Re: Another Top Five

[Guest guest]

When parents project their own negative thoughts at their children, or

continuously insult and demean their children in the guise of giving

" advice " or " warnings " (like the things you posted below) sometimes

the result is that the child's subconscious will make the Horrible

Thing come true, in order to please the parent.

Its like programming the child to screw up.

When I was around 8 or 9, I begged my nada to teach me to use her

sewing machine. I wanted to make things like clothes for my doll, and

I would watch my nada sew and wanted to do it so much. She said no,

maybe when I was older, but I begged and pestered her. Finally she

threaded and set up the machine for me, showed me how to use the pedal

and guide the cloth, but then she left. She said, " I can't stand to

stay here and watch this, you're going to run that needle through your

fingers. " And she left the room.

After just a few stitches, I got scared. I believed her, and I didn't

want to sew my fingers together, so I stopped.

But I wanted to show her how much I wanted to sew, and I thought I

could figure out how to make a t-shirt, so I just cut out two t-shirt

shapes (separately, so they didn't even match. I didn't know about

using patterns) and sewed them together by hand. I was so proud that

I'd put two pieces of cloth together and that it actually fit me. It

was cock-eyed and asymmetrical with different color threads and uneven

stitching but I was proud of the first thing I'd ever sewed. When I

showed it to her, she just looked disgusted and said, " Don't you ever

wear that thing outside, I don't want anyone to see you wearing it.

It's ugly and I don't want people to think *I* made that for you. "

Of course I was crushed, and never tried to learn to use a sewing

machine after that incident, I was too afraid of them.

-Annie

>

> And now for more sayings! I want to thank everyone so much for

replying to my 'top ten

> nada sayings' over the holidays. I was glad to see so many were

helped by that thread. As

> I continue to be no contact, more memories are continuing to pop up,

and I have realized

> there were also a series of terrible, terrible sayings that were

also repeated over and over,

> with the guise of 'protecting' me but that really only were nada

projecting her infantile

> terror and inability to raise me onto poor grade school Charlie.

>

> So here they are, the Top Five nada Terror-Talks:

>

> 1. You're gonna poke your eye out with those scissors!

> (?)

>

> 2. You're gonna slice your finger off with that knife!

> (every time I picked up a knife)

>

> 3. You're gonna get pneumonia out there!

> (every time I went outside in the winter)

>

> 4. 'Beeeee careful!'

> (every time I drove anywhere--implication, you will die in a car wreck)

>

> Oh, sorry. I guess there are only four.

>

> Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

> 3. You're gonna get pneumonia out there!

> (every time I went outside in the winter)

>

> 4. 'Beeeee careful!'

> (every time I drove anywhere--implication, you will die in a car

wreck)

Charlie, these two above are on the list for my nada. Every time she's

sick she makes a huge deal about how careful I have to be, and how I

might get sick, and how there's a flu going around. I remind her I

live far away and there are different germs but she persists. And

wouldn't you know it - I often get sick after that. And I am sooo

angry when that happens...I know rationally it's not her fault, but it

feels almost like it is somehow.

Oh and I must be careful whenever leaving the house after dark for fear

of what/whom? and I must not talk on the cell phone in my car because

I'm just begging to be car jacked!

J

[Guest guest]

2. You're gonna slice your finger off with that knife!

(every time I picked up > a knife)

My nada said this too.

I just last month found out my mother is borderline and I'm still

researching about borderline behavior. As I learn, I'm continually

shocked and amazed to discover all the ways her craziness has

affected me that I don't even realize!

I am terrified of knives, to me they are like loaded guns. My

husband loves to cook and I am always so nervous about him cutting

himself or things that are totally irrational, like the knife falling

off the cutting board and stabbing one of our daugthers. I actually

only have 1 knife in the house that I feel safe using, I use it for

everything to cook. The knife is getting old and b/c it's serrated

we can't sharpen it. So, my DH bought me 2 new knifes for xmas, one

like the old one and another one that is smaller so he thought I

might be less scared of it. Well I can predict that I won't ever

touch that new knife.

4. 'Beeeee careful!'

(every time I drove anywhere--implication, you will die in a car

wreck)

I am also terrified of my DH dying in a car accident, every time he

leaves I HAVE to kiss him and tell him to please be careful. The

funny thing is I never just think he could get into a small accident,

my mind always thinks the worst possible scenario.

Geez, I didn't realize these things were connected to my nada!

Also, wanted to add two more

5) Aren't you going to lock that? (car door, dorm room door)

6) Don't leave your purse there someone will steal it.

>

> And now for more sayings! I want to thank everyone so much for

replying to my 'top ten

> nada sayings' over the holidays. I was glad to see so many were

helped by that thread. As

> I continue to be no contact, more memories are continuing to pop

up, and I have realized

> there were also a series of terrible, terrible sayings that were

also repeated over and over,

> with the guise of 'protecting' me but that really only were nada

projecting her infantile

> terror and inability to raise me onto poor grade school Charlie.

>

> So here they are, the Top Five nada Terror-Talks:

>

> 1. You're gonna poke your eye out with those scissors!

> (?)

>

> 2. You're gonna slice your finger off with that knife!

> (every time I picked up > a knife)

> 3. You're gonna get pneumonia out there!

> (every time I went outside in the winter)

>

> 4. 'Beeeee careful!'

> (every time I drove anywhere--implication, you will die in a car

wreck)

>

> Oh, sorry. I guess there are only four.

>

> Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

Oooh, forgot about this one: " People will see you. " To this day I

have this exaggerated fear of people watching me and criticizing my

every move. Even inside my own house. I don't feel comfortable

being myself unless the blinds are closed, cause, you know, the

neighbors might not have anything better to do than spy on a middle-

aged woman doing absolutely nothing. Sigh.

> >

> > And now for more sayings! I want to thank everyone so much for

> replying to my 'top ten

> > nada sayings' over the holidays. I was glad to see so many were

> helped by that thread. As

> > I continue to be no contact, more memories are continuing to pop

> up, and I have realized

> > there were also a series of terrible, terrible sayings that were

> also repeated over and over,

> > with the guise of 'protecting' me but that really only were nada

> projecting her infantile

> > terror and inability to raise me onto poor grade school Charlie.

> >

> > So here they are, the Top Five nada Terror-Talks:

> >

> > 1. You're gonna poke your eye out with those scissors!

> > (?)

> >

> > 2. You're gonna slice your finger off with that knife!

> > (every time I picked up > a knife)

>

> > 3. You're gonna get pneumonia out there!

> > (every time I went outside in the winter)

> >

> > 4. 'Beeeee careful!'

> > (every time I drove anywhere--implication, you will die in a car

> wreck)

> >

> > Oh, sorry. I guess there are only four.

> >

> > Charlie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This post reminded me of all the FEAR my nada always had -- of

everyone and every possible horrible scenario! I'm of the belief that

negative things happen because we're putting energy into those fears.

My nada is like your's, . Once on a trip to NYC, my nada kept

harassing me all day about my purse, and I better keep a better grip

on it because someone could run by and snatch it at any moment -- I

was just asking for it, letting it swing from my shoulder. She, on the

other hand kept hers (more of a totebag than a purse -- with all of

our maps, hotel info, plane tickets, her wallet with credit cards, and

traveler's checks) tucked under her arm ALL DAY LONG. Until our last

stop at a restaurant, where she put it down for about 30 seconds and

in that time, it was stolen! LOL! Of course to her, this proved her

even MORE right about my purse, though.

> >

> > And now for more sayings! I want to thank everyone so much for

> replying to my 'top ten

> > nada sayings' over the holidays. I was glad to see so many were

> helped by that thread. As

> > I continue to be no contact, more memories are continuing to pop

> up, and I have realized

> > there were also a series of terrible, terrible sayings that were

> also repeated over and over,

> > with the guise of 'protecting' me but that really only were nada

> projecting her infantile

> > terror and inability to raise me onto poor grade school Charlie.

> >

> > So here they are, the Top Five nada Terror-Talks:

> >

> > 1. You're gonna poke your eye out with those scissors!

> > (?)

> >

> > 2. You're gonna slice your finger off with that knife!

> > (every time I picked up > a knife)

>

> > 3. You're gonna get pneumonia out there!

> > (every time I went outside in the winter)

> >

> > 4. 'Beeeee careful!'

> > (every time I drove anywhere--implication, you will die in a car

> wreck)

> >

> > Oh, sorry. I guess there are only four.

> >

> > Charlie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ah, yes, nada sayings. Some of these are probably repeats of sayings

others have posted in the last few weeks (sorry for the redundancy,

but maybe it'll be validating for those who've already

posted 'em? )

Things heard from my grandma in childhood and in adulthood:

- you just think you're so smart (see also, you think you're so much

smarter than everybody else, you just think you know everything,

you're not as smart as you think you are)

- you're going to get your comeuppance one of these days, mark my

words

- you're going to end up just like your mom [unspoken: an abject

failure and/or pregnant at 18 - also unspoken: you ruined your mom's

life, because she's a failure because she got pregnant with YOU]

- after everything I've done for you, and you've never so much as

said a thank you [as many of you know, you can never say thank you

enough]

- nobody appreciates all of the sacrifices I've made

- you ungrateful snot

- nobody cares what you think

- what will the neighbors think about me? (when she disapproved of my

clothing choice as a kid or, as an adult, a non-white boyfriend)

- nobody cares about me (sniff)

- your grandfather is very upsest about the way you've been treating

me [when her attempts to guilt me about how rotten I was making her

feel didn't seem to work]

- [to my cousin, who's like a sister to me, when she reported getting

mostly As and some Bs}: why can't you get straight A's, like

[gethappy]?

- I wonder what happened to that nice little girl who we enjoyed

caring for all those years [when I set and stuck by boundaries this

past summer]

- you're going to give me a heart attack/stroke!

- you're taking their side! [when I tried to calm her anxiety and

persecution complexes about various others, including child

protective services, who she was convinced was out to get her because

she had to abide by the same foster parent regulations as everybody

else]

- are you calling me a LIAR? [after she'd just admitted that she'd

lied to me about something and then justified it, and I said I

couldn't trust what she was telling me about something else related]

- if you're an anorectic like that Carpenter, we can't sfford

to send you off to some expensive treatment facility!!! [after I got

upset at 15 because I was a vegetarian and she'd tricked me into

eating a cake made from a mix that contained lard - when I asked if

she'd made it with the mix, she lied and said no, then I found the

empty box about an hour later ... despite my not eating meat, I still

ate everything in sight, including large quantities of junk - I

clearly was not anorexic]

- you just think you're so much better than everybody else (see,

also, you just think you're so perfect, or, I suppose you're perfect)

- you're juct controlling and you're trying to control the whole

situation [after I set boundaries and stuck with them]

- you're threatening me! [after I said that if we came over to visit

and she started saying inappropriate things in front of my five year

old soon-to-be-adoptive daughter, we would leave]

- if you think you're going to raise a perfect child, you're going to

get a mighty big surprise when she gets older [love how she wishes

ill on the little girl she claims to love so much - hoo, boy, I'll

get mine then! ugh.]

- your mother just dumped you off on us all the time so she could

chase after some man [i remember hearing this from age 8]

I know there's more, so there may be a sequel post ... =)

> > >

> > > And now for more sayings! I want to thank everyone so much for

> > replying to my 'top ten

> > > nada sayings' over the holidays. I was glad to see so many

were

> > helped by that thread. As

> > > I continue to be no contact, more memories are continuing to

pop

> > up, and I have realized

> > > there were also a series of terrible, terrible sayings that

were

> > also repeated over and over,

> > > with the guise of 'protecting' me but that really only were

nada

> > projecting her infantile

> > > terror and inability to raise me onto poor grade school

Charlie.

> > >

> > > So here they are, the Top Five nada Terror-Talks:

> > >

> > > 1. You're gonna poke your eye out with those scissors!

> > > (?)

> > >

> > > 2. You're gonna slice your finger off with that knife!

> > > (every time I picked up > a knife)

> >

> > > 3. You're gonna get pneumonia out there!

> > > (every time I went outside in the winter)

> > >

> > > 4. 'Beeeee careful!'

> > > (every time I drove anywhere--implication, you will die in a

car

> > wreck)

> > >

> > > Oh, sorry. I guess there are only four.

> > >

> > > Charlie

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

One recent top five (well one) for me was when my DH (then BF) and I

arrived at her place, he was vomiting and pretty crook so went to lie

down she said to me " well its nothing *I* cooked or the water here

that made him sick " !! I don't actually recall him eating anything at

her place that day!

[Guest guest]

I grew up constantly hearing this phrase:

" I'm going to kill you! "

And:

" If you hurt yourself doing that, don't come crying to me "

and my personal favorite:

" If you dress like that and you get raped, you deserve it "

and she meant every single one of them.

Sad.

>

> And now for more sayings! I want to thank everyone so much for

replying to my 'top ten

> nada sayings' over the holidays. I was glad to see so many were

helped by that thread. As

> I continue to be no contact, more memories are continuing to pop

up, and I have realized

> there were also a series of terrible, terrible sayings that were

also repeated over and over,

> with the guise of 'protecting' me but that really only were nada

projecting her infantile

> terror and inability to raise me onto poor grade school Charlie.

>

> So here they are, the Top Five nada Terror-Talks:

>

> 1. You're gonna poke your eye out with those scissors!

> (?)

>

> 2. You're gonna slice your finger off with that knife!

> (every time I picked up a knife)

>

> 3. You're gonna get pneumonia out there!

> (every time I went outside in the winter)

>

> 4. 'Beeeee careful!'

> (every time I drove anywhere--implication, you will die in a car

wreck)

>

> Oh, sorry. I guess there are only four.

>

> Charlie

>

[Guest guest]

LOL , I live in NYC (a rather lovely part of it too) and nada

is just terrified that if the terrorists don't kill me, the muggers

will! On her annual pilgrimage up here, she pins all her money

into her bra (getting coffee is interesting) and carries a small

purse with a wrist strap on it. The funny thing is, I carry a huge

bag with God knows what rattling around in it and have never been

mugged or lost my bag - and nada lost her small purse with her cell

phone in it. Of course, she tells everyone it was stolen, when in

reality, she left it at a restaurant. The way she was carrying it

around, I really couldn't tell if it was in her hand or not, and

it turns out she left it there.

By next year the story will go " I was mugged for my purse in NYC "

because she does tend to exaggerate....

> > >

> > > And now for more sayings! I want to thank everyone so much for

> > replying to my 'top ten

> > > nada sayings' over the holidays. I was glad to see so many

were

> > helped by that thread. As

> > > I continue to be no contact, more memories are continuing to

pop

> > up, and I have realized

> > > there were also a series of terrible, terrible sayings that

were

> > also repeated over and over,

> > > with the guise of 'protecting' me but that really only were

nada

> > projecting her infantile

> > > terror and inability to raise me onto poor grade school

Charlie.

> > >

> > > So here they are, the Top Five nada Terror-Talks:

> > >

> > > 1. You're gonna poke your eye out with those scissors!

> > > (?)

> > >

> > > 2. You're gonna slice your finger off with that knife!

> > > (every time I picked up > a knife)

> >

> > > 3. You're gonna get pneumonia out there!

> > > (every time I went outside in the winter)

> > >

> > > 4. 'Beeeee careful!'

> > > (every time I drove anywhere--implication, you will die in a

car

> > wreck)

> > >

> > > Oh, sorry. I guess there are only four.

> > >

> > > Charlie

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

" Don't get your hopes up! " (You don't deserve anything good...nothing

good will happen for you.)

Joanna

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Doc "

wrote:

>

> I grew up constantly hearing this phrase:

>

> " I'm going to kill you! "

>

> And:

>

> " If you hurt yourself doing that, don't come crying to me "

>

> and my personal favorite:

>

> " If you dress like that and you get raped, you deserve it "

>

> and she meant every single one of them.

>

> Sad.

>

>

>

> >

> > And now for more sayings! I want to thank everyone so much for

> replying to my 'top ten

> > nada sayings' over the holidays. I was glad to see so many were

> helped by that thread. As

> > I continue to be no contact, more memories are continuing to pop

> up, and I have realized

> > there were also a series of terrible, terrible sayings that were

> also repeated over and over,

> > with the guise of 'protecting' me but that really only were nada

> projecting her infantile

> > terror and inability to raise me onto poor grade school Charlie.

> >

> > So here they are, the Top Five nada Terror-Talks:

> >

> > 1. You're gonna poke your eye out with those scissors!

> > (?)

> >

> > 2. You're gonna slice your finger off with that knife!

> > (every time I picked up a knife)

> >

> > 3. You're gonna get pneumonia out there!

> > (every time I went outside in the winter)

> >

> > 4. 'Beeeee careful!'

> > (every time I drove anywhere--implication, you will die in a car

> wreck)

> >

> > Oh, sorry. I guess there are only four.

> >

> > Charlie

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm beginning to believe that when our nadas make dire predictions and

badger us with horrific, doom-filled warnings, ( " If you live there

you'll be shot in the back " , " If you use that knife you're sure to cut

yourself " , " If you use the sewing machine you'll stitch your fingers

together " , " If you don't listen to me/do what I want, it will be a

disaster " ) they are *not* wishing us well or trying to protect us,

they are actually *wishing that horrible thing to happen to us.*

Its a sort of curse: a very oblique and passive-aggressive one, and

perhaps said because they are furious with us for some reason.

Perhaps Nada feels that we are flaunting her, or ignoring her, or

abandoning her, or competing with her, or disrespecting her, so she

pronounces a hidden curse on us in the guise of " advice. "

Creepy.

-Annie

> >

> > And now for more sayings! I want to thank everyone so much for

> replying to my 'top ten

> > nada sayings' over the holidays. I was glad to see so many were

> helped by that thread. As

> > I continue to be no contact, more memories are continuing to pop

> up, and I have realized

> > there were also a series of terrible, terrible sayings that were

> also repeated over and over,

> > with the guise of 'protecting' me but that really only were nada

> projecting her infantile

> > terror and inability to raise me onto poor grade school Charlie.

> >

> > So here they are, the Top Five nada Terror-Talks:

> >

> > 1. You're gonna poke your eye out with those scissors!

> > (?)

> >

> > 2. You're gonna slice your finger off with that knife!

> > (every time I picked up a knife)

> >

> > 3. You're gonna get pneumonia out there!

> > (every time I went outside in the winter)

> >

> > 4. 'Beeeee careful!'

> > (every time I drove anywhere--implicati on, you will die in a car

> wreck)

> >

> > Oh, sorry. I guess there are only four.

> >

> > Charlie

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" Don't get your hopes up "

" No matter how good you are there is always someone better "

" I'm not your nigger "

(she resented having to do ANYTHING for me and she's racist, obviously)

" You're just like your FATHER "

(said with such disdain)

" What did YOU do? "

(to make someone do something bad to me)

[Guest guest]

Heidi, I hear the same thing from my nada... " If you leave your

windows open someone will break in and hide in your apt. and

rob & rape you " - what's funny is we're on the 20th floor, there's

only 1 door in/out of our apt. (and it's a steel door with 3 locks)

plus we live on the 20th floor - and there are no fire escapes - so

the only one who could get in to " rob & rape " us is Spiderman. She

got really upset when I mentioned Spiderman LOL....

Now it's " if you leave the windows open, the cats will fall to

their deaths " - SHEESH! It's winter! The windows don't open more

than 2 inches anyway because we have the safety feature on!

Hubby & I take bets as to what new " danger " she will discover

about our place on her yearly pilgrimage. Her latest bent is " I

can't believe either one of my daughters hasn't gotten breast

cancer yet " . O-M-G...

> >

> > And now for more sayings! I want to thank everyone so much for

> replying to my 'top ten

> > nada sayings' over the holidays. I was glad to see so many were

> helped by that thread. As

> > I continue to be no contact, more memories are continuing to pop

> up, and I have realized

> > there were also a series of terrible, terrible sayings that were

> also repeated over and over,

> > with the guise of 'protecting' me but that really only were nada

> projecting her infantile

> > terror and inability to raise me onto poor grade school Charlie.

> >

> > So here they are, the Top Five nada Terror-Talks:

> >

> > 1. You're gonna poke your eye out with those scissors!

> > (?)

> >

> > 2. You're gonna slice your finger off with that knife!

> > (every time I picked up a knife)

> >

> > 3. You're gonna get pneumonia out there!

> > (every time I went outside in the winter)

> >

> > 4. 'Beeeee careful!'

> > (every time I drove anywhere--implicati on, you will die in a car

> wreck)

> >

> > Oh, sorry. I guess there are only four.

> >

> > Charlie

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yep, more examples of the hidden curse: our nadas are pissed off at us

and actually wishing that Horrible Event to happen to us. Its their

desire for retribution: we have offended nada and she is wishing the

wrath of God or Karma to descend upon our heads, to avenge her.

Brrr.

-Annie

(PS: I admit that I, in return, told nada once, " You need to be

careful, mom. Little old ladies are being mugged more often now by

desperate criminals. Don't go out alone. " Bad Annie.)

> > >

> > > And now for more sayings! I want to thank everyone so much for

> > replying to my 'top ten

> > > nada sayings' over the holidays. I was glad to see so many were

> > helped by that thread. As

> > > I continue to be no contact, more memories are continuing to pop

> > up, and I have realized

> > > there were also a series of terrible, terrible sayings that were

> > also repeated over and over,

> > > with the guise of 'protecting' me but that really only were nada

> > projecting her infantile

> > > terror and inability to raise me onto poor grade school Charlie.

> > >

> > > So here they are, the Top Five nada Terror-Talks:

> > >

> > > 1. You're gonna poke your eye out with those scissors!

> > > (?)

> > >

> > > 2. You're gonna slice your finger off with that knife!

> > > (every time I picked up a knife)

> > >

> > > 3. You're gonna get pneumonia out there!

> > > (every time I went outside in the winter)

> > >

> > > 4. 'Beeeee careful!'

> > > (every time I drove anywhere--implicati on, you will die in a car

> > wreck)

> > >

> > > Oh, sorry. I guess there are only four.

> > >

> > > Charlie

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hhhm,Deanna,your Top Five sounds like my nada to a T.Except her

variation of Number 3 was " I'm not your slave " (when I needed the

simplest thing and she also totally resented having to do anything for

me)

The " What did YOU do? " or " Well,what were YOU doing " (to provoke

whatever had upset me) is so painful to remember...no matter what it

was,I was always the instigator of my own torment.

One more to add: " You did that ON PURPOSE " when she accused me of

something I didn't understand because I hadn't done/thought/felt any

such thing... " I don't have anything more to say to you,you did that ON

PURPOSE " ... " There's no reason to discuss this because you did it ON

PURPOSE "

How dare you ask me to make sense!

>

> " Don't get your hopes up "

>

> " No matter how good you are there is always someone better "

>

> " I'm not your nigger "

> (she resented having to do ANYTHING for me and she's racist,

obviously)

>

> " You're just like your FATHER "

> (said with such disdain)

>

> " What did YOU do? "

> (to make someone do something bad to me)

>

[Guest guest]

>

>

> What about this one?

>  

> " I know what you're going to do before you even do it "

>  

> Like she's the all knowing omnicient one!

Okay, you hit the nail on the head with this one, and I'd

like to chime in.

When my sweetie was visiting here in March 2008, I asked

her to marry me and she said " yes " (insert a big " Awwww " here),

and then I was faced with the task of telling my nada about it.

I was very anxious about just how to do it, and this is

how it went down. I hooked my digital camera up to nada's

TV set, and began showing her photos we'd taken at one

of Texas finest state parks, a place called Enchanted Rock,

a day or so earlier. This is where I proposed to my sweetie.

I was narrating the photos for my nada, and when I got to

the photo of us that was taken by some people who wandered

over about a minute after I proposed, I said:

" And this photo was taken about a minute after I proposed

to Leanne; she accepted. "

My nada sat in her easy chair and said:

" I know what's going on... "

Not, say: CONGRATULATIONS YOU TWO

or perhaps

GREAT, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU BOTH

nope, instead I got that very odd, quite omnicient comment.

I didn't take her to task via the Ann Landers method, i.e.

" Why would you say something like that? "

instead, my fiance and I made our excuses and got the h*ll

outta there. When we were driving away from nada's condo,

my sweetie told me that my nada's comment was " kinda creepy " .

I looked at her and said:

" Honey, you don't know know half of it. "

This happened at the end of March 2008. By the end of

June, I'd cut all communications with my nada after yet

another abusive meltdown on her part. In that two month time span,

she never once congratulated us on our engagement. That odd,

enigmatic statement was her take on it.

In August 2008, when I got together with my sweetie's mother,

two brothers and one sister-in-law in upstate NY, they toasted us

with champagne over our engagement.

Like night and day, folks.

**EWL**

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Your three were said by my nada also, on countless occasions. If ever

I was in any kind of trouble, it was automatically my fault. And I had

to speak very, very, very carefully to my nada so that she could not

misinterpret what I was saying negatively, that I was complaining

about or disrespecting her in some way. My whole life, people have

remarked to me on how carefully I speak and enunciate words.

Foreigners in particular, when I was in a multinational corporation,

would say how easy I was to understand. Ha! I'd had decades of

training in the " nada school of communication. "

-Annie

> >

> > " Don't get your hopes up "

> >

> > " No matter how good you are there is always someone better "

> >

> > " I'm not your nigger "

> > (she resented having to do ANYTHING for me and she's racist,

> obviously)

> >

> > " You're just like your FATHER "

> > (said with such disdain)

> >

> > " What did YOU do? "

> > (to make someone do something bad to me)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I would like to insert my " Awwww! " here; what a sweet way to propose

to your sweetie, at " Enchanted Rock! " And that was a thoughtful way

to break the news to your nada, who is/was apparently too mentally ill

to respond in a normal way. A mentally healthy parent would have been

charmed.

That's sad, but you were very courageous and adult to realize that

your nada is too dysfunctional and toxic and needs strong boundaries

for the protection of yourself and your wife. Congratulations on your

marriage, and on standing up like an adult and choosing to protect

your bride from your nada's abuses.

-Annie

> >

> >

> > What about this one?

> >  

> > " I know what you're going to do before you even do it "

> >  

> > Like she's the all knowing omnicient one!

>

> Okay, you hit the nail on the head with this one, and I'd

> like to chime in.

>

> When my sweetie was visiting here in March 2008, I asked

> her to marry me and she said " yes " (insert a big " Awwww " here),

> and then I was faced with the task of telling my nada about it.

> I was very anxious about just how to do it, and this is

> how it went down. I hooked my digital camera up to nada's

> TV set, and began showing her photos we'd taken at one

> of Texas finest state parks, a place called Enchanted Rock,

> a day or so earlier. This is where I proposed to my sweetie.

> I was narrating the photos for my nada, and when I got to

> the photo of us that was taken by some people who wandered

> over about a minute after I proposed, I said:

>

> " And this photo was taken about a minute after I proposed

> to Leanne; she accepted. "

>

> My nada sat in her easy chair and said:

>

> " I know what's going on... "

>

> Not, say: CONGRATULATIONS YOU TWO

>

> or perhaps

>

> GREAT, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU BOTH

>

> nope, instead I got that very odd, quite omnicient comment.

>

> I didn't take her to task via the Ann Landers method, i.e.

>

> " Why would you say something like that? "

>

> instead, my fiance and I made our excuses and got the h*ll

> outta there. When we were driving away from nada's condo,

> my sweetie told me that my nada's comment was " kinda creepy " .

> I looked at her and said:

>

> " Honey, you don't know know half of it. "

>

> This happened at the end of March 2008. By the end of

> June, I'd cut all communications with my nada after yet

> another abusive meltdown on her part. In that two month time span,

> she never once congratulated us on our engagement. That odd,

> enigmatic statement was her take on it.

>

> In August 2008, when I got together with my sweetie's mother,

> two brothers and one sister-in-law in upstate NY, they toasted us

> with champagne over our engagement.

>

> Like night and day, folks.

>

> **EWL**

>

[Guest guest]

On this subject, I grew up with nada constantly worried if my dad

was 10 minutes late that he'd been killed in an accident, or later

(when I was a teen) it was " he must be late because he's out with

another woman " (turned out to be true by the way) and it has

definitely rubbed off on me. She did the same with her mother

( " Ma didn't call at 9am on Saturday, something must've happened

to her " and then when she'd call at 10am, nada would be very angry

or would cry hysterically in relief). Also with me and my sister -

if we were more than a few minutes late she'd cry and she just knew

we were dead or kidnapped or something, but when we came in with

a perfectly reasonable explanation she'd go off the handle at us.

She's still like this. When I went LC with her she would become

completely hysterical if I didn't return her calls. I'd get the

worst voice mails with her sobbing " PLEEEEAAASE call me back, I

have to know if you're alright or if something horrible has

happened to you " . I finally had to tell her that if something did

happen to me, that her contact info is on all my emergency forms

and she would get a call. But if I don't return her calls, that

means I've got things going on that are taking precedence, and not

to worry about me. Well, of course you can only imagine the tantrum.

She didn't call for 2 weeks (WONDERFUL! HA!) and eventually learned

I wasn't automatically dead if she didn't get calls from me every

week.

But here's the terrible part. If I can't reach my husband when I

know he's supposed to be at work, or he doesn't return my call right

away, I get this horrible sick feeling like oh God, something

horrible happened, he was crossing 42nd St. and got run over by

a cab, he fell down the elevator shaft, etc. etc., horrible thoughts,

and the fear that the last time I saw him will actually be the last

time I ever see him. I believe I lived/grew up in this atmosphere

for so long that it kind of rubbed off on me. I'm much better than

I used to be, but I do tend to worry a bit more than the average

person.

Anyone else go through this?

>

>

> Subject: Re: Another Top Five

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Tuesday, January 13, 2009, 8:54 PM

>

>

>

>

>

>

> I'm beginning to believe that when our nadas make dire predictions

and

> badger us with horrific, doom-filled warnings, ( " If you live there

> you'll be shot in the back " , " If you use that knife you're sure to

cut

> yourself " , " If you use the sewing machine you'll stitch your fingers

> together " , " If you don't listen to me/do what I want, it will be a

> disaster " ) they are *not* wishing us well or trying to protect us,

> they are actually *wishing that horrible thing to happen to us.*

>

> Its a sort of curse: a very oblique and passive-aggressive one, and

> perhaps said because they are furious with us for some reason.

>

> Perhaps Nada feels that we are flaunting her, or ignoring her, or

> abandoning her, or competing with her, or disrespecting her, so she

> pronounces a hidden curse on us in the guise of " advice. "

>

> Creepy.

>

> -Annie

[Guest guest]

OMG OMG OMG...I thought my nada was the only one who ever said

that particular phrase (the first one)....SICKENING!

"

>

> " I'm not your nigger "

> (she resented having to do ANYTHING for me and she's racist,

obviously)

>

> " You're just like your FATHER "

> (said with such disdain)

[Guest guest]

When the Holloway disappearance happened in Aruba, I

actually overheard nada say to a friend on the phone " Yes, when

used to take trips to Hawaii and the Cayman Islands when

she worked for the airlines when she was in her 20's, I just knew

what happened to Holloway would happen to her....she was

so irresponsible to go by herself! "

Nada has no idea I didn't go alone...hmmm...

> > > >

> > > > And now for more sayings! I want to thank everyone so much

for

> > > replying to my 'top ten

> > > > nada sayings' over the holidays. I was glad to see so many

were

> > > helped by that thread. As

> > > > I continue to be no contact, more memories are continuing to

pop

> > > up, and I have realized

> > > > there were also a series of terrible, terrible sayings that

were

> > > also repeated over and over,

> > > > with the guise of 'protecting' me but that really only were

nada

> > > projecting her infantile

> > > > terror and inability to raise me onto poor grade school

Charlie.

> > > >

> > > > So here they are, the Top Five nada Terror-Talks:

> > > >

> > > > 1. You're gonna poke your eye out with those scissors!

> > > > (?)

> > > >

> > > > 2. You're gonna slice your finger off with that knife!

> > > > (every time I picked up a knife)

> > > >

> > > > 3. You're gonna get pneumonia out there!

> > > > (every time I went outside in the winter)

> > > >

> > > > 4. 'Beeeee careful!'

> > > > (every time I drove anywhere--implicati on, you will die in a

car

> > > wreck)

> > > >

> > > > Oh, sorry. I guess there are only four.

> > > >

> > > > Charlie

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

EWL, you were blessed to have one set of parents congratulating

you. My father laughed in my face and said " No, you're kidding,

you'll never be able to hack it " (this from the man who has been

married 4 times and always has several women on the side) and

when we told nada, her eyes filled with tears and she said " Are

you going to live here or in NYC? "

DH's parents passed away when he was a teenager. His sister is a

BP and was in the midst of a 12 year NC with him while living in

the same building (6 floors below).

Needless to say, we got married by ourselves. But we had it at

a beautiful B & B in Hot Springs AR, a beautiful cake, video,

pictures, in a gazebo in the garden on a cool fall day...and

we treasured every minute of it. It was beautiful because it was

OUR day. Not nadas or fadas, no family drama...just us and the

minister and the lady that ran the B & B and she took our wedding

photos as well. Plus their cats! I'm a huge cat person so that

was definitely a bonus.

Do you know what a joy it is to finally be able to look at photos

and have only happy memories, not " oh that was the day that nada

did such-and-such " or " that was the wedding where nada pulled

that stunt " etc. etc. I only have happy memories when I look at

my wedding photos.

I hope you and your bride to be (congratulations by the way!) will

have only happy memories of your special day. Because it's all

about the two of you...and no one else!

> >

> >

> > What about this one?

> >  

> > " I know what you're going to do before you even do it "

> >  

> > Like she's the all knowing omnicient one!

>

> Okay, you hit the nail on the head with this one, and I'd

> like to chime in.

>

> When my sweetie was visiting here in March 2008, I asked

> her to marry me and she said " yes " (insert a big " Awwww " here),

> and then I was faced with the task of telling my nada about it.

> I was very anxious about just how to do it, and this is

> how it went down. I hooked my digital camera up to nada's

> TV set, and began showing her photos we'd taken at one

> of Texas finest state parks, a place called Enchanted Rock,

> a day or so earlier. This is where I proposed to my sweetie.

> I was narrating the photos for my nada, and when I got to

> the photo of us that was taken by some people who wandered

> over about a minute after I proposed, I said:

>

> " And this photo was taken about a minute after I proposed

> to Leanne; she accepted. "

>

> My nada sat in her easy chair and said:

>

> " I know what's going on... "

>

> Not, say: CONGRATULATIONS YOU TWO

>

> or perhaps

>

> GREAT, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU BOTH

>

> nope, instead I got that very odd, quite omnicient comment.

>

> I didn't take her to task via the Ann Landers method, i.e.

>

> " Why would you say something like that? "

>

> instead, my fiance and I made our excuses and got the h*ll

> outta there. When we were driving away from nada's condo,

> my sweetie told me that my nada's comment was " kinda creepy " .

> I looked at her and said:

>

> " Honey, you don't know know half of it. "

>

> This happened at the end of March 2008. By the end of

> June, I'd cut all communications with my nada after yet

> another abusive meltdown on her part. In that two month time span,

> she never once congratulated us on our engagement. That odd,

> enigmatic statement was her take on it.

>

> In August 2008, when I got together with my sweetie's mother,

> two brothers and one sister-in-law in upstate NY, they toasted us

> with champagne over our engagement.

>

> Like night and day, folks.

>

> **EWL**

>

[Guest guest]

I had a similar theme to a couple of people's above:

When my flatmate or I left the curtains in our flat open at night - " Do

you want to be raped? "

To do this day, I'm not sure whether she was giving me good advice in

reality, or over-the-top.

[Guest guest]

and everyone,

Wow! We seem to have discovered another theme-cluster of nada actions here--

promoting unmitigated terror at normal life events. I just wanted to say this

was a major

theme for me, too. Yes, , every time my father was late and not in

touch, nada

would think he had been in an accident as well--and express it with terror, and

project it

onto us children. It was less a fear that he was actually dead though--it was

that he

wasn't responded to her communications when she wanted (lack of control), and it

was

that she feared he was gone forever and 'rejecting' her (a central bpd trait).

She wasn't

actually scared he was dead, that's just the way she was expressing it. But

that's the

message I got, and not being bpd, I *was* actually scared--again, and again, and

again.

This also came up with food issues. My father was overweight and diabetic and

insisted

on eating whatever he wanted. Every bite he took that nada did not sanction, I

was

terrified he would die. Truly terrified. It took me years to realize nada's

problem was that

she had not sanctioned the eating--if she willed him to eat something that could

be

lethal, that was fine with her.

To those who posted about nada's terror of other people seeing through the

windows--

totally! My nada never ever EVER had her curtains open. She insisted on not

putting a

christmas tree up where anyone would see it. She would say all the time 'I

don't want

people looking in my house'. She told us that she never opened windows because

when

she was young she had been told rats would come in through them. So, we never

opened

windows either--and when I later moved to cultures where windows were left open

at, it

always scared me a bit, every time.

She told us the house would catch fire and I was terrified to go to sleep,

because I was

afraid the house would burn down during the night and burn me up.

And yes, she insisted that if I went anywhere alone at night, I would get raped.

I still fight

that fear every time--especially when I'm in a walking city. And she insisted

every time I

drove, anywhere, I would die in a car wreck.

I learned recently that parents are supposed to teach their children to manage

their

emotions, and to have proportionate emotional reactions to the situation. Not

only did my

nada fail to teach this--she instead attempted to exascerbate and exploit my

child-level

emotions. She projected her own terror onto me--so she wouldn't have to feel

it. I

disagree Annie that she actually sought to inflict harm--she sought only to

soothe her

own; and wilfully refused to see that it was harming us. It is still a need to

harm but unlike

npd's it is not with intent to destroy the other, but instead with intent to

soothe herself.

Anyway thanks everyone for all the antecdotes, and helping me to discover and

recast this

theme!

Charlie

> >

> > From: anuria67854 <anuria-67854@>

> > Subject: Re: Another Top Five

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Date: Tuesday, January 13, 2009, 8:54 PM

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > I'm beginning to believe that when our nadas make dire predictions

> and

> > badger us with horrific, doom-filled warnings, ( " If you live there

> > you'll be shot in the back " , " If you use that knife you're sure to

> cut

> > yourself " , " If you use the sewing machine you'll stitch your fingers

> > together " , " If you don't listen to me/do what I want, it will be a

> > disaster " ) they are *not* wishing us well or trying to protect us,

> > they are actually *wishing that horrible thing to happen to us.*

> >

> > Its a sort of curse: a very oblique and passive-aggressive one, and

> > perhaps said because they are furious with us for some reason.

> >

> > Perhaps Nada feels that we are flaunting her, or ignoring her, or

> > abandoning her, or competing with her, or disrespecting her, so she

> > pronounces a hidden curse on us in the guise of " advice. "

> >

> > Creepy.

> >

> > -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Charlie, I agree totally with what you said - it's not that nada

wishes the harm on me, it's that she's projecting it onto someone

to deflect it from herself. It's completely sick. I've gotten to

the place where I feel pity for her, as in " how sad that someone

can't express her feelings any better " not " I wish she was better " .

I was told by my former therapist that a lot of KO's don't really

have a good internal barometer for danger. They either overreact

or underreact because they never had a good example of normal

fear while they were growing up. For instance, my mother was always

worried my sister or I would catch cold and die if we went outside

in the winter when our hair was wet, but she had absolutely no

qualms letting my drunk father drive us on long winding mountain

roads. It's that kind of stuff, the extreme dangers we were exposed

to because nada exposed us to it, that I'm convinced caused me to

have panic attacks as an adult. I began to realize the kind of

danger I had been put in by my MOTHER - the person who is supposed

to protect you from danger - and it rocked my world. Therapy was

a huge help in dealing with what I went through in growing up.

> > >

> > > From: anuria67854 <anuria-67854@>

> > > Subject: Re: Another Top Five

> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > > Date: Tuesday, January 13, 2009, 8:54 PM

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > I'm beginning to believe that when our nadas make dire

predictions

> > and

> > > badger us with horrific, doom-filled warnings, ( " If you live

there

> > > you'll be shot in the back " , " If you use that knife you're sure

to

> > cut

> > > yourself " , " If you use the sewing machine you'll stitch your

fingers

> > > together " , " If you don't listen to me/do what I want, it will

be a

> > > disaster " ) they are *not* wishing us well or trying to protect

us,

> > > they are actually *wishing that horrible thing to happen to us.*

> > >

> > > Its a sort of curse: a very oblique and passive-aggressive one,

and

> > > perhaps said because they are furious with us for some reason.

> > >

> > > Perhaps Nada feels that we are flaunting her, or ignoring her,

or

> > > abandoning her, or competing with her, or disrespecting her, so

she

> > > pronounces a hidden curse on us in the guise of " advice. "

> > >

> > > Creepy.

> > >

> > > -Annie

> >

>