Re: Attracting bpd or npd women in my life?

[Guest guest]

I'm so glad you posted this thread. I am really struggling with this issue

right now. I am in the process of realizing that so many of my " friends "

have very similar traits to nada. I am feeling very alone while in the

process of distancing myself from those destructive/codependent

relationships. I am feeling isolated and alienated. I recognize that many

of these women have been stand-ins for nada as I work through stuff. I

didn't consciously pick them for that reason. Now that I am aware of the

common thread, I don't trust my own judgement anymore. I feel like becoming

a hermit so that I don't make anymore destructive choices about who to

trust.

On Sun, Jan 11, 2009 at 6:04 AM, angeandsimon wrote:

> does anyone seem to have a trend like I do in attracting female

> friends or substitute mums that appear to have bpd or npd traits?

> i reflect upon my past relationships with some very strong women in my

> life who were good friends (and I stress 'were') and it seems they all

> have very similar traits i.e. either emotionally unavailable or

> emotionally draining etc....

>

> i cant help but think maybe its just me and that i trusted too easily

> and let my 'guard' down to let these women in my life and destroy me

> emotionally?

>

> right now its my SIL whos the npd and possibly possesses some bpd

> traits, but I can't do much about that one as I'm married into the

> family, and she's always here. we live in the same house as my

> parents-in-law and SIL is often here staying over or at family

> dinners. the family and local culture here is quite traditional so i

> can't put too much of what I've previously learned in past

> relationships into practice with her. and we can't find anywhere else

> to live as we are poor :-(

>

> just wondering what everyone else experiences are in this area?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

my mom had this habit. she would expose us kids to these older women

who would insult her, then she'd take her frustration out on me.

totally insane. i was really pissed off by this crap, realizing that

mom was looking for someone to treat her badly because that was what

she was used to, and vowed never to let it happen to me. i did that

by only really trusting guys. only in the last 5 years have i been

able to make female friends. interestingly enough, all my friends

(and most of my guy friends) have absolutely insane mothers.

bink

>

> does anyone seem to have a trend like I do in attracting female

> friends or substitute mums that appear to have bpd or npd traits?

> i reflect upon my past relationships with some very strong women in my

> life who were good friends (and I stress 'were') and it seems they all

> have very similar traits i.e. either emotionally unavailable or

> emotionally draining etc....

>

> i cant help but think maybe its just me and that i trusted too easily

> and let my 'guard' down to let these women in my life and destroy me

> emotionally?

>

> right now its my SIL whos the npd and possibly possesses some bpd

> traits, but I can't do much about that one as I'm married into the

> family, and she's always here. we live in the same house as my

> parents-in-law and SIL is often here staying over or at family

> dinners. the family and local culture here is quite traditional so i

> can't put too much of what I've previously learned in past

> relationships into practice with her. and we can't find anywhere else

> to live as we are poor :-(

>

> just wondering what everyone else experiences are in this area?

>

[Guest guest]

I would think that's extremely possible. There is talk about people

picking partners that resemble their parents, but picking friends

that do too makes a lot of sense.

Randi Kreger

Randi @BPDCentral.com

Author, The Essential Family Guide to BPD

Coauthor, Stop Walking on Eggshells (SWOE)

>

> does anyone seem to have a trend like I do in attracting female

> friends or substitute mums that appear to have bpd or npd traits?

> i reflect upon my past relationships with some very strong women in

my

> life who were good friends (and I stress 'were') and it seems they

all

> have very similar traits i.e. either emotionally unavailable or

> emotionally draining etc....

>

> i cant help but think maybe its just me and that i trusted too

easily

> and let my 'guard' down to let these women in my life and destroy me

> emotionally?

>

> right now its my SIL whos the npd and possibly possesses some bpd

> traits, but I can't do much about that one as I'm married into the

> family, and she's always here. we live in the same house as my

> parents-in-law and SIL is often here staying over or at family

> dinners. the family and local culture here is quite traditional so i

> can't put too much of what I've previously learned in past

> relationships into practice with her. and we can't find anywhere

else

> to live as we are poor :-(

>

> just wondering what everyone else experiences are in this area?

>

[Guest guest]

Randi,

Being married to a narcissist and having a bp mother- and yes I

have one friend that can resemble my mother- hearing your words of

validation in this response means so very much to me.

Though I remain in therapy- this board and the board from Oz-

have truly changed my life.

I just finished reading -Surviving the Borderline Parent-

actually just last night. I felt like thanks to this board and of

course your valuable books and information I am dealing with my bp

mother in such a more healthier way. It is not easy understanding a

bp parent- but I no longer feel alone, or so overwhelmed and or the

bottom line in all of this for me- crazy.

I am starting to trust myself- and my feeligs, and without a doubt

these boards have given me such compassion and validation- so I

could take the journey to trust and love myself. I so want to say

again- but I think it really is for the first time in my life I am

loving and trusting me.

So many thanks and much gratitude for this place of hope!

Malinda

Ps- woman to woman- good luck tomorrow with the mammogram

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " bpdcentral "

wrote:

>

> I would think that's extremely possible. There is talk about

people

> picking partners that resemble their parents, but picking friends

> that do too makes a lot of sense.

>

> Randi Kreger

> Randi @BPDCentral.com

> Author, The Essential Family Guide to BPD

> Coauthor, Stop Walking on Eggshells (SWOE)

>

>

>

> >

> > does anyone seem to have a trend like I do in attracting female

> > friends or substitute mums that appear to have bpd or npd traits?

> > i reflect upon my past relationships with some very strong women

in

> my

> > life who were good friends (and I stress 'were') and it seems

they

> all

> > have very similar traits i.e. either emotionally unavailable or

> > emotionally draining etc....

> >

> > i cant help but think maybe its just me and that i trusted too

> easily

> > and let my 'guard' down to let these women in my life and

destroy me

> > emotionally?

> >

> > right now its my SIL whos the npd and possibly possesses some bpd

> > traits, but I can't do much about that one as I'm married into

the

> > family, and she's always here. we live in the same house as my

> > parents-in-law and SIL is often here staying over or at family

> > dinners. the family and local culture here is quite traditional

so i

> > can't put too much of what I've previously learned in past

> > relationships into practice with her. and we can't find anywhere

> else

> > to live as we are poor :-(

> >

> > just wondering what everyone else experiences are in this area?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, I can relate to your noticing that you seem to attract bpds or

npds into your life. Me too, at least, I used to. I think its

because, for whatever reason, human beings tend to gravitate toward

the " familiar. " Behaviors that you are used to, familiar with, seem

safer than behaviors that you are not used to. This would seem to be

counter-intuitive or anti-survival and illogical when the familiar

behaviors are abusive, but it does happen anyway.

Or, looking at it another way, the formative years of our lives were

spent in the care of an abusive person, so we were trained/brainwashed

to equate caring with abuse.

At least we are able to recognize those with abusive behaviors more

easily, now, and not encourage close contact with them.

-Annie

>

> does anyone seem to have a trend like I do in attracting female

> friends or substitute mums that appear to have bpd or npd traits?

> i reflect upon my past relationships with some very strong women in my

> life who were good friends (and I stress 'were') and it seems they all

> have very similar traits i.e. either emotionally unavailable or

> emotionally draining etc....

>

> i cant help but think maybe its just me and that i trusted too easily

> and let my 'guard' down to let these women in my life and destroy me

> emotionally?

>

> right now its my SIL whos the npd and possibly possesses some bpd

> traits, but I can't do much about that one as I'm married into the

> family, and she's always here. we live in the same house as my

> parents-in-law and SIL is often here staying over or at family

> dinners. the family and local culture here is quite traditional so i

> can't put too much of what I've previously learned in past

> relationships into practice with her. and we can't find anywhere else

> to live as we are poor :-(

>

> just wondering what everyone else experiences are in this area?

>

[Guest guest]

I used to have this problem, when I was younger, but as I've gotten

older (43), it no longer seems to be the case. I remember in my 20's

especially, women friends would try to be demanding and overpowering,

telling me how to dress and wear my hair and make-up. As I got

older, I seem to be better able to pick up on them and not get

involved. Especially in work situations, I am very quiet and

detached at first, and sit back and watch everyone before getting

very involved. I've had a lot of therapy, but I'm not really sure

what helped with this. I do have one NPD friend, who is my oldest

friend from childhood, and I've really struggled with how to handle

her, as she makes demands and is difficult, and knows how to punch my

buttons. When I recently went to Indiana for Xmas to visit other

friends, I worried about how she would handle this, b/c I would only

be able to manage a one day visit with her. I found that being in

pain (from a herniated disc), a recent problem, really helped me to

be firm with her from the get-go. I explained in advance the limits

of this visit, and she was fine with it. I think I'm getting better

at setting limits.

Joanna

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " angeandsimon "

wrote:

>

> does anyone seem to have a trend like I do in attracting female

> friends or substitute mums that appear to have bpd or npd traits?

> i reflect upon my past relationships with some very strong women in

my

> life who were good friends (and I stress 'were') and it seems they

all

> have very similar traits i.e. either emotionally unavailable or

> emotionally draining etc....

>

> i cant help but think maybe its just me and that i trusted too

easily

> and let my 'guard' down to let these women in my life and destroy me

> emotionally?

>

> right now its my SIL whos the npd and possibly possesses some bpd

> traits, but I can't do much about that one as I'm married into the

> family, and she's always here. we live in the same house as my

> parents-in-law and SIL is often here staying over or at family

> dinners. the family and local culture here is quite traditional so i

> can't put too much of what I've previously learned in past

> relationships into practice with her. and we can't find anywhere

else

> to live as we are poor :-(

>

> just wondering what everyone else experiences are in this area?

>