Re: Long, sorryFw: Sh*tty Day PLUS - - TO LISA

[Guest guest]

Grace:

Yes, take some credit, it did help a little.

It is basically things in general then plus some. Yesterday, the 13th was 16

years since my dad died. He was everything to me in my life. He died 6

weeks before I was due to give birth to his first grandchild. I think of him

all of the time, but around Dec. 13 it gets worse. (The year he died it was

Friday, the 13th, so that haunts at me too)

Then, there is the fact that I feel I am letting my kids down this year, not

just for Christmas but the last few months since left. I try to call

and get my girls to come over, but they always have activities, etc and it is

hard to coordinate. My exhusband has this weird idea that it should be both

girls at the same time too, which I think is weird considering their ages.

It seems that having no husband (or his wallet) effects things beside

Christmas. I found something that I could do and liked to do for her,

teaching her to drive. We got together at least 3 times a week, which for us

is incredible, and we shared a million laughs. My girls seem to think that

having a bipolar mom has its good points when I am manic. They giggle at

almost everything and of course I encourage it, we share so little. Getting

back on the subject, the day I told her we could only drive for a little

while because I didnt have enough gas to practice AND go to work, well she

seemed to slip away a little that day. Now she has an excuse to say no about

half the time I call and ask her.

Then there is the biggie of my depression----JD's Christmas. Every day I

sink lower and lower. I suppose I should have found some kind of work while

he was in school, but I am having such anxiety and panic attacks, the shakes

everything, so it is hard. That is why the paper route is good, he goes with

me and there is no people interaction. However that leaves me with a ton of

disconnects and very few presents. I am glad I buy things through the year.

His dad is going to " look over things " tonight and see how much he can help

me between now and Christmas, I suppose I should be grateful, but this is the

man who paid no child support the whole time I was married. He informed me

that he had to save too, because he is going to Santo Domingo in February.

Now yes, he deserves a vacation like everyone else, but I almost wish he

hadnt told me so soon.

Well, that is the end of the vent for now, I have to go cry and feel

miserable for myself now, sorry so long.

, Columbus, OH

Mom to

, 15, possible bipolar

Annie, 12, so far so good

JD, 8, severe ADHD, Autism, and my reason for getting out of bed each morning!