Re: heartbreak for the holidays. (warning: VERY depressing)

[Guest guest]

Jacquie, I know this does not help much, but I have been feeling very much

the same way. Your post could very easily have been written by me today..

And BTW, I said this before, but I really dont want to be in the car all day

tomorrow with ..what kind of mother does that make me?

Heres hoping tomorow is better for BOTH of us!!

[Guest guest]

funny, but i didn't find that depressing AT ALL...

love your sad sister,

gina

" Why is it that everytime I think I know the answers, someone goes and changes

the questions?? " - Fox Mulder

[Guest guest]

Oh, Jacquie: I don't know what to say. Do you think that your own

depression is causing you to react this way? I know I, too, feel like this

is just too much sometimes. Yet, when my cousin said to me that she didn't

think she could deal with this...that she thinks she would seriously

consider putting an autistic child in foster care or giving her up.....my

very first thought was.....Never! Never in a million years would I give up

my child. There are so many bad times....but there are good times, too.

Just try to remember the good times. I hope you feel better about things

soon.

Tamara

>

>Reply-To: parenting_autism

>To: <parenting_autism >

>Subject: heartbreak for the holidays. (warning: VERY

>depressing)

>Date: Sat, 22 Dec 2001 20:24:28 -0500

>

>

>I'm having one of those " I Just Can't Do This Anymore " days.

>

>After taking the dog for a walk, dh and came through the door with

> crying, bawling his head off. I was up here, playing pinball...and

>something inside me just shut off. The mother part. Just shut down

>completely. I just turned up the music (Matchbox Twenty, natch) and

>pretended I didn't hear them. I felt so lonely and trapped all of a

>sudden....

>

>Went down later. told me he was crying because Marc had kicked him.

>Absolutely not true. I just started weeping. When will I ever be able to

>believe a word that comes out of his mouth?

>

>He ignored my obvious hysteria and requested (demanded) juice. I got it.

>He said, " Daddy? " No, daddy had gone upstairs. OK. " Mommy? " " Yes? " I

>replied, hoping for...something. Anything. I don't know what. " The law

>says I have to be married to a prince by my birthday, " he called. More

>weeping on my part. Damned echolalia. F*ing echolalia.

>

>Still later, he told me he knew a song. I said I'd love to hear it. He

>started to sing Santa Claus is coming to Town, but saw me moving my head

>slightly, stopped, and screamed, 'DON'T DANCE!!!!!!!!!!'

>

>I fled.

>

>Today is one of those days I feel like I just can't do this anymore, not

>for one more day. It's too much. It's too damned much. Every single day

>is a big f*ing deal about something or other. Every single day has its own

>drama that must be played out. Every single day is one more day closer

>to...what, exactly? WHAT?

>

>Sometimes I feel like the most important parts of me died when I had him.

>The carefree part. The laughing part. The spontaneous part. The part

>with a FUTURE. The FUN part. The part that people loved. The part that

>*I* loved. And what's left? RoboMom. Fetch and carry juice, fish sticks.

>Sign papers. Make phone calls. Pretend it doesn't bother me that other

>families are having the kind of Christmas I remember from my own childhood,

>while mine is full of heartbreak everywhere I look; full of reminders of

>what could have been but will never, ever be.

>

>And what about the mother that I could have been? Where is she? Did she

>ever exist, even for a minute? Or is she just a figment of my imagination,

>seemingly perfect because I never met her? I like to think she was fun,

>and loving, and giving. Generous with her time and with her love. Not

>like me. I hoard both of those things; my time is jealously guarded and my

>love is given cautiously, for fear it will explode in my face, as it has so

>many times before, or be met with blank indifference, with which I am also

>familiar. My mothering has an on/off switch now, it seems. Because to be

>'on' all the time seems too much of a gamble, makes me too vulnerable.

>

>Quote from the lyrics of the song I'm listening to right now:

> " The chance is just as fat

> " As a union bureaucrat

> " That the life you want to live

> " Ain't the one you're looking at. "

>

>Coincidence. But how fitting. <sigh>

>

>Jacquie

>

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[Guest guest]

> Oh, Jacquie: I don't know what to say. Do you think that your own

> depression is causing you to react this way? I know I, too, feel like this

> is just too much sometimes. Yet, when my cousin said to me that she didn't

> think she could deal with this...that she thinks she would seriously

> consider putting an autistic child in foster care or giving her up.....my

> very first thought was.....Never! Never in a million years would I give up

> my child. There are so many bad times....but there are good times, too.

> Just try to remember the good times. I hope you feel better about things

> soon.

Tamara, I agree. I could never seriously consider giving him up. But some

days, especially when the depression is bad, I just don't know how I'm going to

make it for even one more day. When the depression hits, as it has over the

last few weeks, I spend so much energy just getting myself up and around and

functioning...I don't have anything left over for him. And that is a huge

source of guilt and shame, which makes me feel more depressed...and so on, and

so on....

<sigh>

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

> Today is one of those days I feel like I just can't do this

anymore, not for one more day. It's too much. It's too damned

much. Every single day is a big f*ing deal about something or

other. Every single day has its own drama that must be played out.

Every single day is one more day closer to...what, exactly? WHAT?

>

I struggle with this too Jacquie. This is the part that makes me so

tired. You just keep trying and working on things until something

clicks. Of course then there is always another somthing to deal

with, but one bridge at a time I guess. It's been one hell of a year

for our family, but seems to fit well at my folks, Gail is

finally getting her health, educational and psych issues better

identified and addressed, seems to be responding favourably to

the new med combination, will (please oh please) be going to

a behavior class in the Head Start Program where they will feed him

too (good luck on that one!), and seems to be normal despite

his mild (3-6mo) motor skills delays. and I have a good

relationship which I think has improved this year. Overall I'd have

to rate this last year in the awful category, especially the big

deal/drama over something every stinking day. Man I get so flippin

tired of that. But, we have made progress. Look at how far has

come this year. He's done so amazingly well. And you...look at how

well you have done yourself. Somedays it's just plain hard, but then

thats why we have this list that you created. So we can encourage

each other. Keep hanging on. You're a great mom and a good friend.

[Guest guest]

>

> I'm having one of those " I Just Can't Do This Anymore " days.>>

Jacquie,

I know this note is a few days old, but things have been so nutsoid

around here the last couple of days I haven't really found any time

to sit down and write much of anything.

I felt so awful when I read your note. I do think that the holidays

are a time when autism sticks out so badly in our minds, because we

had this vision of what Christmas with our kids would be like, and it

just isn't...one more dream shot to bits, at a time when the rest of

the world is going merrily on their way...totally oblivious. Fact is,

not a lot of folks see what we go through. So we do it pretty much

alone.

has about had it this year with Christmas. He is having

crying jags, biting my sleeve, clinging like badly done laundry. I

have so much I wanted to do, thinking to make this year a little

more " normal " for my other kids, but most of it isn't going to

happen, and that is hard. I'll be lucky to get the house

straightened out and a decent dinner under control for Christmas day

(we have that friend of my husband's coming over...). But I think

that we just have to take it one minute at a time---note, I didn't

say " a DAY at a time " ...that's way too much to handle for me at this

point. Minute by minute, we make it through.

FWIW, I kinda like echolalia...lets me know that has heard and

registered what was said. :-) I suppose that's my coping

mechanism...figure out why all this weird stuff happens so that it

makes some sort of sense. If it has some sense to it, I can accept

it better.

My three older kids will wake up this morning and go to the

tree...tonight they get to open one present of their choosing, and

they will spend much of today trying to decide which one is a " good "

choice (not clothes, not TOO good, certainly not educational...).

won't even look at the tree. I will choose something for him

to open...perhaps the weighted afghan my mom made him...and I will

open it. Oh well. One less I'll have to open by myself tomorrow.

That's one of my hardest things...opening all his presents by

myself. I'd give a lot to see him rip open a package and squeal over

what he found inside, but I don't see it happening soon. In fact, we

will probably let the three older kids open their gifts while he is

still sleeping tomorrow...it takes out the stress of it for him, and

they can enjoy Christmas morning.

Well, this isn't very helpful, I guess...listening to me go on about

how OUR Christmas will be, but I do hope you are feeling better, and

that today and tomorrow are good days for you. My dad has a

saying, " It is what it is " ...and that is how I have to do it...I

can't change it much...at least I do know what I'm dealing with now,

which is more than I could say last year at this time, and I deal

with it from a perspective of knowledge instead of so much fear.

Do have a wonderful day today and tomorrow... sounds like such a

fun kid, and in his own amazing way, he will make Christmas something

unique and memorable at your house. Maybe not what you had in mind,

but still...'s own special Christmas day.

Take care,

Raena

[Guest guest]

> has about had it this year with Christmas. He is having

> crying jags, biting my sleeve, clinging like badly done laundry. I

> have so much I wanted to do, thinking to make this year a little

> more " normal " for my other kids, but most of it isn't going to

> happen, and that is hard.

I can't even imagine. It MUST be.

I'll be lucky to get the house

> straightened out and a decent dinner under control for Christmas day

> (we have that friend of my husband's coming over...).

Luckily, we're going to my mom's tonight. I don't think I could possibly put

together a proper Christmas on my own this year.

> Well, this isn't very helpful, I guess...listening to me go on about

> how OUR Christmas will be,

Yes, it IS!!!!! to klnow that I'm not alone, that is the BEST thing in the

world. (((hugs)))

>. My dad has a

> saying, " It is what it is " ...and that is how I have to do it...

I agree. This is how I try to live. I think I succeed about 87% of the time,

too. But the other 13% REALLY SUCKS!!!!!

> Do have a wonderful day today and tomorrow... sounds like such a

> fun kid, and in his own amazing way, he will make Christmas something

> unique and memorable at your house. Maybe not what you had in mind,

> but still...'s own special Christmas day.

He IS a special kid. , too. May they both have something special to find

in tomorrow.

xo

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

Jacquie,

My kids still want me to do everything for them, but we're starting to work

on the things I think they can safely do for themselves.

's comment about being married to a prince sounds like something out of

's mouth.

I know this isn't the life you planned, or any of us planned, but things do

improve. It sounds to me like your depression was already acting up and

that's why you shut off when you heard him crying. Don't be so hard on

yourself. Trust me, things do get better, and has already gone through

a lot of improvements since I joined this list.

You are human with your own issues, and it doesn't make you a bad person or

mommy to have times when you can't deal with 's issues. Nobody can be

'on' all of the time, Nobody!

Try not to be so hard on yourself!

Take care!

Happy Holidays!

Sue

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[Guest guest]

I'll be lucky to get the house

> straightened out and a decent dinner under control for Christmas

day

But I think

> that we just have to take it one minute at a time---note, I didn't

> say " a DAY at a time " ...that's way too much to handle for me at

this

> point. Minute by minute, we make it through.

We're right there with you Raena. I got a potted tree last night,

pretty thing, long droppy boughs, can't remember what sort it is, and

that will do for the tree this year. Nothing is normal for us this

year. Christmas will come regardless of what is done or undone and

minute by minute we'll make it through.

>

My dad has a

> saying, " It is what it is " ...and that is how I have to do it...I

> can't change it much...at least I do know what I'm dealing with

now,

> which is more than I could say last year at this time, and I deal

> with it from a perspective of knowledge instead of so much fear.

That's about all you can do Raena. It is what it is and you do the

best you can.

Blessings and peace to everyone.

[Guest guest]

I'm listening to a Stevie Nicks song right now:

" I am stronger than you know "

Hope you're feeling better, hon.

Tuna

--- The Hunny Family wrote:

Quote from the lyrics of the song I'm listening to

right now:

The chance is just as fat

As a union bureaucrat

That the life you want to live

Ain't the one you're looking at.

Coincidence But how fitting. sigh

Jacquie

=====

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[Guest guest]

> I'm listening to a Stevie Nicks song right now:

>

> " I am stronger than you know "

>

> Hope you're feeling better, hon.

>

> Tuna

Thanks, Tuna!

I was feeling pretty battered by life this week, and today, but now that they

are HISTORY, I'm downright giddy!

Thanks for thinking of me! :-)

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

------------------------

Subject: Re: heartbreak for the holidays. (warning: VERY

depressing)

Date: Sat, 6 Oct 2035 05:41:06 -0800

To: parenting_autism

Jacquie -

Welcome to my world.

Yes, it sucks. But, tomorrow is another day, and will do or say something

that will melt

your heart and make you realize that it IS all worth it. It HAS to be.

Cheer up my friend. Have a hug. Go to bed. Have a better day tomorrow.

Sympathetically yours,

~Penny~ - who let her daughter play upstairs ALL day today and didn't disturb

her for fear she would want " to play " . :-(

*******

" I want a cookie, I have a cookie " - Jerry Seinfeld

" If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears

a different drummer.

Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away. "

--Henry Thoreau

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