To ...

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry for not getting to you sooner. I was reading your post and I want you to know that you are not alone. Just because you've had this disease for so many years, doesn't mean you can't feel the same way as someone who is just newly dx'd. It makes you so angry!!!

I too, go through some really rough times. And I've said and felt the same way as you. In fact...Just last year I hit a really bad time and for about 9 months I was so depressed I was contemplating suicide. My only problem was...How do I do this and not feel any pain? How do I do this without hurting the people I love more than anything in this whole world? What if I didn't succeed and have to be put in the looney bin? And how do I do this that is totally against everything I believe in? I couldn't get passed all the questions, so I went into hibernation. No family, friends, not even my fiance could get me to come out of my shell.

I was pretty good at going through the motions though. I pretended that I was doing okay. But, when no one was around, I spent most of my time either crying or sleeping. I finally decided that there is something wrong if I allow a stupid thing like MS take away everything I know and love. Physically, I'm not doing so great. I'm in pain most of the time. I can't seem to lose this ugly fat that's weighing me down. And, I still don't want people around me. But, by golly, I'm NOT going to lose this battle!!! I'm making myself put on a smile when I don't really feel like smiling. I'm getting out of the house when I don't feel like going. I'm communicating with people when I don't feel like talking. But, that is only online. I don't take calls much anymore. Just the thought of being on the phone gives me so much anxiety, I can't stand it. But hey, I've got my trusty 'puter, and I'll talk all day on it!

But most of all...I have God. He has been here the whole time. I know that He is what has kept me from doing myself in. Because I love him more than I want to die. Even if you are not a Christian, there is always a reason to go on. You have a whole bunch of folks here who really care about you. We are all in this boat together. Don't ever feel bad for getting things off your chest. If you can't do it here, where can you?

In closing, I'd like to say, if you ever need to just talk, feel free to email me privately. I may not be able to fix your problem, but I can be a shoulder for you to hang your head.

Blessed be...

http://360.yahoo.com/vallee45

[Guest guest]

Val, Bless your sweet heart for that email. I have received the kindest emails since I posted last night. I can barely mention what is bothering me to my family without tearing up. I mentioned to someone else that I have worked very hard to be the "big girl" about this. I have also worked as best as I could to not let MS interfere with my life. But it's only so long that we can wear our superhero cape. I also believe in God and know that He allows all things to work for His purpose. I truly believe He allowed this in my life for a reason. But I am worn down.... I am tired of this. I am tired of always being aware of the MS. When I first was diagnosed it was really tough and I almost dropped off the face of the earth - so to speak. But then I regrouped and got myself together and learned how to deal with it on a daily basis. I was

so much better at that then than I am now. The hard part now is the loss of things that I used to do and was able to do with my MS that I can't do now. The MS is changing on me and taking more away ..... It's scary - when will the MS stop taking away and be still? It's one thing to work around issues and accomodate our lives to those issues - --- but then it changes AGAIN. It's also hard because people in our lives - as hard as they try- really don't understand this. Why do we look OK and say that we are falling apart? Nobody wants me to commit to anything anymore ( I think they don't trust it will happen anymore) - this just breaks my heart and it hurts more to realize that they are probably right. Thanks the touching email.... I'll keep you in my prayers. Valene

wrote: I'm sorry for not getting to you sooner. I was reading your post and I want you to know that you are not alone. Just because you've had this disease for so many years, doesn't mean you can't feel the same way as someone who is just newly dx'd. It makes you so angry!!! I too, go through some really rough times. And I've said and felt the same way as you. In fact...Just last year I hit a really bad time and for about 9 months I was so depressed I was contemplating suicide. My only problem was...How do I do this and not feel any pain? How do I do this without hurting the people I love more than anything in this whole world? What if I didn't succeed and have to be put in the looney bin? And how do I do this that is totally against everything I believe in? I couldn't get passed all the questions, so I went into hibernation. No family, friends, not even my fiance could get me

to come out of my shell. I was pretty good at going through the motions though. I pretended that I was doing okay. But, when no one was around, I spent most of my time either crying or sleeping. I finally decided that there is something wrong if I allow a stupid thing like MS take away everything I know and love. Physically, I'm not doing so great. I'm in pain most of the time. I can't seem to lose this ugly fat that's weighing me down. And, I still don't want people around me. But, by golly, I'm NOT going to lose this battle!!! I'm making myself put on a smile when I don't really feel like smiling. I'm getting out of the house when I don't feel like going. I'm communicating with people when I don't feel like talking. But, that is only online. I don't take calls much anymore. Just the thought of being on the phone gives me so much anxiety, I can't stand it. But hey, I've got my trusty 'puter, and I'll talk all day on it! But most of all...I have God. He has been here the whole time. I know that He is what has kept me from doing myself in. Because I love him more than I want to die. Even if you are not a Christian, there is always a reason to go on. You have a whole bunch of folks here who really care about you. We are all in this boat together. Don't ever feel bad for getting things off your chest. If you can't do it here, where can you? In closing, I'd like to say, if you ever need to just talk, feel free to email me privately. I may not be able to fix your problem, but I can be a shoulder for you to hang your head. Blessed be... http://360.yahoo.com/vallee45 __________________________________________________