Re: Rought Time - Going Nuts - VENT LONG

[Guest guest]

All I can say is this sounds hauntingly familiar...wish I had some advice...I

haven't gone the medication route myself yet, but have been thinking about

it...I find very little joy in anything these days.

Pam

Mom to and Conor

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[Guest guest]

> Somebody tell me this passes!!!! Somebody tell me you have behaved this

way without knowing why, without having a specific reason.... <

well grace...

i can't tell you it passes

but i can tell you i've been there

many many times

p.s. are you on medication?

" Why is it that everytime I think I know the answers, someone goes and

changes the questions?? " - Fox Mulder

[Guest guest]

> Have any of you had a rough time, emotionally, without having a clue as to

> why?

>

Grace, I hate to be the one to say it out loud, but I have to -- that is a sign

of depression. When nothing in your life has changed, but suddenly you feel

like you just can't go on another day -- that's depression.

> I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like I have a short circuit in my

> head, and I boil over. It's small stupid stuff that totally makes me

> explode.

Yes. That, too, sounds like depression.

> I " m cussing while putting it in the wash, and Shaun is just watching me.

> Even THAT pissed me off.

That would've pissed ME off, too!

> Later, both kids won't eat. It makes sense, their noses are stuffed. I

> wouldn't be hungry either, but they can't tell me they aren't hungry, and

> being mom, I'm obligated to feed them food. So I cooked. Am I

> understanding about their refusal to eat? NO. Not one damn bit.

Because even this one thing you CAN do for them is not being accepted?

> Then that escalates into a full blown emotional meltdown.... consisting

> of - - I never intended to live like this. Why am I exploding over this at

> my own daughter? Oh, what she must feel like.... what is wrong with me?

> How terrible for her to have such a mom, how terrible for me to have such a

> daughter... how awful everything is..... and so forth. This wasn't supposed

> to be what my life is like. I was doing so well, what is happening to

> me.... why does my life have to be like this, I don't understand.... etc

> etc.

Sounds like grief -- mixed in with depression.

> Then I sleep. Sometimes for 10 minutes, sometimes for an hour. Last night,

> I slept from 9 PM to 9 AM this morning. Shaun handled the girls himself, I

> could have cared less and just slept.

THAT's depression.

> I mean, for heaven's sake, they are sick and being so good about it. What

> the hell is my problem???? It's embarrasing to even write this out because

> all of it is so crazy. I would be seriously worried about my mental health

> right now if I didn't realize, during every second of my meltdowns, that I

> was acting strangely....

That doesn't mean you're NOT depressed - it just means that you're aware of it.

> I know I sound like a horrible mom. Part of me doesn't even want to send

> this, but you just have to believe that I am usually not like this. I'm not

> a terrific mom, but I am nowhere near this horrible either. Not usually,

> anyhow.

If this makes you a horrible mom, I bet 90% of the moms on this list would then

fit that description.

this is a short quiz I found online to tell you if I'm full of crap: (I hope

so)

http://www.med.nyu.edu/Psych/screens/depres.html

and a list of the....

Symptoms of Depression

persistent sadness or unhappiness

lethargy

loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities

irritability

sudden change in appetite

disruption of normal sleep pattern

physical discomfort

difficulty thinking or concentrating

thoughts of suicide or death.

xoxo

Hope today is a better day,

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

Grace: That is exactly how I feel a lot of the time. So uncontrollably

angry. Even when I can hide it and move on...it's like this anger growing

inside until I just feel like I can't take it anymore. And over little,

stupid stuff. Someone not picking up their dirty clothes, having to clean

up poop again, putting all the toys away and turning around to have them all

out again, having to do dishes for the third time that day (yet, I can feel

the same anger if someone else puts dishes away wrong!), a pop can left out

on the coffee table. All minor in the frame of my life but I usually feel

such anger bubbling up at them that it is scary. I don't know what to tell

you except I think Jacquie was right when she said depression. I have been

told this too. It get so that I don't want to do anything. I can't make a

decision to save my life. It's like I am so overwhelmed by what I need to

do that I can't do anything because I don't know where to start. I was

taking wellbutrin, but that didn't help. The zoloft seems to be better.

Maybe you should talk to your doctor?

Good Luck,

Tamara

>

>head, and I boil over. It's small stupid stuff that totally makes me

>explode. For instance, I just washed the slipcover 2 days ago, and put it

>back on the sofa. Madison's diaper leaked on it today. My reaction is

>pure

>anger.... over why, of all places, she had to sit there. Why can't anyone

>leave my stuff alone? Why does she always pick that ONE thing that I try

>to

>do, and mess it up? EVERYONE - go away, shoooooooooo, leave me ALONE!!!!

>I " m cussing while putting it in the wash, and Shaun is just watching me.

>Even THAT pissed me off.

>Later, both kids won't eat. It makes sense, their noses are stuffed. I

>wouldn't be hungry either, but they can't tell me they aren't hungry, and

>being mom, I'm obligated to feed them food. So I cooked. Am I

>understanding about their refusal to eat? NO. Not one damn bit.

>Sydney plays by herself in her room. Other days, I just watch her and

>wonder. Today, I'm staring her down wondering why she has to be so

>$@ & #@% & & #%^@$%@ antisocial. Stop that humming. Stop playing with the same

>doll. Put that block down, you will break your teeth. STOP MOVING, let me

>wipe your NOSE. Damn it, can you not do ANYTHING yourself????

>Then, several times, Madison climbed into the fireplace to play with soot.

>OK, well kids do this. It's fun, if you think about it, to become all

>black. And it's not so long ago that she would have shuddered at the

>notion

>of becoming dirty. But she is in the fireplace, so I give her a bath. 10

>minutes after the bath, I find her in the damn fireplace again. I blow a

>fuse in my head and make Shaun give her another bath. Then she did it

>again, and I literally picked her up out of the fireplace, took her to the

>bathroom, made her get into an empty bathtub and told Shaun to do it again,

>crying and screaming by this point. I go outside, smoke a cigarette, and

>am

>bawling over my hand, which is blackened by the nasty fireplace stuff that

>obviously rubbed off of Madison onto me.

>

>Then that escalates into a full blown emotional meltdown.... consisting

>of - - I never intended to live like this. Why am I exploding over this

>at

>my own daughter? Oh, what she must feel like.... what is wrong with me?

>How terrible for her to have such a mom, how terrible for me to have such a

>daughter... how awful everything is..... and so forth. This wasn't

>supposed

>to be what my life is like. I was doing so well, what is happening to

>me.... why does my life have to be like this, I don't understand.... etc

>etc.

>Then I sleep. Sometimes for 10 minutes, sometimes for an hour. Last night,

>I slept from 9 PM to 9 AM this morning. Shaun handled the girls himself, I

>could have cared less and just slept.

>And then I seem okay -- until the next thing triggers another

>inappropriate, exaggerated, and similar reaction from me.

>

>I mean, for heaven's sake, they are sick and being so good about it. What

>the hell is my problem???? It's embarrasing to even write this out because

>all of it is so crazy. I would be seriously worried about my mental health

>right now if I didn't realize, during every second of my meltdowns, that I

>was acting strangely.... that how I was reacting to this situation was

>irrational and wicked. Evil. And plain wrong. It's like I am being

>possessed, and I am fully aware of it while it's happening. And it's like

>life will not give my heart a chance to heal. It keeps on throwing daggers

>at me, and piles on more things I need to feel guilty about, more things I

>need to regret, and more things that need to break my heart all over again.

>Shaun thinks that having the girls home for these extra days has worn me

>out. I WANTED to keep them home. I had a wonderful time keeping them at

>home. I thought I did anyhow.... but sometime during mid-day yesterday, it

>just changed, and I simply cannot understand what happened.

>Somebody tell me this passes!!!! Somebody tell me you have behaved this

>way

>without knowing why, without having a specific reason....

>I know I sound like a horrible mom. Part of me doesn't even want to send

>this, but you just have to believe that I am usually not like this. I'm

>not

>a terrific mom, but I am nowhere near this horrible either. Not usually,

>anyhow.

>

>Grace

>Mom to twin girls Sydney and Madison

>Born 3/28/98

>Wife to Shaun 1/11/97

>Reply to: gracekeh@...

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>_________________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

Oh Grace and Tamara,

I am the same way. The anger is there all the time I just have to learn to

walk away some times. I know it is really hard. I have red hair and I hate

it when they say that it is just the hair colour that makes me have the

tempet I have.

I hope everything starts to get better for you Grace.

But I do have to say what every one else has already said. Please go talk to

your doctor about it.

Tkae care

Lori

Re: Rought Time - Going Nuts - VENT LONG

> Grace: That is exactly how I feel a lot of the time. So uncontrollably

> angry. Even when I can hide it and move on...it's like this anger growing

> inside until I just feel like I can't take it anymore. And over little,

> stupid stuff. Someone not picking up their dirty clothes, having to clean

> up poop again, putting all the toys away and turning around to have them

all

> out again, having to do dishes for the third time that day (yet, I can

feel

> the same anger if someone else puts dishes away wrong!), a pop can left

out

> on the coffee table. All minor in the frame of my life but I usually feel

> such anger bubbling up at them that it is scary. I don't know what to tell

> you except I think Jacquie was right when she said depression. I have

been

> told this too. It get so that I don't want to do anything. I can't make

a

> decision to save my life. It's like I am so overwhelmed by what I need to

> do that I can't do anything because I don't know where to start. I was

> taking wellbutrin, but that didn't help. The zoloft seems to be better.

> Maybe you should talk to your doctor?

> Good Luck,

> Tamara

>

>

> >

> >head, and I boil over. It's small stupid stuff that totally makes me

> >explode. For instance, I just washed the slipcover 2 days ago, and put

it

> >back on the sofa. Madison's diaper leaked on it today. My reaction is

> >pure

> >anger.... over why, of all places, she had to sit there. Why can't

anyone

> >leave my stuff alone? Why does she always pick that ONE thing that I try

> >to

> >do, and mess it up? EVERYONE - go away, shoooooooooo, leave me ALONE!!!!

> >I " m cussing while putting it in the wash, and Shaun is just watching me.

> >Even THAT pissed me off.

> >Later, both kids won't eat. It makes sense, their noses are stuffed. I

> >wouldn't be hungry either, but they can't tell me they aren't hungry, and

> >being mom, I'm obligated to feed them food. So I cooked. Am I

> >understanding about their refusal to eat? NO. Not one damn bit.

> >Sydney plays by herself in her room. Other days, I just watch her and

> >wonder. Today, I'm staring her down wondering why she has to be so

> >$@ & #@% & & #%^@$%@ antisocial. Stop that humming. Stop playing with the

same

> >doll. Put that block down, you will break your teeth. STOP MOVING, let

me

> >wipe your NOSE. Damn it, can you not do ANYTHING yourself????

> >Then, several times, Madison climbed into the fireplace to play with

soot.

> >OK, well kids do this. It's fun, if you think about it, to become all

> >black. And it's not so long ago that she would have shuddered at the

> >notion

> >of becoming dirty. But she is in the fireplace, so I give her a bath.

10

> >minutes after the bath, I find her in the damn fireplace again. I blow a

> >fuse in my head and make Shaun give her another bath. Then she did it

> >again, and I literally picked her up out of the fireplace, took her to

the

> >bathroom, made her get into an empty bathtub and told Shaun to do it

again,

> >crying and screaming by this point. I go outside, smoke a cigarette, and

> >am

> >bawling over my hand, which is blackened by the nasty fireplace stuff

that

> >obviously rubbed off of Madison onto me.

> >

> >Then that escalates into a full blown emotional meltdown.... consisting

> >of - - I never intended to live like this. Why am I exploding over this

> >at

> >my own daughter? Oh, what she must feel like.... what is wrong with me?

> >How terrible for her to have such a mom, how terrible for me to have such

a

> >daughter... how awful everything is..... and so forth. This wasn't

> >supposed

> >to be what my life is like. I was doing so well, what is happening to

> >me.... why does my life have to be like this, I don't understand.... etc

> >etc.

> >Then I sleep. Sometimes for 10 minutes, sometimes for an hour. Last

night,

> >I slept from 9 PM to 9 AM this morning. Shaun handled the girls himself,

I

> >could have cared less and just slept.

> >And then I seem okay -- until the next thing triggers another

> >inappropriate, exaggerated, and similar reaction from me.

> >

> >I mean, for heaven's sake, they are sick and being so good about it.

What

> >the hell is my problem???? It's embarrasing to even write this out

because

> >all of it is so crazy. I would be seriously worried about my mental

health

> >right now if I didn't realize, during every second of my meltdowns, that

I

> >was acting strangely.... that how I was reacting to this situation was

> >irrational and wicked. Evil. And plain wrong. It's like I am being

> >possessed, and I am fully aware of it while it's happening. And it's

like

> >life will not give my heart a chance to heal. It keeps on throwing

daggers

> >at me, and piles on more things I need to feel guilty about, more things

I

> >need to regret, and more things that need to break my heart all over

again.

> >Shaun thinks that having the girls home for these extra days has worn me

> >out. I WANTED to keep them home. I had a wonderful time keeping them at

> >home. I thought I did anyhow.... but sometime during mid-day yesterday,

it

> >just changed, and I simply cannot understand what happened.

> >Somebody tell me this passes!!!! Somebody tell me you have behaved this

> >way

> >without knowing why, without having a specific reason....

> >I know I sound like a horrible mom. Part of me doesn't even want to send

> >this, but you just have to believe that I am usually not like this. I'm

> >not

> >a terrific mom, but I am nowhere near this horrible either. Not usually,

> >anyhow.

> >

> >Grace

> >Mom to twin girls Sydney and Madison

> >Born 3/28/98

> >Wife to Shaun 1/11/97

> >Reply to: gracekeh@...

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >_________________________________________________________

> >

[Guest guest]

> Have any of you had a rough time, emotionally, without having a

clue as to why?

>

> It's not my girls. They are just great.

> It's me. I can't stand this. Any of it. And it's been going on

for two

> days now..... most of yesterday and all of today. I am frightened

of

> tomorrow.

> Nothing different, just me. And I'm not PMS-ing.

>

> I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like I have a short

circuit in my

> head, and I boil over. >>

Grace,

I think this is just part of trying to cope with such an overwhelming

job...mother to a child with autism---doubled for you with twins. I

used to want twins...then I had one child and realized that one at a

time was PLENTY. Add autism to that and I honestly don't think I

could do it. I admire you for being able to do it at all.

Don't kick yourself for having a very normal reaction to a very

abnormal situation. I think that sympathetic overload is

contagious...our kids are in constant fright/flight/fight mode, and

so, unfortunately, so are we. When you have a child who has to be

watched continuously for his/her own safety, it places YOU in

that " ever vigilant " state. So YOUR system is always on high alert,

too...and just like our kids, we can only go on that way for so long

without having some kind of fallout.

Basically, as I see it, we are in " fright " mode...worried all the

time about our kids and what might happen next. We have two choices,

over time...flight (which we all feel--- " I want OUT!!! " ) or fight. I

think that we do the mental flight thing as long as we can, and once

in a while the fight just takes over...it's just the way our systems

are designed. Think about it...if it were another situation---say

someone was trying to break into your house---first thing is fright

( " Oh my gosh! What'll I do? " ); then comes flight (Grab the kids and

get out the back door)---but if there is no way out, you stand and

fight. That's where you are---there's no way out, and you're in fight

mode. :-(

The good news is...it passes. Give yourself some time...ask someone

to come in and watch the girls for an hour while you take a walk or

go to the library...or just ask your husband to take over for a bit

and lock yourself in your room with a fun project that is for you.

Escape (RUN!!!) for a bit and see if that helps.

I'm going to tell you an absolutely horrible story...true,

unfortunately. One time when was smaller, I was in one of

these " fight " states, and my husband Mark came home with a

poinsetta. I knew he meant well, but in my overworked, overwhelmed

state, the whole thing just hit me wrong. He brought home a

beautiful flower...all my hypervigilant brain saw was " poisonous

plant " . I was FURIOUS...one more thing to keep from eating.

I stuck it on the highest shelf I could find and ignored it until it

died. Awful, huh?

Amazing he still lives here, huh? Some guys just stay in

there...trying.

FWIW, it does get better over time. I'm not sure how or why, but at

some point I realized that getting mad was the least productive thing

I did most days...it just stopped being worth it. Maybe it's because

(and my other kids) got older, maybe it's because I did, who

knows...but it is SO much better now. Hang in there...and hug your

husband...he's trying, even if he doesn't really know how to help.

Most men don't know WHAT to do when their wives are like this...they

are fixers---and this doesn't fix, ya know? But they try...and

that's worth a lot. :-)

Hope today is better.

Raena

[Guest guest]

Grace, to me this sounds like a combo of stress and greif. I'm getting to

this stage too...why does it have to be this way? Lots of tears and rage at

the unfairness of it all.

Wish I had something more to say. You're in my prayers.

-Sara.

wife to Matt

SAHM to nurslings

Mikey, 9/14/99, Autism, and

Gabe, born at home 5/17/01, GERD

http://home.earthlink.net/~thebyks

[Guest guest]

> Grace, I hate to be the one to say it out loud, but I have to --

> that is a sign of depression. When nothing in your life has

> changed, but suddenly you feel like you just can't go on another

> day -- that's depression.

Oh, yeah. She's right.

I took the quiz (http://www.med.nyu.edu/Psych/screens/depres.html)

and it said " Your answers reflect the presence of significant depressive

symptoms. It is advised to seek a psychiatric consultation "

But I am also exhausted. calls this " situational depression. " I was

feeling this way before, remember? But then Mikey started sleeping better

and it went away. I'm hoping for the same thing this time...but if it

doesn't get better soon I may go in anyway. Maybe an antidepressant would

help keep me sane despite the exhaustion? Do they work that way?

Good luck Grace. {{{{hugs}}}}

-Sara.

[Guest guest]

Sara,

My dh was on antidepressants for " environmental depression " , which is the same

as situational. He took them, they got him over the worst, and then he weaned

off and went on with his life. (he was on them about 6 months)

Sometimes that's all a person needs. Just a helping hand over the rough stuff.

(not to be confused with life long chemical instability like I have)

They're not addictive; why not look into it if you get to a point that you feel

it could help!

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

> Grace, I hate to be the one to say it out loud, but I have to <

yeah, i was just whispering it. sorry

" Why is it that everytime I think I know the answers, someone goes and

changes the questions?? " - Fox Mulder

[Guest guest]

> yeah, i was just whispering it. sorry

>

That's because you were going the kinder, gentler TACTFUL route! I, on the

other hand, have never had a good grip on tact, favoring the slightly more

misinterpreted and misunderstood path of brutal, brusque honesty about what I

think.

I think you did great. :-)

Jacquie

[Guest guest]

Pam.

I hope things improve for you. My ordeal has only been going on for now three

days, but it's rotten. I think you summed it up perfectly - - I find little joy

in anything these days. Yep.

Even this morning.... Madison is in good spirits again, and she is, rationally

speaking, a joy to be around. She keeps on bringing me bits of her burrito to

eat, she is making me drink her juice <hence, I am experiencing congestion now,

thanks> and is being really cute.

My head tells me I should be happy to see this.

But my heart won't react. It's like my heart is gone, or at least out of

commission. I can feel Shaun observing my reaction, and that makes me nervous.

He keeps on asking what is wrong, and I am getting ready to throttle him. Geez,

if I knew, do you think I'd still be sitting here feeling this way???????

Hopefully, once the holiday season ends, things will just lighten up. I hope

for both of us. )

Grace

-----

All I can say is this sounds hauntingly familiar...wish I had some advice...I

haven't gone the medication route myself yet, but have been thinking about

it...I find very little joy in anything these days.

Pam

Mom to and Conor

Check out our webpage and sign our guestbook

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[Guest guest]

> Have any of you had a rough time, emotionally, without having a

>clue as to why?<<<

Oh my, YES!!! Double-triple-quadruple- YES!! and may I add, NOT

being able to control it, the feeling I mean.

>

> It's me. I can't stand this. Any of it. And it's been going on

>for two days now..... most of yesterday and all of today. I am

>frightened of tomorrow.<<

Yes Grace - Anxiety. It's like someone with PTSD, the person may not

feel any signs of the trauma until years after.

> I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like I have a short

>circuit in my head, and I boil over. It's small stupid stuff that

>totally makes me explode. <<<

Yep. That was me...except it lasted for years. Literally. One minute

I would be fine, next minute someone would look at me wrong, or say

something benign to me, or something, and I would be sitting on the

floor by myself, sobbing. Or arguing endlessly, or biting someone's

head off.

Grace, I thought about this briefly after reading your vent and came

up with this...

Our children are Autistic. WE ARE NOT! But, we are forced to live

like them, feel for them, think like them, etc. We are forced into

trying to live autistically. Well, guess what??? Our brains are not

wired like that. Consider the amount of stress that causes!!!! It's

like an autistic person trying to communicate something so that WE

will understand, then not be able to, and melting down because it is

so frustrating.

It took me a very long time to decide I needed help balancing out. I

know I've said this before and that you do not want to go the

medication route. I understand where you are coming from. I have

been there, BELIEVE ME. and I know how ugly it is. and yes I know you

KNOW that you are feeling this way, and that you are very conscious

of doing these things. But, you can not control it. It does

overpower you.

I hope I came across the way I intended.

Basically, I do understand. I have been through this. Totally and

completely.

Penny

[Guest guest]

----- Grace, I hate to be the one to say it out loud, but I have to -- that is

a sign of depression. When nothing in your life has changed, but suddenly you

feel like you just can't go on another day -- that's depression.

I figured you would name it.

I didn't know that definition could mean depression though. I always figured

" something " has to happen, and then I would go on a downward spiral. But I

guess it makes sense. Something did happen... just not right now. Years ago,

and my mind is now giving up on me?

> Later, both kids won't eat. It makes sense, their noses are stuffed. I

> wouldn't be hungry either, but they can't tell me they aren't hungry, and

> being mom, I'm obligated to feed them food. So I cooked. Am I

> understanding about their refusal to eat? NO. Not one damn bit.

Because even this one thing you CAN do for them is not being accepted?

Yes yes!!! I mean, I am trying to do my end of things, and yet, here they are

again, refusing it. At other times, I think it's logical that this should upset

me. But if I am AWARE that they are sick, then shouldn't I be able to just feel

bad for them and their stuffed noses, and live with it? I mean, who's the adult

here? Who's the mom????

> Then I sleep. Sometimes for 10 minutes, sometimes for an hour. Last night,

> I slept from 9 PM to 9 AM this morning. Shaun handled the girls himself, I

> could have cared less and just slept.

THAT's depression.

Sleeping like there is no tomorrow. I slept at 3 AM last night after watching

a movie. I didn't wake up until noon. ( Now this is not like me. Does it

make sense to say that I just don't CARE?? Have they eaten, have they been

changed, etc etc? Shaun told me, as soon as I woke up, that he had done so.

Then it occurs to me that today, I didn't ask. Because I don't care if he did

or not.

That doesn't mean you're NOT depressed - it just means that you're aware of

it.

Funny, I always think that if I get depressed, I won't be aware of it. I

guess because I think my mom was depressed, severely, at one point, and she was

totally oblivious to it. It was everyone else's fault - - nothing wrong with

her. How could I be perfectly fine 4 days ago, and suddenly be so NOT fine

today???? This can happen with NO TRIGGER? Jacquie, my girls are doing REALLY

well. I was REALLY happy just 4 days ago. Everything felt right again with

the world, and suddenly, it's like I woke up and POOF - - my old thoughts are

back.... for no reason.

If this makes you a horrible mom, I bet 90% of the moms on this list would

then fit that description.

this is a short quiz I found online to tell you if I'm full of crap: (I hope

so)

http://www.med.nyu.edu/Psych/screens/depres.html

Brought to you by the

NYU Department of Psychiatry

Your answers show the presence of prominent depressive symptoms. It is advised

to seek a psychiatric consultation,

Click here for Referral Information

I guess I now call my hospital to find out which doctor to see. I know a lot

of you are on meds, and I don't want to sound like I am knocking it. But it's

like IMPLANTED in my mind that if I take any real " helper " meds, I'm cheating.

It's like...... I can study my butt off for an exam, and then before going in to

take the exam, I read the cliffs notes on the book. I studied just like

everyone else, but suddenly, I feel like I cheated... when I really hadn't. But

- - cheating in this game is better than cheating my girls out of a balanced

mother, I guess. I will call this week and ask what the doctor thinks. I hate

to have to explain my life to this man or woman though.

As for the symptoms you listed, I qualify for all of them except change in

apetite. I don't eat more or less than before, just the same. Except now,

nothing tastes good and suddenly, I'm back to feeling guilt over eating. If I

were not so turned off by the notion of purging, I probably would LOL. But no

worries there, same weight, same everything.

Thanks Jacquie. I will let you guys know what happens this week. I probably

will call on Tuesday, but who knows when my appt will be. Short of threatening

suicide, which is not true, I don't think it will be any time soon, knowing

Kaiser.

Grace

[Guest guest]

> Grace: That is exactly how I feel a lot of the time. So uncontrollably

> angry. Even when I can hide it and move on...it's like this anger growing

> inside until I just feel like I can't take it anymore.

Like volcanic lava, huh?

>And over little,

> stupid stuff.

That is what upsets me. If I get extremely mad over something that makes

sense, I am all for that. Speak your mind. Get mad. Let it out.

But no, I get bloodthirsty mad at dumb things. Things I should know better

than to be so mad about. I have no laid a hand on them, but I *want* to.

And that is what scares me. None of what they have done lately have called

for that kind of mad. They may have deserved a scolding, maybe a little bit

of yelling, since going into the fireplace again and again could piss

someone off, but not the kind of mad I was where I don't even want to look

at my own child.

> Someone not picking up their dirty clothes, having to clean

> up poop again, putting all the toys away and turning around to have them

all

> out again, having to do dishes for the third time that day (yet, I can

feel

> the same anger if someone else puts dishes away wrong!), a pop can left

out

> on the coffee table. All minor in the frame of my life but I usually feel

> such anger bubbling up at them that it is scary.

Yes, yes, yes!!!!

I used to laugh at myself because I could turn around something they did,

and make it a good thing. " Oh, at least she is curious now... " or " Oh, now

she is pretend playing by taking off all the cushions from the couch... for

the ten millionth time today. " And so forth. Now, I only see cushions on

the floor and I'm seething. I grind my teeth to keep from exploding. All I

want is a clean house. But seriously - -who gives a crap if my house is

clean or not? If they are having fun, that is all that should matter. But

no. Not to me. I want it clean, I try, and they demolish. Again. And

again. And they make ALL my efforts fruitless, a waste of time, and a waste

of purpose.

But lots of kids do this. Every house with kids in it shows some degree of

a mess. Get over it, I tell myself..... but yet... it still bubbles inside

of me like lava.

I don't know what to tell

> you except I think Jacquie was right when she said depression. I have

been

> told this too. It get so that I don't want to do anything. I can't make

a

> decision to save my life. It's like I am so overwhelmed by what I need to

> do that I can't do anything because I don't know where to start.

Yes. And I've lost confidence in my own mind. My own self. Like the quiz

just asked, and I laughed when I read it - - I start thinking I shouldn't

bother with this or that, because I'll f & & & it up again. Or they will. Or

something will happen and it will go wrong.

I used to be a person who could look at a pigstye and just BEGIN. I always

knew where to start. But like you, I don't know where to start now. I

eventually do start, but it takes me a lot longer now. I don't function

like I used to. And to top it all of, I hurt everywhere. My whole body

HURTS.

I was

> taking wellbutrin, but that didn't help. The zoloft seems to be better.

> Maybe you should talk to your doctor?

Side effects, if any? Do tell.

Thanks Tamara.

Grace

_________________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Grace,

It sounds like you've reached the end of your ability to deal with the crap

that is autism without some sort of chemical assistance. You're probably

depressed. You'll either sleep all day if you could (denying your life) or

can't sleep at all (this was me), over react to small irritations (me

again), break into tears easily (yep). We deal with a lot of things on a

daily basis that most people can't even fathom. Sooner or later, we find

we're not superhuman and that we do indeed have our limits. When I finally

went to my Dr. about how I was handling things, he said he was surprised I

made it this long!

Now, I could be wrong since I'm not an M.D., but depression is what it

sounds like to me.

See your Dr. and talk, get his/her opinion, and don't feel like a failure if

meds are recommended. After all, you want to be able to enjoy the wonderful

improvements your girlies have been making!

Take care and big hugs,

Sue

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[Guest guest]

I am taking Paxil...It has worked for me. Hopefully you will find something that

will work for you.

Sara,

My dh was on antidepressants for " environmental depression " , which is the same

as situational. He took them, they got him over the worst, and then he weaned

off and went on with his life. (he was on them about 6 months)

Sometimes that's all a person needs. Just a helping hand over the rough

stuff. (not to be confused with life long chemical instability like I have)

They're not addictive; why not look into it if you get to a point that you

feel it could help!

Jacquie

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[Guest guest]

The side effects of the zoloft were sleepiness at first, but it wears off

after you take it awhile. It lasted about a week or so that I was sleepy.

For me though, it was good cause it helped me sleep a little. There are a

lot of different meds out there though. I have heard that water retention

is also a side effect, but I haven't seen this. Talk to your doctor. I bet

he/she can come up with something appropriate for you.

Thinking about you lots....

Tamara

>

>Reply-To: parenting_autism

>To: <parenting_autism >

>Subject: Re: Rought Time - Going Nuts - VENT LONG

>Date: Sun, 16 Dec 2001 12:46:11 -0800

>

>

>

> > Grace: That is exactly how I feel a lot of the time. So uncontrollably

> > angry. Even when I can hide it and move on...it's like this anger

>growing

> > inside until I just feel like I can't take it anymore.

>

>Like volcanic lava, huh?

>

> >And over little,

> > stupid stuff.

>

>That is what upsets me. If I get extremely mad over something that makes

>sense, I am all for that. Speak your mind. Get mad. Let it out.

>But no, I get bloodthirsty mad at dumb things. Things I should know better

>than to be so mad about. I have no laid a hand on them, but I *want* to.

>And that is what scares me. None of what they have done lately have called

>for that kind of mad. They may have deserved a scolding, maybe a little

>bit

>of yelling, since going into the fireplace again and again could piss

>someone off, but not the kind of mad I was where I don't even want to look

>at my own child.

>

> > Someone not picking up their dirty clothes, having to clean

> > up poop again, putting all the toys away and turning around to have them

>all

> > out again, having to do dishes for the third time that day (yet, I can

>feel

> > the same anger if someone else puts dishes away wrong!), a pop can left

>out

> > on the coffee table. All minor in the frame of my life but I usually

>feel

> > such anger bubbling up at them that it is scary.

>

>Yes, yes, yes!!!!

>I used to laugh at myself because I could turn around something they did,

>and make it a good thing. " Oh, at least she is curious now... " or " Oh, now

>she is pretend playing by taking off all the cushions from the couch... for

>the ten millionth time today. " And so forth. Now, I only see cushions on

>the floor and I'm seething. I grind my teeth to keep from exploding. All

>I

>want is a clean house. But seriously - -who gives a crap if my house is

>clean or not? If they are having fun, that is all that should matter. But

>no. Not to me. I want it clean, I try, and they demolish. Again. And

>again. And they make ALL my efforts fruitless, a waste of time, and a

>waste

>of purpose.

>But lots of kids do this. Every house with kids in it shows some degree of

>a mess. Get over it, I tell myself..... but yet... it still bubbles inside

>of me like lava.

>

> I don't know what to tell

> > you except I think Jacquie was right when she said depression. I have

>been

> > told this too. It get so that I don't want to do anything. I can't

>make

>a

> > decision to save my life. It's like I am so overwhelmed by what I need

>to

> > do that I can't do anything because I don't know where to start.

>

>Yes. And I've lost confidence in my own mind. My own self. Like the quiz

>just asked, and I laughed when I read it - - I start thinking I shouldn't

>bother with this or that, because I'll f & & & it up again. Or they will. Or

>something will happen and it will go wrong.

>I used to be a person who could look at a pigstye and just BEGIN. I always

>knew where to start. But like you, I don't know where to start now. I

>eventually do start, but it takes me a lot longer now. I don't function

>like I used to. And to top it all of, I hurt everywhere. My whole body

>HURTS.

>

> I was

> > taking wellbutrin, but that didn't help. The zoloft seems to be better.

> > Maybe you should talk to your doctor?

>

>Side effects, if any? Do tell.

>

>Thanks Tamara.

>

>Grace

>

>

>

>

>_________________________________________________________

>

[Guest guest]

>>>But it's like IMPLANTED in my mind that if I take any

real " helper " meds, I'm cheating.<<<<

It was the same for me, Grace...only it lasted for 15 years!

I was actually at a point so bad that all I would do was cry at work

all day, have endless panic attacks, I actually stayed on my couch,

literally for an entire weekend once. I mean, 48 straight hours,

only getting up to pee.

I also went to therapy.

But I never accepted the medication option. Ever. Until now. And

let me tell you, I was a very unhappy person for 15 years.

Penny

[Guest guest]

How about ALL of us unmedicated people go in and get meds on the same day?

Boy, if it works, we would have one cheery list on that day, huh? LOL

Grace

RE: Rought Time - Going Nuts - VENT LONG

> > Grace, I hate to be the one to say it out loud, but I have to --

> > that is a sign of depression. When nothing in your life has

> > changed, but suddenly you feel like you just can't go on another

> > day -- that's depression.

>

> Oh, yeah. She's right.

>

> I took the quiz (http://www.med.nyu.edu/Psych/screens/depres.html)

>

> and it said " Your answers reflect the presence of significant depressive

> symptoms. It is advised to seek a psychiatric consultation "

>

> But I am also exhausted. calls this " situational depression. " I

was

> feeling this way before, remember? But then Mikey started sleeping better

> and it went away. I'm hoping for the same thing this time...but if it

> doesn't get better soon I may go in anyway. Maybe an antidepressant would

> help keep me sane despite the exhaustion? Do they work that way?

>

> Good luck Grace. {{{{hugs}}}}

>

> -Sara.

>

>

_________________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

> The stress will get you, Grace. This happens to all of us. It does not

make you a bad parent. It makes you human. I needed medication to help me

deal with it. Not every one does. Good luck.

>

I know... I know.

Thanks, Janae. I need confirmation that this doesn't mean I've lost.

I wonder.... on what do they base which medication you get?

I'm hearing Zoloft, Prozac, etc...... which one goes to whom? Which do I

really, really want? HEHEHEHE

Grace

_________________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

> yeah, i was just whispering it. sorry

> That's because you were going the kinder, gentler TACTFUL route! I, on

the other hand, have never had a good grip on tact, favoring the slightly

more misinterpreted and misunderstood path of brutal, brusque honesty about

what I think.

I think you did great. :-)

Jacquie <<

Jacquie - -

Me too.

I just hope everyone ELSE on this list, including you, understands that.

It's not so much that I lack tact. I know it's not tactful when I am saying

it. It's just that I prefer to have people deal with ME in a brutally

honest way, and in turn, I give it back, totally oblivious to whether or not

they like it that way also. I don't like wasting time with niceties,

especially when I feel an urgency... you know? You know. I know you know.

LOL

Well, I guess not caring whether they want it or not IS a lack of tact. Oh

chit.

Grace

_________________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Been there, Grace. In my pre-Zoloft days. It got to the point where I just

couldn't cope with anything. I was irritable, grouchy, depressed, stressed, you

name it. And none of it made any sense.

The stress will get you, Grace. This happens to all of us. It does not make

you a bad parent. It makes you human. I needed medication to help me deal with

it. Not every one does. Good luck.

Janae

, 9, ADD

Jake, 6, autism

[Guest guest]

>

> I wonder.... on what do they base which medication you get?

> I'm hearing Zoloft, Prozac, etc...... which one goes to whom?

>Which do I really, really want? HEHEHEHE

>

> Grace

>

I decided on my own, Grace. I kwew the route I needed to go to get

what I needed. (Of course, this was after YEARS of thought). I told

my OB what I was going thru. ..and because I am NOT a medication

person, he prescribed a very low-dose Prozac for PMS, and I just take

it all the time.

He was very upfront about the pros and cons, and so far there have

been no cons. so.....

Penny

[Guest guest]

> Sleeping like there is no tomorrow. I slept at 3 AM last night after

watching a movie. I didn't wake up until noon. ( Now this is not like me.

Does it make sense to say that I just don't CARE?? Have they eaten, have they

been changed, etc etc? Shaun told me, as soon as I woke up, that he had done

so. Then it occurs to me that today, I didn't ask. Because I don't care if he

did or not.

>

I forgot to reply to this before: apathy=depression.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, honey!

Jacquie