Re: an OT look at marriage.

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/1/02 7:44:05 AM Pacific Standard Time, Jacquie writes:

> How do people manage to stay together through all of these changes? These

> curves life throws at you, the things that change you so deep down to your

> core?

>

>

We have been married for 20 years on the 23rd of this month.

I didn't love him the same way then, not even close.

In fact, I would say I didn't love him at all.

In the beginning, I was crazy, I tried everything I knew to

get rid of him so I could say " I told you so! "

My mother told me to marry him, she said he was a one

of a kind. I listened, she was right.

Why does he stay married to me? A strong emotional bond

is what men have, I don't think we women understand it.

It was like yesterday when you asked why men need someone

to go with them, Jacquie, and Jim said he didn't know why.

He is the same way. He won't go anywhere without me.

Every Sunday now, he asks if I will come to church with him.

Strange. I was the one raised in the church and he is the one

who likes to go. I like to sleep.

They get this emotional bond, that is unspoken.

He is loyal to the end. I don't even have that loyalty to him.

Twenty years, I remember going to the Rose Parade with

him just before we were engaged 21 years ago. Have

never gone since, hated it, better on TV.

We fight much less than we ever did, I have mellowed

realizing it isn't worth it. When I saw how much it upset

Aislynn when she was little, I stopped and realized control

is ridiculous. I have grown more patient, too, thanks to Aislynn.

Every year gets better and better when you accept that

he isn't going anywhere without you, Jacquie. Let him

love you just because, and make your life full.

Barb

[Guest guest]

Barb:

Jim sounds like a treasure; how wise you were, however little you knew it,

to marry him.

More fuel for my theory that we should return to arranged marriages.

Salli

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/1/02 4:38:22 PM Pacific Standard Time, Salli writes:

> More fuel for my theory that we should return to arranged marriages.

>

>

Maybe.

Yesterday he ran into a woman he hadn't see in many years.

She was throwing herself at him back when I was starting to

date him, by placing suggestive materials in his car, (she

lived next door). Mom told me to not allow that one to

move in on him, to stop turning him down.

So here she was. She had a black eye, she looked awful.

She has a past of drug abuse and well, lets just say she

wasn't a nice girl. I, of course as all women do, had to dig.

" So, are you glad you didn't get involved with her? " I asked.

Why do women do that? Of course he's happy with me,

we've been married 20 years, what am I afraid of?

While he talked to her in the store yesterday, I merely stood

there and smiled at her cutie of a daughter, and she showed

no recognition of me as I completely didn't know who she was.

No, he didn't introduce us, I guess he ass-umed I knew her.

I don't really feel any jealousy when I see him talking to any

women, even if I see their interest. He just wouldn't go there.

When women stop being possessive in this country, then you

can have arranged marriages.

Barb

[Guest guest]

>

> When women stop being possessive in this country, then you

> can have arranged marriages.

Barb:

I feel sleepy and stupid; not sure I see the connection?

Salli

[Guest guest]

Maybe she means that a woman would be insecure not knowing for sure if the man

(in an arranged marriage) would have chosen her over someone else. In arranged

marriages as you know, mates are chosen for each other, there for a woman who

was chosen for a man may not be secure in knowing that the husband truly loves

her. Make any sense at all. I think I know what she is trying to say but she

may be better at it than I am expressing it.

CHRIS

Re: an OT look at marriage.

>

> When women stop being possessive in this country, then you

> can have arranged marriages.

Barb:

I feel sleepy and stupid; not sure I see the connection?

Salli

[Guest guest]

> Maybe she means that a woman would be insecure not knowing for sure if the

man (in an arranged marriage) would have chosen her over someone else. In

arranged marriages as you know, mates are chosen for each other, there for a

woman who was chosen for a man may not be secure in knowing that the husband

truly loves her. Make any sense at all. I think I know what she is trying

to say but she may be better at it than I am expressing it.

Ah, now that makes sense. But, at risk of sounding cynical, perhaps the

woman would care less in an arranged marriage.

Salli

[Guest guest]

perhaps. When I was a child, my parents had friends who hailed from India,

Where they practiced arranged marriages. They said that in their opinion,

arranged marriages in general, were stronger than the marriages they observed

here (in the US) because when the marriage is arranged,they felt, the couples

would work harder to make it work. Who am I to judge? I feel that love, true

love can be found in many ways. Not that it is easy to find...

CHRIS

Re: an OT look at marriage.

> Maybe she means that a woman would be insecure not knowing for sure if the

man (in an arranged marriage) would have chosen her over someone else. In

arranged marriages as you know, mates are chosen for each other, there for a

woman who was chosen for a man may not be secure in knowing that the husband

truly loves her. Make any sense at all. I think I know what she is trying

to say but she may be better at it than I am expressing it.

Ah, now that makes sense. But, at risk of sounding cynical, perhaps the

woman would care less in an arranged marriage.

Salli

[Guest guest]

> perhaps. When I was a child, my parents had friends who hailed from

India, Where they practiced arranged marriages. They said that in their

opinion, arranged marriages in general, were stronger than the marriages

they observed here (in the US) because when the marriage is arranged,they

felt, the couples would work harder to make it work. Who am I to judge? I

feel that love, true love can be found in many ways. Not that it is easy

to find...

My thinking did come from the Indian practice and the Indian couples that I

have known. Being in love with someone is not always the best basis on

which to make a lifelong decision, unfortunately. My parents have been

married for 60 years and, before my father's descent into Alzheimer's, were

blissfully happy, a perfect advertisement for love-matches.

But none of their children have failed to divorce except for me and I am

well on my way to divorce. Now two of the second marriages in the family

have been very stable, but still...

Salli