Rought Time - Going Nuts - VENT LONG

[Guest guest]

Have any of you had a rough time, emotionally, without having a clue as to

why?

It's not my girls. They are just great.

It's me. I can't stand this. Any of it. And it's been going on for two

days now..... most of yesterday and all of today. I am frightened of

tomorrow.

Nothing different, just me. And I'm not PMS-ing.

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like I have a short circuit in my

head, and I boil over. It's small stupid stuff that totally makes me

explode. For instance, I just washed the slipcover 2 days ago, and put it

back on the sofa. Madison's diaper leaked on it today. My reaction is pure

anger.... over why, of all places, she had to sit there. Why can't anyone

leave my stuff alone? Why does she always pick that ONE thing that I try to

do, and mess it up? EVERYONE - go away, shoooooooooo, leave me ALONE!!!!

I " m cussing while putting it in the wash, and Shaun is just watching me.

Even THAT pissed me off.

Later, both kids won't eat. It makes sense, their noses are stuffed. I

wouldn't be hungry either, but they can't tell me they aren't hungry, and

being mom, I'm obligated to feed them food. So I cooked. Am I

understanding about their refusal to eat? NO. Not one damn bit.

Sydney plays by herself in her room. Other days, I just watch her and

wonder. Today, I'm staring her down wondering why she has to be so

$@ & #@% & & #%^@$%@ antisocial. Stop that humming. Stop playing with the same

doll. Put that block down, you will break your teeth. STOP MOVING, let me

wipe your NOSE. Damn it, can you not do ANYTHING yourself????

Then, several times, Madison climbed into the fireplace to play with soot.

OK, well kids do this. It's fun, if you think about it, to become all

black. And it's not so long ago that she would have shuddered at the notion

of becoming dirty. But she is in the fireplace, so I give her a bath. 10

minutes after the bath, I find her in the damn fireplace again. I blow a

fuse in my head and make Shaun give her another bath. Then she did it

again, and I literally picked her up out of the fireplace, took her to the

bathroom, made her get into an empty bathtub and told Shaun to do it again,

crying and screaming by this point. I go outside, smoke a cigarette, and am

bawling over my hand, which is blackened by the nasty fireplace stuff that

obviously rubbed off of Madison onto me.

Then that escalates into a full blown emotional meltdown.... consisting

of - - I never intended to live like this. Why am I exploding over this at

my own daughter? Oh, what she must feel like.... what is wrong with me?

How terrible for her to have such a mom, how terrible for me to have such a

daughter... how awful everything is..... and so forth. This wasn't supposed

to be what my life is like. I was doing so well, what is happening to

me.... why does my life have to be like this, I don't understand.... etc

etc.

Then I sleep. Sometimes for 10 minutes, sometimes for an hour. Last night,

I slept from 9 PM to 9 AM this morning. Shaun handled the girls himself, I

could have cared less and just slept.

And then I seem okay -- until the next thing triggers another

inappropriate, exaggerated, and similar reaction from me.

I mean, for heaven's sake, they are sick and being so good about it. What

the hell is my problem???? It's embarrasing to even write this out because

all of it is so crazy. I would be seriously worried about my mental health

right now if I didn't realize, during every second of my meltdowns, that I

was acting strangely.... that how I was reacting to this situation was

irrational and wicked. Evil. And plain wrong. It's like I am being

possessed, and I am fully aware of it while it's happening. And it's like

life will not give my heart a chance to heal. It keeps on throwing daggers

at me, and piles on more things I need to feel guilty about, more things I

need to regret, and more things that need to break my heart all over again.

Shaun thinks that having the girls home for these extra days has worn me

out. I WANTED to keep them home. I had a wonderful time keeping them at

home. I thought I did anyhow.... but sometime during mid-day yesterday, it

just changed, and I simply cannot understand what happened.

Somebody tell me this passes!!!! Somebody tell me you have behaved this way

without knowing why, without having a specific reason....

I know I sound like a horrible mom. Part of me doesn't even want to send

this, but you just have to believe that I am usually not like this. I'm not

a terrific mom, but I am nowhere near this horrible either. Not usually,

anyhow.

Grace

Mom to twin girls Sydney and Madison

Born 3/28/98

Wife to Shaun 1/11/97

Reply to: gracekeh@...

_________________________________________________________