > helped by that thread. As > > I continue to be no contact, more memories are continuing to pop > up, and I have realized > > there were also a series of terrible, terrible sayings that were > also repeated over and over, > > with the guise of 'protecting' me but that really only were nada > projecting her infantile > > terror and inability to raise me onto poor grade school Charlie. > > > > So here they are, the Top Five nada Terror-Talks: > > > > 1. You're gonna poke your eye out with those scissors! > > (?) > > > > 2. You're gonna slice your finger off with that knife! > > (every time I picked up a knife) > > > > 3. You're gonna get pneumonia out there! > > (every time I went outside in the winter) > > > > 4. 'Beeeee careful!' > > (every time I drove anywhere--implication, you will die in a car > wreck) > > > > Oh, sorry. I guess there are only four. > > > > Charlie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 I couldn't agree with you more whole heartedly that vulnerable,defenseless children should never be left in the sole care of a mentally ill parent.It is simply pointless and damaging and I cannot think of a single reason that would EVER justify it. Like your sister,I am also trying to recover access to a full range of emotions.I also tuned out during attacks and became stoic to the point of almost feeling nothing.Up until I attended grade school nada didn't even indulge the slightest restraint with me--she fractured my left arm twice throwing me across the room.Fada didn't take me to the hospital and wrapped my arm in an ace bandage himself because poor nada had merely been " upset " and of course the people at the Emergency Room wouldn't understand that...There are photos of me with that ace bandage on my arm sitting next to my brother when he was six months old and then again when he is a bit over a year old...same ace bandage,same arm but clearly different times...I have a thin scar on my upper lip but no memory of ever splitting my lip open,so that must have happened quite early...one thing I don't really buy about bpd rages is that they can't control themselves or else nada's psychopathy gave her some measure of self control because once I was in grade school and there were witnesses or people I could tell the truth to she stopped throwing me across the room. Nada,like yours,would also ratchet up the level of abuse if I showed any fearful emotion.She was so evil and sick she even resented my stoicism and would resort to vicious emotional abuse to make me hurt,such as telling me that I never should have been born,that she would give me away if she could but that nobody else would want me and if I looked wounded would take it up another notch: " WHO would want you,I'm the only person who can stand you " ... " I always wished you had been born dead " ...It was like she was pushing the limits of how much I could be an inantimate object and if I responded with any sign of being wounded she went right for my emotional jugular because she had to " win " . You mentioned having a startle reaction.I do too and I didn't have one when I was younger.It was when I let in the feeling that something was horrifically wrong with how I was " raised " that I developed this startle reaction,my natural feelings coming out in that way.Or a delayed reaction to what would have been a normal physiological reaction to being trapped in a house with a crazy person who hurt me.In other words " this is how you really feel " but were unable to express when the incidents were actually occuring,if that makes sense. > > > > > > > > > > " Don't get your hopes up " > > > > > > > > > > " No matter how good you are there is always someone better " > > > > > > > > > > " I'm not your nigger " > > > > > (she resented having to do ANYTHING for me and she's racist, > > > > obviously) > > > > > > > > > > " You're just like your FATHER " > > > > > (said with such disdain) > > > > > > > > > > " What did YOU do? " > > > > > (to make someone do something bad to me) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 I have a strong hyper-startle reaction too, which is easily set off anytime I'm concentrating. It's kind of embarassing b/c I work in MH and I feel like my PTSD is obvious...not that I really care. But anyway, people are always startling me and then apologizing. For some reason, when I was about 10 or so, maybe younger, I took it upon myself to stand up to nada. I would be scared inside, but I would tell her off when her rages got to a certain point. It was like I was taking up for the whole family - me, my sister and my F. They would try to shush me, but sometimes I just couldn't take it and I would fight back, with words. I'm sure I didn't do it every time, b/c there were times when she told F to hit us with his belt, and he would. This was her ultimate show of control - to show that he would abuse us at her command. My sis and I went to the elem. school where she was a well-liked teacher, known for being nice, pleasant, and not much of a disciplinarian. We knew better than to tell anyone otherwise. Once I was even told to lie about eating breakfast, which we were forbidden to do. Nada didn't want to be bothered, but when we learned about food and nutrition in 3rd grade, I was told to lie and say I'd eaten a healthy breakfast - which I did - from the o.j. to the eggs. Joanna In WTOAdultChildren1 , " christine.depizan " wrote: > > I couldn't agree with you more whole heartedly that > vulnerable,defenseless children should never be left in the sole care > of a mentally ill parent.It is simply pointless and damaging and I > cannot think of a single reason that would EVER justify it. > > Like your sister,I am also trying to recover access to a full > range of emotions.I also tuned out during attacks and became stoic to > the point of almost feeling nothing.Up until I attended grade school > nada didn't even indulge the slightest restraint with me--she > fractured my left arm twice throwing me across the room.Fada didn't > take me to the hospital and wrapped my arm in an ace bandage himself > because poor nada had merely been " upset " and of course the people at > the Emergency Room wouldn't understand that...There are photos of me > with that ace bandage on my arm sitting next to my brother when he > was six months old and then again when he is a bit over a year > old...same ace bandage,same arm but clearly different times...I have > a thin scar on my upper lip but no memory of ever splitting my lip > open,so that must have happened quite early...one thing I don't > really buy about bpd rages is that they can't control themselves or > else nada's psychopathy gave her some measure of self control because > once I was in grade school and there were witnesses or people I could > tell the truth to she stopped throwing me across the room. > > Nada,like yours,would also ratchet up the level of abuse if I > showed any fearful emotion.She was so evil and sick she even resented > my stoicism and would resort to vicious emotional abuse to make me > hurt,such as telling me that I never should have been born,that she > would give me away if she could but that nobody else would want me > and if I looked wounded would take it up another notch: " WHO would > want you,I'm the only person who can stand you " ... " I always wished > you had been born dead " ...It was like she was pushing the limits of > how much I could be an inantimate object and if I responded with any > sign of being wounded she went right for my emotional jugular because > she had to " win " . > > You mentioned having a startle reaction.I do too and I didn't > have one when I was younger.It was when I let in the feeling that > something was horrifically wrong with how I was " raised " that I > developed this startle reaction,my natural feelings coming out in > that way.Or a delayed reaction to what would have been a normal > physiological reaction to being trapped in a house with a crazy > person who hurt me.In other words " this is how you really feel " but > were unable to express when the incidents were actually occuring,if > that makes sense. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > " Don't get your hopes up " > > > > > > > > > > > > " No matter how good you are there is always someone better " > > > > > > > > > > > > " I'm not your nigger " > > > > > > (she resented having to do ANYTHING for me and she's > racist, > > > > > obviously) > > > > > > > > > > > > " You're just like your FATHER " > > > > > > (said with such disdain) > > > > > > > > > > > > " What did YOU do? " > > > > > > (to make someone do something bad to me) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 (((((((((((()))))))))) I'm so sorry you had to endure that level of abuse. I can't imagine how much pain you must have experienced, having your arm broken twice and going untreated. Its hard to tell which is worse: the physical abuse or the emotional abuse. That's why, I'm sorry to say, I have less than no sympathy for someone who is " suffering " from the kind of personality disorder that projects the dysfunction outward, and who believes in her damaged brain that she has the *right* to do anything imaginable to relieve her own pain. And I have actual hatred for the enablers, who see the violence inflicted on innocent minds and bodies and do nothing to stop it, catering to their own weakness, fear, and misplaced " loyalty. " Its hard to tell which is worse: the diseased perpetrator or the cowardly enabler(s). -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > > " Don't get your hopes up " > > > > > > > > > > > > " No matter how good you are there is always someone better " > > > > > > > > > > > > " I'm not your nigger " > > > > > > (she resented having to do ANYTHING for me and she's > racist, > > > > > obviously) > > > > > > > > > > > > " You're just like your FATHER " > > > > > > (said with such disdain) > > > > > > > > > > > > " What did YOU do? " > > > > > > (to make someone do something bad to me) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 Annie thank you for the cyber hug and your empathy.It really is very appreciated I'm with you on having " less than no sympathy " for parents with these kinds of PDs for the same reasons you stated.As someone who can empathize with a small child's helplessness and vulnerability,I just can't wrap my head around how warped you have to be to be unable to SEE that. As for the enablers...they are just as sick in their own way.There is no other explanation.At least,I can't think of one.Not when it would be obvious to any other psychologically sound person that actual abuse had occured and action must be taken to prevent more of same instead of covering up for it. Personally,for me,the physical abuse WAS emotional abuse because it was a similar lack of caring about how I felt or how much it hurt. I have to say that nada's words more often wounded me more than her blows and it seems to me that emotional abuse cuts more deeply to the soul-- but it's still hard to say which was worse...ALL of it was wrong; we have been so terribly wronged. -- > > > > > > > > > > > > > > " Don't get your hopes up " > > > > > > > > > > > > > > " No matter how good you are there is always someone better " > > > > > > > > > > > > > > " I'm not your nigger " > > > > > > > (she resented having to do ANYTHING for me and she's > > racist, > > > > > > obviously) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > " You're just like your FATHER " > > > > > > > (said with such disdain) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > " What did YOU do? " > > > > > > > (to make someone do something bad to me) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2009 Report Share Posted January 21, 2009 Yeah, I was reminded every year that I didn't know how to pick a mother's day card, by my BPD parent. One year she even said, " Maybe I'll just by my own! " I thought to myself, " It sure would be easier for you because you THINK you are wonderful! " On the other hand, me trying to pick a card for the monster was torture! ____________________________________________________________ Click here for low prices on label makers and supplies. http://thirdpartyoffers.juno.com/TGL2141/fc/PnY6rw2wtPwl7TUBLQ1KgHoZPoVFgsL3ip7C\ iQPGBct8cOYYz1SCT/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 22, 2009 Report Share Posted January 22, 2009 here is another one. " your daddy made me psychotic! " M > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > " Don't get your hopes up " > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > " No matter how good you are there is always someone better " > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > " I'm not your nigger " > > > > > > > > > (she resented having to do ANYTHING for me and she's > > > > racist, > > > > > > > > obviously) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > " You're just like your FATHER " > > > > > > > > > (said with such disdain) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > " What did YOU do? " > > > > > > > > > (to make someone do something bad to me) > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2009 Report Share Posted January 24, 2009 The main ones for me were: " you'll kill yourself!!!! " (Usually if I was about to go down a slide in a playground or jump into the swimming pool) " don't take any shit from anyone! " (Every day before I left for school...) " Put a jumper on! " (sweltering heat or not) " when I die, just chop my legs off and bury me in my glory box " (slightly more bizarre. > > And now for more sayings! I want to thank everyone so much for replying to my 'top ten > nada sayings' over the holidays. I was glad to see so many were helped by that thread. As > I continue to be no contact, more memories are continuing to pop up, and I have realized > there were also a series of terrible, terrible sayings that were also repeated over and over, > with the guise of 'protecting' me but that really only were nada projecting her infantile > terror and inability to raise me onto poor grade school Charlie. > > So here they are, the Top Five nada Terror-Talks: > > 1. You're gonna poke your eye out with those scissors! > (?) > > 2. You're gonna slice your finger off with that knife! > (every time I picked up a knife) > > 3. You're gonna get pneumonia out there! > (every time I went outside in the winter) > > 4. 'Beeeee careful!' > (every time I drove anywhere--implication, you will die in a car wreck) > > Oh, sorry. I guess there are only four. > > Charlie > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2009 Report Share Posted January 25, 2009 here were some from BPD dad an NPD mom: " I know you better that you know yourself. " " We share the same soul. " " I know just what you are thinking " " I know just what you are feeling " " Of course you are good at X, I'm good at X and you take after me " (whenever I accomplished something) " What will people think? " " Oh, I suppose you think you'll be perfect parent! I can tell you think you'll be so perfect and won't make any mistakes! " " You think you're so smart " " Don't talk to me like I'm a three year old! " (if I was talking Dad down from a tantrum) " You're lucky I'm not my father! He would have smacked you for that " (shaking fist in my face, in completely random rage) " I could dislocate your shoulder if I wanted to " " If I wanted to, I could kill you with a single blow, I know all the pressure points " " If I wanted to, I could snap your neck " When I couldn't stand it anymore at 13 and begged them for family therapy as I was having suicidal thoughts: Mom: " You can't be depressed! no daughter of mine would depressed! What would people think of me if you killed yourself!? " Dad: " Of course you want to kill yourself. I want to kill myself and your share my soul. I'll understand if you do it, I never had the courage to myself " . Ah........good times, good times. Letty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2009 Report Share Posted January 25, 2009 Wow! I thought my mom was the only one who wanted to " snap necks " Here are some things my mom would say. " You're just like your father " I didn't know who my real father was until after I moved out and got married. " Nobody wants to be your friend. What a cosmic joke. People are only out to get you! " " You ruined my chance at ever having a life " " Why can't you take care of me for once? " She said this until I turned 16 then it turned into " If you can't help take care of me get out! " I was kicked out three different times before I left for good. " You're older and should know better. " My mom said this to me just a couple of months ago. I accepted this when I was little little but it should not apply past the age of 8 when you and your sibling are two years apart! She idolizes my sister and thinks she can do no wrong. I've always been the target. > > here were some from BPD dad an NPD mom: > > " I know you better that you know yourself. " > > " We share the same soul. " > > " I know just what you are thinking " > > " I know just what you are feeling " > > " Of course you are good at X, I'm good at X and you take after me " > (whenever I accomplished something) > > " What will people think? " > > " Oh, I suppose you think you'll be perfect parent! I can tell you > think you'll be so perfect and won't make any mistakes! " > > " You think you're so smart " > > " Don't talk to me like I'm a three year old! " (if I was talking Dad > down from a tantrum) > > " You're lucky I'm not my father! He would have smacked you for that " > (shaking fist in my face, in completely random rage) > > " I could dislocate your shoulder if I wanted to " > > " If I wanted to, I could kill you with a single blow, I know all the > pressure points " > > " If I wanted to, I could snap your neck " > > When I couldn't stand it anymore at 13 and begged them for family > therapy as I was having suicidal thoughts: > > Mom: " You can't be depressed! no daughter of mine would depressed! > What would people think of me if you killed yourself!? " > > Dad: " Of course you want to kill yourself. I want to kill myself and > your share my soul. I'll understand if you do it, I never had the > courage to myself " . > > Ah........good times, good times. > > Letty > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2009 Report Share Posted January 25, 2009 ((((((((((Letty))))))))) that made me cry. You had TWO insane parents; you must have a core of steel to have survived that. I am completely amazed that a bpd and an npd would marry each other in the first place, and... stay married!? It seems impossible to me that two such aggressively selfish, angry, empathyless, disturbed kinds of pds could tolerate each other under the same roof for more than a few minutes. Wow. Holy ****! (My nada can't stand to be around others who are just like herself, is my experience.) -Annie > > here were some from BPD dad an NPD mom: > > " I know you better that you know yourself. " > > " We share the same soul. " > > " I know just what you are thinking " > > " I know just what you are feeling " > > " Of course you are good at X, I'm good at X and you take after me " > (whenever I accomplished something) > > " What will people think? " > > " Oh, I suppose you think you'll be perfect parent! I can tell you > think you'll be so perfect and won't make any mistakes! " > > " You think you're so smart " > > " Don't talk to me like I'm a three year old! " (if I was talking Dad > down from a tantrum) > > " You're lucky I'm not my father! He would have smacked you for that " > (shaking fist in my face, in completely random rage) > > " I could dislocate your shoulder if I wanted to " > > " If I wanted to, I could kill you with a single blow, I know all the > pressure points " > > " If I wanted to, I could snap your neck " > > When I couldn't stand it anymore at 13 and begged them for family > therapy as I was having suicidal thoughts: > > Mom: " You can't be depressed! no daughter of mine would depressed! > What would people think of me if you killed yourself!? " > > Dad: " Of course you want to kill yourself. I want to kill myself and > your share my soul. I'll understand if you do it, I never had the > courage to myself " . > > Ah........good times, good times. > > Letty > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2009 Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 Wow, I had a BPD mum and NPD dad... and I got a few of these too... with the classic dad addition of " don't tell me what to do, I created you! " > > here were some from BPD dad an NPD mom: > > " I know you better that you know yourself. " > > " We share the same soul. " > > " I know just what you are thinking " > > " I know just what you are feeling " > > " Of course you are good at X, I'm good at X and you take after me " > (whenever I accomplished something) > > " What will people think? " > > " Oh, I suppose you think you'll be perfect parent! I can tell you > think you'll be so perfect and won't make any mistakes! " > > " You think you're so smart " > > " Don't talk to me like I'm a three year old! " (if I was talking Dad > down from a tantrum) > > " You're lucky I'm not my father! He would have smacked you for that " > (shaking fist in my face, in completely random rage) > > " I could dislocate your shoulder if I wanted to " > > " If I wanted to, I could kill you with a single blow, I know all the > pressure points " > > " If I wanted to, I could snap your neck " > > When I couldn't stand it anymore at 13 and begged them for family > therapy as I was having suicidal thoughts: > > Mom: " You can't be depressed! no daughter of mine would depressed! > What would people think of me if you killed yourself!? " > > Dad: " Of course you want to kill yourself. I want to kill myself and > your share my soul. I'll understand if you do it, I never had the > courage to myself " . > > Ah........good times, good times. > > Letty > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2009 Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 Oh wow! How many times have I heard: " What will people think? " Here's a unique one that nada liked to say when I was a teenager: " If you ever get pregnant I'll beat the baby out of you! " Kind of ironic karma that I am her only child and have ovarian failure so I can't have children now that I am an adult. > > > > here were some from BPD dad an NPD mom: > > > > " I know you better that you know yourself. " > > > > " We share the same soul. " > > > > " I know just what you are thinking " > > > > " I know just what you are feeling " > > > > " Of course you are good at X, I'm good at X and you take after me " > > (whenever I accomplished something) > > > > " What will people think? " > > > > " Oh, I suppose you think you'll be perfect parent! I can tell you > > think you'll be so perfect and won't make any mistakes! " > > > > " You think you're so smart " > > > > " Don't talk to me like I'm a three year old! " (if I was talking Dad > > down from a tantrum) > > > > " You're lucky I'm not my father! He would have smacked you for > that " > > (shaking fist in my face, in completely random rage) > > > > " I could dislocate your shoulder if I wanted to " > > > > " If I wanted to, I could kill you with a single blow, I know all > the > > pressure points " > > > > " If I wanted to, I could snap your neck " > > > > When I couldn't stand it anymore at 13 and begged them for family > > therapy as I was having suicidal thoughts: > > > > Mom: " You can't be depressed! no daughter of mine would depressed! > > What would people think of me if you killed yourself!? " > > > > Dad: " Of course you want to kill yourself. I want to kill myself > and > > your share my soul. I'll understand if you do it, I never had the > > courage to myself " . > > > > Ah........good times, good times. > > > > Letty > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2009 Report Share Posted January 26, 2009 My nada is very possessive and always said she would have me seen as unfit and raise the baby herself. That's kind of ironic too. > > > > > > here were some from BPD dad an NPD mom: > > > > > > " I know you better that you know yourself. " > > > > > > " We share the same soul. " > > > > > > " I know just what you are thinking " > > > > > > " I know just what you are feeling " > > > > > > " Of course you are good at X, I'm good at X and you take after me " > > > (whenever I accomplished something) > > > > > > " What will people think? " > > > > > > " Oh, I suppose you think you'll be perfect parent! I can tell you > > > think you'll be so perfect and won't make any mistakes! " > > > > > > " You think you're so smart " > > > > > > " Don't talk to me like I'm a three year old! " (if I was talking > Dad > > > down from a tantrum) > > > > > > " You're lucky I'm not my father! He would have smacked you for > > that " > > > (shaking fist in my face, in completely random rage) > > > > > > " I could dislocate your shoulder if I wanted to " > > > > > > " If I wanted to, I could kill you with a single blow, I know all > > the > > > pressure points " > > > > > > " If I wanted to, I could snap your neck " > > > > > > When I couldn't stand it anymore at 13 and begged them for family > > > therapy as I was having suicidal thoughts: > > > > > > Mom: " You can't be depressed! no daughter of mine would depressed! > > > What would people think of me if you killed yourself!? " > > > > > > Dad: " Of course you want to kill yourself. I want to kill myself > > and > > > your share my soul. I'll understand if you do it, I never had the > > > courage to myself " . > > > > > > Ah........good times, good times. > > > > > > Letty > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 27, 2009 Report Share Posted January 27, 2009 I got a couple that just came to me: " I brought you into this world and I can take you out. " " I can...and will...make your life a living hell. " > > > > > > here were some from BPD dad an NPD mom: > > > > > > " I know you better that you know yourself. " > > > > > > " We share the same soul. " > > > > > > " I know just what you are thinking " > > > > > > " I know just what you are feeling " > > > > > > " Of course you are good at X, I'm good at X and you take after me " > > > (whenever I accomplished something) > > > > > > " What will people think? " > > > > > > " Oh, I suppose you think you'll be perfect parent! I can tell you > > > think you'll be so perfect and won't make any mistakes! " > > > > > > " You think you're so smart " > > > > > > " Don't talk to me like I'm a three year old! " (if I was talking > Dad > > > down from a tantrum) > > > > > > " You're lucky I'm not my father! He would have smacked you for > > that " > > > (shaking fist in my face, in completely random rage) > > > > > > " I could dislocate your shoulder if I wanted to " > > > > > > " If I wanted to, I could kill you with a single blow, I know all > > the > > > pressure points " > > > > > > " If I wanted to, I could snap your neck " > > > > > > When I couldn't stand it anymore at 13 and begged them for family > > > therapy as I was having suicidal thoughts: > > > > > > Mom: " You can't be depressed! no daughter of mine would depressed! > > > What would people think of me if you killed yourself!? " > > > > > > Dad: " Of course you want to kill yourself. I want to kill myself > > and > > > your share my soul. I'll understand if you do it, I never had the > > > courage to myself " . > > > > > > Ah........good times, good times. > > > > > > Letty > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 28, 2009 Report Share Posted January 28, 2009 Im new to the group and im not sure what all were in the last list, but the saying my nada had that sticks out the most in my mind was " Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about! " I know lots of mothers say this children and its not necessarily a problem, but the way my nada used it made me afraid to show any emotion to her, lest I be punished. I say something similiar now when my toddler throws a fit for no reason, but my nada would say this no matter what i was crying about. Once I was upset because some kids at school made fun of me and she threatened me with this saying, but i didnt stop crying and she " spanked " me (we wont go into the physical abuse here, its still to big a subject for me to work through yet.) There were hundreds or thousands of incidents like this leaving me afraid to show her any emotion, trying to bottle them all up inside which would work for a few days maybe a week then I would blow up, setting her off even worse than ever. it was exhausting and still messes with the way I process and share emotions to this day, I almost never ever cry about any of my personal feelings still. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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