Re: Who am I if not her?

[Guest guest]

One of the happy by products of this group is that it is helping me cope with my

brother. Even my sister in law has made remarks on how arrogent he is.. He is my

younger brother, the only one I have. And I have raised the issue of his

coldness to me on more than one occassion and it is always my problem not his.

That he causes me pain is not real to him or is inconsequential. There is a will

and since my father has already passed, I own 25% of all property and moneies

held by my father when he died. My brother got 25% and mom got 50%. But my dad

gave her lifetime use of the property and accounts so neither my brother nor I

can touch the property until she dies. However, she has " given " my brother 12

acres of one of the properties for his homestead, once again without asking me

how I would feel about it even though I had a claim to it. She did it and then

told me to deal with it afterwards.. I already know that when she dies I will be

employing the services

of a lawyer to make sure that my brother doesn't pull any crap on my son and I.

I am about as sick of his BS as can be.

I have a question, do you live with your parents or are they always over at your

place? I am not sure what your dad is even doing interacting with your animals.

I wouldn't trust him with any of them.

Be strong

Re: Who am I if not her?

That is unbelievable, he really sounds like a psycho. I know that my

father is like your brother, he resented the bejesus out of his

sister when she was born (two years younger than him, is your

brother older?) and he became a misogynist because of whatever went

wrong with that dynamic. Because of what I've seen in him I always

suspect misogynists of being resentful of their sisters when they

were young.

What he did is repulsive to me. When my father 'forgot' about my

passionflowers, my mother said the same thing " they will grow back " .

That was after defending him saying " oh, he felt SO BAD about that " .

It's interesting because yesterday he once again allowed two of the

dogs here to escape from the fence and they were gone about six

hours. Thank god they came back later at night, it was about the

tenth time they've done that and I've been insisting for him to just

allow me to let them in and out of their smaller enclosure and not

try to do it because he forgets to make sure the larger gate is

completely locked. Yesterday was like my kitten at eight years old

all over again.

I am so sad for you about the farm, it would break my heart to know

that it will go to him as destructive as he is. Your mother is

acting like a waste of space where he is concerned. I don't know why

it is that these mothers cannot see they are creating these little

monsters, I guess it's the only male they have every had the

complete devotion of their entire lives. Thankfully both my brothers

are relatively caring and polite, which mostly has to do with

watching my dad rage and not wanting to be like him, but still,

they are both arrogant and have those fleas of being raised by an

overly indulgent mom. If your mom dies intestate then the farm will

go to both of you equally despite what she may say verbally,

probably very little chance of that happening though (I mean if she

passes after your dad). I can really, really relate about the trees.

I've known so many men that have some bitterness and destructive

behaviors and take it out on nature, whether it is growing things or

animals. It's one of the things that really troubles me.

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[Guest guest]

That is just plain wrong to do to a child. Your nada, has real problems honey.

If you are not NC with her you need to go to low contact until you get yourself

well because of this BS. I cannot tell you how sorry I am to hear that this

coward put you through this.

Re: Who am I if not her?

>

> I have been thinking about how it was that I got stifled and I now

> realize after living here that my dad has to be in complete control

> at all times. If he is not, he gets upset and abusive and bullying.

> So none of us kids were allowed to develop in a normal way,

although

> my brothers benefitted better, just from being male

in 'traditional'

> household; they are both talented artists and proficient musicians.

> My dad has a huge yard and every year I've asked him to choose a

> spot for me for a small garden of my own. But he never does. Last

> year as a favor to them I planted some passion flowers along their

> fence line. We had a severe drought last summer and I babied those

> plants all summer, carrying water to them twice a day. I came out

> one day and he had used a weed-eater to cut all the grass along the

> fence-line down to the bare dirt (he can't just trim, like normal

> people do). I was so upset I sat down right there in the yard and

> cried my eyes out, it had taken a herculean effort to keep those

> plants alive and I'd have done it had it not been for his killing

> them. He says he 'thought I dug them all up' at an earlier time. I

> dug up the ones that I knew were going to fail, about 3 or 4. One

> plant survived the slaughter and started growing again. Though I'd

> marked it with a rock he ran over it with the lawn mower and killed

> it for good a couple of weeks later. This has been the story of my

> life where he is involved, starting with my little kitten that he

> didn't care for and let get killed when I was 8 years old.. I think

a

> part of me feels, why even try...

>

> For me it's not so much about being anything 'in reaction' to them,

> although I am the polar opposite of them in many ways,, I'm old

> enough to know that this is really 'me' and not remnants of a

> teenage rebellion, it's that he absolutely cannot allow anyone any

> independence whatever, he *has* to be in control of the situation,

> usually to the detriment of everyone involved. With the original

> passionflower plant, that I dug up from a ditch and put in the

> yard, which is now a collussus vine that has 40 or 50 blooms every

> day during the summer months, we got in a horrible argument over

> that....just a bit of self-assertion from me and suddenly he is

> standing there yelling at me to f-myself. He is such an arsehole

> sometimes I can't even believe it, and I'm there when it happens.

> All of us really got stifled as kids and the three oldest are just

> now starting to come into our own. I am so used to it that I don't

> even know how to spread my wings and experiment a little bit,

> because my dad was will bully us in the drop of a hat, he is

> physically imposing in order to impose his will, which is really,

> really intolerable to me.

>

>

>

>

>

>

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>

[Guest guest]

I suspect that we may be genetically predisposed toward the BPD tendancy. The

thing that keeps us from sliding into that hole is that we recognize that our

actions have consequences and we loath hurting other people.

Re: Re: Who am I if not her?

When I would fight with my bpd mom (or probably more accurately, she would

fight with me), my dad would say " You know, you are just like her. "

I ignored him, but there is still that worry that i might be just like her.

Now I know that it was projection. but what a horrible thing to say to your

child.

On 3/24/08, mercysaidno415 <mercysaidno415@ yahoo.com> wrote:

>

> Hey Suebee,

> I've spent years and years being the anti-nada and living in spite of

> her. Yes, she has defined who I am by who I'm NOT. I'll fully admit

> to that in a heartbeat. I'd even go so far as to say that I am

> extremely proud of that. (Someone shoot me if I EVER become like her.)

> What's wrong with who I am because I'm not her? Slowly over time, I

> have found me and not just the anti-her. It's been a long process and

> I'm still not done. I've discovered me along the way through being a

> sister, a mom, a wife, an aunt, a singer, a student, a teacher, a

> friend, a counselor, a volunteer,.. .all of these characteristics emerge

> as I continually snuff out the nada-isms about me and discontinue

> playing her hate-track in my head.

>

> I read anything I can get my hands on and try to incorporate new ideas

> into my thinking. I try new things, even if I am scared, shy or

> intimidated, ...I try just to see if I'll hit on something I want to

> experience again or something I just might be good at. It could be new

> hobbies, new places, new foods, new authors, anything! One thing I am

> determined to never do is be old and closed-minded. The more I look,

> the more I find things that exclusively define me and have nothing to

> do with my nada. I just keep moving further and further outside of her

> circle that she tried to contain me in. The further I go, the less of

> her influence there is on me and my life.

>

> Kindest regards,

> Mercy

>

>

> >

> > Hi everyone,

> > Here's my first post. My question is ....does anyone feel like they

> > are so busy being the exact opposite of their bpd parent or...not

> > being defined by the parents definition, that they don't really know

> > who they are? I have lately been struggling with questioning

> > everything about me. I am 45 years old and I look in the mirror and

> > move through my day analyzing my every move, being hypervigilant about

> > any signs of BPD and self correcting. There is a lot of internal self

> > berrating going on but not a whole lot of Yes this is who I am. It's

> > more like Yes this is who I am not! How do I get to the real me.

> > Nothing feels very true to me.

> > I am tired of everything consuming so much energy and want to discover

> > my natural talents and abilities. Not just the talents and abilities

> > I have inspite of. Anyone figured out some of this?

> > Suebee

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That's interesting. I wasn't allowed to try to get good at drawing when I

was younger because that was my brother's thing. He would bully me if I

tried. Of course he was better at it, he was 2 years older! I recently got a

book on drawing called Drawing from the Right Side of the Brain and it has

been amazing!

>

> one thing I can relate with is I've been becoming more and more

> interested in drawing lately. I am thinking about taking a class. It

> was something I never even considered, because my father is an artist.

> Both of my brothers are very talented as well. My paternal

> grandfather, and one of my father's brothers were artists too. It runs

> in my family and I've been thinking I'd like to see if I have any

> talent. I just never even though of it because he does it, I never got

> anywhere near art classes...it's like I shut visual art completely out

> of my consciousness. It's so funny because I've been drawing lately

> when I have time, and at first it took me aback how self-indulgent it

> feels. I have to intensley focus on 'nothing' (to my mind). All

> thoughts are blotted out. The only other time I've felt like this was

> doing downhills while mountain biking where you are intensely focused

> on the path directly in front of you. I never knew art closed out the

> rest of the world and let your mind rest, I've never found anything

> like this, so I am trying to assure myself if I do this it won't 'turn

> me into' him.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have a cabin on their property that I sleep in but the computer is

in their house; I am in and out. The dogs are dogs that I brought

home, having picked them up as strays at different times. My father

has a weak spot for animals, believe it or not. The problem, which

he finally admitted to yesterday, is he is becoming unable to

remember things anymore. The male dog is a german shepherd mix and

intelligent in all the wrong ways, which means he can unlock simple

latches. My dad fixed the gate so there is a bolt that you can pull

back to keep him from lifting the latch to the gate on the larger

yard, but he forgets. Yesterday we agreed I am going to take charge

of those two dogs, their getting out of their smaller enclosure

(which is actually quite large, and the fence is now 8 feet high, my

dad has twice raised the height of it because they kept jumping out.

We have both been caught on our inexperienced side because neither

one of us have had escape artist dogs before, ever, and these two

are masterminds--probably how they ended up strays in the first

place). So I guess we jointly own these dogs; I brought them home

but they are on his property and the one that has been

fixed/vaccinated, he paid for, and will probably end up paying for

the other one to be fixed too, plus he named both of them and said

he wanted to keep them when my original intent was to get them into

breed rescues and find them adoptive homes.

[Guest guest]

yes, it is, very, very wrong, especially for a child without a sense

of some kind of spirituality and personal myth about where the soul of

the animal might go to after it leaves it's body. It doesn't make it

right, but it would have helped to tell the child that the bird is

going to heaven. The child should not have witnessed that, or had to

bury it. Sometimes I think these bpd's really only have a sense of

themselves as children, not adults/parents/caregivers.

[Guest guest]

It's entirely possible, his mother had it though twenty years older

than he is now. I mentioned it to my mother, who of course completely

minimized and denied what I'd said (including some other things I said

too, she drives me nuts).

Yep, the first shepherds I ever dealt with were in a boarding kennel,

I had a 200# one that I had to bathe regularly who was a obedience-

trained champion who used to refuse the 'stand' command in the tub,

and it would take two of us to lift him up and make him stand. It IS

characteristic of the breed, and I hate to say this but this is why

I've always said I couldn't stand shepherds and would never own one.

This one was a little pup when I found him...I have always said that

shepherd have their 'own agenda' they are like the cat of dog

breeds.

[Guest guest]

TFT. The little darlings. They are a handful. Kinda like us. Too smart

by far.

Re: Who am I if not her?

It's entirely possible, his mother had it though twenty years older

than he is now. I mentioned it to my mother, who of course completely

minimized and denied what I'd said (including some other things I said

too, she drives me nuts).

Yep, the first shepherds I ever dealt with were in a boarding kennel,

I had a 200# one that I had to bathe regularly who was a obedience-

trained champion who used to refuse the 'stand' command in the tub,

and it would take two of us to lift him up and make him stand. It IS

characteristic of the breed, and I hate to say this but this is why

I've always said I couldn't stand shepherds and would never own one.

This one was a little pup when I found him...I have always said that

shepherd have their 'own agenda' they are like the cat of dog

breeds.

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[Guest guest]

>

> That's interesting. I wasn't allowed to try to get good at drawing

when I

> was younger because that was my brother's thing. He would bully me

if I

> tried. Of course he was better at it, he was 2 years older! I

recently got a

> book on drawing called Drawing from the Right Side of the Brain and

it has

> been amazing!

>

It's interesting you said, " I wasn't allowed to try to get good at

drawing... " When I was in middle school, I took elective art classes

and did very well. However, my parents put the kabash on that when I

was registering for Freshman classes in high school saying, " You

don't want to miss out on a scholarship because you don't get a good

grade in Art. " The assumption, of course, was that I wouldn't be

good enough at it to get a good grade!

I also took piano lessons for years and competed in competitions

(plus just some solo type stuff that wasn't being judged against

someone else...they were called the National Guild Auditions). When

I was just starting, I won 1st place at the state competition for the

two years I participated. However, the 2nd year, although I won, I

did not play " perfectly " (in part because the piano had a key that

stuck) and my dad (the non-BPD) got angry at me and started yelling

at me. Then Nada decided, " WE aren't going to do this anymore

because it's too stressful. " WE? It didn't matter that much

though...I was not all that keen on the competition part of it. I

just liked to play when I wasn't being judged on my performance.

[Guest guest]

Wow - another lightbulb. My mother tried to keep me from trying a lot of

things because it was too stressful for her. I had to take math every summer

and she told me I was basically retarded. Now that I'm an adult I know that

I am quite good at math and science and esp art and music.

I remember her saying that, " we aren't going to do this " thing, vaguely. One

of the biggest fights I ever had with her was my first quarter of college. I

got an A on an advanced chemistry test. I called to tell her and she said,

" well, you know THAT will never happen again. " When I confronted her she

told me she was negative because she didn't want me to " get my hopes up that

I could succeed at chemistry or hard sciences. " Ya right.

>

>

> >

> > That's interesting. I wasn't allowed to try to get good at drawing

> when I

> > was younger because that was my brother's thing. He would bully me

> if I

> > tried. Of course he was better at it, he was 2 years older! I

> recently got a

> > book on drawing called Drawing from the Right Side of the Brain and

> it has

> > been amazing!

> >

>

> It's interesting you said, " I wasn't allowed to try to get good at

> drawing... " When I was in middle school, I took elective art classes

> and did very well. However, my parents put the kabash on that when I

> was registering for Freshman classes in high school saying, " You

> don't want to miss out on a scholarship because you don't get a good

> grade in Art. " The assumption, of course, was that I wouldn't be

> good enough at it to get a good grade!

>

> I also took piano lessons for years and competed in competitions

> (plus just some solo type stuff that wasn't being judged against

> someone else...they were called the National Guild Auditions). When

> I was just starting, I won 1st place at the state competition for the

> two years I participated. However, the 2nd year, although I won, I

> did not play " perfectly " (in part because the piano had a key that

> stuck) and my dad (the non-BPD) got angry at me and started yelling

> at me. Then Nada decided, " WE aren't going to do this anymore

> because it's too stressful. " WE? It didn't matter that much

> though...I was not all that keen on the competition part of it. I

> just liked to play when I wasn't being judged on my performance.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Wow - another lightbulb. My mother tried to keep me from trying a

lot of

> things because it was too stressful for her. I had to take math

every summer

> and she told me I was basically retarded. Now that I'm an adult I

know that

> I am quite good at math and science and esp art and music.

>

> I remember her saying that, " we aren't going to do this " thing,

vaguely. One

> of the biggest fights I ever had with her was my first quarter of

college. I

> got an A on an advanced chemistry test. I called to tell her and

she said,

> " well, you know THAT will never happen again. " When I confronted

her she

> told me she was negative because she didn't want me to " get my

hopes up that

> I could succeed at chemistry or hard sciences. " Ya right.

>

>

I went to college at what was formerly General Motors Institute

(today it is known as Kettering University). I never had to drop a

class and I never failed a class (I majored in Mechanical

Engineering). Yet every work section when my grades would come in

(our semesters alternated between working and school), Nada would

call me at work and ask to open them...if I was really curious, I

would say yes, but otherwise, I preferred to be the first to open

them. One time when I let her open them, she told me her hands were

shaking and she couldn't read the grades. How ridiculous! This was

definitely a woman who was sure something bad was just around the

corner. Of course I wasn't supposed to be able to get into GMI in

the first place.

Whatever! As if I should have ever been surprised at the lack of

support or acknowledgement that I am successful. I remember one time

sharing with Nada that I had just gotten a sizable bonus at work.

Her response, " They must really like you. " Not " you must be good at

what you do " or have achieved something significant...but they " like "

you. What a bizarre response!