Interesting article on aspie husbands.

[Guest guest]

I thought this article might be of interest to some of you.

Sue

The Times Christmas Appeal

Despair of loving an Asperger's husband

BY HELEN RUMBELOW

CHRISTMAS is a notorious flashpoint for marital arguments, when women complain

that their men do not understand their feelings and men claim that they do not

know what all the fuss is about. By Boxing Day most rows are forgotten. But for

the thousands of British women married to men with autism this state of tension

is an extreme and lifelong problem leading to loneliness and despair. One in 250

people has Asperger's syndrome, a type of autism that affects people of normal

to very high intelligence. It affects about ten times as many men as women.

Although the stereotype of autism is of isolated loners, many people with

Asperger's get married without realising that they have the condition. They

often have so little concept of emotions that they do not realise that their

partner is sad, even if they are sobbing, and then ignore it because they have

no idea how to offer comfort. About half such marriages have no sexual contact

because the Asperger's partner finds physical affection unnatural and many can

cope with their fears about the world only by being verbally and sometimes

physically abusive. The emotional intimacy of a relationship, for many the

reason that they married, is barely there. Some women feel as if they are going

mad. The National Autistic Society desperately needs money to offer diagnosis

and support to couples affected by Asperger's and to transform the lives of

their children. One of the biggest problems for those new to the condition is to

understand how it differs from " typical bloke " behaviour involving selfishness

or egotism, according to Maxine Aston, the only Relate counsellor specialising

in Asperger's. " The male chauvinist, or man behaving badly, has a choice: he can

sit down and empathise with his wife, and he doesn't have to go to the football

match. If he has been inconsiderate he has the capacity to recognise it and show

remorse, " she said. " A person with Asperger's doesn't have a choice. It's not

that they won't empathise - they can't. " Ms Aston was once married to a man with

Asperger's, with whom she had three children. " The Asperger's caused a complete

breakdown of communication which prevented us from sorting out the problems we

had, " she said. " But my husband was not diagnosed until the divorce. Awareness

is crucial. " A first step in diagnosis is getting a Partner's Pack from the

National Autistic Society, she said. " It is the sense of loneliness which is the

worst. " Kruft Welton, 31, had been in a relationship with her husband,

Nick, 41, for five years before they realised what was wrong. " Right from the

first I knew he was a bit eccentric. He was the stereotype of an absent-minded

professor, incredibly intelligent, but very absent-minded and lacking life

skills, " she said. When his awkwardness became difficult, a GP referred him to a

specialist who made the diagnosis. " If we hadn't had the diagnosis our marriage

would have broken up, " she said. " Before, if I was crying he would have sat on

the other side of the room and just looked at me, and I'd think: 'How can you

pretend to love me and be so cruel?' " Now I've taught him that if I'm obviously

upset he should hug me, although if I'm looking just a bit down he may or may

not notice. " He is a very loving man, but he found it hard to show it. Now he

works incredibly hard at making me happy. "