Re: Re: [asparenting] Introductions

[Guest guest]

----- Original Message -----

From: Kate Gladstone

>

That's what I do -- they still " test boundaries " more than I like.

**Like someone else already said, it's juvenile.

Some of them do the same with other tutors (like sports coaches or music

teachers) -- but a lot of them do it with just me (and these folks don't

seem able to explain why they admit they'd " blow off " me but not " blow off "

the same kid's piano teacher or tennis coach).

**Aha! I know how that goes! They seem to see a giant " Kick me " sign on you

that they don't see on others (NTs). Maybe you're too good-natured or they

sense something 'off', since you're an Aspie, and for some reason think they

can screw with you! People like that are cowards, in addition to being rude

and juvenile.

D.

[Guest guest]

Re:

Unfortunately, working with a partner hasn't worked out (except my husband

sometimes helps -- but he is also an Aspie).

>

> It sounds like you're dealing with a very difficult audience. Is there any

> way you could take on a neurotypical partner to go with you to these

> meetings and help you maintain order?

>

>

>

Kate Gladstone

[Guest guest]

>

>

>

> I tend to get a lot of people testing boundaries with me also. I think maybe

it's because they sense there's something different about us (as autistic) so

the boundaries may be different and maybe can be manipulated to their advantage.

Sad, but true. It's taken me over 50 years, and some help via therapy (DBT has

been particularly helpful) to figure out how to set and enforce boundaries in

such a way that others respect. I'm still working on it, still have a lot to

practice and learn.

It doesn't happen to all autistics and it does happen to some people

who aren't autistic. That would suggest that there are things that

could be done about it, rather than putting it down to unchangeable

neurology.

>

> I think that's where many of the advocates of " let it go " are coming from. It

is indeed possible and healthy to let go of the anger once the problem has been

solved, because the anger has served its purpose and is no longer needed. But as

long as the problem remains, the anger serves as a reminder and an energizer

that there is a problem which needs to be solved.

Only if 1) there is a viable solution and people are actually going to

take it on board and 2) it isn't destroying your quality of life while

you hold onto it. Letting go of the destructive part of anger doesn't

mean never thinking about issues - but to come up with viable sensible

solutions a cool head works better, and if you talk in a calm voice

and present sensible suggestions people will take you more seriously.

Simply raging about the unfairness of stuff won't help anyone.

> Other advocates of " let it go " imply that either the problem has no solution,

or that it is not important enough to strive for a solution, or even that --

heaven forbid -- we don't have a right to set up and maintain boundaries.

See above, Im not saying don't act, but that you personally feel

better if not consumed by upset in the meantime.

> The ultimate goal is to solve the problems that seems (to me) to boil down to

adults indulging in the juvenile behavior of boundary-testing with you. Maybe

this is because they sense that you are different and so maybe boundaries may be

different. No matter; the solution, whatever it may be, would therefore involve

making these boundaries clear, strong, and respected, whatever this takes. Then

the anger and rumination, having served their purpose, could be dismissed.

>

I always wonder when adults define other adults as juvenile just what

they're failing to understand in each other. It's just a way of

insulting the one you feel is your enemy. It's certainly not going to

help you work rationally towards a solution, adult to adult. maybe

one reason people continue their negative behaviour is they sense this

tangent, this dissolution of the respect due another adult human

being's pov.

Ruth

--

" Environmental problems are difficult to solve because Earth is a

" public good " .  Even though we would all be better off if everyone

reduced their environmental impact, it is not in anyone's individual

interest to do so.  This leads to the famous " tragedy of the commons " ,

in which public resources are overexploited and everyone suffers. "

New Scientist opinion article

[Guest guest]

> Then I tried calling one night before, but people often

> said this didn't give them enough time to re-schedule

> stuff that they'd scheduled into their appointment-slot

> because of forgetting that they had the appointment.

I'd try to optimise the timing, meaning as close to the actual

appointment as necessary to remind people but minimising the

disruption of your own schedule from " I forgot " cancellations.

The re-scheduling thing is more than forgetfulness; rather it is a

problem with their own scheduling. If someone can't keep their

appointment slots straight, then they probably would have the same

problem a week in advance.

- s0

[Guest guest]

> I had to take a breather from this conversation as it was beginning to feel a

bit hostile.

I've dropped it altogether; it was going weird places and not helping.

Along with at least one other thread here.

Ruth

--

" Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. "

Kurt Cobain