Re: just need to talk/post

June 9, 2011

Hi - is it Jane? You did not mention your name but the e-mail addy looks like

that might be it.

Please know - YOU are not alone.

I'm so glad your father is in a facility where he's safe and cared for - my dad

is, too.

I hope you take time for yourself. Quiet time is not time taken away from your

parents, it's something you deserve, and an investment in the long-term.

I'm not a medical person at all, but just reading your e-mail I wonder if

perhaps your mother's forgetfulness is from stress, rather than Alzheimer's.

Only a doctor can sort that out, though.

I will pray that the social worker is great and gives you some good support!

Ellen in OH

________________________________

To: LBDcaregivers

Sent: Thu, June 9, 2011 8:07:10 AM

Subject: just need to talk/post

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Dad is at a long term care facility in personal care - not a dementia unit which

is very good. He has many many friends and plays cards and does have a good

personality - he appears to have adjusted well at least in the eyes of the staff

and I truly believe he has. This month he's been angry at all of us and I

beleive it's justifiable. He wants Mom to move in now. But she's not ready. He

says people ask about his wife everyday and it makes everything awful. Mom will

only visit 1 day a week becuase that's all she can tolerate. Dad calls Mom all

the time and just yells at her and tries to force her to move there or visit

more often that will not happen because the relationship has become so strained.

Mom is tired of giving in I understand that and I support that. I also

understand that Dad wants to see her more often.

We are going to meet with the social worker at the nursing home. I don't know

what to do for either one of them any longer. I let Mom listen into the

conversation I had with Dad last night. He insisted that the marrage was over. I

said no it's not. He said he was abandon. You are there because you need full

time nursing care. Mom is not a nurse, I'm not a nurse and my sister is not a

nurse. The dementia has really gotten a grip on you and we don't know what to do

any more. This happens everyday around 3 pm so I know it's associated with

sundowners. I know my sister has had it will me. I understand that as well. I

know there is absolutley nothing else I can do. I am no longer a comfort to

anyone in the family anymore and I am not communicating effectively with any of

them. I wonder if I ever will be able to. I cannot answer all of Mom questions

or Dad's questions when I do answer them I don't give them the answers they want

or the answers are just not good enough. I have no skills in psychology or

generontology. I know there is nothing you folks can do. but having the abilty

to just post this does help. My heart goes out to all of you who have loved ones

at home who are dealing with LBD on a daily basis. It finally got the best of us

and I know that Dad is in very very good hands. I'm not sure medicating him is

the right thing - I'm not even sure there is a right or wrong thing. Again all

my best to those of you with loved ones at home living with you. Thank you for

just letting me get this out. I know I'm going to have to get better at coping.

I wish I could be of more assistance to my parents and sister but I'm just

failing misrebly. I know Mom feels the same way she said I just feel like I'm in

a hole and I can't get out. I know that the hole is the fact DAd has dementia

and nobody can get out. On top of that I feel that she has started exhibiting

signs of Altzhiemers. Loosing words, in ability to balance a checkbook, not

being able to keep things straight when she's given instructions over the phone.

I know she's not ready to acknowledge the fact she may have this. If we could

get a few months of calm she might be able to accept her own problems but right

now she just will not. Again thank you for letting me get this out. I know there

is nothing any of you can do and I know most of you are experiencing much worse.

My heart goes out to all of you. You are not alone.

June 9, 2011

Jane,

" ... He wants Mom to move in now. But she's not ready. He says

people ask about his wife everyday and it makes everything awful. Mom

will only visit 1 day a week becuase that's all she can tolerate.

>

" > We are going to meet with the social worker at the nursing home.

I don't know what to do for either one of them any longer. . I know my

sister has had it will me. I understand that as well. I know there

is absolutley nothing else I can do. I am no longer a comfort to

anyone in the family anymore and I am not communicating effectively

with any of them. "

Don't blame yourself. The situation is impossible. No one can deal

rationally with irrational demands. All the choices in front of you

are bad. But you can find support, possibly through your church, a

social worker, or some trained in psychology. And you should, because

you deserve it. You're trying hard to resolve irreconcilable

differences and even if your parents don't recognized it because their

mental states won't allow them to understand, you are their best

support. For their sakes and for your own, find someone who will

listen and tell you that you can only do your best, you can't

magically reverse this tragic decline in both your parents.

Best regards,

Ann

June 9, 2011

Hi Jane,

I might be coming into this late; I've been rather busy lately so have only been

able to skim emails. But I do have some questions or ideas for you to ponder,

if nobody has asked them yet. How long has your dad been in the facility? Is

he on no medication? (Something you said made it sound that way.) There is

clearly a lot of strain going on for all of you. Part of the problem of course

with him not being in a dementia unit is that his caregivers might not know

exactly what to look for, how to respond to issues, when to suggest medications,

etc. I understand why you're happy he is not in a dementia unit, but that isn't

necessarily all good. Is he involved with a neurologist and psychiatrist?

Apparently he's been diagnosed with LBD from the sounds of it. Again, I

apologize if I am repeating questions that others have asked...I've been absent.

My other thought, and I am a master's level psychotherapist, is that I'm

wondering if your mom is necessarily exhibiting signs of Alzheimer's, or if it

might be a stress response. You may be right in your assessment, but just

remember that the level of stress from dealing with this and facing his anger

and feeling in a hole like she does CAN account for all the symptoms you're

seeing as well. That was just something I wanted to pass on for you to ponder.

Best of luck with what you're dealing with. You, too are not alone, and the

stress you're under is real, whether it seems like others have 'worse'

situations or not.

Lori

just need to talk/post

Dad is at a long term care facility in personal care - not a dementia unit

which is very good. He has many many friends and plays cards and does have a

good personality - he appears to have adjusted well at least in the eyes of the

staff and I truly believe he has. This month he's been angry at all of us and I